Samaina OS- FOR ME

                                                FOR ME

          Birds were chirping on trees and Sun was rising from the horizon colouring the sky from various shades. Morning was pleasant but was it really? 

Morning Pooja was going on  in  house and  one of the occupants that is me was not at all interested in that.

I was thinking about Sameer and the turn of events took place which brought storm in our lives.

"Naina Preeti  my sister called me and we left from there to go to college. Actually I was not at all interested to go but I wanted to see Sameer. Hope he will come and I can at least see him in the hope that he will spare me a glance hateful and angry will also do.

I wish I can go in the past and change the things that happened and it completely  gave a new dimension to my life.

Seriously I could've have told  Sameer the truth about paper stealing when I had chance but no I didn't. I was a coward just like my brother Arjun.

Was Sameer really wrong for placing that bet? I know he was wrong for doing that and playing with my emotions but I also did the same thing with him right? I also lied to him for almost 3 yrs. and never had any regret for it.

But Sameer accepted his mistakes for that bet and he repented ,tolerated all insults and slaps from my father for me so I can forgive him. What I did? When we got back together I could've told him and cleared his name but I didn't.

How can I say that I love him more than the world?  Some will say he changed because of my love but no he was always a pure soul no malice always helpful  and sensitive no matter what.

I still remember that day when I wanted to tell him truth but destiny had different plans for me. 

It was a Monday as usual me and Sameer were meeting in temple and I decided to tell him this truth. Infact when Arjun Bhaiya came back I remembered all those things and it made me realise that my brother is still same  coward,liar and blaming others for his mistakes. He was against Sameer but how can I make him understand that what Sameer means to me?

   He came  to temple with me despite saying no to warn Sameer  so he can stay away from me. He got in arguments with Sameer it was fine but then he started to man handle him and i couldn't take it any more. He was out of control and gave warning to me that he will tell about us to my father and he will make sure that we will never see or meet each other again.

I became so angry and I blurted that I also know his secret of paper stealing and I will reveal that to our father. There I said it  in fit of anger without realising that Sameer is still there and how will he react to it?

Shock,anger,betrayal,hurt was all written over his face and I couldn't meet his eyes.

Step by step he was moving backwards and I felt my life is slipping like sand from my hands in that moment.

He started to go from there and I couldn't take it any more. I just didn't care  that my brother was still there,for me only Sameer mattered and the truth which I hide from him. He has a right to know everything and that too from me.

"Sameer please listen to me. I can explain.

" Just tell me one thing that you knew this truth all this time way before our relationship started? Just Yes or No?he shouted.

I had a  feeling of deja vu of MT. Abu when I screamed exact words at him.

Trust me that moment i realised that how easy it is to lie and how difficult it is to accept your mistakes and work on it.

But what I did ? I hide this biggest truth from him and in a way our relationship was based on the biggest lie and that too from my side. How can I call myself a honest person? Which I am not.

What should I answer him? I kept my head down ,I couldn't even  meet his eyes.

And just like that he left from there leaving me ashamed of myself. 

I didn't even pay attention to my brother who witnessed this whole thing and he was saying something.

So much happened but no change in my brother he was still blaming Sameer. Finally I told him straight on his face that I love Sameer and there is nothing he can do about it.

When time will come I will admit this to our family but for that  I have to get back Sameer. Is it really possible for me? Can I do that? Will he come back to me?

     When me and Preeti reached college Sameer was nowhere. I thought  he must be in class with Munna Pandit but he was not there.

"Munna where is Sameer?  I asked our friend but for my dismay he just rounded on me. How can I forget this is Munna  I am talking to?  More than Vishakha Aunty he is Sameer's mom. Sameer never hides anything from Munna and Pandit. By looking at him I noticed anger on his face.

"How dare you ask about him? This is the last time I am telling you Naina stay away from him.

"Munna please listen to me.  Just give me one chance."

"Really Naina? 3 yrs. and now you wants us to believe that you wanted to tell him  about  those false accusations of paper stealing ?  You didn't believe him when he was telling truth and you didn't even give  him chance to explain himself.Have you any idea what happened when you accused him in school?  Your father slapped him in front of all.His mom left him and she never called him not even on his birthday to wish him. The same birthday  he invited and you came for the party. Not because of his insults but Nanu got insulted that's why he placed that bet in fit of anger. "

 Munna was just venting his anger at me and I  knew I deserve every bit of it for hiding this.

As usual Preeti Swati tried to defend me but one look from Munna and they both just kept quiet.

 Munna made  me realised how selfless love  he has for Sameer and same I can say about Sameer. He loved me wholeheartedly and selflessly unfortunately I can't say that about myself.  I love him a lot but I always gave preference to my family over Sameer. How conveniently I broke up with him in name of family but we got back together when my Chachaji approved our relationship. Was it his fault in failure of Shefali and Arjun Bhaiya s  love? No ,it was my brother at fault but still I punished Sameer without any of his fault and for my shortcomings.

"But you know he always felt bad for doing that  when he got to know that you are such a good person and you helped Nanu. He appreciated your friendship with Swati because you gave more importance to friendship. He was in love with you but he didn't realise it. It's us who realised that he was changing and whenever we mentioned about bet he used to get angry. He didn't wanted to play with your emotions. He wanted to tell you the truth but before that senior boys came there and you know the rest.

Now I understand the turmoil of Sameer was going through.

     I was just listening with head down and couldn't even say anything. I realised  that I was wrong about Sameer s feelings and  then he tried to apologise to me but I just snubbed him and taunted him every time.

He did everything so he can mend my broken heart and in that process he realised his love for me. He did this for the mistake which he didn't even commit in first place it was my brother and he paid the price for it.

Sometimes our elders are so right when they say you should always give a second chance to a person to explain his side and try to forgive. I didn't give Sameer that chance when he was telling truth and asking forgiveness . 

I was so angry at him to curse him that he has to live his whole life with the guilt for breaking my heart but now I will do whatever it takes to get him back and his forgiveness.If  my actions were justified then he is also right on his place.

Munna was just blasting me and I had no choice but listen to him.

"Naina please stay away from him and consider this as warning. I forgave you before for breaking him but now I can't see him in pain again and I will never spare you if you try to do something like jumping from building to get him back.Trust me I will be the first one to push you down if that will keep you away from Sameer.

   After that Munna Pandit left from there leaving me devastated and ashamed of myself.

After whole 3 days I saw Sameer in JBR's class. In those 3 days I tried to call him even went to his house but Munna spotted me and threw me out. I had no idea how Sameer was? 

3 days but it felt like 3 yrs have passed and finally I saw him. He came and sat with Munna. He was smiling but I knew it was fake because that didn't reach up to his eyes.

His face lacked that shine when he is happy. How can I even think that he will be ok after knowing this biggest truth or should I say my lie which changed everything for him as well as for me?

I tried to divert his attention by our usual  signal of two tap but he didn't even notice it he was busy talking to Munna. I can tell he was avoiding me. I tried for 2-3 times more but then JBR came.  Through out the class I was looking at him but he didn't spare me a glance. I wanted to talk to him so I waited in corridor for him , I saw him coming towards me I  looked at  him  with so much hope but he just passed me like I was not even there.

Tears sprung in my eyes and then I realised I also ignored him exactly like this when I got to know about bet.  Is he wrong in ignoring me like this? I knew the answer but still it hurts. Can't see him indifferent towards me. 

 Days started to pass but no response from Sameer, he didn't even look at me any more like he don't know any girl of name Naina and  she don't  even exist in this world.

Honestly I missed him ,I missed his love filled gazes,his teasing  everything about him.

I realised that how much I love him and I can't stay without him. I was so stupid  for breaking up with him for my family now he is ignoring me and I realised his value in my life. I can't handle his ignorance towards me how I could've lived without him?

3 weeks have passed and I was not able to get any response from Sameer he was not taking my calls and because of Munna I  was not able to see him.I was getting restless  and yearning to see Sameer.I really don't know how but my feet dragged me to our school. I felt Sameer's presence there. I came to that corridor where we first time collided with each other and  I fell in love with Sameer at first sight. I didn't knew anything about him but still I felt that soulful connection to him.

   There I saw him sitting on floor with his back resting on wall and he was looking at exact spot where we collided. First I thought I am dreaming he can't be there but no he was really there in front of me. I walked up to him. Tears started to roll down my cheeks after 3 weeks I was seeing him. He lost so much weight, his eyes looked hollow but he still looked handsome but sadness written on his face and that too because of me.

 He sensed my presence without looking at me he said this is the place where  it started right? Our soulful connection? You know Naina I am not able to take that out of  my head or heart can you help me with this?

"Sameer please listen to me. I am really sorry for lying to you. Believe me I wanted to tell you this in temple but Arjun Bhaiya came there and you got to know like this. Please believe me one last time.

    While getting up he said " did you gave me chance to explain when you found that key? I was trying to tell you I haven't done it but no you just believed the half truth which is more dangerous than whole truth. Naina you have no idea how it feels when whole world against you when you are innocent and you expect support from one person that is your mother but she also believes what world says.Believe me that's the worst felling any child can have. She abandoned me not even called me her son in MT.Abu.

When he was saying all this I felt more ashamed of myself. Can't even imagine what he went through. I don't have a mother but having a mother but still not having it's really a worst feeling for any kid.  At least I have Bela Chachi who supports me all the time in front of Taiji or anybody else.I just wanted to erase his pain that moment.

"I know Naina I was wrong for placing that bet but trust me i never wanted to hurt you. It was just my anger at you  and your father who always questioned my upbringing which clouded my sensibilities but then you helped my Nanu ,I saw your dedication to your friends and then I realised how wrong I was about you. You really are a pure soul but I think I was wrong whatever you did that was out of your guilt right? "

"No Sameer please don't say this. I really love you and whatever I did that only for that love.

"Exactly my point. I also did  all for my love when I realised  in hospital that I have fallen in love with you for  the person you are caring and loving but you always taunted me that I am doing this out of my guilt for breaking your heart,you even blamed me for Arjun's injury. Trust me Naina it was him who started the fight when he saw that sorry  card I made for you. I tried to hold him but he fell down and got hurt.

  I was feeling ashamed of myself for hurting Sameer without any of his fault. I  couldn't stand  properly fell on my knees  chanting sorry.

He came near me and sat with me.

"Naina look at me. When I looked at him I found that lost love in his eyes for me.  His eyes were brimming with tears.

" Naina don't say sorry. I am not angry at you I was just upset and sad that you didn't trusted me or my love that I will understand your stand for your family. I know your family comes first for you.

"No Sameer it's not like that. When I found that key with you I didn't know my brother stole the papers. I got to know this after so many days and before that you were trying to explain it to me all this time and I thought you are lying and I know I am wrong for hiding this from you. I could've  told you.

"Shh! You know first I was very angry at you thought I will never see your face again but then I thought what is more important?  All this time away from you I recalled each and every thing  about us which brought me to a very important question of my life.Your this lie or my love for you? You know I got my answer my love for you is way bigger and important for me and I  also wanted you to show that how it feels when someone is really sorry and asking for forgiveness but  not getting forgiveness from that person.  You want just one look from that person but that person is ignoring you like you don't even exist for them.I went through it  once and I wanted  you to feel same pain as me. That's why I was ignoring you  all these days. That was just my anger at you Naina.  It's just I wanted to give you same pain which I went through.

"Sameer I am really sorry.

"No Naina don't say this even I lied to you. You know when I was in Delhi I fell  prey to the influence of bad boys.I started smoking and did all things which I shouldn't have done. I am not defending myself here but Naina I was lonely, no one  to talk , I never shared any nice bond with my mom or siblings and on top of that Dadi made my life hell there, so I just wanted  freedom from that hell and I found that with those boys. I was falling into pit but you saved me by sending my guardian angels Munna and Pandit to me. You know Munna even slapped me for breaking your trust.

This was a revelation for me about Munna . I understood the love Munna has for both of us. He indeed was blessing not just for Sameer but for me also. I promised myself that I will never hurt  Sameer and Munna  again by any of my actions.

" Naina I am really sorry for that hope you will forgive me.

"Please Sameer don't say this infact I am sorry for not understanding you.

"Naina can we just forget about this . I don't want to think about it. We will both forgive each other for the mistakes we have done  in the past and we will start afresh but don't expect from me that I will forgive your brother. It's not possible for me because of him I suffered too much.

"Ok no problem there even I am finding it hard to forgive him after what he did to Shefali. First it was you and now  Shefali. He don't have a tiniest regret about it but still blaming you.

He made me stand by holding my shoulders ,he was standing so near me and i realised that how much I missed him. He started to walk but I held his hand and did the unexpected,I hugged him , my head was on his chest listening to his heartbeat,it was music to my ears. He was quite taken aback but then he wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on top of my head.

  " Sameer can I ask you something? I said without loosening my hold on him.

"Will you forgive me if I commit any mistakes in future ? He tried to move away from me but I held on to him he finally relented and said " what  about you will you forgive me? I nodded my head positively.

" Then it's same for me.No mistake is bigger than my love for you . I will never  allow any mistake to overpower my love. Don't think that I am doing this for you ,I am doing this for my Nanu because he trusted you and I am doing this FOR ME because I love you a lot and my love is more important than any mistake of yours. 

After listening his heartfelt words tears came in my eyes and I placed a small kiss on his heart. I heard his sharp intake of breath and he tightened his hold around me.

Finally I found my home in his arms and send  silent prayers to God for bringing Sameer in this world and to Ahmedabad  FOR ME.