Posted:
September, 7th, 2010. Personal Journal of Aham Parag Modi.
It has been a long time since I visited you my trusted friend and guide, my personal journal. Not since high school when Sonum tried to ... Well that was a long time ago and you know all about that. I am feeling just as confused as I did then and thought maybe you can help me again. Yesterday before dinner I was walking by the mandir and saw that Gopi! Even writing her name makes my blood boil. Nothing with her has turned out the way I thought. She is nothing like what I wanted in a wife. When I look at her, I see the symbol of everything I lost, all the dreams that can never be. But then, why, every time I see her, do I feel like a 16 year old boy who is attracted to a girl for the very first time? What is wrong with me? How can I, Aham Parag Modi, be attracted to a girl like Gopi? Why did I get terrified for her safety when I saw her sari struck in the fan? Why did I go help her? Why am I horrified by the thought of something bad happening to her? Why did I forget to breathe when I was near her and saw her beautiful face? Why did I lose control of my emotions again? Why do I hate to see the petrified look on her face when I am near? Why do I want to pull her ghughat off to see her beautiful face? Why do I hate it when she turns away from me? When I see her naked face full of emotions that she cannot hide, why do I want to run the other way? When I yelled at her yesterday her face crumpled and she started to cry again. I wanted to run after her and apologize and dry all her tears. Me, Aham Parag Modi, wanted to apologize and dry that Gopi's tears. I don't understand what is happening to me. How can I feel this way when just a couple of months ago I thought I loved Anita? But Anita didn't ignite any such feelings in me. I was sure of how I felt and what to do in that relationship. My life was chartered for me from the moment I was born and I have always known what I wanted in my life! Then why am I so confused. What do I want from Gopi? Please help me understand what is happening to me! I have deals worth millions then why am I sitting here in my office writing in my journal about that Gopi!
It has been a long time since I visited you my trusted friend and guide, my personal journal. Not since high school when Sonum tried to ... Well that was a long time ago and you know all about that. I am feeling just as confused as I did then and thought maybe you can help me again. Yesterday before dinner I was walking by the mandir and saw that Gopi! Even writing her name makes my blood boil. Nothing with her has turned out the way I thought. She is nothing like what I wanted in a wife. When I look at her, I see the symbol of everything I lost, all the dreams that can never be. But then, why, every time I see her, do I feel like a 16 year old boy who is attracted to a girl for the very first time? What is wrong with me? How can I, Aham Parag Modi, be attracted to a girl like Gopi? Why did I get terrified for her safety when I saw her sari struck in the fan? Why did I go help her? Why am I horrified by the thought of something bad happening to her? Why did I forget to breathe when I was near her and saw her beautiful face? Why did I lose control of my emotions again? Why do I hate to see the petrified look on her face when I am near? Why do I want to pull her ghughat off to see her beautiful face? Why do I hate it when she turns away from me? When I see her naked face full of emotions that she cannot hide, why do I want to run the other way? When I yelled at her yesterday her face crumpled and she started to cry again. I wanted to run after her and apologize and dry all her tears. Me, Aham Parag Modi, wanted to apologize and dry that Gopi's tears. I don't understand what is happening to me. How can I feel this way when just a couple of months ago I thought I loved Anita? But Anita didn't ignite any such feelings in me. I was sure of how I felt and what to do in that relationship. My life was chartered for me from the moment I was born and I have always known what I wanted in my life! Then why am I so confused. What do I want from Gopi? Please help me understand what is happening to me! I have deals worth millions then why am I sitting here in my office writing in my journal about that Gopi!
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