AsYa OS - A Heartless Winter

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AsYa OS - A Heartless Winter

Cold air swirled about him, making the light snowfall seem almost majestic. If this was any other day, he would've gladly taken out his camera and take a few shots. But not today. Today the hole in his chest was too painful. His heart was missing.

He had been foolish and stupid. He knew it the second the words had left his mouth. He hadn't meant a thing that he'd said that day. Ugly words that he'd had wrapped around himself. For what? Self-preservation. That's what he thought he had been doing. He thought he could protect himself and keep his heart closed off. But all that it had amounted in was hurt. Hurt that he'd caused the only girl he'd ever loved. The only girl he'd always love.

A week had passed and each passing day made the pain grow even more unbearable. How he'd missed her presence and her sweet scent. The way her hair fell, the sparkle in her warm, bright eyes.

He could clearly remember the day he first saw her. It was engraved in his mind. That moment in time had changed his life forever. The first glimpse he got from her was when he was in the park. He had been hoping to get a few nice shots, because he enjoyed photography and capturing nature. Excited children chattering had caught his attention and he noticed a class of kindergarteners on an outing. A picnic.

She'd had been laughing with the children, joking with them as they spread out a large picnic blanket. He couldn't help it. Automatically, he raised his camera and took pictures. Capturing bright smiles and enthusiasm. Beauty.

Somehow, she caught him taking pictures. Her eyes had narrowed and he realised he must've had come across as someone really creepy, taking pictures of strangers. So he hurried over and explained that he was a photographer and just wanted to capture the moment. He even showed her the shots he'd taken. Embarrassed to find that most of the pictures were focused on her, he cleared his throat and gave her a sheepish smile.

She complimented his work and even offered to buy them from him, so she could give them to the kids' parents as mementos. He ended up joining the picnic and having the best time of his life.

He'd never felt as nervous as when he asked her out when the picnic ended. She'd accepted, to his delight, and they slowly started dating. His heart had been hers the moment he'd seen her waiting for him under the clock tower on their first date. He just hadn't realised it then. Her eyes had lit up and a smile graced her lips as she came to him.

Six months passed. The happiest time of his twenty-five years.

And now here he was, standing outside her apartment building on Christmas Eve because he screwed up.

He'd been foolish to think he could keep his distance. He was tired of spending every Christmas by himself. No, this year he had someone to share it with. If he could be that lucky. And if he had it his way, he would never spend it alone again.

It was dark outside, even though it probably wasn't even five in the afternoon yet. The light was on in her apartment, so he knew she was there. So close, yet they couldn't have been further apart from each other.

Why did he let his insecurities take the best of him? Fear. That's what it all came down to. Fear of not being enough. Fear of not deserving her. She was everything. She showed him kindness and patience and love. She came to trust him and he wanted to offer her everything. But he'd let his fears overrule him. He'd hurt her - done exactly what he'd promised himself he'd never do.

He took a few deep breaths before he walked up the steps and buzzed her apartment.

"Hello?" Her voice sounded through the intercom.

His heart thudded when her sweet voice registered in his brain. He missed her so much. "It's me." He cleared his throat when his voice came out somewhat scratchy due to disuse.

There were a couple beats of silence; excruciating silence. She wouldn't shut him out, would she?

"What are you doing here?" She finally asked. Her voice was soft, but he could still detect the reluctance and the hurt underneath.

He squeezed his eyes shut as he let out a shaky breath. "I'd like to see you. Please." He added. He needed to see her.

"... Okay."

Relief filled him. If she agreed to see him, he might still have a chance. Quickly he ran a hand through his dark hair and tried to get some of the snowflakes out. He turned and stepped down the stone steps. He eyed the steps; there was a thin layer of snow but probably not enough for her to slip on.

She appeared a few minutes later, bundled in her winter coat with a thick red scarf wrapped around her. She looked lovely. Her long brown hair fell over her shoulders, her chocolate eyes tentatively took him in.

"Hi." She said as she slowly descended down the few steps.

"I missed you." He blurted out. He missed her so much. He wanted to reach out and wrap her in his arms. But he knew he couldn't do that. Not right now.

She bit her lip as she awkwardly shifted her feet, as if not knowing what to say.

He was at a loss of words too. It wasn't as if he had an entire speech prepared for this moment. He just knew he was sorry, so sorry, for everything he'd said the last time he'd seen her.

"Is there something wrong?" She finally asked after a moment of silence. "Is that why you came to see me?"

"What?" He blinked as he tried to clear his head. There were so many things whirling in his head, he hadn't realised he'd been staring at her all this time. All he knew was that he couldn't lose her.

"I came to apologise." His eyes searched hers. They were shadowed, and the hurt still showed. It broke his heart to see her like that. To be the cause of that.

"I was being stubborn and stupid and I said things that I didn't mean. Could never mean." Stupid words that pained him even when they left his mouth.

"You hurt me." The slight tremble in her voice just about killed him.

"I know Zoya." God, he knew. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Desperately, he reached for her hands that were slowly turning red due to the cold. He wrapped them in his, hope lifting when she didn't immediately pull away from his hold.

"None of it was true. You have to believe me." He pleaded. She had to believe him. He couldn't let go. Ever. The hurt in her eyes sliced through his heart. "How can I believe you? After you threw my words back into my face?"

She didn't trust him. Of course she didn't. He'd hurt her in the worst way possible. He threw her love back. The love he'd so desperately wanted to grasp and keep forever. "I was scared Zoya." The words rushed out of him. It was like their fate was hanging by a thin thread.

"Scared of getting in too deep. Scared of never being enough for you, so I lashed out. I was a f**king fool."

She flinched slightly at his words and he nearly wanted to bite his tongue off. She never did like it whenever he cursed. He was going to make damn sure to never let an ugly word leave his mouth again. Not if she took him back.

He rubbed their hands together, trying to keep her warm. "I realised that I was already in too deep. And I didn't give a f-," he stopped himself before he could let the curse word escape his lips.

"I don't care whether I am in too deep or not. Because I realised that you are all I'm ever going to need. I need your presence in my life. Your laughter, your love, you." He needed her like the earth needed the sun. She was the brightness in his life and he would wither away without her. "You can trust me. Always. I'm not letting you down, ever."

He watched as her eyes watered and the first tear trailed down her face. f**k. Shit. He hadn't meant to make her cry. He didn't want to hurt her. He never wanted to hurt her. Not knowing what to do, he clumsily released one of her hands and quickly reached up to wipe the hot tears away. "I'm sorry Zoya. Please don't cry."

"I don't know what to say Asad." She softly admitted as she gazed up at him with her tear-filled eyes.

Fear gripped his heart. "Say that you still love me. Tell me that I'm not too late." Don't tell him that he screwed up his only chance at happiness. His hand still lingered on her cold rosy cheek, he couldn't bring himself to let her go.

Her eyes swept down before meeting his again. "Of course I still love you Asad." She said, her voice barely audible.

She still loved him. His heart thudded in his chest and warmth slowly spread through him. Her love was a gift he was going to cherish forever. "I love you." Words he'd never spoken before. Words that before he'd met her, he'd never even wanted to think about.

Her eyes widened slightly as she stared at him, visibly stunned.

"I know I hurt you. I know how stupid I acted. I was wrong. I'm sorry. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Let me prove it to you."

"... You're a great guy." She whispered, sniffling slightly.

Those words - she wasn't going to break up with him for good, was she? Fear slammed into him and his palms started to feel clammy despite the cold.

"And sometimes I feel like you don't know that." She continued. "You're pretty amazing, actually." She told him, while blushing. "And there are times that I think, 'what's he doing with me when he could have anyone he wanted?'."

What? He blinked, unable to register her words. "Why would I want anyone else but you?" She was amazing. She was wonderful - couldn't she see that?

She gently squeezed the hand that was still wrapped around hers. "I'm glad you're here. I missed you too."

"Y-you did?" He couldn't help the words that left his mouth.

She looked him straight in the eye. "Yes." Tentatively she took a step closer and he immediately held his arms open for her. Finally able to hold her again. "You did hurt me a lot." She mumbled against his chest.

He held her tight against him. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

"But I understand it's difficult for you to open up. And I understand how it is feeling like you're not enough for someone."

He nodded. They'd talked about this before. He wasn't someone he easily let someone inside his life. But with her, he couldn't help it. He was different around her. Better. "You're more than enough for me." She had to know that.

"You're more than enough for me too." She held him tight and he savoured the feeling. "I want to be with you, but I'm not sure if I could handle it if you hurt me again."

His heart squeezed. "Never again. I'm not making the same mistake twice. I want you."

She nodded against his chest and then looked up, a small smile on her face. Her eyes were still a little red, as was her nose, but she'd never looked more adorable. "Do you want to come inside?"

He entered her apartment and immediately spotted the small tree they'd picked out the day he messed up everything. "You didn't decorate it." The tree seemed almost sad, sitting there in the corner.

Her smile turned a bit sad and it chipped his heart. "I didn't really feel like it."

Because of him. Unspoken words, but he knew that was the reason why. God, he was a bas***d. Needing to feel her again, he reached out and pulled her close, squeezing her against his chest. The way she wrapped her arms around him warmed his insides. There wasn't any hesitation. She wasn't wary of him anymore. "Let's cheer this tree up together."

She tilted her head back to look him in the eyes. Pleasure. It was a beautiful sight. "Really?"

He nodded. "Yes."

"I've stored my Christmas ornaments in the supply closet. Let me get it." She flashed him a shy smile before disappearing into the hallway.

He surveyed her apartment and a pang shot through his heart when he noticed a box of pizza lying on her small dinner table. No. He was not going to let her spend this evening eating pizza. She deserved more. So much more. He stalked over to the table, grabbed the box and put it in the fridge. He was going to make her dinner.

He looked into her fridge and noticed it was fully stocked. He could work with that, he decided.

She returned after a couple of minutes with a big clear plastic box. It was filled to the brim with cheery Christmas ornaments.

"A lot of them used to belong to my parents." She said as she popped the lid open. She tucked a strand of brown hair behind her ear as she peered into the box.

He crouched down beside her and reached out and took a hold of a delicate gold Christmas bauble. It glistened underneath her living room light. "I've never done this before." He admitted. She knew about his childhood. Christmases at his house were basically like any other day. Filled with screaming and fights.

It basically sucked. Especially when he was younger and seeing all the kids in his class get excited for the holiday. He'd hated it. Two weeks without school. No escape from his home life. He quickly shook his head to clear the ghosts. That was then. Now, he was starting a new tradition. He glanced at her and smiled softly.

There was a hint of sadness in her eyes. For him. She put her fingers on his arm, as if to say I'm sorry. "I'm glad I can spend this day with you." She whispered. "Ever since my parents passed away, it's always been just me during the holidays. This is the first time I'm doing this too."

Gently, he reached up to touch her face, to cup her neck as he leaned in and pressed his lips against hers for a soft kiss. Thank you.

They decorated the tree together and he didn't think he'd ever smiled that much. She had put on a Christmas CD and they talked and laughed as they put up the ornaments. The tree became a centre piece with its twinkling lights and ribbons.

"I think we did a pretty good job." She said as she stepped back to admire their handiwork.

He agreed. It was the most beautiful tree he'd ever seen. "Are you hungry?"

She looked at him and nodded vigorously. "Actually, before you showed up, I was just about to have dinner."

He remembered. The pizza. There was no way in hell he was going to let her eat pizza on this day. She deserved more. "Let me cook for you."

She frowned, "Are you sure? We could eat it, I mean, it's going to just sit there if we don't."

He shook his head determinedly. "Definitely not."

She let out a chuckle then, "Okay then. Cooking it is. But you have to let me help."

He rather enjoyed cooking with her. Seeing her chat happily away as she busied herself with the vegetables. He tried to give her the easy tasks, as he worked on the chicken, but she ended up doing her fair share of work too.

When dinner was done, they sat in front of the Christmas tree with their meal.

"This looks really delicious." She smiled at him. "Are you going to make a wish?"

"A wish?" He asked.

"When I was younger, my parents and I always made one wish right before Christmas dinner." She told him, a soft smile gracing her face. "As a kid I used to wish for either toys or a sibling."

He smiled at that. He could picture her as a young girl, flushed with excitement over Santa's visit.

"Okay, here I go." She shot him a wink before closing her eyes and clasping her hands together. Her brow furrowed a little and he couldn't help but think that she looked entirely adorable.

He couldn't help himself. He silently scooted closer and pressed his lips against hers.

Her eyes opened in surprise at the contact.

"Sorry." He mumbled against her soft lips. "I couldn't help myself."

A small grin appeared on her lips before she kissed him back. "Did you make your wish?" She asked after he pulled away.

He nodded as he took in her warm gaze. "Can I tell you?"

"If you want to." She answered honestly.

"Will you tell me yours?"

"Yes."

Reaching out, he took her hands in his. "I wished to spend the rest of all my Christmases with you. And that perhaps in a few years' time, we'd have a tiny special addition to spend it with."

Her eyes lit up and his heart warmed. "I wished for the same." She admitted, shyly.

He lowered his head, until his lips were millimetres away from hers, "Then it'll definitely come true." Because he was never letting her go again.

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(A/N) :

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