Football - which country will win W cup 2010? - Page 28

Matches last approximately 90 minutes. In that period of time, there will be maybe one goal. It will happen almost as a mistake when someone falls down who shouldn't.

In soccer, there is a lot of falling down, most of it on purpose. As a nation, the Italians fall down the best. Portugal also falls down a lot. When the Portuguese collapse to the ground, it is almost operatic. Cellos play. Madame Butterfly sings.

In fact, falling down well is one of the most important skills in soccer. By falling down convincingly, a player can sometimes fool the referee into calling a penalty kick. Penalty kicks are like free throws, in that they are remarkably easy. Winning a game on a penalty kick would be like winning a basketball game by drawing a charging foul in the second quarter.

So as you can tell, the referee plays a critical part out there on the pitch (the field). To qualify as a referee for a World Cup match, you must be extensively trained and legally blind. If you can distinguish day from night, ketchup from mustard, you see far too well and would be considered ineligible to be a ref for the World Cup. Because the ref's job is so vital to the outcome, there is only one.

The ref is assisted by two linesmen, whose main role is to run in a dorky fashion up and down the sideline to determine who knocked a ball out of bounds. This is virtually inconsequential, but they do it anyway.

The most important call a linesman makes is probably offsides. When offside is called, there is usually lots of jumping up and down. It is almost as exciting as an actual goal, which you will almost never see.

Singing and conga drums are also important elements of soccer. The stands of a World Cup match are like a nightclub, but there is more nudity and drinking. Out on the field, players are fond of removing their shirts after scoring. This might be the best part of soccer. In real life, most people undress, then score. In soccer, it is the other way around.

When the game is over, the team that loses often riots. So does the team that wins. You can usually tell when a game is over — when guys in funny helmets start yelling for the tear gas and the gauze.

Hence, soccer has a reputation as a very passionate game. It's a lot like love, except soccer costs less to play. And there are fewer bite marks.

Brazil, Italy, Germany and England are always among the elite teams of soccer. The Argentines are also good, but they fight harder amongst themselves than against other teams. Incidentally, Argentines can do almost anything with their feet. They can repair watches. They can deliver babies. They also, generally, have the longest hair and the most traffic tickets.

In fact, a team's style of play often seems to relate to a nation's character. The Italians are creative. The Germans are militaristic. The Greeks seem a little gassy.

In Brazil, soccer is a sweaty samba, a breathless kiss at midnight. On the soccer field, Brazilians have the same body language as cheetahs.

The Americans? Well, the U.S. team always seems to be struggling for respect on the world stage. In America, we teach soccer like arithmetic, with lots of drills and rulers to the knuckles when you underperform. In fact, we teach soccer way harder than arithmetic, which explains so much.

In the end, World Cups are usually won by the team with the most players who can get to full throttle fastest with a ball glued to their shoestrings — then fall down near the goal."