Posted:
It's been a few days. Sometimes an honest heart-to-heart with yourself is the key. It's been hard. Difficult emotionally, tiring mentally, and deteriorating physically. But I'm coping.
Suffered a few rocky trails along the way as well. I'm adapting.
He was that light that always shined bright over my head. How bright? I don't know. But bright enough for its absence to be noticed. Shining there from the very beginning. Long enough for me to forget that it was an addition, but he just managed to somehow make it seem customary all this time.
I just want to say this once, these are my emotions speaking, demanding control for a moment. I loved him. I did. A lot. And I miss him. That too a lot. What we had was more than I could've ever asked for, our time together was special. Yet I still believe what happened was inevitable, and lord knows how deeply I wish it could've have been otherwise.
I regret putting us in a position where his light had a chance of diffusing into the sunlight, but over the past few days I come to affirm my belief that I will never regret allowing myself to have grown a habit of his brilliance.
I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt. It hurt a lot. I'd been accustomed to brightness for far too long and now, not even a single ray of warmth from him...it was an uncalled for change. Like I said, never will I regret it, I'm simply acknowledging the fact of the matters at hand. Maybe I'll work on my dependencies in the future.
Perhaps I became too attached, too quickly. It was a flaw I would attempt to correct though I believe it will never fully heal to proper. The attachment caused pain, but I wouldn't blame the light that escaped, as it had a destination of it's own. Who was I to hold it captive?
But I give it to my past, for dealing with such an emotional, reckless, confused young girl on her way to become a woman. She'll turn out right, I'm sure. But he, he'll forever be engraved on the road that would soon lead to her destination, as will the rest, as insignificant they might presume themselves to be.
I'd left square one long ago, it was my decision. And today, I wasn't going looking back. Their luminosity will be missed, but I'll learn to walk in the dark. I thank circumstances for teaching me this vital skill of survival.
It could only get brighter.
Anupamaa
Financial markets and global economy
