Posted:
wow this is one of the best ffs I have ever read. Your humor is out of this world!
Please pm me when you update.
Hola there guys :) I'm glad the last instalment amused you all so much. Thank you so much for all the lovely comments.
I hope this one makes you smile as well. This chapter was brought to you courtesy of the song Ishaqzaade- the e-mails have nothing to do with the meaning of the song, it just made me feel like writing. 😆
Enjoy. 😊 All feedback is greatly appreciated.
You've Got Mail- Part Eight
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From: Raizada, Dhruv
To: Singh Raizada, Khushi
Subject: Plan
I'm guessing from your name change that last night went better than expected...
Ew.
Moving swiftly on, I need your help in something. I originally asked Nanav but he has been useless, as per. Will you help me?
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From: Singh Raizada, Khushi
To: Raizada, Dhruv
Subject: Re: Plan
Erm, yeah. We can go with that.
Yes! Wait... Arnavji said to stop agreeing to help people with their problems without waiting to find out what it is they want. And then to actually say no if I don't really want to do what it is they want me to.
He mentioned something about a sacrificing goat... or maybe it was a landscaping sheep? I didn't really understand.
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From: Raizada, Dhruv
To: Singh Raizada, Khushi
Subject: Sacrificing Goat?
Bhabz, I'm pretty sure you mean a sacrificial lamb and a scapegoat. I got the basic gist of what went down a year ago at Shantivan and you certainly qualify as both.
Anyways, basically I think Kantaben is letting random men into the house when I'm not around. Now I'm all for old ladies getting some- and I don't really care whether she's getting it from the Butcher, the Baker or the Candlestick Maker- but I noticed this morning that a lot of things have gone missing from around the house and I'm a little concerned.
Now I'm not saying Kantaben is responsible because she's been working for me for years and I don't see why she'd start stealing from me now. But I have to go to work and today's the day the groceries all get delivered throughout the day- would you do me a huge favour and keep an eye on all the people to make sure nobody wanders anywhere they shouldn't be?
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From: Singh Raizada, Khushi
To: Raizada, Dhruv
Subject: Kantaben?
Do you by any chance happen to mean Lalitaji? Your maid? The lady who has silently tolerated and toiled to clean up your messes all these years?
The woman who came running at Arnavji and myself with a blunt kitchen knife when we arrived to protect your house and its belongings?
The wonderful soul who manages all of your staff and household chores without so much as a word of complaint?
You want me to spy on her?
No Dhruvji. My heart says no. Never. Nothing could make me do this.
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From: Raizada, Dhruv
To: Singh Raizada, Khushi
Subject: If You Do It
I'll give you a pair of sunglasses with a built in camera and a name badge that says: KHUSHI SINGH RAIZADA, SUPERSPY EXTRAORDINAIRE on it.
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From: Singh Raizada, Khushi
To: Raizada, Dhruv
Subject: Really?
Well, that does sound- NO.
Don't try and tempt me away from the right thing. This is like that time Arnavji tried to tempt me with Pani Puris... So what if he succeeded? You're not Arnavji.
Only Arnavji is Arnavji.
And thank God for that, I mean, if TWO people in the same family had egos that big then the world would implode.
The point is, you WON'T succeed in leading me astray.
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From: Raizada, Dhruv
To: Singh Raizada, Khushi
Subject: Oh Won't I?
I'll tell you why Nanav was angry last night.
And also what you can do to win him back.
Make sure you keep me posted throughout the day.
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From: Singh Raizada, Khushi
To: Raizada, Dhruv
Subject: (no subject)
...
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From: NK Photography
To: Kasyap, Lavanya
Subject: Last Night
I'm so sorry.
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From: Kasyap, Lavanya
To: NK Photography
Subject: Re: Last Night
I don't know what you want me to say to that.
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From: NK Photography
To: Kasyap, Lavanya
Subject: I'm REALLY Sorry
I swear it's not usually like that.
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From: Kasyap, Lavanya
To: NK Photography
Subject: "Usually"
Oh you mean the restaurant isn't usually playing host to a Wedding Reception attended by a bunch of loud, drunk Indians?
Thanks for that NK, I never would have guessed.
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From: NK Photography
To: Kasyap, Lavanya
Subject: What Happened
I'm so sorry. I had no idea that guy would bump into me. I thought it'd be more gentlemanly of me to serve it to you so you didn't spill any...
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From: Kasyap, Lavanya
To: NK Photography
Subject: Stop Apologising
What happened later kind of made up for it.
P.S. Since I didn't want to walk home smelling like a curry bucket and looking like I'd vomited bowel contents down my front, I "borrowed" your clothes.
P.P.S. If you want them back, we're going to have to arrange a repeat encounter.
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From: NK Photography
To: Kasyap, Lavanya
Subject: Repeat Encounter
Just tell me when and where and I'll be there.
Wait- you took my clothes? What? WHY?! How on Earth am I going to leave here?!
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From: Kasyap, Lavanya
To: NK Photography
Subject: Your Clothes
I told you to stop apologising. I never said I'd forgiven you. But I guess now I have.
Work something out NK.
Impress me.
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From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Raizada, Payal
Subject: Tonight's Plan
So you're absolutely positive this will work?
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From: Raizada, Payal
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Subject: Will It Work
I'm sorry, are you or are you not the one married to my sister?
Of course I'm not positive it'll work. But of the three equally as ridiculous suggestions you came up with, this was by far the stupidest and therefore the one she's most likely to enjoy.
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From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Raizada, Payal
Subject: Wow
Biting sarcasm there Payal. What happened to the kind, calm woman who married my cousin?
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From: Raizada, Payal
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Subject: First She Got Taken Advantage Of By A Nine Year Old
And then she got laid.
I'd highly recommend it.
Oh wait, I forgot you're just as incompetent as your wife.
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From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Raizada, Payal
Subject: Excuse Me?
Did you just call me incompetent?
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From: Raizada, Payal
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Subject: Yes. Yes I Did.
I'm just saying, how on Earth does anybody manage to get kidnapped at an airport?!
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From: Raizada, Dhruv
To: Singh Raizada, Khushi
Subject: Updates?
Anything?
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From: Singh Raizada, Khushi
To: Raizada, Dhruv
Subject: Not Really
The Butcher came and I saw Lalitaji kiss him on the cheek but he left.
Then the Fishmonger came and he kissed Lalitaji on the cheek but then he left too.
And now she's disappeared into the Pantry with the Grocer but I guess they're probably just stacking things on shelves.
What is it that's gone missing? Is it just food? Because if that's the case- I ate quite a lot yesterday when Arnavji got angry and stormed out... Sorry.
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From: Raizada, Dhruv
To: Singh Raizada, Khushi
Subject: What's Missing
I have decided to ignore the majority of your e-mail and have just added it to the list of reasons I'm glad I'm not Nanav...
Anyways, erm; some clothes- a muscle tee, some trousers, some jeans and some jackets, some toiletries- hair gel and some other stuff I won't scar you with, some dress-up stuff- a fake moustache, a utility belt and a police officer's uniform..., sunglasses, a clarinet and my entire sound system, the one that plugs into my Mac- which has also disappeared.
I'd really like all the above back. Especially the toiletries.
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From: Singh Raizada, Khushi
To: Raizada, Dhruv
Subject: Ah
That's a really strange mix of things to disappear. Everything sounds... strangely familiar for some reason.
I don't really see why you'd think Lalitaji would take any of those things though. What would she do with it all? What would anybody do with all of those things in the same place at the same time?
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From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Singh Raizada, Khushi
Subject: Place & Time
Tonight at 9PM EXACTLY I want you to meet me in the same room as yesterday. We're doing things my way this time.
If you bring anything other than yourself, I will throw something out a window. Understand?
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From: Singh Raizada, Khushi
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Subject: Do I Understand?
YES SIR MR ARNAV SINGH RAIZADA SIR!
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From: JUST DANCE, STARPLUS
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Subject: Congratulations!!
Fwd: Raizada, Dhruv
Dear Mr Raizada,
Having watched the sample performance you sent in and read the phenomenal transcript you sent us expressing your personal struggles with our homophobic society and the fear of coming out to your family- and- may I personally add my favourite section, the story of how you were always "Just a boy with a dream- and that dream... was to dance." we here at Star Plus believe you would be a truly inspirational and warmly received addition to the line up of competitors in the 2012-2013 season of Just Dance.
We feel your story would really resonate with our audience and propagate our core beliefs: Rishta Wahi, Soch Nayi...
Star Plus
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From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Raizada, Dhruv
Subject: Your House
You may not wish to return to it tonight, tomorrow night or any night during the remainder of my stay here.
All the best,
Arnav Singh Raizada
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