Hi. Payal here. 😊
So Friday's episode left me in a complete mess. Agh! I just couldn't take the angst anymore! I have an exam two days later and being the perpetual last-minute girl I am, I badly need to hit the books right now. So I decided to take care of the angst and I know of no better way than to type it all out! 😛
Please excuse the typos and the grammatical errors. I haven't proofread.
3 hours.
It's been three hours since Chote slapped me. Verbally. I wish he'd actually hit me though. Hopefully that would've made me feel better about what I'd done today.
I don't understand why I feel this way. She didn't cause me any less pain. She'd insulted my Dad. My Dad. She knew what he means to me. She'd been right there, watching me break down at the news of his accident. Why would she do it then?
What happened today, it's supposed to be payback, right? Then why do I feel like I'm suffocating? Why can't I get the image of her devastated face out of my head? When she'd walked away today, looking at me like she- like she'd lost the last bit of faith in me, why did I feel like I'd just lost everything I had?
I'm sorry. For some reason, that's all I want to say to her right now.
3 days.
It's been three days since I'd won the case. I saw her today. I didn't mean to. I was out for my morning walk and my feet had somehow strayed towards the direction of PCT-where it used to be. I'd stopped the second I spotted her, her back facing me. Her thoughts were plaguing my sleeping and waking moments alike but seeing her in flesh? It tore my wounds open all over again.
A drop fell on my face. Two. Three. It was raining. I hated the rain. She loved it.
She slapped the door with her palm. I flinched. She did it again. And again. And again. I clenched my fists, nails digging into my palms. She was going to hurt herself. I had no clue when I'd started inching towards her. The rain was pelting down hard and fast then, blurring everything in sight. But I could see her clear as day. She lifted her palm yet again but instead of landing yet another blow, it fell slack against the door with a soft thud. Her shoulders started shaking ever so slightly. She was trying to hold in her sobs.
"How?" she whispered. I froze.
"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS, SHRAVAN?"
The scream tore through her, hitting me with the force of a thousand waves. She sunk to the ground, sobs erupting from her unrestrained. Seeing her like that- crumbling to pieces right before my very eyes- shredded my heart into smithereens. There was nothing more that I wanted to do than hold her, soothe her, fix her. She clutched at the fabric right above her heart as if it was the only thing holding her heart together. The heart I'd broken.
What have I done? A drop of water trickled down my cheek, too warm to belong to the rain. Guilt washed over me, one agonizing tidal wave after another, crippling me.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I wish I'd said that to her. I couldn't. I didn't know how to. I wish I could say I wasn't a coward. But I was. I had turned and fled back to the safety of my house, for once grateful for the rain.
3 months.
It's been three months since I've lost her. It still hurts to say it. People would say I'm doing just fine. Maybe I really am, for I haven't lost a case yet. Immersing myself in work is the only thing that helps me get through the day. Nights are a different story. It's like my life has been juxtaposed with the game Minecraft. Days are calm, serene, productive. Nights are agony where I'm all alone and exposed to the brunt of my demons, my mistakes.
I fish my phone out of my pocket and look at her smiling right at me. My insides clench in pain. I miss her.
Before I know it, I'm dialing her number. I'm clueless about what I'd say to her. I'm clueless if I'd even be able to form a coherent word. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I keep repeating in my head, hoping I'd say it right.
I'm holding my breath, counting each second passing by. Thirty-two seconds. No answer.
I try again. There's no mistaking the certain beep that reverberated throughout my being, dousing me in icy cold water. She's blocked me.
3 years.
Acid.
It felt like someone was pouring concentrated sulphuric acid right into my heart as I watched her laugh at something the waiter had said.
Sitting right across from me, five tables away in McDonalds', she was clutching at her sides, eyes clenched shut as she laughed breathlessly. It was the kind of laughter that came from her soul. My heart soared with the realization of just how much I'd missed seeing her laugh like that.
Never in my wildest dreams had I expected to run into her. Agreed, she was the only thing I'd been dreaming about every single night but seeing her here in broad daylight after all these years was doing things to my heart I couldn't catch up with. She had her hair up in a bun. My fingers itched to untie it, to watch her long hair cascade down her back, framing her beautiful face.
I watched her choke on her food and instinctively leapt in my seat only to have reality crash in on me, cruel and unforgiving, as the guy held a glass of water to her lips.
All I'd wanted was a Happy Meal.
I'd written her a dozen and a half letters, scribbling down all the things I couldn't say to her face. They'd only made it as far as the pit of my dustbin. But seeing her then after so many excruciating years, laughing with someone that wasn't me- it filled me with a kind of dread I'd never felt before.
I had no recollection of how and when I got to her table. All I was aware of was the shock that crossed her eyes as she jumped from her seat. We stood there, unmoving for what seemed like an eternity. Her eyes glazed over and judging by the burning in my eyes, I could say they mirrored hers. I reached over and undid her bun, tucking the soft strands behind her ear. I trailed my fingers along her cheek, afraid if I let go, she'd disappear into thin air. The guilt and regret I'd been living with each day magnified by a thousand folds and I was done masking it.
"I'm sorry." I wiped the tear that escaped her eye. "I'm sorry." I repeated.
She stepped back and I instantly missed the warmth of her skin. She started backing away, shaking her head in disbelief just like all those years ago. Only this time, I wasn't letting her go. I grabbed her hand.
"Shravan its been-" she stopped as if it hurt her to continue.
"It's been three years, fifteen days since I failed you." I continued for her.
And I told her everything I've been aching to tell her all this while. How its been three years since I've been walking up in cold sweat every morning, reaching for my phone, hoping to find a bunch of silly texts from her. You know, the ones she used to send for the lamest of reasons? She had grimaced in spite of her tears at that part. I told her how those few seconds of sleep-induced haze were the only moments of bliss I now had the luxury of relishing. Those handfuls of seconds when I could chalk up all that'd become of my life to a nightmare that'd never happened. How I wished I could take back every hurtful word I'd ever said to her.
And I hoped and prayed she could see in my eyes just how much I meant every freaking word. Maybe she did too for the next thing I knew she was sobbing right into my chest. I wasted no time in engulfing her slender frame in my arms, pressing my lips to the crown of her head. And I cried with her, holding onto her for dear life, my insides breaking and healing all at the same time.
In that moment, there was nothing that mattered. Nothing but her. There were no misunderstandings. No revenge. No separation. No heartbreak. No pain.
Just her. Sumo. In my arms.
"I still hate you" she mumbled against my chest, in between sobs.
I couldn't help the chuckle that escaped. Those words had never sounded sweeter.
3 days
It's been three days since the McDonalds incident. Three days since I've been having nightmare-free sleep. I wish I could say we're back to where we'd left off but we're not. She says she'll need more than an apology to forgive me and I know that's only fair. I'm working on it.
She's unblocked me. That's a start.
I'm so flabbergasted by the response I can't even! Adhgghghfhdf!🤪
Can I just hug you guys? :')
I never seen a forum quite like this. Such wonderful people. Such kind words.😳
Thank you SO very much!
I'll reply to every comment once I'm done with the exams.
Thank you again and happy watching EDKV! 😃
Other fics on ShraMan:
Blurred Lines (One Shot)
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