I'm Dying - SuVan Story (Chap19(NEW) On page15) - Page 10

Chapter 18

When Shravan stepped on the lawn, it felt like a miniature rainforest- dense and moist. He let the heels of his feet press the grass and take in the fuzzy and ticklish feeling of grass grown all over. Maybe Damru had forgotten to manicure it. The night was heavy and dark, without a star twinkling or maybe it was just an illusion. The stars were ever twinkling, it was just that- he could not see it. Happiness and peace in life also worked the same way, it is always present inside us until we find it, excavate it out.

Suman walked on the lawn and stood 3 feet behind Shravan. She scrounged for a feeling of belonging to the place but found none. It felt so alienated to stand in the middle of nowhere, in the passivity and immensity of solidarity. Her breathing convulsed and she decided to start the "talk" Shravan had called her for. 'Shravan!' Suman called out to him as he gently turned around without a spec of surprise.

He traced the decaying lines of peace on her forehead and somewhere feared that he had induced it all. 

Self-hatred and Self- destruction weren't just terms used in fiction. It happened for real. 

'Why do you care for me, Suman? You literally had an anxiety attack because I went to the Cantt. without informing you, huh, seriously? For god's sake, I thought you had better reasons....' Shravan left the question immediately gulping so hard that his throat hurt.

Suman squinted her eyes and shook her head incredulously. 'What? Other reasons? Like how my father is dead and my mother lingers around me in my head? huh? that I am an on-leave army officer, hiding from the world that I am mentally ill? Speak it out Shravan! I know. I know you don't like it here, and I was trying to help. Good for you if you are too desperate to leave.'

Shravan's thoughts were precariously held under his tongue. His one wrong word and intimation- could ruin the whole base of their conversation. 'No. I am sorry!' Shravan licked his lips as he tried to compose himself. 'Look Suman!' his hands waved in desperation. 'I, I just wanted to know that why do you care for me? I wasn't pushing you, I never do...' Shravan's voice carried an apology.

Suman felt her heart thumping wildly in her rib cage. She knew that he would never think what she had accused him of. She could say 'I understand.' and it shall be over. But does she want all this to be over? What if, he really meant it. What if he didn't really mean it but at least deserved it? Deserved to be away from her.

With paltry strength, Suman turned around her head and faced Shravan. She could have psychic troubles but she wasn't an apprentice in emotions. 'Get the hell out of here!' she spoke, loud enough. It banged the air in the surroundings, filling Shravan's chest with anything but air. His chest swelled with despondency but he still shook his head in negative. 'I said I am sorry. I know what you think....' Shravan's head was ducked but he could feel Suman's flaring breathes. Before he could complete he was interrupted again.

'I said get the god damn hell out of here !' Suman's voice was breaking her own heart. She felt like drowning in a frigid, desolate- ice water at the very bottom of the world. Her skin felt ripping apart from her skeleton, there was pain and just pain. 

I am saving you. So help me this last time. Please Shravan! Suman's dark brown eyes still were unable to hide the hurt. Between her throat and tongue- the back of her head throbbed in the exhaustion of all the lies she had told ever since.

Shravan felt a different kind of rage building inside him. When he tried reading her eyes she turned around.  His thoughts jammed in his head, one over the other. 'I know you want me to leave. I will. But not before I tell you something. Because it was my idea to be here.' Shravan knew what she thought and what she tried of doing to him. She was still this silly girl who thought that she could say all that and push him away. But both of them have walked a very long way since that day. The day he had really walked out, not now.

'7 years ago, I had made a mistake. I had walked out when I should have told you something. I have endured the repercussions ever since. My life has been painful, difficult, and sagging. It feels like walking in a catacomb, a narrow gallery of an excavation site, huh...' Shravan gave out a ghostly chuckle. 'I was all surrounded by our memories, trying to carve them to flesh and blood. Now, when we stand together- I want you to know that I won't leave. I love you!' Shravan's throat was choked with tears. It wasn't just some salty fluid getting out of his eyes and filling his nostrils- it was the liquid of liberation and calmness, of rage and wait.

He could read her back as her shoulders quivered. Maybe she was crying too. He ducked his head into her shoulders, closer to the nape of her neck, and hearing her muffled sobs grabbed her shoulders and formed a ring of his arms around her chest. He pressed his head deep as he felt her stiffened spine relaxed under his touch. ' You don't understand Shravan. I am not fine. I am a squatter. I don't belong anywhere, I feel alienated. Everywhere! I will ruin you and that will be my biggest defeat. Please..' Suman cried as she felt his tears rolling down to her shoulder blade. 

'You make me feel like shit.' Shravan mumbled. 

'No. I don't. I just want to save you. If I won't be here, you...' Suman tried reasoning. The reasoning was coming to her head. But standing here, with his head ducked in her soul, she suddenly wanted to stay. 

'I will follow you. Everywhere. Let us both be squatters, Suman. Let us both not belong.' Shravan's voice was firm and warm. 

At this Suman just stayed quiet. She interceded her own trail of thoughts and a feeling of ignominy surged her senses. 'I'm sorry but I'm dying Shravan. And it isn't easy to die little by little each day. Do you think I didn't want to be with you? Not true.' Suman's voice was fragile and brittle. Even if it broke, he was there to join it back together. 'I thought of us. In the beginning. But nothing helped, and I found you toiling around me, trying to keep it all sane. You think that you can do it, you will- I know. But I don't want you to burn in the distress of my melancholy, my problems. I figured it out, that sooner or later- I have to let go.' she left out a heavy sigh.

Shravan's lips curled in a peaceful grin. If she loved him back- it was the only pass for heaven to him. He barely wanted anything else in his life. 'You think pushing me away, or getting away yourself from all of this- is going to make me happy. Suman, if you die- I die. That's it. It isn't going to make things better- for how long could you remain without a heart. Maybe, I won't die with the same rush of blood and pain, but I will. So- you aren't saving me. Not this way.' his words penetrated Suman's heart which was prisoned in prejudices.

Suman turned around to face him. She could trace that deftly etched grin over his face when he knew everything was right. When she knew that he knew that they will make it together. She touched his arms with her hands, she stayed close to him with almost no distance. A tinkering blaze of cold air made her shiver but she was more than happy to feel anything else. It was a swing from the extremities- and she knew it would take time- but it was all worth it.

Shravan was instantly down on a knee, a bit awkward- that he was without a ring. 'Captain Suman Tiwari! Would you accept me as your comrade for life? Because I don't know how to fight a battle without you. Can I grow old with you? when we turn 90, we can sit across each other just drinking tea without our teeth.  Will you honour me to be your husband?' Shravan said whatever he felt appropriate for the moment. 

Suman was jumping. After years she felt like a kid, with joy and no worries. 'Yes! YES! YES! YES! To all your questions!' she said and bent down to place a peck on his lips. 

'Damn! That was unexpected.' Shravan hysterically smiled at his lady love.

damn, the emotional baggage that suman is affected by so much and seeing shravan's persistence to remain by her side forever ...really deep dear! very good!👏

Brilliant updates, the last two chapters 👍🏼

Originally posted by: subhashree126

Fabulous 

Thanks !

Originally posted by: Meena_J

damn, the emotional baggage that suman is affected by so much and seeing shravan's persistence to remain by her side forever ...really deep dear! very good!👏

Thanks dear 

Originally posted by: tinamalHOTra96

Brilliant updates, the last two chapters 👍🏼

Thanks

Chapter 19

Suman whipped the egg with expertise as she brooded her worries masked with a fit of even anger. 'He should have told me, he is off again!' She let her hands slow down a bit as she again grabbed her mobile phone and swapped Shravan's number. For the 100th time, the sweet and piercing voice of the automated lady told her that his phone was switched off.

'You need to go for the session.' Kanchan had got married 2 days ago and now stood all studded in heavy embroidery and a choker necklace.

'Kancha?' Suman turned around, surprised. She scanned her sister, top to bottom, and could already hear her Aunt go fussy in the drawing-room about gifts and stuff. 'I would have choked with all that..' Suman gave out a chuckle and continued her work.

'Funny!' Kanchan folded her arms across her chest as she rolled her eyes and huffed. 'I am here to take you and you are still less on your breakfast. 

'Shravan likes to eat an omelet for breakfast. Me being the goody fiancee- literally woke up to make it for him and he is nowhere to be seen.' Suman whipped the egg harder in anger. 'His phone is switched off and hell!' she nonchalantly addressed her worries to Kanchan who was already trying to hide the fact that it was Shravan who had told her to be with Suman for the whole long day, to get her to Doctor Gujral and then take her back home. He was at an important meeting, a very important one.

'Suman. He might have had some work.' Kanchan's words were slow and smooth. 'We need to go.' 

Suman didn't feel the air of tension and after a few minutes abandoned her work and went away to get ready.

As she left Kanchan felt a queer lethargy take over her. She froze as she looked over the kitchen counter. Suman had whipped 20 eggs. 20, bloody eggs- and half of it were on the floor. Kanchan rubbed her temples. It had been 10 days since Shravan had proposed to Suman and 3 days to their engagement. It was a sweet and small affair- no fuss. She grabbed her mobile and texted Shravan once again. 'I am taking her. Don't worry.' she wrote and then her fingers struggled to find an emoji but she still couldn't gather the appropriate wit to do so. 

She bent down to clear the mess, as she could hear her mother advance towards the kitchen. 

Beena came to the entrance of the kitchen and stood there looking at her daughter. Kanchan figuratively avoided her mother's gaze. 'I am fine.' she said as it echoed in the back of her brain. 

Beena opened her mouth and closed it again, thinking that nothing she could do or say which could change the tide of things.

After the kitchen seemed cleaner, Kanchan made her way to Suman's room. In her way, she instructed Damru to boil the vegetables and clean the utensils. It was all so normal. the warm air, the ticking clock, the hanging photographs - but still so different. The people living in the house were no more the same. 

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Shravan was resigning from the field. He was taking up a desk job and Kanchan and Bunty were given the responsibility to look after Suman when he was away in the Cantt. It was more about hiding the truth, or just about not telling it. A day before their engagement Dr. Gujral had called up Shravan and had arranged an important and solitary meet-up. Over tea, which looked anything but regretful and heavy he had revealed that Suman's diagnosis wasn't just a traumatic syndrome but it had progressed to some awful shit. Her mood swings, her mania to extermities- from happy to sad wasn't normal- it was a disorder. It was BIPOLAR DISORDER. For a moment Shravan had just measured the weight and depth of his friend's words. And then it's a depressing reality.

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'I had suspected it for quite some time.' Gujral muddled through the topic. ' I was observing. During the sessions, there were instant bouts of anxiety, you know- topics related to you would make her restlessly happy. In the starting, she would avoid it, and then she won't stop talking about it. She doesn't realize but swinging between extremes of once trying to kill it all and then the other moment just trying to be extremely joyful is also troubling her body. And then there is a state of utter confusion- of not knowing what to do and what not to. SO when she says that she wants to keep others safe, maybe- at that moment she realizes that something is wrong with her.' Gujral rubbed his temples. 'See Shravan,' 

Shravan looked frozen at his spot. He tried to move his leg a bit to feel if he is still alive or not. 

Gujral licked his lips 'You are my best friend Shravan and I know you love her. But for this time, she isn't completely fine. We will treat her back. The relief is..' Gujral tried to instil hope as he smiled a bit. 

Shravan looked up for the first time in the whole conversation. 

'Its BIPOLAR 2 and the mania in this thing is a little less elevated. It's generally triggered by more than one depressive epi...' As Gujral continued to speak, Shravan just looked at the design his report was making on his eyes. There were, symptoms and treatment and whatnot written all over the file- under the name of  Suman Tiwari. The girl he had given his heart to. Only he knew what she was to him, and all these things under her name were making him feverish, so much so that he wanted to throw up. 

                                                                    We Care- Mental health Hospital

Name: Suman Tiwari   Sex: F  Age:25 years  

Address- Tiwari house, Street 56, Army colony, Bhopal

Flying suddenly from one idea to the nextHaving exaggerated self-confidenceRapid, "pressured" (uninterruptible) and loud speechIncreased energy, with hyperactivity and a decreased need for sleep.

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Shravan's phone buzzed again with his mother's name. His family was already running a race to get him married. He hadn't told them about the engagement. he had to convince Suman that everything shall be fine when he barely knew if it would be. He would have given his right arm to see this day only if anyone deleted the gloom of the unwelcomed news of Suman's diagnosis. He was filling up forms of temporary resignation from the field, it saddened him but not on the cost of losing Suman. 

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Kanchan hurried towards Suman's room still thinking that it took her more than the right time to get ready. She opened the room and found it anything but in its idyllic state. 'Suman?' her voice was meek as she struggled to get through the waves of clothes scattered all over in heaps of mountains.

'Kanchan. Is there something wrong with me?' Suman sat on the corner of the bed, staring through the mess of her room with tears glassing her eyes. 

Kanchan felt her neck get cemented. She shook it with great pain. 'You look lovely.' she said throwing the knot in her throat far way.

'You know why this all happened? ' Suman pointed out at the mess of clothes. 'I wanted this, maroon tank top- and I surfed over all the place and then suddenly I started throwing things around. I didn't realise until...' Suman's lips quivered. Her face which was heated in exsertion was chilled by the salty water of tears as Kanchan came forward to embrace her. 'Nothing's wrong, we need to leave.' Kanchan grabbed her sister's hands and just dragged her out- maybe to a better place.

Suman, who felt like digging herself into earth didn't protest. She was anyways doing harm than being safe- if left alone. She didn't tell Kanchan- but at that moment- for the first time in many days she thought of how good it would do to everybody is she weren't there anymore. Everybody would be happy. It might hurt Shravan a bit, but the endgame shall be peaceful for him too. Before all of this, it was how she was hurting. How she felt the stones plunging in her own chest, but now it was how her own hollowness was ruining everybody around. So, she needed to be oblivious and just needed to vanish.

Vanish!

 yes.

Amazing update!!!

OMG, that was totally unexpected Suman has bipolar disorder... 💔