I think your actions were disappointing and can no way condone slapping your parent or anyone.. especially someone vulnerable. At that time it was very important to remember the old her and not what she had become.. but in saying all that I dont think you had much support .. and being in your position without support would be a living hell.
I understand your frustration and bitterness when having to deal with someone close to you who is not the old them anymore. And I know the guilt you are feeling after being short tempered with them.
I believe you when you say she loved you and you love her, and that it was no lie. You became her sole carer and you were in a lot of grief and immense responsibility to treat her the best ..
I think its important for you to know that for your mother the only person in her whole world who could give her the love and respect was you, so she was in the right hands, and she was lucky she had you, because you loved and took care of her the best that you could.
I think you need to remember that the last thing your mum would have wished was for her to get ill and for you to be hurt, frustrated, sad, bitter, alone, worried .. and whatever else you may have felt. Your mother never wanted you to feel this ever .. never ever. So dont let your mind wander off and remember the times you were frustrated ... remember that your mother was happy and proud to have you as her daughter and that you served her well.
I think she loves you more than you love her and I think she was able to look past both of you guys acts of frustration and was grateful and proud to have you.
I think you have written here before.. and I'm sorry you are still upset. If you need someone to talk to or anything, I'd love to talk to you.
Take care and cut yourself some slack.. :)
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