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My head is so wrapped up with her these days, I am not myself. So I decide to unwind with my best friend for some good old uncomplicated boy stuff.
I enter his house and the lights go off. How on earth? I have barely taken in the romantic lights when she hugs me.. This is the very same her, by the way. I should have yelled 'Rape! ', going by the number of times this woman has been out to entice me. She just sprouts up from nowhere, I tell you. She manages to stun me too, which is exactly why I didn't yell 'Rape'. I didn't even protest. I couldn't. I have these extreme reactions to her. Either I counter her viciously or I succumb to her like this. Both these reactions are so unlike me. I usually keep to myself. I am quite guarded around women. For instance, even a friendly touch from Pari had me backing off in a knee jerk reaction. That is me. When I am with this woman who has insulted me, rejected me and put me down in so many ways, I am a different person. I willingly lose myself into her. She calms me down and fires me up with her touch.
I don't know what got me to my senses. She had me melting in her embrace, how can another person affect you so much? She kissed me, turned me around and buried herself in me, whispered I love you - all sweet moments. Unbelievabe! Damn confusing too. Was this a game for her? I couldn't believe her! That's when the lights came on and she jolted back.
All this was not for me?
I am a fool not to have realised it. She can't be two timing. Two nights back she had made me so uncomfortable, standing wet under the shower with Veer. Disbelief... disgust... anger... I couldn't even look Veer in the face. I stormed out.
I had strictly told myself she was to be kept out of my room and my head. How did it come to this? Well, most certainly I didn't go asking for it.
I had wanted to keep away, Veer wanted me to be her chauffeur and help with the cards too. There was another heated one sided conversation from her which I tried to ignore. I was going to drop her and mind my own business. She tripped, fell on me. It would have been a bad fall if I hadn't caught her. It shouldn't be so, but I loved having her in my arms. And because it shouldn't be so, we were both uncomfortable.
Slowly, I was beginning to understand my feelings. I knew there was something special between us. I also knew this was wrong. Veer is my best friend, after all.
Later that night, Pari came to celebrate her project and there was another arrow of disapproval shot at me. So long as I kept my distance..., I told myself.
When was the exact moment I knew I had fallen for her quite deep? This is a first time, mind you. No one has affected me like this.
So when I lie down with troubled thoughts and dream romantically about her... I know this is getting out of hand. I have to think of Veer now. I can't go on playing with my confused feelings. I pack my stuff, decide to leave, when I find her as in my dream. So fragile... So brave... So fiercely loyal... And whatever many things I don't know about her yet! Another spur of the moment decision and I retreat to my room. I can't run away like this. Maybe this will sort itself out?
Moments later, I was playing big brother to an emotionally and physically hurt Ansh and for the first time ever, she thanked me. And then she ran away!
That night, she got terribly upset over something so silly. And this time, the anger was not directly at me, though I know I had a role she would deny most probably. It was a dumb charades game. We were a team. She was not too happy about that.
She deciphered Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam. How apt that was to us! I could sense her uneasiness as she started acting out for me. Hamara... Dil... And then she exploded!
Veer took her out to pacify her. I had a glance at what had upset her so much. It was Hamara Dil Aapke Paas Hai. Again, true for me. I had to concede, though I was not going to act on it.
When she returned , there was one more round of gunfire, this time directed at Su bua. And I got to know what she felt and why she felt that way a little better. I have no idea how she unravels before me like a mystery. What am I supposed to do with it? Secretly, did I feel glad somewhere deep down that I was not the only one affected here!
That happiness was short lived before the night broke into dawn when I found her in that wretched moment with Veer, under the shower. No one should be put through so much of drama in one day!
In a few hours, Pari rung in holi for me and I was after her for revenge. Again, she was dragged in. Pari called her a shield. I managed to play along, without so much as a speck of powder on her. I knew my limits then.
Downstairs, there were colours everywhere, my heart was empty. I saw her waiting for Veer, dressed like an angel. It stung! Why me?! Still, the bhang saw me through.
Minutes later, she called me out over some silly thing and I lost it. She was standing with a plate, full of colours for Veer, shouting at me for someone else throwing colours her... The unfairness of it all got to me at last. I tossed that plate out of my sight. It went straight up and flooded us both in all glorious colours. I think she was more shocked than me... All she uttered was one meek apology to Veer. I didn't even know what to tell him!
This was all the prelude that brought us to this night. And now every touch of hers has seared through my flesh, I can't even see what is in front of me!
Who dare say there is nothing between us. Hamare beech kuchh nahi tha? All this has been happening in my head? She kissed me twice - agreed, by mistake. My presence troubles her as much as I get affected by her. She did not react quite violently to that silly dumb charades game? That was normal? Acknowledging your feelings and not acting on them is one thing. Denying their very existence and running away... How true should one be to one's self?
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