Alternatively also called,
5 Times Abir Rajvansh Controlled Himself and The One Time He Didn't
Abir Rajvansh had mastered at least one skill in two months. Masking and, to some extent, controlling his emotions. Not flinching when he heard her name, not crumbling with instant guilt when the Maheshwaris refused to come to the Rajvansh house anymore, smiling at everything his family said and most importantly, not wincing as soon as his Mom came in front of him.
It was almost funny, one day he was looking at her like she was his saviour, like she was the best mother he could ever wish for and then fate twisted and he resented her. At times, he felt guilty, because she was his mother. Wasn't she always do things that were the best for him? Then, a little part of him would break. She didn't really care to see beyond the perspective she had set for herself.
And of course, Abir was now suffering at her hands.
All those controlled, hidden emotions stayed that way only till a certain Angry Chorni wasn't in front of him.
The first time he saw her, after two long months, she had her arm hooked to Nishant's. She didn't even wear her glasses. She was not his Angry Chorni. Something inside him bubbled, akin to anger and self-loathe. She was doing just fine without him. Why did he ruin her so, that she had to change the things that most defined her? Her face from two months ago, tear-stained, begging him to talk came to him. He had definitely done her a number. He felt the heavy weighted guilt.
He felt like enveloping her in his arms and telling her he was there for her. That he would protect her and not dare to leave her ever again but he saw Nishant, Nannu as she loved to call him, wrap his arms around her shivering body and Abir stopped himself. He had done it. He deserved it.
-
The second time, he did not even see her. He only could hear her. Speaking to Nishant about how their family wasn't ready for it. Abir looked up from the phone to find Kunal looking at him with worry. Eyes back on the screen, he paid attention to their hushed whispers about their little secret. Abir felt like he was intruding a private moment. He hated it. All it took was one look at Kunal's face for hin to not go running to Mishti. He was doing it for his little brother. He had promised to never choose but he had. He had chosen to protect his brother from their mother and chosen to let go of the one woman who loved him selflessly. A part of him winced at the past tense. She had already moved on. He felt like hugging Kunal and letting himself feel but he stopped himself. Kunal didn't deserve it.
-
When the next morning Kunal spoke harshly to Mishti, Abir knew it was because he was seeing Abir in pain. His brother loved him and that was enough to make him feel at least a little bit good about his otherwise terrible decision. When he saw Nishtant hug Mishti and then wipe her tears, a part of Abir wanted to tear them apart. To be the one telling Mishti it was going to be okay. To tell her he won't let her ever cry. He had failed to keep those promises. He had broken her heart more than anyone ever had. He hated himself.
When Mishti chose Nishant's 'rajkot ka special gola' over his chai, Abir wanted to ask her why. And how. How could she so easily let him go? How could she forget him in a mere span of two months and change herself so much? How could she not be affected everytime she saw him because she affected him. Seeing her made him want her. She was the light in his life. The only person who supported him more than he protected her. Her smile, her anger, her chorni avatar, it was all for him, wasn't it? Wasn't she the one who told him she'll never leave him? He wanted to ask her all of it, ask her how she moved on so easily while he was still stuck at the same point, wondering if he could ever find his way back to her. But then he stopped. Controlled. He had wished for it. Wished for her to move on and find someone stronger than him. Someone who would chose her over everyone else. If Nishant would do that, who was Abir to question her?
-
The fourth time Abir Rajvansh found himself breaking a little was when Nishant had called him and asked him to join the little welcome party the Maheshwaris had kept for him. Why wouldn't they? He was the son of the house. Abir's thoughts turned to Badi Maa, who loved him so much. Kunal had told him about her little message, how she knew him so well. He was her son to her, wasn't he? Now, seeing Kuhu's Instagram pictures, he knew she was busy welcoming her grandson. And of course, he would replace Abir there as well. Whenever Nishant and Mishti decided to tell their family about them. Abir tried to gulp the sudden lump in his throat. His hand flew to his aviators, to check if they were in place. Something to make sure he wouldn't emote. He couldn't. Not when he knew it would only be a burden to everyone around him.
-
The fifth time Abir controlled himself, he felt like he was on the edge. He had asked Kuhu and Kunal and of course his trustworthy Jugnu to not let his mother know that he was visiting the Maheshwari household. To not let her know that Mishti was back. To not let her know Mishti had another guy in her life. Abir's eyes welled, thinking about what his mother would have to say. Mishti found a new guy so soon? Nishant did say they were together for two months. It was two months to their break-up as well. Did it not take her even a second to forget him? Did he ruin their relationship to this extent? Did he break her to a point where all her promises of finding him again failed? Abir felt like going to his Mom, asking her why she did this to him. Why she was letting him torture himself? Why she couldn't see that he needed Mishti like he needed air? But Abir didn't. That would mean expressing in front of his mother and Abir had stopped doing that.
-
Abir knew he was actively walking into an emotional dynamite field. Every step of the way was going to be torture. Every smile, every namaste would suck the life out of him. He was right.
When he entered the house, it grew visibly quiet. He could feel eyes on himself, eyes accusing him for doing what he did. For the first time since he met him, Abir was grateful that Nishant interrupted, explaining how he knew Abir. He saw Bade Papa look at Mishti cautiously who didn't even look at them. Only smiled at Nishant. Abir bit his lip.
Jasmeet cut through the heavy tension as she came to Nishant. Something about finding a girl for him. Abir immediately looked at Nishant who looked at Mishti. Jasmeet noticed it too and walked to Mishti, asking her if she knew anything about her son's girlfriend.
Mishti looked like a deer caught in headlights, looking at her Nannu in panic. Abir gulped. The last thing he needed was Mishti and Nishant declaring their relationship status and the family accepting it with open arms.
Even Jasmeet seemed friendly to Mishti now. Why would they have any problem with the rishta when they loved both Mishti and Nishant. Abir felt suffocated, he needed air. Slipping away from the tense hallway, he rushed outside, wanting some fresh air.
Once he was finally out, standing against the outer walls, his eyes welled up. Abir took off his aviators and closed his eyes. The emotions that had been clogged up threatened to flow. One astray tear ran down his face and Abir immediately rubbed it off. Not now, Abir. He assured himself. There would be a time when he would let himself feel. When he was with the diary his Angry Chorni had gifted him. Abir groaned as he heard their voices again. Could someone let him feel in peace?
“Mishti, tumhara dimaag kharaab hai?”
“So what do you want me to do Nannu? I hate being put on spot. I would tell them the truth, I can't handle not telling Badi Maa.” Abir's heart clenched as he heard her voice, thick with emotion.
“But this is not about you na, Mish.” His voice had considerably softened, in reaction to what was most probably her tear-filled eyes.
Abir sighed, trying to hide himself in the shadows. He didn't want to eavesdrop but he couldn't now move. He didn't want to. He needed to know Mishti had moved on.
“And what happens when they know the truth? Jasmeet Aunty will be so mad at me.”
“Then we'll handle it together. There is no fault of yours in this. It is my choice.”
Abir turned slightly only to find them hugging. Great.
“I'll always have your back. Like you had mine.” Mishti assured him.
“Oh, I am doing you a lot of favours. Your lover boy looked like he saw a ghost when he thought we'll tell everyone we are dating.”
Abir's eyes widened. What were they going on about?
“Kuch bhi, why will he think that?”
“Tumhi toh naach naach ke keh rahi thi, Abir still loves me, Abir still loves me. Obviously jealous hai. He thinks he has such a hot competition.”
Mishti laughed and dragged him inside, leaving Abir really look like he had seen a ghost. Nishant knew about Abir and Mishti? Mishti told him Abir still loved her? They were making him jealous?
He was stunned for a few moments before he finally let himself feel. It came in all at once, frustration, anger, happiness, sadness, confusion. Most importantly, he felt relieved. Like he still had a chance.
---
I loved the angst and Shaheer is doing such a brilliant job. Plus, Vatsal and Rhea are really hitting it off with the vibes. What would a girl dream of except a totally platonic, supportive relationship between a guy and a girl.
Let me know how it was. :)
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