Posted:
I Promise
Knees drawn closer to her stomach, she suppresed her sobs, burying her head down. Curtains closed, lights switched off, darkness was all over the room, she had locked herself in.
"Please open the door, Sweetheart."
He knocked the door for the tenth time and once again like the previous nine times, silence was what he was greeted with, in return from her.
Despite of trying hard to not let her cries escape her room, he could hear them. How could he not? He was the one who could read her eyes despite being closed, who could hear her when she chose to be quiet, could understand her when she spoke no words.
His hand traced the door, as he sat on the ground, helplessly. "Swara please." His palm still resting on the door, he pleaded her to come out or at least to let him in but there was no reply. His concern was taking a step up with the increasing second in the clock.
He begged her to unlock the room, to respond something, to let him know that she was fine though he knew she was anything but fine. He could have just broken the door in a minute and stormed inside but he did not do that. She needed time and he wanted her to allow him to be there, on her own and not forcefully.
"If you don't open the door in sixty seconds then I'll just break everything here... I'll break myself."
He cursed himself for doing what he didn't want... blackmailing. But a click on the door and he was satisfied, somewhat. He still hadn't lost her. She was yet to go that far from him from where he couldn't bring her back.
Lifting himself, he rushed inside. Something twisted sharp, somewhere in his heart when he glanced at her messed up hairs, red puffy eyes, and her shaking figure.
He walked up to her, only to take her in his arms. He rounded his arms more firmly when he felt her lifeless in his hold. Closing eyes, he didn't allow tears to come out and whispered in her ear, the thing that he wanted her to believe.
"Everything will be fine, Swara."
"What will be fine? There is nothing fine and nothing will be fine ever. You can't bring him back, can you?"
One line of assurance from him and she lost it... she lost it completely. Pushing him away, she backed off his hold. Heart screaming with pain, eyes demanding how he could even bring himself to say that to her, she stood still.
He wasn't taken aback with the intensity of her outburst rather he had expected more, to be honest. Her pain couldn't be soothed. Nothing can fulfil her loss but then, was he in any lesser pain? Certainly not.
"No, I can't bring him back. If it had been in my hands, I would never have let him go in the first place."
He replied with a heavy voice. Looking at her, he found her already gaze fixed at him. She hadn't averted her eyes. Her fingers clutched her cloth material in her fist as she let his words sink in her system.
"It was. It was in your hands."
Guilt overpowered him on hearing her
"I am sorry."
"Sorry? What am I supposed to do with your sorry?" She flared up when he just so easily apologized.
Was he thinking that could make things normal in between them?
"Mr. Sanskar Maheshwari, I, as a wife could have forgiven you but I, as a mother can never forgive you for snatching my baby from me."
She spoke, not allowing her voice to crack at any moment.
"Swara, please listen to me."
"Listen to you? What? You killed my baby." She jerked his hand that was advancing towards her face.
You killed my baby.
Whatever pieces of him, he was holding so far broke with those four words. What could have been more painful than to hear that he killed his own baby, their baby? How could she accuse him for that? He closed his eyes to take a deep breath, reminding himself she wasn't in her senses and even if she was in, then she wasn't wrong. He had indeed done it but all in his mind was, she
.
A fresh stream of tears rolled down her cheeks, with her heartbreaking scream for her baby that couldn't even step in the world. Her dreams shattered with his one decision.
"If you did not want him, why did you get me into this?"
She wasn't able to think rationally. Her mind was occupied with only her baby's thoughts, that baby's thoughts, whom she had felt growing inside her, for four and half months.
"Come on, Swara. You know, there is nothing like that."
He clenched his fist on being questioned about his love for his child. He always had temper issues but that side never came in front of his wife. His sweet, caring and loving side was reserved only for her. He knew, he had to take it extremely patiently with her.
"Then. Why. Did. You. Abort. My. Baby?"
She asked, emphasizing on every word. She was downright depressed. His own eyes watered having her crying in front of him. He could feel the terrible trauma she was going through. Her sobs pierced his heart. His lady love was in so miserable condition and he could do nothing... absolutely, nothing for her.
He watched her struggle with keeping her eyes open. She was fainting. His mind alarmed when she started losing her consciousness. She was still weak. He ran towards her, catching her petite figure in his arms before it could hit ground.
Lifting her, he laid her on the bed. Sliding his palm under her head, he adjusted pillows carefully. Gazing at her tear stained face, he wiped her cheeks as he sat on the edge of the bed. "I love you Swara. No matter what, you are first for me."
Glancing at her, he wondered what had they done to deserve it. She, who was the second name of peace for him, now looked most disturbed, unsettled and broken. No longer able to bear her sight that was making his heart bleed; he got off the bed, and made his way out stealing a last glance of her, letting her rest as he recalled Doctor's words that she needed complete rest... physically and mentally more.
*
She woke up, with a slight headache. She searched around, for him but room was empty. Bringing herself in a sitting position, she leaned against the head post.
She startled, with a sudden noise. Tilting her head, she looked in the direction of it and found window open. Clock strikes three in the night. A different chill was in night, a fierce force in the wind. Her gaze travelled down, on the floor where she caught his diary that had fallen because of the open window maybe.
She couldn't understand what made her leave the bed, and walked up to it. She picked up the diary, moving towards the window to allow herself to the fresh breeze. Knowing that she shouldn't flip the pages, she still opened it.
Gaze scattered, she absent mindedly was turning them when a line caught her attention, forcing her to firm her hold on the diary.
I am sorry, Swara.
She stopped, focussing on the matter written over the page.
A Week Ago...
I am sorry, Swara but I have to do this. I have to do this, for you. To save your life, I have to sacrifice our baby's. I am sorry. I know, you will never forgive me for this but this is the last option remained. Doctor has given me a week to think over it but he doesn't know, there is nothing to think about. You are first for me. If you keep this baby, then complications in your pregnancy would not let you be alive after it and I cannot risk your life. I have tried everything, contacted every doctor from India and from outside of India as well but for now, we can't do anything. They say, your womb is too weak to carry a baby.
Her eyes filled up, with tears. She had been deprived of knowing the truth. He hadn't told her anything except that he had to abort her baby. She flipped another page and found next few ones to be empty.
Yesterday...
What I feared for has come true. You started feeling the pain Doctor has warned me about. Doctor gave me the choice like he had, before a week. Either you or our baby and I chose you. I don't know how you will react after knowing this but I could not let anything happen to you.
She stumbled upon his yesterday's write up, when they were in the hospital. She had always been annoyed whenever she found him with his diary because he never let her read it.
She remembered how he always used to mention, that his diary holds his deepest secrets that he cannot share with anyone and she used to frown saying, he can... with her but now, she understood that everyone has things that they feel inappropriate to let others know.
She could definitely predict why he had decided to keep her in darkness of half truth.
Of course, a mother's grief is always more than anybody else's but if she had lost her child then he had too. Was he in any lesser pain? He was the most excited for their little one's arrival in their life.
She still felt like it was yesterday when they were confirmed about it and his thrill had amused her to say the least. He was all over the house, decorating it, ordering all the books regarding cautions to be taken in the nine months, buying toys, clothes for their baby.
How could she say that to him? He killed their baby? Her heart went heavy and vision blurred with tears.
She closed the diary, and dropped it on the bed. Sauntering out, her heart was one side calmed while raged at another side for accusing him for something so severe she could not think of uttering that for him in her senses.
Hall was empty again. Where he could be?
She checked kitchen despite of knowing he would not be there. She climbed the stairs, and as expected, he was sleeping in the room; he had decorated for their baby. She covered her mouth with her palms to stop the sobs from escaping out.
Slowly walking up to him, she stared at his sleeping form. He was sleeping on his left shoulder, shivering due to midnight chills and the AC temperature. She closed one window that he had left open and covered him with duvet. He looked so calm. Who would believe what this man was going through? She leaned forward to drop a soft kiss on his hairs, careful enough to not disturb his slumber.
She had always considered herself lucky to have got someone like him as a life partner. He had always been there for her, even before she could know that she needed him. He had always put her as his first priority, leaving aside everything and yesterday also, he did the same. He did the same but she couldn't understand him, this time or probably it was the weak moment where she couldn't handle her hurt and ended up hurting him more. Quickly wiping the lone tear that came out of her eye, she backed off, and left the room.
*
She had been arranging her room that she had messed up, yesterday. She couldn't sleep after she woke up, in the night. Rather she decided to take a shower and she changed into a white dress. White... always had been his favourite for some unknown reasons. He never mentioned it to her but he always complemented her for the same.
She shifted to kitchen once she finished with her room to make his coffee, her tea and breakfast for them. He never allowed her to do any home chores except cooking though she had always complained him, for letting her work saying she gets bored at home but he was adamant on his decision.
She moved to the room where he was sleeping but he wasn't there. Wondering where he must be, she peeked at him in their room.
She walked back.
"Breakfast is ready." She informed, standing at the door and turned her back to him. She placed her palm on her chest as her heart started beating rapidly. She didn't know how to face him after what happened yesterday.
"Swara."
She was about to run from there when he called out her name. Clutching the piece of her cloth in her fist, she tried calming her down. She wasn't ready for this. She wasn't.
Gathering courage, she turned towards him. "Yes Sanskar?" She smiled hesitantly. Signalling her, he asked her to come inside.
"You read the diary?"
He asked, despite of already knowing that she had. When he had entered in the room and seen his diary on the bed, he knew what must have happened. How many times he cursed himself for being that careless with it!
She had fixed her gaze at the ground as she silently nodded and mumbled an apology in feeble voice. "I am sorry."
He could see tears brimming in her eyes again. "Shh..." Before she could say anything further, he had taken her in his arms, caressing her hairs softly.
Guilt is the worst.
"It's okay."
He pulled himself back a little. Scooping her face in his large palms, he lingered his lips on her forehead, dropping an affectionate kiss. She unknowingly held on to his arm.
"I love you... more than anything else."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Her voice held a raw pain that hit his soul sharply.
"If I had told you, then you wouldn't have let me do this. You would have insisted for not aborting the baby and eventually, I would have give in to you considering I cannot say no to you. Do you realize how selfish I am here? I did what I did because I want you for me. I cannot live without you and about baby, we would see about that in future and if that cannot happen then we would adopt one. Till the time, I have you with me, I can do anything."
That was the time, she was left wondering if anyone else in his place had done the same, had said the same. She has had a friend whose marriage broke because she couldn't conceive. Her husband had turned into something else after the news. He had taken her to hospitals, even gave in to superstitions. When nothing changed, he started behaving indifferent with her, even hitting and abusing her and after the months, he divorced her.
And here was her own husband, who was actually ready to be without kids for lifetime but wasn't ready to let her go. Wasn't that bliss to hear? Wasn't she lucky to have him in her life?
She absolutely was and that was why, she started feeling terrible. He was perfect, so loving and caring towards her and on the other side; there was she, who wasn't able to give him what he deserved.
"Relax, Swara."
He engulfed her in a hug when he watched panic hitting her. "Shh... Everything is fine. Everything will be fine, I promise."
"Why me Sanskar? Why us?" She wrapped her hands tightly around him, and everything she was holding inside her came out with desperate cry.
Parental hood is dream of every couple and so it was for them too. They both had always been crazy about kids.
"Swaraa." He held her shaking figure closer, rubbing her back frequently to soothe her unstable heart.
"You can conceive... just not now." He told her, trying to pull her away when he felt his Shirt getting wet with her tears but she remained clinging to him.
"You are lying... just to make me feel better."
"No Sweetheart. I am not. Okay listen to me... one second please." He forcefully broke the hug, and brought her to the bed, making her sit there and he himself knelt down in front of her.
"Doctor has said there are chances that you can conceive." He said, softly.
"How many?" Still unsure, she asked.
"Five percent." He replied, looking in her eyes, holding his entire love for her in them.
"We will try Swara. We will try the best we can, okay? And even then, you can't then we will consider this as god's wish. Hmm? No one gets everything in life Swara. There has to be balance right?" It wasn't easy for him to say the same but for him, she came first and he had to make sure, she understands that too.
"If you cannot conceive after our efforts, then we will adopt a child. What is more beautiful than making someone's life? If we can, then we should right? And how does it matter if the baby is our blood or not? What matters is how we grow him, how we love him, how we make him and we... will love him, truly."
Even though Doctor had mentioned about the chances of her to be able to give birth to a child, there still will be risks because of her complications. May be he would never tell her but he wouldn't allow a fraction of percent chance where he could lose her
He had a firm decision that he had taken for them, without her consent.
"I promise you Swara, life will be beautiful like it always has, we will be together like we always have, I will love you like I always have.
I promise."
Leaning forward, he rested his forehead to hers.
"But you need to promise me one thing that you will never blame yourself for anything and love me like your baby." He stood up chuckling . All he wanted was, to see her infectious smile that was lost somewhere.
May be even she knew, the hidden reasons behind the choice of his words. Just the way he could read her eyes, the very same way, she could... as well. She gave a long stare in his eyes in which she could see the ocean of love for her.
"I promise."
***
Just a little attempt in keeping the forum moving.
Much love
- Harshada
