Hi, hi! I am new to the forum but thought of trying something on SwaSan. It is an OS simply analyzing Sanskaar's state of mind as he thinks back and understand things. There is a series of colors to follow, but I thought of starting from that darkest, in the worst moment of his life and move on to better things. I just wish they had a little more time to themselves before Ragini got exposed and all went to chaos. So that's how the color series will progress, unlike the original. Do tell me what you think.
Black... It is the sky in its darkest shade or the water in its deepest layer, the dead center of a forest where the sun will not reach or simply the back of your closed eye; black is everywhere. But, it's not just the surrounding, black is in people too. You would think I'm talking about evil, in one way I am but black also is the color of fear. Coming back to evil isn't fear the root of evil in some people? Doesn't everyone have some tints of black? Perhaps they get merged in to the majority of whiteness in them in the process making them gray, or they dominate the character making them black' to the outsider.
There was a time, when I, Sanskaar Maheshwari had gone through such a black phase. I still have tints of the color and I have no intention in hiding it. But with the other colors flowing in to my life I can see black as it is, unlike many around me.
It had been my fear, the tint of black in me. The fear Kavita had left behind her, when she departed from my life. When we were together I had never feared losing her, so there was no blackness in me. But when she was gone, leaving me a colorless canvas it had started to creep in. It was a fear of letting her down, fear of what she might feel if the people responsible for her death walked out free. I had let that fear consume me, in hope that it would dim the pain that was cracking my soul. In all that I failed to realize that my fear was giving birth to evil and I myself was becoming black.
There is a benefit in dwelling the side of black, that is; you could see everyone around you clearer. You can observe them without being objected to observation yourself and pick out the perfect pawn to execute your plan. Living in the dark myself, my senses on the color had refined. I sense it in anyone before others and know how to use it in my own game.
That was when I came across Ragini.
Many say it was I who turned her evil; but she had that blackness to her when we first met. It was true that I have unintentionally increased it. But unknowing to her she was also afraid of losing the first man who came to her life in form of love. She is still afraid of losing him and the black inside her keep increasing, keep giving birth to evil, keep tainting her image. That is the trait of Black, without sunshine you cannot overcome it.
Sunshine...
It reminds me of the best friend I have ever found. I need to smack myself. She's no longer my friend but the woman who I am bond to love the next seven births. She is the reason of all the other colors in my life hence I call her sunshine; the combination of seven colors, the gist of all the emotions but no black never black.
Even when Swara has feared, she has feared for others never for herself. Her fear was not like ours, for our selfish needs. Her fear had never given birth to evil, her fear was never black. I've known a lot of people in my life, but she was the only one I knew who had no blackness to themselves. She never feared what might happen to her future in her plans.
It makes me fear for her, fear for what I'll do if I wasn't able to protect her.
Don't laugh at me, but it took me quite a while to work out it was love, not fear what I felt for her. That emotion had no blackness to it; it gave birth to no evil. But there is no why in which I can make her see that.
Sometimes it frustrated me how much she detested my love. Was that because still in some corner of her mind she saw me as black as I was once? Does she think that involving me in her colors would blacken them? Had she really forgiven me as she always said she has?
There is nothing I could do but wait for an answer. This wait will be the death of me. Still I am compelled to wait. Lately I've been waiting for too many things. Waiting for Swara to trust me, waiting for her to win against Ragini, waiting for her to realize my love, the list goes on.
But today Swara had somehow found the weakest spot in my patience to wait. And her words hurt, they hurt like hell. How could she even imagine that I wanted her to be forcefully married to me? That I somehow was enjoying her miserable condition? I know she is broken, but she has no right to break me in return.
My frustration comes from the deep inside blackness; I do not care anymore as I let it dominate me for a moment. Just so that I could give her a piece of my mind... I allow myself to yell at her for thinking such lowly of me, to think that in order to gain what I love I would hurt her to such an extent.
But black isn't the only color in me. The others don't let it rule for longer. I see how shattered she is, and I punish myself mentally for yelling at her in the next moment. I need to calm down, I need to console her. She needs me.
I do my best to assure her that none had taken a turn for worst. I promise her an eternal friendship, the last she would have from me.
She says no more and there is no need for me to say anything else either.
I am simply trying to compress the black inside me, so that she would see the other colors I have come to possess, just because of her. After all there is a long time to do that, a long time to learn about each other.
Thanks for reading!!
Indian Mythology
