ArSha OS: Destiny

ArSha OS - Destiny

It felt weird being here again. One would think it felt good. Everyone was reminiscing. Telling each other how emotional they felt to be back here. For me, I don't even know how I felt. Yes, All of them were right. It did feel like coming back home. But.. There always was a but whenever she was concerned. And this was the last place where  I would want to be with her. This is where it all started. Yes, I owe all of my career to this place. But I hate this place with the same fervor as well. Coz this is where I met her. And till this date I haven't been able to figure out exactly what are we to each other. Yup.. Hate me if you want. Knowing very well that I am in a relationship, these are the thoughts roaming in my mind. That's why I said that I hate being back here.

My performance was over now. And I really didn't want to sit there and watch her dance. If I may say, Watching her dance on that stage was pure bliss. And it was so agonizing to watch her now, knowing very well that what all tiny presence we had in each other's lives had also been eradicated by her. She had left D3. And a part of me always said that it was the best decision she had ever taken in her life. Actually all of me wanted her to leave. It was physically agonizing, staying with her 24x7, pretending to be friends. Hell, I'd rather she left. And miraculously, She did. Don't get me wrong, It wasn't as if we weren't friends. It was just that the tension we always felt in each other's presence was nerve-wracking. And to be frank, very very unwanted. I'd rather take all the seven hells combined than go through that again. I was very happy to be rid of her. Or so I told myself till it actually felt like the truth.

I was moving around backstage. Not much had really changed here in two years. Still the same rehearsal halls. More variety of props I guess, What with the freakishly mad competition everyone had amongst themselves now. I reached the wretched place, and sighed. It was still the same. Well, What did I expect? That it would wilt and rumble down in our absence? This symbolized what our relationship with each other was. Like this room, we would never change, we would never break down before each other, we would never move on to give a name to what we felt.

I hated this room even more than I hated her. Wait, I didn't hate her. There was no reason to. We were what we were. And what we had for each other was not eternal love. So why hate her? She made my life easier by leaving, didn't she? It's just that I was so used to that buzzing intense tension and the secrets the whole time that it felt empty without them. It felt empty without her. But empty didn't always mean bad. Empty also meant at peace. I could give peace a shot. I could give a normal relationship a shot. Pretty much what I had been trying to do for the past year or so. I didn't need her. It's just that I had gotten used to her. So I was just experiencing withdrawal symptoms. That is it. Nothing more than that. Or so I told myself till it actually felt like the truth.

I was in a pretty healthy relationship. I had even made sure I took it to the next step. I had even introduced her to the family. Celebrated a few festivals as well. I thought I was doing well. I thought I was building myself a better future. A future that I would never even dream of with Shakti. If one would ask me why, Why can't I see a future with Shakti? I wouldn't be able to answer them. There were some questions we never had the answer for. And I was happy this question was one of them. The day I found the answer to this question, that would be the day I would leave every single thing I have made into a life, and run after her with all my might. But then, even doing that would be pointless. It was not like she would be waiting for me.

As hard as I tried, old memories flooded me as soon as I entered that wretched room, OUR Rehearsal hall...

"Kunwar, Meet Shakti... She's one of my students and has made me proud on numerous occasions" Terence Sir had introduced her with such pride in his eyes. I had almost burned in jealousy. But as soon as I laid eyes on her, I knew the reason for Sir's adulation. She literally beamed with energy. Hmm.. Her parents had named her right. But even in that stone cold look of determination, she looked angelic. Yes, that was the time I had fallen for her. But then, falling for someone on first sight isn't love. Falling for them in the millionth sight as well, that is.

Khuda jaane was something people still consider to be a milestone of a performance. But for me, It was a chance to dance with the most graceful dancer I had ever met. It was a humongous task matching up to her in that style, but I gave it everything I had. More because I wanted to impress her. I wanted her to acknowledge me as a dancer. And well she did. We bonded. And that was everything I could ask for. But then I heard somewhere she was seeing somebody. And then and there my hopes came tumbling down. No point in wasting time, that's what I had told myself.

I wish I listened to myself more. Bheegi Bheegi was another duet we were gonna perform together. And it was a romantic dance, with anguish playing the major role. Emotions were now not a problem for me as they were at the time of Khuda Jaane. They flowed out as soon as she was in my vicinity.

The dreaded night... When only the two of us were left in the rehearsal hall. There was this step we couldn't perfect. We were not in sync, and Terence Sir made sure we practiced till our last breath to get it right. I wondered whether despite being a girl she never ever once said no to late-nighters with me. Wouldn't her BF mind? Or did she consider me non-existent? But then, if she considered me nothing, why was chemistry not a problem between us anymore? We were not that great friends that it would come naturally. Hell, She rarely opened up for god's sake. Then why? We had this step, in our dance, where she finally melts into me and hugs me. I wanted to kiss her then and there. How I wish I had never let go my emotions. I had kissed her, but her reaction had left me stupefied. She had kissed me back. And I had felt like the heights of heaven were beneath me. Our lips played with each other and our tongues entwined each other. None of us thought about right or wrong at that time. We had given in to our basic desires in that moment. My hands tracing her back and nape and my lips exploring her neck, while she held on to my ruffled hair, whispering sweet sighs. But within minutes, we had regained consciousness.

And the first words out of her mouth were, "Sorry, Am seeing someone"

As if I didn't know that.

"Sorry, It was wrong." I had said that time awkwardly.

And the next moment itself we were making out fervently again. And repeated the same sentences within 5 minutes too.

Neither of us ever mentioned that night again. Or more appropriately, didn't want to mention.

"Kunwar... KUNWAR!! Why the hell are you so dazed and confused lately? I swear to god I won't take the leap of faith with you daydreaming!" She had screamed at me.

It was Paso Doble we were practicing for. And I had just learnt from someone that she had gone through a breakup. Word travelled quickly here. Considering you had a BF amongst the competitors, there were no stops to the gossiping. But here she was, being true to her name and yelling at ME!!

Yes, she was single. But I didn't feel like making her mine.

And somehow, I knew she didn't want to be mine.

I sighed. And turned around to leave. That's when I saw her standing at the entry door.

"What are you doing here?" She asked, walking towards me.

"Same thing that you are doing." I smiled.

"My performance ended, You didn't see." She said, emotionless. Still moving towards me, closing the gap in between us.

"Sorry."

And we kissed again. SIlently. Softly at first. Till passion rose, overcoming all other senses. Overcoming right and wrong. I felt my hands roaming and exploring her back again. And felt her breath quicken as I did so. I nipped on to her jaw, making my way to her ear. And lightly bit her ear, now hearing much audible moans from her mouth.

Within minutes we moved away, regaining consciousness again.

"Sorry... You know.." I said.

"..you are seeing someone", She finished, " I know... Sorry, It was wrong."

we looked at each other apologetically, knowing very well that we didn't want to take this further.

As I said, we never were ready to put a name to whatever we had. Hell, I don't think we even had something.

"Let's go." She said.

"You go on ahead. I'll join everyone in a while."

I didn't want to be in her presence right now. Her presence felt like poison.

As it is I had lapsed once. I couldn't afford another lapse.

I waited till she was out of sight. And sighed a sigh of relief.

I saw a poster on the wall on my way out. A girl in a dancing position, and in bold letters DESTINY was written at the bottom. I laughed.

Ironic, wasn't it. They always said that Destiny brought us back together again... Little did they know, that every time it did... We already belonged to someone else...