Part V.3
The next day, they left Ishan at his grand parent's place and went to
Dr.Tripriwala's therapy centre. While they waited for his arrival, Tara
looked at her husband with concern.
"Mrithunjay, how do you feel about this?" asked Tara, unsure
of whether Mrithunjay was comfortable with the prospect of discussing his
problems with a stranger.
"Tara, nothing is more important to me than my family. I will do
whatever it takes to ensure that I don't jeopardize their peace and
happiness."
Tara was relieved to hear him say this.
Dr.Tripriwala arrived after a few minutes. He was portly man of around
fifty years old.
"Good morning, Mr.Shekawat," he wished him genially.
"Good morning. You can call me Mrithunjay."
"OK, Mrithunjay. I understand that you have a problem controlling
your anger."
Mrithunjay silently nodded his head and looked down in shame.
"Don't worry, there is nothing to be ashamed of. We'll tackle your
problem together. Remember, anger is a completely normal and usually healthy
human emotion but it creates problems when it gets out of control and turns
destructive. It then affects your work, your personal relationships, and the
overall quYugty of your life."
"Nobody can understand that better than me," Mrithunjay said
wryly.
"Have you wondered why some people are angrier than others?"
Mr.Tipriwala asked both Mrithunjay and Tara.
They nodded their head together.
Pushing his specks up his nose, Dr.Tripriwala continued, "Some
people really seem more 'hot headed' than others; they get angry more easily
and more intensely than the average person does. There are also those who don't
show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and
grumpy. Angry people have different ways to display their anger. Not all of
them curse and throw things; some people withdraw socially, sulk, or get
physically ill. People who are easily angered generally have what some
psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration. This simply means that they
feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience,
or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly
infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust."
"You just described my husband in those last sentences,
Dr.Tripriwala," said Tara.
Dr.Tripriwala smiled. "What makes these people this way? There are
a number of things. One cause may be genetic or physiological. There is
evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and
that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be
socio-cultural. Anger is often regarded as negative. We are taught that it's
all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express
anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it
constructively. Research has also found that family background plays a role.
Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are
disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications.
Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be
angry at a specific person or event, or your anger could be caused by worrying
or brooding about your personal problems. What triggers your anger, Mrithunjay?"
"I cannot tolerate people being taken advantage of or exploited. I
lose my temper and turn violent."
"Do you feel that you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and
powerful emotion when you get into these fits of rage?"
Mrithunjay nodded his head.
"How long have you been having this problem of uncontrollable rage?
I am asking you this question since sometimes memories of traumatic or enraging
events can also trigger angry feelings."
Mrithunjay paused for a second and told him about his background and his
difficult teen years and how over the years his anger grew along with him.
"Mrithunjay, anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats. It
inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviour, which allow us to
fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger,
therefore, is necessary to our survival. I understand that your anger initially
started off as a self preservation mechanism. At the same time, we can't
physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us.
Laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take
us."
"I know that but am unable restrain myself when confronted with
instances of gross unfairness, prejudice and exploitation. I, then, turn
totally irrational and lash out at the perpetrator. I want to control and
manage my anger, but often fail to do so," Mrithunjay tried to explain his
inadequacies.
"I perfectly understand your state of mind, Mrithunjay. To resolve
your problem with anger, you need to first accept your inner rage and hate,
find their sources, express them in appropriate places, and watch them
dissipate as a result. This may be difficult, but it is the only lasting
solution. Spewing vitriolic anger and hatred can, temporarily, make you feel
calmer and less stressed . But that violent process of releasing anger is
really like using food, a drug or a drink as a temporary calming device. It
works, but not for long. There is a difference of opinion among various
therapists regarding whether anger should be avoided entirely or should some or
all of it be brought out. I believe it is important to feel the inner child
feelings of anger and hate so that they may be tackled.
There are three main approaches to tackle anger --- expressing,
suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive---mind
you, I said assertive and not aggressive---manner is the healthiest way to
express anger. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding. It means
being respectful of yourself and others. To do this, you have to learn how to
make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting
others.
The second way to tackle anger is to suppress it and then convert or
redirect it to more constructive behaviour. This happens when you hold in your
anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The danger in
this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your
anger can turn inward---on yourself. Anger turned inward can cause
hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression. Unexpressed anger can create
psychological problems too. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger,
such as passive-aggressive behaviour such as getting back at people indirectly
without telling them why rather than confronting them head-on or you may end up
being perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others
down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how
to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, such people aren't
likely to have many successful relationships.
The third approach to tackling anger it to calm down from within. This
means not just controlling your outward behaviour, but also controlling your
internal responses -- take steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down,
and let the feelings subside. When you don't use any of these three techniques,
you turn to aggression which is bound to not only hurt someone but will also
hurt you.
The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings
and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid
the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can
learn to control your reactions to them, can you not?"
Mrithunjay nodded his head understandingly.
"Allowing anger to erupt actually escalates anger and aggression
and does nothing to help you resolve the situation. It's best to find out what
it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those
triggers from tipping you over the edge. Simple relaxation tools, such as deep
breathing and relaxation, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books
and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the
techniques, you can call upon them in any situation."
He then made him sit on the clinical table. "Now, breathe deeply
from your diaphragm."
Seeing Mrithunjay breathe, he said "No, not like that. Breathing
from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your 'gut'.
Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as 'relax' or 'take it easy.'"
Mrithunjay did as he was told.
"Now, repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply. Use imagery and
visualise a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.
Non-strenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you
feel much calmer. Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them
automatically when you're in a tense situation."
Mrithunjay nodded his head.
Shaking his hand Dr.Tripriwala said, "I think we have had enough
for a day. I will see you next week. When I meet you next I want you to
tell me how much progress you have made during this week."
Mrithunjay nodded his head again and thanked him.
Over the next week, Mrithunjay faithfully practiced the breathing
exercises. Tara tested him by provoking him many a times, but he held
back his irritation by breathing deeply and employing the relaxing techniques.
During the next sitting, Dr.Tripriwala spoke to him about cognitive
restructuring.
Seeing Mrithunjay's confused expression, he said, "We psychologists
come up with big words for simple things. What it means in layman's language
is, changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in
highly colourful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry,
your thinking can get highly exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing
these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling
yourself, 'oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined, I need to
seek my vendatta' tell yourself, 'it's frustrating, and it's
understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and
getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow.' Be careful using words like
'never' or 'always' when talking about yourself or someone else. These words
are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is
justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and
humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.
Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything. It won't
improve things or make you feel better but may actually make you feel worse.
Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can
quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Try to have a
more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things such as fairness,
appreciation, agreement and willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants
these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but
angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their
disappointment turns to anger. In your case you want a perfect world and demand
it. As part of your cognitive restructuring, you need to become aware of this
demanding nature of yours and translate your expectations into desires. When
you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions
such as frustration, disappointment and hurt but not anger. Some angry people
use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt
will go away.
Your anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable
problems. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural
response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every
problem has a solution but the solution is not violence. There are several ways
to address the problem. If you feel that the society needs to be changed,
change it. Start a peaceful movement that will awaken the general public to the
ills of the society and help you find a more peaceful and lasting solution to
the problem. Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to
give it your best, but do not punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right
away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a
serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience
and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved
right away.
Angry people tend to jump to, and act on, conclusions, and some of those
conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated
discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first
thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what
you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is
saying and take your time before answering. It's natural to get defensive when
you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying
the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It
may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some
breathing space, but don't let your anger let a discussion spin out of control.
Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.
Sometimes humour can do the trick. It can help you get a more balanced
perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in
some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look
like. If you're at work and you think of a co-worker as a 'dirtbag' for
example, picture a large bag full of dirt sitting at your colleague's desk,
talking on the phone and going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into
your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual
thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury. Thus,
humour can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation.
Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking
or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT
have to suffer this way. When you feel that urge, picture yourself as a god or
goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding
alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you."
Mrithunjay laughed heartily, imagining the things Dr.Tripriwala
asked him to imagine.
Mr.Tripriwala continued, "The more detail you can get into your
imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realise that maybe you are being
unreasonable in trying to find quick fix solutions through violent means.
But be forewarned. There are two things you need to note about using
humour. First, don't try to just 'laugh off' your problems. Instead, use humour
to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh,
sarcastic humour. That's just another form of unhealthy anger expression. What
these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously.
Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if
examined, can make you laugh.
Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for
irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make
you feel angry at the 'trap' you seem to have fallen into and all the people
and things that form that trap. Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some
'personal time' scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly
stressful."
Mrithunjay nodded his head understandingly.
"Remember, you can't eliminate anger and it wouldn't be a good idea
if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause
you anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with
frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can't
change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you.
Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you even more
unhappy in the long run.
You can decide you wish to not have feelings of hate or rage under
identical circumstances in the future but this is more often easier said than
done. It may take you months or years to completely getting the blinding rage
out of your system. But having the wish/goal/intent to make such a change is
important in propelling you along your best path so it does get
accomplished."
"Believe me, Dr.Tripriwala. It is more than a wish to rid myself of
this blinding rage. It is now my life's mission. I cannot afford to lose the
two most important beings in my life to it. I assure you of my complete
co-operation and will be patient and persevering till I achieve this
goal."
"I am pleased to see such determination, Mrithunjay. We'll meet
next week and continue with this therapy."
It had taken nearly six months of therapy for Mrithunjay to completely
rid himself of his rage. Tara was like the pillar of rock right through the
therapy period.
Mrithunjay wanted to channelise his rightful indignation at society's
ills into something productive rather than something destructive. Tara
suggested that he start a non-government organization and mobilize support from
like-minded people. Mrithunjay thought this was a good idea and started an
organisation called "Friends of the Society". The organisation
elicited support of people from all walks of life. Professionals like doctors,
engineers, lawyers, accountants and others joined the organization. The
organization not only sought to redress the complaints of affected people
through the mechanism of public outcry but also helped these people through
financial and other means to cope with their problems. Tara donated a large
chunk of the wealth Govind had given her to the organization. Seeing the vast
improvement in Mrithunjay's behaviour and his sense of responsibility Govind
wanted him to join his Group of companies at the CEO but Mrithunjay declined
saying that he will join the Group as an ordinary salaried employee and work
his way up. Govind was pleased to see the sincerity and zeal of the young
man and all his reservations about him not being suitable for his daughter soon
dissipated.
Source for discussions on Anger Management:
Controlling Anger -- Before It Controls You :
http://www.apa.org/topics/controlanger.html
Epilogue in Page 11
Edited by Opti - 10 years ago
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