Babita OS: Not Your Fault

Not Your Fault

Nearly twenty minutes must have passed since Babita had arrived at the police station. She had rocked back and forth, wiped the sweat off her upper lip, worried the edge of her dupatta and sometimes glanced at the main entrance to bide her time. Yet, those frivolous actions had failed to ease her turbulent mind.

Leaning back against the bench, she took a deep breath. Her heart grew heavy as she recalled the morning's assault. She might have walked away with her head held high and dignity intact, but it didn't change the fact that for those few minutes, she had been terrified out of her mind. For a few moments, she had genuinely thought that she would have been raped. That too, in front of a child.

Babita inhaled a shaky breath. With trembling fingers, she scrambled to clutch the side of the bench. Her eyes frantically searched for something to hang onto. A semblance of sanity perhaps, or an anchor to ground herself.

Police officers walked by, too busy in their duties to pay her a glance. Those who did look at her, were of the criminal variety and had nothing but villainous intent.

Babita's eyes fell to the cement floor. The heavy rise and fall of her chest made her even more uncomfortable. She frantically rearranged her dupatta so that she didn't attract any unwanted attention. Her heart thudded as she took a quick glance at herself. She was hiding herself again. After what she had told Minnie about being more than mere body parts, she was reduced to just that again. And what did it take for her to feel like that? A man. A lowlife, good for nothing, lust filled man.

Babita's face soured with disgust. As the days passed, she felt like she was getting new reasons to hate men. She had always believed that if there are bad people out there, then there's an equal amount of good. But the things she has had to see and hear in the past few months, she was starting to believe that the scale was heavily tipped towards the bad.

Bad. How does she even define such a term? What is bad anyways? Does someone become bad because of their actions? Then what about their thoughts? Do they not hold any value? After all, if one's thoughts are left unchecked, won't they quickly spiral out of control and make them do something they shouldn't?

Babita crossed her arms. Despite there being a wealth of discourses on morals and ethics, there's still a constant dilemma on what the right course of action should be. Sometimes Babita finds herself feeling amazed by how people need to be taught not to do heinous crimes like rape and murder. Do they not hear an inner voice screaming out at them to not do such a thing?

"Daughter ki mother, aap yaha?" Hanuman softly addressed.

Babita snapped out of her musing. Upon seeing Hanuman, she immediately stood up. A tingling sensation wormed through her pores. It was an odd mixture of safety and nervousness.

"Mujhe," She hesitated, lowering her eyes. For a brief moment, she wondered if she was doing the right thing. She had never filed a complaint for sexual assault before. What kind of questions would she be asked? Would Hanuman ask her those questions? She didn't think she had it in her to bare herself to him with such intimate details.

"Aap?" Hanuman encouraged with a tilt to his head.

"Woh..." She stopped when her eyes fell on the other people in the room. Clutching her purse, she tried again. "Woh mujhe baat karni thi."

Sighing, Hanuman said, "Baat toh ghar par bhi ho sakti hai. Thaane aane ki ke zaroorat hai?"

"Official baat hai." Babita clarified in a soft voice.

She kept her eyes lowered as her words sank into Hanuman's mind. Clenching his jaw, he nodded once before he gestured for her to walk inside his office. With heavy steps, Babita did as instructed.

It was odd. She had come to Hanuman's office seeking help many times before but today she felt alone in a whole new way. She dragged the chair backwards, gingerly sat down, and twirled the edge of her dupatta. She took a few deep breaths and contemplated the best way to tell him. Should she go into the minute details or just give the broad strokes? Would he want to know where she was touched and how? Should she start from the beginning and narrate the events as a story or just get straight to the point?

"Kirayedaarniji?" Hanuman spoke. His hands were folded and resting atop his desk, patiently waiting for Babita to speak. "Ke baat hai?"

"Woh aaj kam par..." She trailed off. Her eyes lowered and she pulled back, unable to speak.

"Dekhiye aap ko jo kehna hai, khul kar kahiye. Dar ne ki koi baat ni." Hanuman reassured her.

Babita breathed deeply. She took comfort and strength in her words and tried again.

Straightening her back, she spoke, "Mujhe ek FIR likhwani hai. Amit Kukreja ke kilaaf." She finally looked Hanuman directly in the eye, silently conveying the issue at hand.

Babita noticed how Hanuman's demeanor changed. His shoulders straightened, his jaw clenched and his knuckles turned white from how tightly they were clasped together. Babita observed him further, trying to pinpoint what it was that made him seem so different at the moment. Was it the hint of aggressiveness that fluttered underneath his actions? Or was it his eyes that were looking at the world with a harsh sharpness?

Babita rubbed her arms. She looked up and noticed the fan spinning on low. It did its job of keeping the room cool but Babita still felt odd. Her skin was cold to the touch but on the inside it was as if she had been set on fire.

When Hanuman was ready with a pen in hand and the FIR placed before him, he turned his full attention onto Babita.

"Boliye. Exactly hua kya?" He was quiet and yet his voice carried a roughness to it that slightly threw her off.

She knew none of it was aimed towards her. After all, she hadn't done anything wrong. She had just been doing her job. It was Amit who had lust filling his mind and who had crossed the line.

Hardening her heart, Babita recounted the morning's events. How she had been asked to play with the child while Mrs. Kukreja had wandered off doing nothing of utmost importance. How Amit had entered the room, and upon seeing her, had struck a conversation. She had responded but only out of civility. Being in the same room as him had made her gut continuously twist itself inside out. Every single cell inside her body had been screaming at her to get out. But she didn't. She had ignored those warning bells and carried on with her duty. That had been her mistake. Her hesitation had given him the opportunity to make his advancements on her.

Babita wiped a tear and took a deep breath. She closed her eyes and Amit's face flashed before her. His hot breath making her own breathing difficult, his hands holding her arms in a vice like grip, him being so close to her - she looked away rubbing her arms. She felt so dirty. She knew it was important to give her statement but at the moment, all she wanted to do was get home and take a long hot bath. Just scrub away all the muck and disgust out of her pores. She hated how for the second time she was made to feel this way.

"Hum thoda se break le sakte hai." Hanuman offered.

"Nahi," Babita immediately replied. The mere idea of prolonging this ordeal any longer filled her with dread. "Mein teekh hoon."

She didn't sound very convincing but Hanuman let it be for the moment. He gestured for her to carry on. Babita knew she would be asked some difficult questions and she was. However, since the assault was minor, they didn't have to go into extensive detailing. A fact that Babita was extremely grateful for.

After another ten minutes of questioning, Hanuman slid the report over to Babita for her to look over. She didn't quite see what was the point of it since she trusted him to fill it out faithfully. Still, upon his insistence, she read it and signed her approval.

With the last stroke, she released a deep breath. Hanuman offered her a glass of water, which she accepted. Downing half of it in quick gulps, Babita sat back in her chair. The matter was far from over. Right now, she had just filed a complaint. Amit was surely going to counter it with a false allegation of his own. Then there was his wife. There was no way she would sit back quietly while her husband was being defamed. Babita had been told repeatedly that no matter how dirty her case got, she should still be thankful that it got wrapped pretty quickly. Otherwise court cases have been famous for being dragged on for months and years.

"Ji, ab aap kaisi hai?" Hanuman asked softly.

"Kuch teekh ni lag ra." Babita answered truthfully. "Sab, andaro andaro gaanda sa lag ra hai."

Clasping his hands, Hanuman nodded in understatement. "Iss gandigi ko mitne mein kuch waqt toh lage ga. Bas aap yeh kyal rakhiye ki aap khudh ko blame na kare. Aaj jo bhi hua, uss mein aap ki koi galti na hai."

Babita nodded. "Woh toh mein samaj thi hoon par phir bhi. Aap ni samjenge."

"Agar aap chaho toh yaha par kahin mahila officers hai jin ke saath aap baat kar sakti ho." Hanuman offered, pointing towards the door. "Mein abhi bula deta hoon." He had risen out of his chair when Babita stopped him.

He sat back down while Babita placed her glass of water on the desk. "Agar mujhe unse baat karni hoti toh mein pehle se kar leti. Par mere liye itna asaan ni hai, kissi anjaan se aisi personal baatein share karna." She avoided meeting his gaze as she spoke.

It was only in the moment of silence that brewed between them that she finally looked at him. She felt a jolt in her heart when she saw the softness in his eyes. It was there for a brief moment but it had been enough to shake her. Not wanting to deal with the confusing emotion, she looked away.

Clearing his throat, Hanuman gave her another suggestion. "Toh phir aap Naeem Bi se baat kar li jiye. Jo bhi aap ke maan mein ho, aap keh de jiye. Rona hai toh roh lena, agar moti moti gali deni hai woh bhi de dena." A hint of a smile curved Babita's lips upwards. "Matlab, aap dil khol kar unse baat kar sakti hai. Woh samaj jayegi."

Smiling, Babita nodded. "Mein ab chalti hoon. Minnie bhi aa gayi hogi."

Rising from his seat, Hanuman nodded. As she reached the door, Babita halted. She knew talking with Naeem Bi would alleviate some of her stresses, however, she feared the thoughts that would invade her during the night. She looked over her shoulder and saw Hanuman standing a few feet away from her. Her toes curled as she battled with her heart. She wanted to ask him if he would be willing to stay up with her if needed, but it didn't seem fair. Hanuman was a police officer, not her personal therapist. Besides, just because she wouldn't be getting any sleep, it didn't mean others had to lose theirs too.

"Ke hua?" Hanuman asked, answering her unasked question.

"Kuch ni." Babita replied with a forced smile.

"Mein Lala ko keh doon aap ko ghar tak chodne ke liye." He offered but Babita declined. "Toh mein chod doon?"

Babita got flustered. "Nayi, mein chali jaoongi. Aap ko takleef uthane ki zaroorat ni hai."

"Iss mein takleef ki koi baat ni. Aur vaise bhi aap sayi salamat ghar pohanch jaye, yeh bhi toh hamara kaam hai."

There was a strange lightness raising up Babita's heart. She squashed it away immediately. It was his job to help people. His offer was also a part of that service. It didn't mean anything else. Besides, she wasn't going to ride with him on his bike. What would people say if they saw them together like that? Being so close to a man, that too, shortly after her divorce? And after what Amit did, she didn't want to be near anyone.

The worm of disgust crawled up her body again. She was definitely having that long bath when she went home.

"Sach mein, mein chali jaoongi. Aur vaise bhi, mujhe kuch saman lena hai toh mein raaste mein ruk jaoongi." Babita diverted.

"Teekh hai, toh shaam ko milte hai."

Nodding, Babita left for home.

There was a weird concoction of emotions stirring inside of her. There was a definite lightness as she knew she had a strong support backing her up. There was also a sense of righteousness, knowing that the step she took was correct. If Amit had the courage to do this to her, then surely he would have had the courage to misbehave with others. Who knows how many other women he had assaulted or would have continued to assault if she hadn't spoken up. A bit of apprehension was also there as to what the fallout would be from this. She prayed word didn't get out. Her name had already been wrongfully linked with a lot of men in a short period of time. There was no need to give more ammunition to her ill wishers.

Hailing down an auto, she provided the address to her home.

Babita mulled upon that. Home. Ever since her marriage, she had only known one home, and that was the Khurana's. She was taught that her in-laws' home is her forever home. That the only way she can permanently leave is through her funeral. Divorce was never really an option for her. It wasn't something that was ever looked upon favorably. Whenever it was discussed, it was always done so with the woman being at fault. The marriage failed because of her. If the wife can't do her job properly then obviously the man would go to another woman to fulfill his needs.

Babita shut her eyes. She had failed too. Ashok had to go to Meeta to feel satisfied. If she had just been a better wife then this wouldn't have happened. When it came to smarts, she was nowhere near Meeta. She wasn't as educated as her nor did she have any work experience to be proud of. Even in terms of looks and beauty, Babita didn't think too highly of herself. Compared to Meeta, Babita's dressing sense was very simplistic. She never took a lot of interest when it came to makeup or other such accessories. She simply never found the appeal for it. Now, she wondered if she should have delved into it a little more.

But would that have made a difference? At the end of the day, she was still a simple Punjab di kudi while Meeta was a Bengalan, born and raised in London. Those factors alone made her more exotic and appealing than Babita.

Babita. Plain, old, and boring. Just like her.

The auto came to a stop. Wiping her tears, she paid the driver, took out her keys and entered the haveli. The moment she entered and locked the door, her shoulders slumped. The day's exhaustion was both catching up to her and rendering her weak. With hurried steps, she climbed the stairs, grabbed a fresh set of clothes and entered the bathroom.

It didn't take her long to strip herself of her tainted clothes. She kept them aside so that she could trash them later. She ran the water at full force and began scrubbing herself clean. Rinse, scrub, lather and repeat. It was undoubtedly the longest bath Babita had ever taken but she didn't care. She'll pay double for the hydro bill if she had to. All she wanted at the moment was to erase all the men who had wronged her.

She wanted Amit's hot breath to be gone so that she can breathe in fresh air. She wanted Khatri's grubby hands off of her so that she can wrap herself in warm hugs. She wanted Ashok out of her so that she can walk around freely without any guilt. She wanted them all to be gone. Completely wiped out, erased. Away from her and her life. So far away that even if she called out to them, they could never come back.

With one final rinse, Babita turned the faucet off. As she dried herself off, she paused. Minnie wasn't home yet so she had a few minutes to spare. She took a quick glance at her body and noticed the obvious changes it had made since her youth. Unable to look any further, she wrapped herself in her towel and clothed herself. She couldn't even bare to look at herself. How could she have possibly expected her husband to do the same?

She ran out the bathroom. The cool air was a nice welcome to the suffocated room she had come out of. It didn't do much to alleviate her of the shock she had given herself. Curling her fingers tightly around the bed post, she tried not to cry. It wasn't her fault. Ashok cheating on her, wasn't her fault. Khatri trying to molest her wasn't her fault. Amit trying to rape her wasn't her fault. Nothing that they did was her fault.

Once again, she failed. Looking at the bed didn't do her any good either. Flashes of her nights with Ashok played through her mind. When those ended, she began to imagine Khatri and Amit forcing her against her will. She clutched her head, praying that her mind would think of something positive.

An empty bed. That's all it was. She had to remind herself that it wasn't the bed of her past. It's not the same one where she used to sleep alone at night. It's not the same one where she lost her virginity as a part of her marital duty. No, that bed had been left behind at the Khurana house.

This was a new bed. This one was given to her out of kindness. On this one, she shed tears and wove new dreams. Fascinating dreams, thrilling dreams. Dreams that give her something precious whenever they arrive - hope. She got hope when she laid on this bed. Hope for a better future. For herself and for Minnie.

Her heart heavy, she collapsed onto the bed. Curling up into a fetal position, she slid her hands underneath the pillow. The coolness from the bed sheet and pillow case calmed her a little.

She might not have a house of her own, but she had a place she could come back to when the day was over. The roof over her head didn't belong to her, but it still managed to make her feel sheltered. The food they ate was bought with the money she earned and produced with immense love. She might not have made a lot of friends but the few that she did make were highly precious to her.

The last few months had brought about a wave of one bad thing after another. But that didn't mean that the rest of her life would continue in the same manner. Surely there were better things in store for her. There simply had to.

With that final thought, Babita let the day's exhaustion consume and lull her to a deep sleep.