-----
From: Raizada, Anjali
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Subject: I heard some things
We need to talk
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Khushi
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Subject: I see...
Some interesting art on your computer there.
Is that a whip? And are those garters!?
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Singh Raizada, Khushi
Subject: Do Not Disturb
After the email I just received from Di, I need to unwind.
Which is entirely your fault, btw.
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Khushi
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Subject: You're delusional
How exactly is it my fault?
P.S. You didn't answer my question.
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Singh Raizada, Khushi
Subject: Are you...
Kidding me!? You told everyone that my...my...Chotey is broken!
I bet Di heard about it and wants to talk.
Oh god! What if she wants to give me the Birds and Bees talk?
P.S. Why? Interested in trying it out?
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Khushi
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Subject: It's okay
Size isn't everything anyway. I am so proud to see you accept your flaws.
How would Di know, anyway? And even if she does, who cares. Maybe the talk will do you some good. You do have a broken penis afterall...
What are you reading? And why are you grinning like that?
P.S. You wish. I'm more of a blindfold and handcuffs kind of a woman.
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Singh Raizada, Khushi
Subject: Haha
Not!
It is...indisposed at the moment or I'd make you eat your words. And I don't know... She has her ways.
Di always knows, Khushi.
She always knows.
I am reading a Dramione fanfiction. It's funny.
P.S. See now normally, I'd be excited. Turned on, even. But since it's you saying it, I get the distinct feeling you mean blindfold me, handcuff me to the bed so that you can watch back-to-back episodes of Jersey Shore while you eat jalebis in the bed without me being able to stop you.
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Khushi
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Subject: What now?
Dramione? Is this one of those sex terms I don't know?
Are my words the only thing I'd be eating? ;)
P.S. You know me so well. I love you.
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Singh Raizada, Khushi
Subject: SMH
It's Dramione. Draco + Hermione? The best ship to ever ship...ever?
You're getting disturbingly good at dirty talk...Do I have Red to thank for that?
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Khushi
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Subject: WHAT!?
Draco + Hermione?
Draco + Hermione?
DRACO + HERMIONE!?
P.S. I take back that thing I said before, about loving you. You sicken me.
P.P.S. We'll come back to the dirty talk thing.
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Khushi
To: Raizada (ALL)
Cc: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Subject: 911
Arnav ships Dramione! DRAMIONE!
Someone tell that man how delusional he is! If I so much as look at him, I might not be able to curb the urge to break his Chotey again.
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Red
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Cc: Raizada (ALL)
Subject: You ship Dramione?
Sweet!
Your earlier faux pas is totally forgiven! Have you read tDB? The Request? What about Aurelian!?
I think some fangirling is in order. When can you pencil me in?
P.S. Does the term fangirl still apply considering the fact that you're a guy? A relatively emasculated one thanks to Bhabz, but a guy nonetheless? Actually, never mind. I've seen you giggling at pictures of cats wearing ribbons on the internet. You're totally a girl.
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Dhruv
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Cc: Raizada (ALL)
Subject: Hilarious!
Bhabhi calls your penis...Chotey? Is that also to add a certain gravitas?
PS: Did you know Red writes Dramione fanfiction, Bhabhi? I know. Blasphemous!
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Red
To: Singh Raizada, Dhruv
Subject: Should I tell them about that time
You wrote a Hermione-Sorting Hat fanfic on ff.net?
With only your well-being at heart,
Red
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Dhruv
To: Singh Raizada, Red
Subject: Best not.
THAT WAS A JOKE AND YOU KNOW IT.
I TOLD YOU THAT IN CONFIDENCE.
I MADE YOU A SANDWICH.
HOW COULD YOU BETRAY ME THIS WAY, RED? HOW?
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Red
To: Singh Raizada, Dhruv
Subject: Nutella
Five jars. Pronto.
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Dhruv
To: Singh Raizada, Red
Subject: Nutella
One carton in the last shelf of your cupboard.
For your silence.
-----
From: Jha, Shyam
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Cc: Raizada (ALL)
Subject: I f**king hate you.
Saale Sahab. We meet again.
Yes, that was a Sorcerer's Stone reference. From the email you sent last night, I gathered you have finally read the books and hope that you will get it.
Only eighteen years late Saale Sahab, no big deal.
Anyway, I am not writing to address the fact that you are a sixty-seven years old soul living in a twenty-five years old man's body. Not that I need to prove it anyway. I mean, you watch horse races and do gardening for pleasure for f**k's sake. Do you tell Khushi war stories at midnight? Did you bring the Scotch out when she said she was going to get a tumblr?
I'm getting sidetracked. Back to the email. I was profoundly happy to read about your broken penis. In fact, I was so happy that I marked yesterday with five stars with hearts all around them on my stereotypical prison-wall-calendar instead of the usual linear nail scratch. The pain was totally worth it. Kindly inform Khushiji that should she ever find herself in need of a more sturdy... "chote" then I am more than open to the proposition of a conjugal visit.
However, all my joy evaporated to give way to utter shock and then pity when I read further and learned that you are a Dramione shipper.
Dear, dear Arnav.
I understand that the blow to your head (pun intended) has affected the functioning of your brain, but it cannot be so dysfunctional that it makes you imagine Draco as some redeemed hero and Hermione, his saviour angel. That's the kind of crap they use to find twelve-year-olds on Tumblr mate.
Hermioneji, that brave, bright and beautiful flower like my own Khushiji, belongs to Harryji, who is me. Harmione is the ship that sailed, the airplane that flew and landed, the Seth Rogen-James Franco movie that released.
And it's not like Rowlingji opposes it. She said it herself, Hermioneji's marriage with that idiot Ron wouldn't have lasted! And how can you ignore EVERYTHING that happened in the books which alludes to Hermioneji secretly loving Harryji? Did Draco take care of Hermioneji when Ron left her during the Horcrux hunt? Did Hermioneji create a wreath for Ron's dead parents on Christmas? Did Professor Slughorn kiss Ginny in front of the entire Gryffindor house while secretly imagining it was Hermione he was kissing?
F**k you, Harryji did.
Shipping Harmione 5ever,
Shyam ManoHarmione Jha.
-----
From: Raizada, Anjali
To: Jha, Shyam
Subject: It has been eighteen years
STFU AND STOP TRYING TO MAKE HARMIONE HAPPEN.
Enjoying the beauty of my perfectly manicured nails while sipping on delish martinis.
Your filthy rich ex-wife.
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Jha, Shyam
Cc: Raizada (ALL)
Subject: How the f**k
Did you know about that?
1. Don't ever call me dear, or I swear I will find a way to murder you in prison.
2. Harmione? And I thought you were delusional when you thought Khushi loved you!
3. No, we don't talk about war stories. We talk about handcuffs and blindfolds, among other things.
4. Did I say you were delusional?
5. You're blocked
6. Actually, I haven't read the books. I just happened to see the Prisoner of Azkaban film on TV while I was in hospital and because of that OBVIOUSLY SEXUALLY CHARGED PUNCH IN THE FACE, I looked up the two characters involved, assuming that they were obviously the main couple of the trilogy.
7. If you ever so much as mention the idea of your basilisk Slytherin into my wife's Chamber of Secrets ever again, I will personally come down there and reorder your phoenix.
- Your filthy rich ex-wife's filthy richer brother, who also gets lucky with Khushi-ji on a regular basis
-----
From: Jha, Shyam
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Cc: Raizada (ALL)
Subject: You forget
That I am in the Raizada (ALL) email list.
Just another thing to add to my list of 'Reasons Arnav Singh Raizada is an idiot and will never get any'.
----
From: [email protected]
To: Pyasa Shyam
Cc: Raizada (ALL)
Subject: Mail Delivery System Failure
Sorry, we were unable to deliver your message to the following address.
Raizada (All) has blocked your account.
Reason given by user for blocking:
Nobody likes you.
Much hate,
Khushi.
P.S. Dhruvji showed me how to block you.
P.P.S. HARMIONE?
P.P.P.S. REALLY?
P.P.P.P.S. That's even worse than DRAmione.
P.P.P.P.P.S. You suck.
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Khushi
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
CC: Raizada (ALL)
Subject: Oh. My. God.
Because really, I don't even dare take this to Devi Maiyya. She would be sickened.
1. I love it when you threaten to use your power and influence for revenge. Very Deatheater of you.
2. I'm glad that you at least understand this. I mean, Hermione Bhaiya-Zoned Harry almost immediately. NOT because she was attracted to the albino bumhole Malfoy, but because how could she possibly even consider Harry when faced with the constant companion of someone as funny, charming and all round delightful as Ron?
3. We also discuss Jersey Shore and jalebis.
4. You're also delusional.
5. I already blocked him, so please don't be stupid and unblock him by accident by trying to block him again.
6. Omg. O.M.G. Omgomgomg. I want a divorce. I want. A divorce. A TRILOGY. You called it. A f**king. Trilogy.
------
From: Mama, Masala
To: Raizada (ALL)
Subject: #relevant
Mahendra Jijaji's snitchsneeker username is snilyalways.
Ticking Revenge for the night Jijaji made me sleep next to Laxmi' off my bucket list,
One happy Masala Mama.
-----
From: Raizada, Aakash
To: Raizada, Mahendra
Subject: asfrkq;lij1amf
YOU ARE NO FATHER OF MINE.
-----
From: Raizada, Manorama
To: Raizada, Mahendra
Subject: Hello, hi,
Bye.
Bye.
-----
From: Raizada, Mahendra
To: Raizada (ALL)
Subject: But...But...
"Always."
How can you forget that!? How?
-----
From: Raizada, Devyani
To: Raizada, Mahendra
Cc: Raizada (ALL)
Subject: As the head of the house...I speak for all of us, when I say
STFU!
#JilyForever
-----
From: Raizada, Anjali
To: Mathur, Aman
Subject: Hey
Hey. Aman. Hey.
Who do you ship? I feel like you're a Dramione guy.
Ooh. And I reckon you're a Gibini guy.
-----
From: Mathur, Aman
To: Raizada, Anjali
Subject: Re:Hey
What are these words? Who is Dramione? What is Gibini? Have Dolce & Gabbana decided to change their name?
Also, why are you e-mailing me from two seats away?
-----
From: Raizada, Anjali
To: Mathur, Aman
Subject: Emailing You From Two Seats Away
Because there is Wi-Fi on this flight.
We are in a plane. Like, several thousand feet in the sky.
And I'm getting a Wi-Fi signal.
How crazy is that?
Also no. Obviously Draco and Hermione.
Ginny and Zabini.
-----
From: Mathur, Aman
To: Raizada, Anjali
Subject: Wi-Fi In The Sky
You do realise that the signal is from space, so technically this is a BETTER place to get WiFi.
Who is Zabini?
-----
From: Raizada, Anjali
To: Mathur, Aman
Subject: Shut Up
Nobody cares what you have to say.
Zabini. Malfoy's handsome friend with the Black Widow mother.
P.S. Why are you in the Raizada (ALL) mailing list anyway?
-----
From: Mathur, Aman
To: Raizada, Anjali
Subject: The Raizada (ALL) Mailing List
I wish I knew.
Laxmi is in it too.
What. I swear he appears for maybe three lines in the entire series. How have you managed to pair him up with the main character's wife?!
-----
From: Raizada, Anjali
To: Mathur, Aman
Subject: ...
Who made an email account for the goat?
Also, errr clearly he's important because why else would JK Rowling go to the effort of making sure we all knew how attractive he was? And Pansy totally tells him that she knows he finds Ginny attractive. A writer doesn't have to write anything. She obviously mentioned Zabini and Ginny because if he wasn't a Slytherin and she wasn't a blood-traitor, they would totally be doing the horizontal mango.
-----
From: Mathur, Aman
To: Raizada, Anjali
Subject: Your imagination
Astounds me.
Pray tell, Ms Raizada. What exactly is the horizontal mango?
-----
From: Raizada, Anjali
To: Mathur, Aman
Subject: The Horizontal Mango
Wouldn't you like to know.
-----
From: Raizada, Anjali
To: Raizada (ALL)
Subject: Were You All Aware
There's an email account for the goat?
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Red
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
CC: Raizada (ALL)
Subject: Dramione
We have so much to discuss.
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Singh Raizada, Red
CC: Raizada (ALL)
Subject: Dramione
OMG I KNOW. Like what's your stand on the opinion that the page on the basilisk in Hermione's hand in the Chamber of Secrets is the same page they show Draco tearing out of a book in Flourish & Blotts earlier in the film?
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Red
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
CC: Raizada (ALL)
Subject: THE BASILISK PAGE
OF COURSE THAT'S WHAT IT WAS.
Hermione would never tear a page out of a library book! Why would she? She could totally just check the book out. No. Draco totally knew what was going to happen and after throwing Crabbe and Goyle off the scent by telling them he hoped she would be next, he went to great pains betraying what he knows his father would want him to do by giving her exactly what she needed to make sure she wasn't next.
Also, he probably wrote pipes himself. I totally imagine Harry and Ron are too stupid to realise it wasn't Hermione's handwriting. There's no way Draco wasn't going to give her all the help she needed to stay safe.
-----
From: NK Photography
To: Raizada (ALL)
Subject: STOP SENDING SO MANY EMAILS
I have the hangover from hell and the constant buzzing is making me want to kill myself.
The massacring of several national anthems I could tolerate. An in-depth analysis of why two characters who showed absolutely no interest in each other for the entire duration of 7 books were in fact banging each other behind the scenes... now that's just too far.
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Raizada (ALL)
Subject: Wait
SEVEN?! There are SEVEN books?
Omg. I just ordered three. Chamber of Secrets. Prisoner of Azkaban. Order of the Phoenix.
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Khushi
To: Raizada (ALL)
Subject: You COMPLETE MORON
How did you NOT REALISE you were only ordering books 2, 3 and 5?
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Raizada (ALL)
Subject: Book Ordering Faux Pas
I thought the others were just the American titles for the same books.
-----
From: Raizada, Devyani
To: Cougar Hut
Cc: Raizada (ALL)
Subject: Excitement!
Attachments: umbridgespussy.jpg
To whom it may concern,
I have agreed to your Terms & Conditions in your application form and have sent you this email specifying my exact type. I'm aware that you cater to a range of preferences and so I wanted to ensure that you were able to meet my more... specific requirements.
I can assure you wholeheartedly that since my rearing of a goat for the past n years, I am more than capable of taming another wild beast, so to speak.
Please find attached the image that seeks to provide the visual for what I want from your well-reputed establishment.
Many thanks,
Devyani Raizada.
-----
From: Raizada, Devyani
To: Raizada (ALL)
Subject: Re: Excitement!
Oops! Looks like the cat's out of the bag! (get it?!?!)
I do apologise for the accidental CC! I'm not sure how I managed to do that!
However, I do hope you guys are as excited as I am! This is so wonderful, I just can't wait!
Love,
Devyani!
-----
From: Raizada, Anjali
To: Raizada, Devyani
Cc: Raizada (All)
Subject: Re: Excitement!
Erm... Nani..
I couldn't help but notice the...strange attachment in your last email.. And what exactly do you mean by "taming a wild beast"?
Kindly,
Your very worried granddaughter,
Anjali.
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Red
To: Raizada, Devyani
Subject: Dayum!
I must say Naniji, I am not one to be easily surprised but...you've managed to shock me.
Good on you for being so progressive, but...Umbridge? Really?
Struggling between admiration and disgust,
Your very traumatized Grand-daughter-in-law
----
From: Singh Raizada, Dhruv
To: Singh Raizada, Red
Subject: Don't You EVEN.
Can we take a pact, here and now please, that if I should die and you be left bereft of my charming company, you will never.. and I repeat, never resort to what Nani has just done.
I mean.. Umbridge?
THESE ARE THE KINDS OF THINGS THAT MESS YOU UP. PERMANENTLY.
She could have had some standards and gone for at least someone more.. human.
Please stay the way you are.
Love,
Your brilliantly fantastic husband.
P.S: Do you happen to have any bleach on you? Because that's the only way I'm going to get rid of certain... visuals.
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Red
To: Singh Raizada, Dhruv
Subject: Re: Don't You EVEN.
You know, after that disturbing e-mail from Nani, I can totally see where you went wrong.
This is a madhouse.
P.S. We did. Ladies first.
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Raizada, Devyani
Subject: What the...f**k!
You've done it Nani. You've finally made me complete my sentence. Only mindf**kery such as this could achieve that!
What is wrong with you?
- One very permanently scarred Grandson
-----
From: Raizada, Devyani
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Cc: Raizada (All)
Subject: What is wrong with you?
Mind your tongue!
- A very pissed off grandmother
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Raizada, Devyani
Cc: Raizada (All)
Subject: Are you f**king kidding me!?
You're warning me about my language in the same chain of emails where you ordered an escort!?
-----
From: Raizada, Devyani
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Cc: Raizada (All)
Subject: Are you kidding me?
What escort?
-----
From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Raizada, Devyani
Cc: Raizada (All)
Subject: Don't you dare...
Play stupid! You even attached that...that thing.
I can't even open it for the fear of being even more traumatized!
-----
From: Raizada, Devyani
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Cc: Raizada (All)
Subject: Maybe you should
Open that attachment
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From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Raizada, Devyani
Cc: Raizada (ALL)
Subject: ...
Oh. Oh.
-----
From: Raizada, Devyani
To: Raizada (ALL)
Subject: It has come to my attention...
... that a lot of you may have misinterpreted my initial email, although I really don't see how.
You are all blithering idiots and I'm ashamed to be related to any of you.
I'm getting myself a CAT.
NOT A YOUNGER FEMALE SEXUAL PARTNER WHOSE NETHER REGIONS RESEMBLE THOSE OF DOLORES UMBRIDGE.
For heaven's sake, all of you.
Avoid speaking to me for the remainder of the day. This includes any further e-mail discussion of couples who may or may not have been destined to be together in the Harry Potter series of novels.
Everybody knows the only couple who really matter and were truly and cruelly separated by fate... were Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood.
Sincerely yours,
Nani
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