The Humor of Melvin Durai
Melvin Durai is a humorist who was born in India, raised in Zambia and now lives in the U.S.
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Leaving America? Here’s a Helpful Immigration Guide
by Melvin Durai
Now that Donald Trump is heading back to the White House, many Americans are thinking of heading to another country. This is understandable. After all, millions of people immigrate to America and other countries to get away from Trump-like figures in their home countries.
Immigration isn’t easy — and sometimes takes several years. By the time you actually move, there may be another scoundrel in the White House.
If you are serious about emigrating from America, you’ll be glad to know that there are many countries around the world that welcome skilled immigrants. Here are just some of them and a few of their immigration requirements:
Australia
1. You must be of good character and declare all recorded offenses, such as fraud, sexual assault and insurrections.
2. Your occupation must be on a list of eligible occupations, such as accountant, clinical psychologist, and rugby player.
3. You must be able to tell the difference between a wallaby and a kangaroo.
United Kingdom
1. You must be fluent in English, with a vocabulary that includes basic words such as “blimey,” “chuffed” and “knackered.”
2. You must not use the word “soccer.” It’s called football here.
3. You must have a job offer with a minimum salary of £38,700, so you can afford to share an apartment with five other immigrants.
Canada
1. You get extra points in our points-based immigration system if you are bilingual in English and French. Sorry, no extra points for English and Punjabi until 2035.
2. You get maximum points if you are under the age of 30, and much fewer points above 45. But you can compensate for this by being bilingual and showing a willingness to settle in Nunavut and live in an igloo.
3. Having a graduate degree gets you extra points. But points are subtracted if your degree is from Trump University.
Spain
1. If you are a manager at a big company or a researcher at a university, you can apply for a Highly Skilled Visa. If you have no skills but tons of money, you can apply for a Highly Loaded Visa.
2. A Non-Lucrative Visa allows you to live permanently in Spain, as long as you have a good source of income, private health insurance, and no sign of Ebola.
3. Health certificates signed by Robert F. Kennedy Jr. will not be accepted. Please place them in a blue bin.
Mexico
1. You must be willing to use the phrase “Señora Presidenta” (Madame President).
2. Mexico welcomes retirees who are receiving at least $1,620 per month from their pension, Social Security or rich uncle.
3. You must not blame any of your economic struggles on Mexicans. If any blame needs to be made, please point your finger at AGE (Americans, Guatemalans, and Ecuadorians).
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