"You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."
- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
Viren couldn't sleep. He kept relaying the past events in his mind, thoughts of Jeevika surreptitiously winding in, bringing an unexpected smile to his face. He couldn't get her out of his head - he, the guy who'd never fallen in love before, who fought against it at every twist and turn, who didn't want it. No, he didn't want this. It was a distraction before, but it was a need now. If he had been attracted to her in the beginning, he'd been falling in love with her all the while without him even realizing it. It wasn't until she'd stood up to his aunt that he'd begun to comprehend the depth of his feelings, but now, he knew.
He was in love with the way she smiled and laughed, the gentle curve of her full lips and the happy radiance she emanated without even realizing it.
He was in love with her intelligence and strength; how she never backed down from what she felt was the right thing to do, held her own no matter the obstacles, questioned him, dared him...
He was in love with her pride, her self-respect - she didn't lower herself to meet anyone's standards, for petty grievances or for vanity.
He was in love with Jeevika Chaudhary. He didn't want her anymore, he needed her.
Jeevika walked through the university's grounds, her hands tucked into her jacket pockets. It was getting cooler, the skies were cast a sombre grey and she'd felt a few specks of rain, yet she hardly cared at the present moment. How was she to tell Mansi the truth? That Virat had indeed broken things off for good and all because of his brother...that there was perhaps no chance of getting him back...
She'd carefully kept out of Viren's distance as much as possible, out of the places he was most likely to come by, sitting as far apart from him as possible in class and avoiding eye contact. How could he have been so cold-hearted and presumptuous?
Thunder rolled through the skies and the rain started to truly fall in earnest. "Damn," she muttered under her breath, running towards a small bus shelter. Once sheltered from the deluge, she ran her fingers through her wet hair, leaning back against the glass wall. Most students had already left by now, she surmised, it was late evening on a Friday, scarcely anyone would be anywhere on the grounds at this time...
"Jeevika."
She jumped at the familiar serious tone. Viren entered the bus shelter, shaking the stray water droplets from his hair. "Hey," he said quietly.
"Hi," she looked away almost immediately. Viren leaned against the opposite wall, yet she could feel the sharp intensity of his gaze upon her, making her feel self-conscious.
"How are you?"
"I'm alright," she responded curtly.
He cleared his throat, but she certainly wasn't in the mood for a conversation at the moment.
Apparently, he was.
"Jeevika, there's something I need to say," he began and she lifted her eyes up cautiously, meeting his. Once she was looking at him, he continued with renewed confidence, stepping closer. "Jeevika, I've struggled with my feelings for some time now, I've tried to push them away, ignore them, but I can't. I need to tell you...I'm in love with you."
She gaped, unsure whether she'd heard correctly. Out of all the things she'd expected him to say...this hadn't even been fathomable in the realm of possibilities she'd conjured.
"It's like I just can't help myself," he said, almost ruefully, "I love you, even though I've been trying so hard not to...even though I'm only staying here for the rest of the year, even with our shaky beginning, your sister, your flaws...everything, I'm willing to put aside...and I want you to go out with me."
Jeevika gathered a deep breath. While she'd initially harboured doubts over whether or not Viren was speaking truthfully, as he spoke, she realized he was indeed being honest with her. He did believe he loved her and despite all her dislike, she felt some compassion for him...she didn't want him to get hurt because of her...then he spoke of Manvi and Jeevika's flaws as though they were a setback, a compromise he was self-righteously willing to make? He stated he was in love with her, yet also mentioned that he'd been struggling not to...it was also evident by his air of manner that he didn't expect a refusal...oh no, he probably expected her to be overwhelmed with happiness at the fact that he, Viren Vadhera, had chosen her. Jeevika had her dignity and her ire was increasing by the second, heightened by the recollection of what he'd done to sabotage her sister's relationship.
She spoke coolly in response, "I know I should probably show some appreciation for being found good enough to go on a date with, even if I don't feel the same way about you myself. But I can't. I've never asked for this or encouraged it, although I'm sorry if I unknowingly caused you pain. Like you said, if it was so difficult to overcome your doubts concerning me, then it shouldn't be too hard to let go of your feelings for me either, right?"
He didn't look away from her as his eyes registered first surprise then anger. Ah, yes. He'd never expected her to turn him down, she affirmed grimly. The man was regrettably far too accustomed to girls throwing themselves at him left, right and centre. There was a long pause before Viren finally spoke in a neutral tone, though his eyes blazed, "Wow. Well, I don't suppose you'd bother to tell me why you rejected me without even trying for politeness?"
"I don't suppose you'd bother to tell me why you asked me out while managing to insult me at the same time?" she retorted cuttingly, "I think I have my excuse right there. But you know it's not just that. Even if I actually liked you, do you really think I'd go out with the guy who ruined my sister's relationship?"
There was the sharp crackle of thunder as she met his gaze angrily. He didn't back down or flinch, but something in his eyes shifted.
"Obviously, I can't overlook this. If I had any doubts before over your indifference and cruelty, they're gone now. Can you tell me you didn't do this?" she took a step closer, waiting for his response, half-hoping she was wrong.
"Yes, I separated Virat from Manvi. I probably did him a better favour than myself," he said bitterly.
She flushed with increasing fury, "It's not even just this. I realized the kind of man you were when I heard what you did to Maya. Can you honestly say you were doing her a favour then?"
Viren looked ominous, taking the last step towards her until not much separated their angry countenances, "You've been hanging out a lot with her lately, haven't you?"
"Of course, I have. I'm not going to turn anyone away when they're suffering."
"Oh yeah, she's suffered quite a lot, hasn't she?" Viren's tone was laced with sarcasm.
"Because of you! You tore apart her relationship with Virat just because you didn't approve of her, you thought he could do better and in the end you made them both miserable!"
"So this is your opinion of me?" Viren said grimly, "Thank you for explaining yourself. Clearly, I'm the bad guy in this scenario. But maybe, my faults might have been overlooked if you weren't so blinded by your pride when I spoke of my feelings so honestly. Maybe you would've taken it as a compliment if I'd buttered you up a bit and told you I'd known I was in love with you since day one and nothing could convince me otherwise. But I'm not going to lie to you. And I'm not taking back what I said, I spoke with complete honesty and my feelings are real, Jeevika." His eyes never left hers, holding her gaze intently, even as his words brushed over her lips with every breath, he was standing so close. "Did you really think I was happy to fall in love with you when I knew it'd be a mistake? Your sister can't even behave herself in public, let alone in private and I'm supposed to be happy that she'd always take precedence over me in a relationship?"
Jeevika seethed, she'd never been so furious in her life, "If you think I would've reacted differently if you'd asked me out in more of a gentlemanly manner, you're wrong. If anything it spared me from feeling pity over possibly hurting your feelings."
He flinched at that, yet didn't break his gaze, his hands clenched at his sides.
And she continued without pause, "From the moment I met you at that party, your arrogance, conceit and selfishness have made it quite clear what kind of man you are and it didn't take me too long to realize that you'd be the last man in the world I could ever fall in love with!"
There was a heavy silence as the full impact of her words kicked in. She caught a glimpse of something behind the stony facade. Not simply anger, but anguish. She hadn't been fully aware of how close he was to her until now, it prickled over her in tiny pinpricks of sensation; she could discern the tiniest of raindrops on his lashes, the slightest indication of a shadowed jaw, the movement of his shoulders and chest as he breathed in and out deeply as though fighting for control over himself. Yet, when she paused in her inspection to truly determine what was hidden in his darkly intent eyes...it wasn't anger he was restraining himself from, even though he was quite incensed...it was desire, pure, stark and white-hot, blazing at her and it was an odd, yet extremely empowering and fascinating realization: he still wanted her. No matter what he said and did, he did indeed love her. She bit her lower lip without thinking and his gaze immediately darted down to her mouth, he moved a hair's breadth closer and for some reason, she hadn't backed away or pushed him...he wasn't even touching her though he was standing so close and her entire body was alive with physical awareness. There was so much frustration in his countenance, yet it took only a second for him to collect himself, take a deep breath and a step back and say quietly, "I understand. And I'm sorry." And then he walked away in the rain and Jeevika released a breath she hadn't even known she'd been holding.
She waited for the bus, her emotions and thoughts a jumbled stormy mess. She couldn't help herself; she cried, even though she didn't know why, wasn't even sure she wanted to know why...her entire world turned upside down by a man she hated, who inspired such strong emotions from her that she'd always kept locked away under the guise of a smiling face. By the time she got home, she headed to her room, citing a headache and huddled under the covers in an attempt to sort out her feelings.
A part of her was saying, of all the women Viren Vadhera might have had, he wanted you, and the feeling was indeed gratifying. Yet, she couldn't simply forget all that he had done and said. His pride and his indifference towards what he'd done to Mansi and Maya soon caused her misgivings over her treatment of him to ebb away and it wasn't long before she fell asleep.
Viren paced his room in an attempt to pull himself together, Jeevika's words ringing through his mind. You'd be the last man in the world I could ever fall in love with! No, he certainly hadn't expected such a response from her. In hindsight, he could admit he hadn't exactly been tactful. Manvi was still her sister after all and he had no right to insult her. And maybe he'd been too fast in revealing his feelings all at once, just like that. He hadn't meant to offend her, but simply demonstrate how much he cared for her - that he loved her enough to push aside everything else for her. It clearly hadn't come out the way he'd intended. And then once she'd so blatantly rejected him, he lost sight of reason and matched her word-for-word with her anger.
But then she had automatically assumed he'd been in the wrong. That he had destroyed the happiness of both her sister and Maya...of the first, he was now uncertain...of the second, he was convinced she'd been both lied to and manipulated. After all, that was what Maya did. It stung however, to be told that he was responsible for hurting others, when all he'd ever done in his life was to help and protect Virat. Although, a tiny voice in his head told him softly, maybe you believed the worst of Mansi. Maybe he had been wrong in that regard. But he had definitely been right in regards to Maya and Jeevika hadn't even bothered to question the truth. She thought he was the bad guy - arrogant, conceited and selfish.
And then he'd almost kissed her. Of all the times...when she was angry and spewing hateful words and making it perfectly clear that he repulsed her. Her anger had lent her a flushed, passionate countenance, her hair was tangled and glistening from the rain and it had been an incredibly arousing portrait of her, one that he'd never witnessed before in his life.
She'd bitten her lower lip in a completely innocent gesture and all he'd wanted to do was pull it free and run his thumb across it before capturing her mouth with his and taking all that passion for his own. Thankfully he'd restrained himself. Kissing her at that moment would have been a mistake of monumental proportions, considering her opinion of him was built on lies and skewed impressions. Although she'd also made it evident that the foundation had been solid.
It was necessary however, not that he thought about it, that she knew the truth. She needed to understand why he did what he did and for whom. Even if she still disliked him afterwards, he needed that one, her to know his intentions had been good and two, to make sure Maya did not manipulate her any further. She probably wouldn't want to talk to him at this point and he wasn't even sure he could explain the issues to her verbally, seeing as what a fiasco he'd made of his own feelings for her that day.
He sat down at his desk and pulled out a few sheets of paper. He could probably type out a letter or email her or something...but, it would probably come across better in a handwritten note. Yes, that was what he'd do. And then no matter what happened, his conscience and dignity would be free.
Jeevika scarcely paid any attention in class the next day. She'd still not said anything to Manvi, unwilling to burden her with the added news to her troubles, but had remained quiet and sombre. Even finding a seat as far away from Viren Vadhera as possible had not lessened her awareness and thoughts of him. Her fury had simmered to a soft flare, but she still had no desire to be anywhere near him.
At the end of the class, however, he had walked up to her, handing her a folded sheet of paper. She took it, without thinking and he said quietly, "Can you please read this?" before walking away. She held it in hand tightly, walking out through the other exit of the class and outside the building on the grounds, finding a secluded bench to sit and read it, her curiosity overcoming her ire. It was chilly and she zipped up her jacket, before unfolding the paper and beginning to read.
Jeevika,
I know you probably don't want to hear from me ever again, but I can assure you that this letter wasn't written in an attempt to convince you any further of my feelings for you. I just want to address two of the issues we spoke of yesterday and explain why I did what I did.
First, you said that I'd broken Virat and Manvi's relationship apart without care for either of them. I can honestly say that I didn't do it out of malice. In the beginning, when Virat first noticed Manvi, then became friends with her and flirted with her, I didn't think much of it, I thought that he was just having fun without any feelings involved and I sensed the same from Manvi. Later however, when it became clear that he was in love with her, I paid more attention and I saw that yes, he did have strong feelings for her, in fact, I'd never seen him this way with any other person in his life. But, I didn't see the same from Manvi. From an impartial view, it appeared as though she liked him, but didn't have quite the attachment Virat did; she flirted with him, but he wasn't the only guy she flirted with. And after hearing some comments made by others who knew Manvi - about how she never stuck with a guy for long and got bored after a short while into any relationship - I reacted the only way I knew I could. I told Virat of what I'd heard and what I'd noticed and I let him decide what to do about it. If I'm wrong about Manvi's feelings, then I'm really sorry and you have every reason to be angry with me, you are, after all, her sister, and know her better than anyone else in the world, but what I saw from her was what any objective observer would and I can't be blamed for my assumptions. I'm very protective of my brother as you've probably noticed and one of the biggest reasons why relates to the second "fault" that you accused me of.
Maya O'Donnell was our neighbour in Texas for a long while. Since childhood. She was closer in age to Virat than me, so I was never close with her. As we grew older, however, I noticed that she could be manipulative and cruel to get what she wanted. I never spoke of this to Virat, however, as he was friends with her. And at that point, I didn't think that she'd do anything to hurt him. Early this year, when I went on a trip out of the country, I didn't know, but Virat had begun a relationship with her. He didn't tell me - I think he knew I didn't like her very much and Maya, no doubt, encouraged him to keep quiet about it. Our grandfather decided to leave me his property in India in his will - he died on our trip there - and along with a great deal of money. When I returned to Texas, Virat had still said nothing to me about his relationship with Maya, but I'd noticed she was constantly with him everywhere and I tried to be polite and friendly as possible for his sake. A week after I'd got back, it was late, I was a little drunk and I found her in my room and she basically tried to seduce me. Virat walked in - thankfully, I was sober enough to hold her off - and she accused me of rape. He didn't believe her, partly because she was dressed scantily and partly because he'd seen me enter the room by myself and partly because whatever happened, he trusted me when I told him that I had done nothing. It wasn't long before I found out Virat had bought her expensive gifts at her request, given her money, etc. and we realized she had probably come on to me after realizing that I was the richer brother. She'd never cared for Virat and only acted in self-interest, destroying him in the process. I didn't want him to get hurt ever again.
I swear to you whatever I've said is completely true. I hope, even if you don't completely believe it to be untrue, you'll at least believe what I've said about Maya. I don't know what she's told you, but I don't blame you for believing her, as you knew none of this beforehand. You might question why I didn't tell you all this yesterday, but the truth was that I wasn't sure how I could tell you and I wasn't entirely in control of my own feelings. I know you're friends with Mackenzie Simmons - she knows what happened as she was with us at the time, visiting family - and you can ask her if you doubt what I've said. If your dislike of me is preventing you from believing what I've said, then maybe Mac's opinion will hold some value. I'm sorry for forcing my feelings on you yesterday as they clearly weren't wanted, but I'm not sorry for what I've done and I hope you understand why I did what I did.
Viren
comment:
p_commentcount