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Just a simple human, not sublime, not ethereal, not a superior soul...only human. I cry out when I get hurt, I get angry and frustrated, I get scared, I feel fear, insecurity, envy, pride, I feel helpless, desperate...I feel betrayed. All the human weaknesses and emotions are felt, I am not above any, and so am only human. Yes, I understand love differently, but then what's new, the definition of love is always individual, always unique to each soul. We all define love differently, so which kind of love is right and which kind is wrong?? Just one question, if your love is right, then is mine wrong?? If your love is unworldly, and mine worldly, if yours perfect and mine imperfect, if yours self sacrificing and mine seeking happiness for both of us, is mine wrong?? My love might be flawed, it might have shades of all human emotions, it might be humanly corrupt...so?? You can give everything up in love, and I want to give you everything in love. You are fulfilling a promise made to God, and I am finally trying to make a promise that I can fulfill. You believe in giving up love as an ultimate sacrifice and I believe love is ultimate. You traded me for my life, and for me you are my life, not a bargain. You made a supreme promise to God, putting yourself aside but you see, I can't do that cause you are my God!! You have faith in him, and now I have faith in you. You trust implicitly in him, and now I trust blindly in you. May be there is a God...but for me you are my religion, my faith, my God!! You are life, you are soul. And if at all there is God that believes in barter, which my heart and mind will never believe, cause I am just made differently from you, then which father would want to snatch away his child's happiness. Why oh why would the almighty destroy our world?? Isn't God love, the one that forgives, the one that is all merciful, the one that always blesses and helps, the benevolent one, then why would he want my life, your life, our world. Why?? I don't understand religion like you do...but still I do know that God in his mercy would not want to separate us, would not want to destroy us...no...never...and I won't, can't let that happen. I dont want a life, if it comes at the price of you, if God indeed trades, believes in deals, then he is welcome to take it back, happily, cause I just cannot, cannot live without you. So, here is the life that you prayed for, I give it back, as a challenge, but no...I won't let you go back.
I can't thinks straight, feel straight, not since the sheer terror and panic of seeing you disappear in the blink of an eye. How could you, Paro?? How could you simply leave me and walk away?? It took me years to overcome the fear of betrayal and once again, I m reliving the same nightmare. That moment of not knowing, when, why, how, where did a loved one disappear?? What was the crime, the reason, the fault...and its happening again??!! And this time you are doing it to me. For whatever reasons, i still feel betrayed, I still feel incredulously shattered, cause like you I am not devout, I do not think or feel like you do...I am not all heart, I am ruled by my brains too. Your faith keeps you going, my logic keeps me ticking. You are lucky to have that confidence...I...I just have you. No..i won't let this happen again..not this time, when I can fight back. Did you really think that i won't come after you, then why the secrecy?? Did you really think I wont be furious, heart broken, worried sick, go raving mad, that I wont be shattered?? You don't want me to be angry...you can't stand that?? What indeed did you expect from me...that i would let you go?? NO...I will rage, rant, roar, beg, plead, go down on my knees, argue, try to show you the other side, my side, cry, weep, dominate, over power, threaten, blackmail...I will do everything and anything, use every weapon I hold, but I won't let you walk away. I won't let you go..never...ever!!
I don't know if I love you, or what I feel is love, or whether I am ever capable of loving another human being again, if I am good enough for you, or will keep you happy...but I want to try. I want to fill your life with all the hues of life, I want to give you smiles, happiness, keep you safe forever, cherish you, relish you, grant your every wish, fulfill your every desire, see you every moment, share every second of my life with you, fight with you, adore you...but I still don't know if I can love you. I cant still put it in words like you. You know better...you know religion, you know God, you know love...the ultimate kind of love...the one I can't fathom cause I am only human. All I know is...I can't let you go..you can't leave me like this...Loving is anything but leaving...
You see I am not you, I am not white, pure, a good soul, I am not that blessed...I am the cursed human with all the flaws given by God!! When you close your eyes you feel devotion, if I close my eyes all I see is you!! And don't they say that its easy to be God but difficult to be human?? Even Gods have suffered when they lived and walked this earth, they too have been imperfect as humans, so I am no exception. If He has ever loved, he knows the agony of lost...and why would he want us to suffer the same? I cannot bear the tears in yours eyes, the pain in my heart. I cannot see the barren expanse in your watery eyes, or the desolation and desperation in my soul...so Paro...whatever and whichever way I be punished, I will take it cause I am human and I deserve it...but I won't let you go...
P.S...I have tried to put his feelings in words...the emotions of Rudra Pratap Ranawat...
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