Funny Quotes

Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead.
Benjamin Franklin


I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating. In fourteen
days, I lost exactly two weeks.
Joe E. Lewis


I have enough money to last me the rest of my life ........unless
I buy something.
Jackie Mason


It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I
have been searching for evidence which could support this.
Bertrand Russell


If your phone has been disconnected for any reason, call now.
Erik Estrada, in a commercial for Smoke Signals telephone service.


I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
Sam Kinison


The amount of sleep required by the average person is about
five minutes more.
Wilson Misner


Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some
men should be happier than others.
Oscar Wild


A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in love.
Just ask yourself this one question: Would I mind being
financially destroyed by this person?
Ronnie Shakes


I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep
his house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor


Recently I performed at an animal rights barbecue.
Adam Christing

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin,
we go to heaven - Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven.
Brian O'Rourke