I can take the rain on the roof
of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let 'em out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me
Jason slouched on the sofa, staring
blankly at nothing. The rain pattered down on the roof of the house but he
scarcely noticed it. He was dimly aware of tears trickling down his cheeks as
he pictured Sharon's laughing face. He did not mind the sound of rain echoing
through the now empty house. He was not even bothered by the tears that formed
in his eyes every time he thought of her. Even though trying to pretend that he
was okay and that he was not hurting quite as much took its toll on him, that
still was not what he could not take.
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do
What hurt Jason the most was being
so close to her when she died. He had had so much to say to her, so much that
he had left unspoken and then all of a sudden, there was no time to tell her
all of it. He recalled the last day they had spent together. He had taken her
on a surprise visit to go deep sea diving on their wedding anniversary. She had
been so surprised and excited when she had found out. Who would have known that
what had seemed like a perfect day would turn out to be the worst day of
Jason's life? It would haunt him for the rest of eternity.
It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
Jason overslept the next morning and when he woke up, he felt a pang as always at the fact that Sharon was not around to wake him up any more. He got up, took a shower and got dressed. There was always a deep hole inside of him that nothing could fix, no matter what he happened to be doing. Jessica, Kyle, Byron and Sara had invited him to lunch that afternoon and he would be late if he did not hurry up. Grabbing his keys and wallet, he walked out of the house, slamming the door hard as if to keep all of the grief and sadness locked inside the house.
As Jason drove down the familiar street, he could not help but think of Sharon. She had always loved walking down to the post office and chattering away to the people gathered there. His heart contracted painfully as he spotted the coffee shop where he was supposed to meet the gang. He did not even remember how many times he had gone there with Sharon. So many painful memories were attached to that place but he still had to go inside and pretend that everything was all right.
Jason walked in through the door,
and cast a glance around the room. He forced a smile on his face with much
difficulty as he spotted Kyle, Byron, Sara and Jessica waving cheerily at him.
He walked over to them and sat down trying not to look at the empty chair next
to him, that had always been occupied by Sharon. He knew that if he could go
back in time to that fateful day, he would tell her everything he had saved in
his heart to tell her someday. He would not leave anything unspoken.
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
As Kyle, Byron, Sara and Jessica chattered away, Jason thought back to the day when she had died. They had both taken a brief diving class and had gone over the safety instructions and then, they were both being hooked up to oxygen cylinders and diving suits.
"Isn't this exciting?" Sharon said, her eyes sparkling with happiness. "Thank you so much for this amazing anniversary present, Jase!"
"Well, I only did it because I love you," Jason said, smiling back at her.
"I love you too," she said, her
eyes shining with joy.
Soon they were underwater, swimming around looking at different species of colorful fish. Sharon was especially interested in a tiny crab that peered out at them from behind a strand of seaweed. Jason was trying to tickle a pretty blue fish when it happened. Sharon started to flail her arms and legs wildly and Jason swam up to her at once. She looked at him with eyes that were full of pain and she feebly pointed to her leg. Jason saw that her diving suit was torn and he checked to see what had happened. There was a nasty bite mark there that looked serious so Jason held her in his arms and took her back to the surface. He rushed her to the first aid room but it was too late. The nurse said that the bite had been caused by an especially deadly fish that lurked in the water and that the poison had already spread by the time Jason had brought her back to the surface. There was nothing that anyone could do for her now. Jason sat down beside her, clutching her small hand in his. Her body was covered with a sheen of sweat and she was trembling, her eyes glazed.
"Jase," she whispered.
"What is it Sharon?" Jason asked, hardly able to keep the tears from spilling over.
"I love you," she choked out.
"I am so sorry," Jason said, his voice trembling. She smiled at him feebly and brushed her hand across his face. She tried to say something but darkness overpowered her and her eyes grew still and glassy. She was gone.
What hurts the most was being
so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
"Jason! Earth to Jason!" Sara said waving a hand in front of his face. Jason jumped and stared at her, conscious of the fact that his face was wet with tears.
"What happened?" Jessica asked, holding his hand. "You know you can tell us anything."
"You're right," Jason said, blinking away his tears. "I want to tell you exactly what happened the day that Sharon died." His voice broke at the last word but he looked determined.
"Okay," Kyle said softly. Jason took a deep breath and told them everything that he had kept hidden inside his heart all this time. They listened gravely and by the time he finished, they were holding back tears.
"It wasn't your fault, Jason!" Sara whispered, sympathetically.
"I was just trying to give her all the love she deserved," Jason said his voice cracking. "I knew how much she wanted to go deep sea diving one day and so I took her. I didn't mean for that to happen!"
"Jason," Byron said, commandingly. "Look at me. Sharon doesn't blame you for what happened."
"How do you know?" Jason asked helplessly.
"Because when you apologized to her before she died, she smiled at you," Byron said gently. "She wouldn't have done that if she blamed you would she?"
Jason thought about it for a second. "No, she wouldn't have," he admitted.
"Well there you go then," Kyle said.
"Look guys… thanks for being here for me and everything… but I have to go now," Jason said standing up.
"Take care," Jessica said quietly,
squeezing his hand. He gave her a small smile and went out of the coffee shop.
No matter what happened, no matter how many times, people tried to convince him
otherwise, a small part of him would always blame himself for Sharon's death.
However, he would try to go on with life as best as he could because he was
certain of one thing… Sharon would never have wanted to see him sad. The least
he could was to honor that.
Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do
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