FF: LOVE TO LIVE (Kria's POV)

I had left St Louis. And doing that was one of the most difficult things I had done. But I had no choice. I'd always known, if I had to choose between my mom and dil, dosti, dance, it would be mom. After all, how could I leave the woman because of whom I exist today, how do I leave the woman who has never made me feel the necessity of a father..

"Kria!! Unpack your bag fast!! Sona aunty has called us for dinner!" I heard my mom shouting from downstairs. "Yes mom." I answered trying to bring some happiness in my gloomy voice. I lifted my bag and kept it on my bed. It was pretty heavy, but dance had given me enough strength. I opened it slowly. The very first thing I found inside my bag was a photograph. Of me with all my friends. A tear escaped my eye. I could see Rey in the photo, his arm around my shoulder, and I staring at him..the rest of the world oblivious to our love. A tear rolled down my eye. I remembered the moment when I'd hurt him, and it hurt me more, even though I knew it was for his own good. I pressed the photo close to my chest and sat on the bed. I missed all of my friends, especially Rey, who was more than a friend, though I'd refused to acknowledge that in the beginning. My heart was in a dilemma. On one hand, it was sad that Rey and I hadn't been together from day one; we would have had more time to spend with each other. But on the other hand it was good that we never confessed our love in a proper way, it would be easy for Rey to move on...

Just then the bell rang and I heard mom talking to someone. I looked at my bag which was to be unpacked and sighed. I kept the photo in my closet, and started removing my clothes one my one. Each and everything reminded me of him. Of dance. I remembered my white dress which complimented him, the way my red added to his black when we hugged... I couldn't do anyhting when each and every thing reminded me of him. I stared out of the window. It was a beautiful scene. there were dew drops on the blades of grass in my garden, and each dew drop reflected the sun's rays, reflecting back a thousand memories to me.. I stared at them, reliving them and hating myself for the pain I had given to the owners of those memories.

So engrossed I was in my own thoughts that I didn't realise a hand touch my shoulder. It was only after someone shook my shoulder that I realised there was someone in my room. I looked behind to see my best friend smile back at me. "Avni!! You?" I was shocked! "Yes! Me! Thank you for recognizing me!" And Avni pulled out her tongue. I almost laughed. Some habits never change. I gave her a hug and said, "Ofcourse I recognise you! I just didn't expect you to be here so soon! I thought you were out of town!"

"I was! But mumma told me you were coming for dinner today at our house and I took the next bus back home. I couldn't wait to meet you. After all, it's been such a long time! And you didn't bother to keep in touch!" She said all that in a rush. Then she stared at me smiling at her. "What?! What are you staring at? Do I look weird?" She brushed her long locks behind, and went to look in the mirror to check herself. I shook my head. "Avni," I said, "come here, you look as beautiful as ever! But how come you are looking in the mirror for such a long time? What happened to my tomboy Avni? There's definitely something cooking!!"

"Umm.. How did you know Kria? I mean.. Nothing, there's nothing" Avni said and blushed. "Come on, give me the name" I persuaded her. "Sameer.." she finally said. "Oh! I am so happy for you!! Both my childhood friends together! This is so wonderful! Wow!! I knew it would happen one day! Yay!" Avni smiled at my happiness. "So i am finally in love! I never believed I would be!" she said.
Love.. the word brought back sadness again. I could not hear it. The pain my love had given Rey hurt me to the core. I wished I hadn't existed, it would have saved him a lot of pain.

"Kria! Kria... is everything okay?" I heard Avni asking me. "Yeah.. Nothing." I tried hiding my pain from her, but she caught on. "Nothing? But then what's this?" she wiped a tear from my eye. I had no idea when it had come out of my eye. I looked away from her. I couldn't say anything. "Kria.." she said finally after a long time. "I know something is wrong. You never cry. I have never seen you cry. You're one of the strongest girls I know. Then what went wrong? Why are you crying? What is it that has pained you so much that you are crying? Come on, tell me!" I looked at her. There was concern written all over her face. I coudn't stop my tears. I had been holding them back through the entire journey from Mumbai to Dehradun. I didn't want my mom to know all that I had been going through. Finally, I could control no more. I started crying, and all Avni could do was console me quietly without knowing anything.

She called up Sameer, and by the time he was home, I'd wiped the tears, and was pretty much calm to greet him. "Sam! It's so good to see you! And I am so happy to hear about you and Avni!" I said to him trying to sound cheerful enough. But I guess he knew something was wrong. That's the problem with your chaddi-buddies: they know you too well I guess. He looked at me weirdly, and then gave me a hug. "Kria..It's great to see you. And me and Avni are together only because of you. I remember the day when you were bugging me and teasing me saying that I loved Avni. I refused to accept it. I convinced you that I didn't love Avni, but never convinced myself. And then I realized that you'd been right all along." Both Avni and Sam smiled at each other and then at me. I smiled back. Both of them sat besides me on the bed. "Out with it now Kria. We want to know what happened." said Avni softly. "Yes Kria, you're not the same person who said bye to me before going to Mumbai. What has changed you? Or for that matter WHO has changed you?" said Sameer.

I looked at my chaddi-buddies, and I blurted out everything. Everything I'd felt since day one. It was as if I was writing my feelings in a diary. I vented out all the anger I'd felt for Sharon before, the attraction that became love for Rey, the way I felt about Swayam, my bestest friend, the anger I'd felt for mum when she'd asked me to leave dance... and most importantly, the last conversation that took place between me and Rey. I would never be forgiven for the way I'd hurt him. His eyes filled with hurt came in front of me every single moment... I hated myself. "I hate myself!!!" I shouted out. Sam and Avni held me till my sobs died down and I had regained normalcy.

"Kria... You mad, mad girl.." was the first reaction I got from Sam. "Why do you always have to be so good?" Avni said to me. I shrugged. "Why did you say that to him?" Sam asked me quietly. "Because that was the right thing to do Sam. I knew that Rey would never stop loving me if I told him the real reason I had to leave Mumbai. If he comes to know I love him, he would come here, and that would worsen matters. It is better that he thinks I hate him. That I do not care for him. He would move on faster. I know him in and out. He will move on. It will take time, and he'll be alright." I said.

"You fool," said Sam, "I am sure he would be alright. What about you Kria? What about you?"
I didn't know what would happen to me. I would never be able to move on, I knew that. Rey's love was too strong for that. What about me then, what would happen to me?...