FF on Mahabharat: Those Days In Exile from Yudhishthira's POV

~*~THOSE DAYS IN EXILE~*~

"While going out from Dyut Sabha, I was guilt ridden, ashamed, beyond hurt from inside. I was not angry with anyone but myself. I knew, whatever happened today was only my fault. It was me, who staked my kingdom, my people, my brothers and my wife. I failed miserably from being a good son, a good brother, a good husband and a good king. Do I still deserve the title of Dharmaraj?"

I feel that the period of exile was most difficult for eldest Pandava, because he was guilt ridden, and ashamed for his deeds. His family has not yet forgiven him. His heart was bleeding with self hatred, yet he cannot confide to anyone, not even his wife and his brothers. He bottled up all his emotions within himself and continued bearing the pain inflicted by his brothers' and his wife's rude remarks from time to time. For him this exile was an atonement for his sins he committed towards every one, he loved and hurt the most.

The fanfiction is all about the incidents which have been suffered by the Pandavas during their 13 years of exile. Here I have weaved the ideas from original text, serials and my imagination in the form of this fanfiction. The protagonist of my story is Dharmaraj Yudhishthira and the incidents have been described from his point of view. 

Here is the first chapter of my story. Do share your feedback about the story.

Index

1. The Beginning
2. Bidding Farewell

~*~The Beginning~*~

What have I done!! Am I same Dharmaraj Yudhishthira, who was borne with blessings of Lord of Justice and Death? 

How could I gamble on my Kingdom and my people, who were like children to me? 

How could I gamble on my little brothers? I have promised to look after my brothers and become their guardian to my dead father's soul. Today, just because of me they were insulted and ridiculed by those cruel Kauravas. 

How could I gamble on our dear wife, with whom I took 7 vows of marriage? Just because of my foolish decisions, she has to suffer such inhuman humiliation at the house of her own in laws. 

My people, my brothers' and our wife were among those people whom I have promised to protect from all pain and sufferings. And today, I have inflicted on them most painful wounds and scars. 

In the process, I have also caused much pain to my old ailing Mother, Uncle Vidur, Pitamaha, Guru Dronacharya, Kulguru Kripacharya, Jyeshth Mata Gandhari, Jyesthpita Dhritrashtra and my entire family. Will these scars ever get healed.

All these thoughts were buzzing in my mind. I felt numb. I was oblivious to my surroundings. A furious storm was raging within me which made me completely blind, deaf and dumb. I was not furious with my fellow cousins Duryodhan, Dusshashan, Angraj Karn or Mamashree Shakuni, but I was furious with myself. I was furious of my hands which have played Chausar, staking my own little brothers and our dear wife. I was furious with my eyes, which have shamelessly witnessed the humiliation and the attempt of disrobing our wife infront of whole Rajsabha. I was furious with my mind and conscious, which considered it dharma and permitted me to bet on my dear ones.

This was not the first time when Kauravas have cheated us. Feeding poison to my little brother Bheem during our childhood, conspiring to burn us alive along with our mother in the house of lac, etc. were enough incidents to make me cautious about my cousins' evil mind. Even uncle Vidur forbade us to accept the invitation for the dice game. Had I followed his instruction, I would have avoided such mishap.

All my four little brothers have always been very protective towards me, especially Bheem. The words of his oath still rang fresh in my mind.

"Bhratashree, aap apni puri sampatti daao par lagaakar haar gaye, mujhe iss baat ka koi krodh nahi. Parantu jo daao aapne Draupadi par lagaaya, woh galat hai. Kewal aap hi ke kaaran, ye duraachaari Kaurav, humari priya patni kaa iss prakar apmaan aur tiraskaar kar rahe. Mahadev ki saugandh, aaj main aapke inhi paase fenkene waale hatho ko pedo ki sukhi tehniyo ki tarah jalaakar bhasma kardungaa."

(Brother, I am not angry with the money you have lost in gambling. But the bet you put on Draupadi is very wrong. Because of you, these evil Kauravas are hurting her and humiliating her. I oath in the name of Lord Mahadev, that I will burn both of your hands to ash, through which you have thrown dice in the game, just like dried branches of a tree.")

I still could not believe that my little brother, who would go to any heights to keep me safe would take such an oath against me. Does that mean, that my little Bheem does not love me anymore? Does any of my brothers and our dear wife Panchali have any love for me?

My chain of thoughts broke with the sobbing sound on Subhadra. Me, along with my brothers and Subhadra were sitting broken and miserable, on the stairs of Indraprastha Rajsabha, waiting for Draupadi to come out of her room. Madhav went to bring her out as neither of us brothers' had the guts to face Draupadi. The moment Draupadi came into the Rajsabha, Subhadra rushed towards her hugged her and tried to pacify her.

I rose from my seat and went infront of the blazing fire pit. Gathering all my courage, I addressed my better-half, "Panchali, with these hands of mine I have played that wicked game of dice which enslaved my dear brothers and also became the reason of your insult and humiliation." Saying this I raised my hands and looked at Bheem. "Bheem, fulfil your oath. Burn my hands."

Bheem looked at me shockingly. His face was tear stricken. His expression showed that whatever he said was in sheer of anger, he didn't mean to do it. Before Bheem could say anything, Panchali said, without raising her eyes in a voice deprived of any emotion, "Arya, there is no need to burn your hands. I forgive you."

But I knew, she was just telling this to get Bheem out of this situation and did not want to see me in pain. So I said, "No Panchali, even I need to forgive myself otherwise life will become hell for me. Come on, fulfil your vow." Bheem looked at me with teary eyes. His looks conveyed his reluctance. I assured him to fulfil his pledge and do his dharma.

Reluctantly, Bheem came forward and took hold of my hands and put them in the blazing fire. Surprisingly, I couldn't feel anything. This perhaps happens when ones' mind and soul is burning from inside, one cannot feel the physical burns. I don't know for how long my hands were inside the fire, but I remember those red altah laiden hands which released Bheem's grip and removed my hands from fire. She kept on looking at me, yet I could not raise my eyes to see her.

Then Madhav, came and advised us that instead of losing our energies to punish ourselves, we should strategies to punish those who did wrong with us. These 13 years of exile should be used by us to gain our strength, because a huge war was waiting for us at the end of these 13 years. He further said, that these 13 years will be my penance for the sins I committed.

Same day, we 5 brothers along with our dear Panchali were ready to start our 13 year long journey, 12 years in forest and 1 year in Agyaat Vaas (in incognito). Along with us, Rishi Dhaumya and his disciples, many other Snatak Bhrahmans along with their families and many people from our kingdom, both Indraprastha and Hastinapur, have gathered, to live with us, during our exile at the forest. That day I realized, how much my people loved me. I did so wrong with them, yet they were ready to leave behind all their fortunes and bear with us the hard life in the forest. I began questioning myself. Do I really deserve all this love and respect from them, with whom I did so wrong?

~~~~~

That's all for now....do let me know how do you like the idea and want me to continue or not. Thank You😊

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~*~Bidding Farewell~*~

[Author's Note:

In reference to this chapter, I have assumed that the following oaths have already been taken at the Dyut Sabha:

1. Bheem pledged that after 14 years, in the battle field , he will rip apart those hands of Dusshashan, with which he had tried to disrobe their dear wife Panchali. He will also tear open Dusshashan's chest and drink his life blood like a lion to extinguish the fire blazing in his heart. He further pledged to break that thigh of Duryodhan, on which he invited Draupadi to sit.

2. Arjun pledged that he will slay Karna and will punish his wicked tongue which dared to call their dear wife, a whore.

3. Sahadev pledged to kill the brain of all these conspiracies, Shakuni in the battle field in the most treacherous manner possible.

4. Draupadi pledged that she will keep her long hair disheveled and will not tie them until and unless someone brings Dusshashan's life blood to clean the dirt of insult and humiliation from her hair.]

~~~~~

Before setting off on our long journey,  I considered it's our responsibility to seek blessings from our Pitamaha, Jyeshthpitashree,  Guru Drona, Kulguru Kripa, and Kakashree Vidur, who were not only our elders but also our well wishers. I agree that all these people, except uncle Vidur, stayed mum while Duryodhana and his gang humiliated my brothers and my wife in the most inhuman manner infront of the whole Rajsabha; but these were the people whom I have idealized since my father passed away. I could not misbehave with them. So, I along with my brothers, our dear wife Panchali, and our mother, went to Hastinapur to bid our farewell. 

Also, I was not willing to let mother accompanying us in this hard phase of life. I could not compromise with her health and wellbeing at such an old age. So, I decided to leave her at Kakashree Vidur's residence, where I knew she would be safe and comfortable.  That was another reason for us to visit Hastinapur.

When we reached the Rajsabha of Hastinapur, everyone's (except those four) eyes were glistening with tears. We went to each one of them to seek their blessings. All of them were so ashamed of themselves that they were not able to look to us. Even, I was unable to raise my eyes, but I could very well perceive whatever was going around me. 

Then, I went to Uncle Vidur and sought his blessings. He was ill-reputed for having a bitter speech, for being able to speak harshest truth with utmost ease, but I was always fond of him. He understood me the most among everyone in the family. Before I could say anything he, himself proposed the idea, "Dear Yudhishthira, I don't think its fit for Bhabhishree to accompany you all into the woods. Look at her delicate health and her old age. Your father Pandu was like my own  brother. In this context, Bhabhishree is very respectable as well as very dear to me. If you don't mind, I will propose to let her stay at my residence and give me and my wife the fortune to be at her service."

Before I could reply, Dusshashan, pretending to be humble, said, "Bharatashree, if  will allow, I want to be at service at Chhoti Ma." 

Bheem snubbed him by with growl. "Don't you dare to call my mother with that wicked mouth of yours. I don't want to become indebted to you. If I become indebted to you, then it will be very difficult for me to tear apart your chest to take your lifeblood for my dear Panchali's hair." 

Anyone can understand that Bheem's oath has instilled fear in the heart of Dusshashan.

Finally it was decided that mother will stay at Kakashree Vidur's place. He advised all of us to stay united. He further gave instructions with respect to routes we may follow during these 13 years and Sages whose blessings and teachings we need to obtain to strive through this long journey and life thereafter. Then he wished us of good health and prayed for us to return whole and safe.

Then, we went to seek blessing from mother. She was weeping and sobbing. The mere thought of separation from her sons  for such a long period was making her weaker with every passing moment.

To refresh her mood, Nakul said, "Mother, one thought has really tensed me, now who will look after sharing our food so that we four brothers can also have something in the presence of majhle bhaiya Bheem." All of us broke into a soft giggle even at the time such distress. 

Mother blessed Draupadi with good fortune and asked her in soft tearful voice, "Dear, you are most dearest to me. I know you are capable of taking care of all my sons, but do take care of yourself too. Please look after my dear Sahadev the most, he is youngest among everyone and forgets to take care of himself."  For the last time, before our departure, we all the brothers shared common hug with our mother, as we used to since our childhood days.

After releasing from the hug I could feel mother's eyes gazing at me, yet I could not raise my eyes to look at her. It felt as if she was trying to sooth my burning heart and soul. Before leaving I asked, one of my brothers to blindfold me. They were quite taken aback, yet Sahadev complied with it. Then we all left for our exile.

Dhritarashtra's POV:

I got to know from Sanjay, my charioteer, about the unusual ways in which my dear Panduputra left for exile. This made me very anxious. I immediately called upon my knowledgeable brother, Vidur, to ask him about it. He clarified the reasons thereof as under: 

Yudhishthira, despite being robbed of his kingdom, wealth has not yet left the path of virtue. His heart was furiously burning with wrath inside. Due to his yog abilities, his single glance of wrath can turn this whole Hastinapur into ash. In order to avoid such havoc, he blindfolded himself.

Bheem went while swinging his arms to show his enemies the sheer power of his strength which will send them to the abode of Yama.

Arjun went while spreading sand all around to signify how he will bring down the rain arrows on his enemies when he will meet them at the battle field at the end of these 13 years. 

Nakul and Sahadev went covering their faces with dirt to avoid showing their distressed faces to their enemies.

And Draupadi went covering her face with her disheveled hair and weeping and sobbing, showing the plight of all those women, whose husbands have done so wrong with her.

After listening to Vidur's clarification, my heart was damn scared for my sons. 

~~~~~*****~~~~~

When we reached the outskirts of Hastinapur, my wrath was somewhat tamed, hence I removed the blind fold and realized that almost entire population of Hastinapur and Indraprastha had accompanied us to the forest. I was aware about the hardships, me and my family, was going to face. It tormented me to let my people suffer with us the hard forest life. So, I started convincing them to stay back in the town. But, they were adamant and were not ready to leave us. I was overwhelmed to see their love towards me despite the sins I committed towards them. 

But, I knew I had to stop them from following us into the woods, so I tried to make them understand for the last time.

"My dear  citizens, the love and respect you all have bestowed on me is way more than I deserve. I know you want to live with us the, hard life in the woods. But as a king, I will be extremely anguished to see you all suffer. Currently, our family members at Hastinapur are in deep grief due to our separation. I request you all, to please return to the town and ensure to keep our family there safe and happy." 

Almost all the citizens, except few snatak brahmans and their families, disheartenedly agreed return to the town. 

The sun has set and it was almost dark when we reached the banks of river Ganga near the mighty banyan tree Pramana. It was quite risky to venture into the woods in the dark, so we decided to stay there for the night. Me, along with my brothers went into the river to bath and purify ourselves. 

We left our kingdom emptyhanded. We literally had nothing other than our simple clothes, our weapons and our grief. For the first time since our marriage with Panchali, we had nothing to feed ourselves or the Brahmans accompanying us. 

I watched everyone around me, including my brother Bheem, who cannot bear hunger even for a blink of an eye, drinking water alone as their sole sustenance. These scenes tormented my soul. My chest felt constricted. I felt as if my soul was getting ripped apart from the body. I wanted to scream out and let out all my pain. I wanted to hug my little brothers and cry my heart out. I wanted to seek solace in the arms of my dear wife Draupadi. But my misjudgments have led me to lose all such rights.

As night progressed, the banks of the river started echoing with the hymns chanted by those Snatak Brahmans. With numerous thoughts swirling in my mind, I was sitting at the roots of Pramana, when I felt that someone took hold of my hands. I raised my eyes and realized that, Nakul, holding a fire torch, was looking at my swollen, red, blistered palms which were also bleeding at few places. I almost forgot about them that entire time. Even if I remembered, I would not have taken any care for them. What is the use of such punishment which does not cause any pain? 

I lowered my eyelids and tried to remove my hands from his grip but it made his grip firmer. His startled and distressed face clearly showed his love for me. 

He left my hand and went away only to return back a few moments later. This time he was carrying a vessel (made out of leaves) carrying water, a small earthen pot, few medicinal leaves and and a piece of cloth, tore from his angavastra. 

He kneeled infront of me and took my hands to wash away all the dirt, blood and pus. The moment water touched my blistered hands, I felt a stinging pain and unconsciously, a small hisssss... escaped my lips. Nakul immediately looked at me. I saw his glassy eyes. Then, he took the earthen pot, which contained some celestial salve, and applied it  in a gentler manner all over my palms. I could feel immediate relief from the stinging pain. Finally, he took those leaves and bandaged them around my hands with the help of that piece of cloth. In a similar manner he attended to the wounds under sole of my feet, caused due to walking on the thorny paths barefooted while being blindfolded. After treating my wounds, he got up and went away without saying a word. 

His touch really had some magic that all my pain just vanished. After all he was the son of great Ashwini Kumar and was an amazing physician. I thanked my good fortune for having a little brother like him who still loved me so much  and despised my action which has turned my fun loving little brother into a gloomy person. It refreshened the scene at the Dyut Sabha, when he volunteered to be staked against Vikarna. 

That night marked the beginning of all my sleepless nights.

Nakul's POV:

That night at the bank of Ganga was very disturbing. The happenings of the day kept flashing infront of my eyes. At once my trance got broken with the memory of an incident and unintentionally, a sigh left out my lips, "JYESHTH!!". 

Immediately, I got up, took a fire torch and started moving towards the roots of Pramana, where Jyeshth was sitting. I have never seen him so unmindful that he could not even register my presence. Silently, I  took hold of his hand and placed them under the light to examine. 

Mentally, I was not ready to see  what I was watching. His soft golden hued hands were swollen and red. They were covered with blisters. Traces of blood could also be seen due to lack of care. Also, his body felt quite warm which indicated that the wound got  slightly infected. The sight infront of me brought tears into my eyes. 

My medical instincts told me that the wound needs to taken care as soon as possible, otherwise it may turn fatal. So, I left his hand and went away.  Just near that place, there was small garden which was an abode of many medicinal herbs. I collected few medicinal leaves, pure water of Ganga and tore a part of my angavastra to substitute for bandage. I also summoned the earthen pot containing celestial salve, which was a gift from my Godfather. I returned back to my Jyeshth.

While washing his hands in water, I heard his whispered yet sharp cry. I looked up at him and wondered, how he could endure so much pain, while carrying a calm and composed face.

Once I was done with bandaging his hands, my eyes fell upon his feet which were smeared with blood. Very carefully, I lifted his foot and witnessed that his sole was punctured at innumerable places with thorns and due to exertion of force, blood was oozing out. I treated those wounds too and left from there silently without uttering a word.

I was not angry with Jyeshth but was crestfallen with him. I still could not believe that the most righteous man in this whole Aryavarth, my jyeshth, staked us, himself and even our wife Panchali in the game of dice. But that does not meant that I did not love him. I still could not see him suffer him alone.

My jyeshth always had this bad habit of suppressing his pains and troubles for the sake of others. During our childhood days, whenever any of us came down with fever, or any injury or felt unwell, he would not leave our bedsides until he nursed back us to good health. However, with respect to his own injuries and illness, he never uttered a single word until any of our mothers, father or any of us found out. 

I can clearly remember that one incident during our stay at Shathasringa forest.

*****

##Flashback##

Me and Sahadev were around 10, Bhrata Arjun was 11, Bhrata Bheem was 12, and Jyeshth was 13 years old. It was around noon time of a hot summer day. We were done with our morning lectures and were playing near a huge mango tree. The tree was full of delicious ripened mangoes. Bhrata Bheem had already climbed up the tree to devour on those sweet fruits. Bhrata Arjun, holding a catapult, was hitting the ripened mangoes and Sahadev was catching them before they landed on earth.

I was always a close companion of Bhrata Bheem, so I was getting ready to climb on the tree. Jyeshth, being the careful one, was helping me out by pointing where to put my foot. At one point I was about to set my right foot on a branch, when I saw Jyeshth, immediately placed his right palm in upturned position on that branch and asked me to step on his palms to avoid getting hurt. I obeyed him and soon reached the branch where Bhrata Bheem was sitting.

We all played there for around next 1/6th prahar [Authors note: 1 prahar = 3 hours, so 1/6th prahar = 30 mins] while Jyeshth (after forbidding us to go anywhere) went to a near by stream to quench his thirst. As soon as he returned, Bhrata Bheem climbed down the tree and announced, "Brothers, now its almost lunch time. Lets go back now. We can come here again tomorrow."

Bhrata Bheem never forgot about lunch time. I too followed him down and asked, "But Bhrata, you just had so many mangoes, will you be able to eat the malpua and kheer so soon."

Bhrata Bheem took me in his tight side hug and said, "Little brother, I agree that these mangoes were too delicious, but these taste nothing infront of the kheer made by mother Kunti and malpua made by mother Madri. I can eat them even if I have eaten all the foods of this world." We all looked at him surprisingly and then broke into a loud laughter.

While returning, we all were almost running but jyeshth was walking a bit slowly behind all of us. From time to time he was also wiping out his sweat with his angavastra. In next 1/6th prahar, we reached our kutir and went inside after washing our hands and feet. Mother Kunti was already waiting for us to serve our lunch.

It was our everyday practice, our three elder brothers use to eat on their own and mother Kunti use to feed me and Sahadev by her own hands. This day was also no different. We were very excited to complete our lunch as soon as possible because mother Madri has promised all five of us that she would be telling us the story of Hanuman.

We were eating quite enthusiastically, when suddenly a thud was heard followed by a loud shriek of mother Madri, "PUTRA!!!"

We all looked at mother Madri, who was standing at the gateway of our kutir. We followed her line of gaze to see........

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Our Jyeshth had collapsed in his place and his eyes were closed.

##Flashback to be continued in the next chapter##

What has happened to Yudhishthira? Stay tuned with me till in the next chapter.

Till then Thank you and Bye Bye😉!!

Love the passion you bring into the story...the pace is really nice!

I am discontinuing this fanfiction here as whenever I am trying to post the new chapter, an error message is popping up, "Spam Contents not allowed." The fanfiction will be there in the fanfiction section.

Hey I have updated my fanfiction at the fanfiction section and shared its link on the index page. Do read it and let me know your comments and feedback.