Smitar's: Loving Khushi#4 link to #5 on Pg 1 - Page 29

Originally posted by: rulama

Smita,😊

Here is the interpretation to Part 10.

This update is about a state of suspense , a state of apprehension. It is ON TENTERHOOKS.

As Khushi woke in the morning, it was to see her Arnavji looking down at her with a gentle smile on his face mirroring his pleasant thoughts. He was an enigma! She was anxious as she knew not what to do, what to say, what to make out, seeing his volte-face. She now had an addled mind unable to think clearly. She was all avid to know why a man who had pursued her relentlessly for the past few days, not leaving any opportunity go by without letting her know how much he wanted her, how much he needed her, how much she meant to him, was now staying with her without consummating their marriage even on their wedding night! She was at a loss. Now they officially had a suhaag raat that was not one at all! She was bothered what she was to do. She was perplexed by his behaviour. And adding to her confusion was her need to have a suhaag raat, even when she was determined to leave in four days time. That had put her in a dilemma. Her already muddled brain was now in a stew. Her heart wanted to consummate their marriage but her mind told her that it was not preferable and she needed to get out in four days. It was a battle that had been raging inside her, each gaining an upper hand at one time or the other, only to result in status quo later and have her keyed-up. It was taxing her and to keep her sanity intact she got up from the bed, determined to be businesslike.

But she need not have bothered. For Arnav was not going in for any hanky-panky that day. He urged her to get up quickly as they had a lot to do by the end of the day! As a confounded Khushi frowned and asked meekly, they do?, he hurried her by pulling her out of the bed, shoving her into the bathroom and closing the door asking her, to get ready as soon as possible leaving her nonplussed. A puzzled Khushi stared at her reflection in the mirror. She was Khushi Kumari Gupta, no, no, Khushi Arnav Singh Raizada, was not she? Last evening was her wedding. Was it not? Then what was happening? She was troubled and at her wits end unable to comprehend. As she pondered looking at her reflection for some answers, she heard an impatient Arnav yell, to come out quickly, making her shout back, that she would as soon as she could.

That evening, it was a bamboozled Khushi who walked in, fatigued beyond belief. Being dead beat, her wobbly legs threatened to give away while her arms toted carry bags. Arnav followed her with a happy and contented look and with a sunny disposition explained to his family gathered in the living room, that he had taken Khushi shopping. She was breathless and wondered, whether that was shopping? Was that what traipsing all over Delhi was called? It felt more like an expedition, for he had not left any place in Delhi unexplored, while she winced as she climbed up the stairs. He had tugged her along and plunged in a headlong tour of all the tourist attractions, restaurants, shops without a respite. She had felt that as though she had been tossed in a whirlwind, and mystified as to what had caused this sudden spurt of interest to see around Delhi with her! Feeling weary and grimy, after all the trotting around, Khushi dumped the carry bags in their room and grabbing a pair of her home wear and a towel, pushing her erratic legs trudged towards bathroom, for a soothing shower. Once done, she plopped on to the bed. Seeing her Arnavji had not come in yet, anxiously waiting for him she thought to herself, how could he come so early if he was regaling his family with their activity of the day? They had packed in so much in a day that could take him hours together to furnish them with bare outline, forget about the details! As those thoughts poured in, exhaustion overtook; her lids drooped and were soon lulled into the arms of the Morpheus.

Arnav who had impatiently waited for her to drift off to sleep, entered in after a while. Sitting by her on the bed, smoothing over a willful lock of tress that had slipped from behind that lay caressing her cheek and eagerly tucked it behind her ears. Then he huddled her close to his heart, basking in the warmth. He had set out deliberately to tire her out and had to do it for four more days. Looking at the clock hung in the room, disquieted, he corrected himself; it was for three more days. He had to do it, so that when she takes any decision it was with a clear head. She had to decide whether to stay with him or not, without any misgiving.

He thought uneasily, that had meddled with almost everything with her, except her innocence and that, he would not do even if it meant punishing himself. She was like a flower waiting to bloom and that blossoming had to come from within her, in her own time. Though on edge, he still thought, it had to be her decision with clear mind and conscience that held not even a small whiff of dark cloud in any nook and cranny, enabling her to come to him with both heart and mind in tandem, all set to embark on their life journey together. It should not be due to any compulsions. It should not be the result of being swayed by her sensual pleasures or by being introduced to her own sexuality. It should not be because she felt compelled to be a good wife and stay with her husband but should be because she wanted to and of her own free will. It had to be because she felt her need and not just his need. It should be because she felt that without him there was nothing for her to draw breath from.

He wondered apprehensively, as to what would be her decision in three days time? Would she leave him for Buaji's house? Or would she realize that her life was with him and she would never be able to leave him behind where ever she went? Will she realize that wherever she went, she would always carry him with her, with his image etched in her? Would she realize that she would never be able to distance herself from him when he already resides in her heart? The question will she stay back or will she opt to go to Buaji's house, left him foreboding, kept bouncing to and fro in his head. It held him on tenterhooks.

Though fearful, he tried to calm himself saying, that it was alright, even if she went, for Buaji's house was just a few kilometers away. He could see her daily, speak to her and a couple of days of sleeping separately, being away from one another was bound to make her realize how much she loved him and how much he loved her. Once she realizes it, she would call him and tell that she misses him badly and he would enthusiastically rush over to Laxmi Nagar and carry her off. Then, they could go on a long idyllic honeymoon. These thoughts comforted him, giving him hope and made a smile breakout on his face as he looked at the innocence of the sleeping face. Kissing her cheeks, breathing in her jasmine aroma, he promised his Sleeping Beauty expectantly that he would wait for her. Wait for her to come to him of her own free will. He was keeping his fingers crossed to know what was to happen. He was on tenterhooks.

In this update both are on tenterhooks.

Khushi is on tenterhooks not knowing why Arnav is behaving so and not knowing what she really wants.

Arnav is on tenterhooks with nervousness of not knowing what will be Khushi's decision and how it would shape their future, though he now has immense faith in his love for her and her love for him.

"You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving"

~ Amy Carmichael

That is why this is titled ON TENTERHOOKS.

That's it from me. Hope you enjoy it.

Arnav is so Cute !!!!

Smita,😊

Here is the interpretation to Section A of Part 11.

This update is effect, an unintended unwelcome consequence occurring sometime after the action, REPURCUSSION.

As Khushi was drying her wet hair, Arnav who was supposed to be working on his laptop, was indulging in quick glances at Khushi. As she swung her wet hair over her shoulders, it fell on her in a wave causing a couple of water drops to fall on Arnav's face. He looked at her, bewitched by her beauty. As he was engrossed in the beauteous scene in front of him, of the fair maiden who was his wife, looking as fresh as dew, he was brought down to earth by the shrill ring of the phone. Arnav, watching Khushi answer the call, felt her face go pale and utter, yes and thank you at regular intervals. A sense of foreboding ran through him, sending a shiver down his spine. Once she finished her call, Arnav asked, what happened Khushi, only to hear her mutter, that, and continue after a pause as though gaining confidence to say, that she had applied for a few jobs and stop at that. Arnav recoiled to hear it and his face lost its colour as he heard her explain that she wanted to work after the 15^th. So, she had sent in an application early. Arnav could not reply as it was fallout of his own doing. He felt as though a stone was stuck in his throat. Khushi looking away from his face told that one of them had called to say that the job was hers. Arnav wanted to tell her something but just did not know what to say. The contract that he had made her sign and his promise to her to let her go after the marriage was ricocheting.

Khushi looking at his books placed in the built-in shelf, finally told him that the place where she got a call was from a school with children... and tailed off. As Arnav asked, whether she was going to work in a school, Khushi whispered, yes. He asked Khushi haltingly, what she would teach there, knowing well her educational qualifications were insufficient for her to take up a teaching post. Giving him a dry smile, she told him that she was not going to teach anyone. It was a girls' boarding school and she was going to cook in their kitchen for them. Arnav was dumbstruck to hear it. He was stunned beyond words and finally, in a desperate bid he offered her a job saying, if she wants to work, she could always work in his office. Khushi with a sweet smile rejected it saying that she had enough of it the last time. But her smile did not take away the sting of her words. His behavior when she worked, his antagonism towards her then, the way his subordinates treated her then all bounced back at him.

Arnav frowned wondering, which Delhi school was she going to work in? In all probability he might know the owners or the trustees, or they knew of him. Maybe he could smooth the way for her if she was determined to take up the job. Thinking so he asked her as to, which school it was. When she said that, it was Mangaldas Memorial School, he frowned thinking that he had never heard of it and was there really such a school in Delhi, or was Khushi being taken for a ride? When he doubtfully voiced out that, he had never even heard the name of such a school and was she sure? She answered that, she was sure and it was run by Girija Deviji. Arnav wondered who that lady was. Why on earth did she start a school and make his wife go away from him? Arnav, getting ready to jot down the address on his note pad asked her, to give him the address so that he could get it checked by Aman. Khushi agreed, thinking that it was better that he got the feedback that way than to explain the fact that, the school was a well reputed one and known in her circle and Girija Deviji was a person of good standing in the society and was known for her work in the field of women's education. So, thinking she gave him the address in one breath as, Mangaldas Memorial School, Shahid Bhagat Singh Road, Shivdaspur, Varanasi, Uttar Pradesh, India.

Hearing the address, the pen he was holding fell to the ground. It echoed as though it was a missile that exploded in the silence of the room. He stared at her, feeling all his hopes go down the drain. The spin-off of not listening to his heart but thinking that his mind was correct was Khushi getting distant and distant like a bright comet going away from the sun. The sequel of the first marriage, the contract marriage, was not at all to his liking. Finally, when he managed to utter, Varanasi... Benares... that was reverberating in his mind and she affirmed, he repeated unable to believe his ears that she was going to Varnasi. She re-affirmed it and explained the side-effects of their contract wedding. She could not stay forever in Buaji's house. People would start asking her Amma and Buaji, why she was not staying with her husband. Arnav was silent staring at her while his mind went reeling. She told him that their relatives from Lucknow had attended Jiji's marriage and they knew she too had got married... Her voice faltered saying so. Arnav felt as though his heart was being squeezed tightly. She told him that, if she goes to Lucknow, all will enquire where her husband was and they will call Buaji and ask why she was working at Lucknow while her husband was in Delhi. She could not become the cause for friction and shame for her family. Unable to show him her pain she looked away. She told him that, not wanting to trouble her family any more, she had decided to go to Varnasi, an unknown place, as they had no relatives there. The outcome of his anger would be, she and her family becoming the laughing stock and their hard earned respect would be in shreds. This she wanted to avoid and that was reason enough for her to take up the job at Varnasi.

Arnav listening to her was filled with bitter remorse. He asked himself as to what had he done to her! He had thoughtlessly destroyed everything she held dear, her family, her peace, her security, her future... The backlash of his actions was that he had left her no options and made it impossible to live with dignity. If she had to live, it was to live away from her loved ones. Only then she would be able to make a niche of her own. His own actions were now in direct collision with his needs and necessity. No amount of self-recrimination was of any use. Though he was wallowing in the valley of despair and contrition, her words cut through the mist he was covered in. Khushi, trying to keep up a cheerful and a care-free voice told him, that she had wanted a job that could give her a safe place to stay, a reasonable salary, so that she could send some money to her family. That was the reason she had applied to this post at that boarding school. It was safe and the candidate hired as a helper for the main cook had to stay in the premises was the requirement. The job entailed free boarding and lodging. Arnav could not move his eyes away from her face, for when he and her family would be under the safety of a roof over their heads and having a meal, she had to break her back over a stove. Khushi, his wife, the wife of the business tycoon was going to do a job with a salary that amounted to tuppence when compared to his wealth! All his words and digs at her as a gold-digger boomeranged on him. She continued to say that, even after having no previous experience at such a job, Girijaji had deemed it fit to give her the post as the esteemed lady had heard of her Babuji and their Satwik Mishtan Bhandar, for he was well-known in Lucknow and its surroundings for his honesty and the high quality of sweets he used to sell. Her simple statement that the clout of the simple man, her Babuji was standing in good stead by her, was making him feel ashamed for talking about aukaat, standing in the society,

Hearing her words, Arnav could only stare at her helplessly. Khushi smiled and said that Girija Devi wanted her to commence her job on the 16^th. So on 15^th morning she would go to Buaji's house and from there to Varanasi. Arnav stared at her, feeling kicked by his own stupid actions, his eyes stung with unshed tears. Though Khushi successfully kept on her smile, it was with a yeoman's effort. It was just her sense of perverseness that kept her smiling even when her heart was bleeding inside. Unable to keep silent anymore, Arnav filled with anguish, penitence, regret, guilt, self-reproach, in a low voice that was a mere whisper asked her, will she leave him and go? The very thing that he had feared was coming true. Fearing the very reason, he had married her in the first place was coming true. When he had opted for the contract marriage he had two options before him. He could keep her with him or could send Khushi away to an unknown place, away from Shyam and secure his Di's future. But even at that time he was not ready to part from her, lose her. He was also not ready to forgive her for his perceived wrong doing on her part. In the fear of losing her he had bound her to him with the contract. Now, when he was legally married, he was going to lose her. She was moving away from him. That was the irony and his deeds were backfiring on him. Now it is swimming upstream for Arnav Singh Raizada

That is why this update, where Arnav Singh Raizada, being made to recoil at the impact of his deeds is titled REPURCUSSION.

"We are free to choose our paths, but we can't choose the consequences that come with them"

~ Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens

That's it from me. Hope you enjoy it.

Smita,😊

Here is the interpretation to Section B of Part 11.

This update is about reasons, reasons that had not been taken into consideration but there being strong evidence than the previously accepted one, A FORTIORI.

Unable to keep silent anymore, Arnav filled with anguish, penitence, regret, guilt, self-reproach, in a low voice that was a mere whisper asked her, will she leave him and go? Hearing the pain in his voice and grief in his words, Khushi rushed to him and sank to the floor by his side. She caught hold of his hand and pressed his fingers in hers showing that for a certainty she does value him and his being with her. She pleaded with him, asking him not to think that she is moving away from him in anger. As he looked down into her honest eyes she tried to explain, pausing many times to collect her thoughts. She began giving her reasons saying, in the past one and a half years primarily, she does not even know what was happening in her life. Clutching her head with both the hands, she said, it had been caught up in an unstoppable juggernaut. The last thing she remembers as taking her own decision in her life was, to wear the pearl jhumkas with the green lehenga for her Jiji's marriage. Feeling helpless, she looked at him and said, after that her life went out of her hands. She lost control over everything. It was like she had got on to a roller coaster and it was a rough ride. Her life just went out of her control and she was steam rolled into doing things that she certainly had never even dreamed off.

Leaning her head against his knee, she smiled and said above all she remembers, ladies' dancing with zest, Buaji singing in full throttle, while her Jiji was getting dressed and she helping her. The smile slowly faded when she recollected what happened next. Then, they heard her Amma and Babuji talking about the new demand for more dowry, consequently Babuji's decision to pawn their Satwik Mishtan Bhandar, leading to Amma's anxiety, Jiji's tears... Tears choked her throat as she recalled the events that changed the course of her life. Arnav feeling her panic and helplessness placed his hand on her head, in an attempt to comfort her. She told him that hearing their talk she had panicked; it was like the sky falling on her head. But it was paramount not show it to her Jiji. What would Jiji do if her Khushi became upset when Khushi was her strength, her pillar to lean on, one person she could depend on? So Khushi particularly, could not afford to be seen upset. Khushi had to put on a smile always and find a solution to all the problems. So, like always, she had to find a way that time too. As tears pooled in her eyes, Arnav tried hard to blink back his own. Her arms wrapped round his legs, hugging it close to her heart as though it was her tower of strength.

Accordingly, she did the only thing that she could think off and taking the milk scooter, rode to Sheesh Mahal to set things right for her Jiji, even though she could not ride that scooter well, even though she was not aware of what she was going to tell when she met the groom. But like everything else on that day things turned out differently! Someone pushed her on to the stage... Khushi paused and looked at his face and told him that, then, she met him. And that was the moment that her life that was comparatively calm and placid was kicked awaken and began hurtling forward at a tremendous unthinkable speed down the steep hill. It was like being thrown into her doom with the speed ever increasing. It had scared her. As she recalled, a tear slipped down her cheeks, only to be wiped by Arnav with the pad of his finger. She told him, from that moment to this moment, she had no control over her life. So many things kept happening, one after the other that she was steamrolled and flattened by the weight of it ... Before she could deal with one problem, hundreds of problems poured on her from all directions till it mired her in it so much, that she could not make out whether she stood up or upside down, in main, she was at a loss not knowing what was happening at such breakneck speed. Arnav understood what she meant and nodded while thinking that, his blow hot blow cold behavior had not helped but had all the more increased her confusion, her panic, her problems... With his often change in ideas and behavior that were quick and frequent, she must have got one hell of a vibe, more than ever uncertain about what it really meant.

She confessed that, even if she wanted to she does not have a place to think or cry. Arnav unable to comprehend what she meant, frowned. Khushi told him that in Buaji's house, if she shuts the door and sit on her bedroom for a moment, Buaji, Amma, or Jiji would knock on the door. She did not have the luxury to be able to think quietly, or even shed tears in private. On Diwali night, when she had felt low and wanted the earth to open up and swallow her in, she had locked her room to cry. When the tears had just started to roll in, Buaji had hollered out and chastised. She had to give in and got engaged to Shyam. As she told him, he could infer the state of her mind, a mass of turbulence, clearly agitated. Arnav comforted her by patting her head, softly and silently, but he himself felt extremely unsettled realizing that she was being compelled by a stronger reason than what he had presumed. She looked into his eyes and told him that, she had been to the bathroom, to think in peace as to where she stood in her life, where she was, what was she doing, where her life was going. But before she could even evaluate herself, Buaji's knock had come about. Even in his house, though it is a huge mansion, it lacked privacy. There was not a nook or cranny where she could cry to her heart's content, except, the bathroom or maybe the cupboard, if she dumped out the things inside. Even the terrace, was always pervaded by someone or the other. If any member of the family was not there it would be Hari Prakashji hanging clothes to dry. If she sat in the bedroom, some one or the other would call her. The poolside, the living room, the kitchen all lack privacy, without giving her a moment of peace or quietness enough to contemplate... By inference, there is no space to think. Arnav nodded as he understood her dilemma. The word 'privacy' did not exist in the dictionary of the Raizadas'. He himself had that experience and had often felt like a specimen in a bottle. She told him her heartfelt feeling that she was tired, too tired to think of anything. She was tired of smiling, tired of pretending to be happy, tired of trying so hard to be everything to everybody, tired of living up to everybody's expectations, tired of disappointing everybody, tired of making everyone cry. Just plain tired, that was what she was. Thus, she wanted to go away, far away, where nobody knows Khushi, Khushi Kumari Gupta, Khushi Kumari Gupta Singh Raizada, or Khushi Arnav Singh Raizada's past. She wanted to go incognito, without any baggage, without any interference, without being held with emotional blackmail. She especially wanted just space, space to connect with her.

Khushi looking with earnest eyes into Arnav's eyes and said from the depths of her heart with profound despair, that she does not want to stay there anymore. She was tired of feeling like a third wheel, an outsider, and a burden. When Amma and Babuji adopted her, Babuji's mother was very angry and resented her presence amidst them. She grew up listening to her grumble about her, throwing curses at her, scolding her for everything under the sun. Every wrong thing was heaped on her head as her fault. It had been 14 years, and even now, she does not feel a sense of belonging neither in Laxmi Nagar nor in his house. For a certainty, she was tired of trying to make a space for herself. She was tired of standing outside and looking inside at other people being happy. She was tired of feeling detached at her unhappy circumstances. Over and above, she was fed up of stoic acceptances. Her words brought in a fresh bout of pain making him shut his eyes.

She told him that, she has to go away to enable herself, to find her own place where she belongs to. Still more, she wants to get in touch with herself, where she is and what she is, where she wants to be and what she wants to be. She wants to start afresh. She wants to think, cry, smile at will without having to use a mask to hide herself and have the face of a Smiling Buddha. Mainly, she wanted to know who the real Khushi was. What was she without her Jiji, Amma, Babuji, Buaji, him, and the family there? As Arnav moved by her words cupped her face, she told him that, she was twenty two years old, and other than the fact that she likes aloo and puri and loves her family, she knows very little about herself. She was scared. Scared that one day she would just dissolve into vapour and merge in to the wind, and even she would not know where she was and what she was. She needed to find her identity. She needed to be in peace with herself. She needed to find solace by herself. For she knew her inner strength was the only thing that could give her the required solution and that was the only thing that would stand by her. She also knew, that would help her to see her future path correctly. So, in order to have a future she needed to seek it. That, she could not do amidst all the clutter and people, as her thoughts were always crowded by them. It was like seeking to meditate in the Victoria Terminus. That was, all the more reason for her to go away.

While Arnav wiped her face dry of the tears that she had shed, she looked into his caramel eyes that had darkened, understanding the storm of pain and insecurity within her, she beseeched to let her go to Varnasi. Arnav nodded and agreed with her, that if she felt so, then she should go to Varnasi. In a soft and low voice he murmured, for a certainty, wherever she went she would have carried him in her heart, making Khushi look at him. She asked him, had they not met, had they not gone through the inferno together, does he think they would... they would...? and stopped short. Arnav completed her question saying, love each other so much? With a smile he stressed that, he thinks that for a still stronger reason, they still would have, but it was not essential for her to take his word for it. She has to take the chance to find out. As Khushi gave him a surprised look at hearing his words agreeing with her, he continued, that she should take up that job at Varnasi if she wants to and as it was a boarding school for girls, she would be safe in the school premises. Khushi was stumped by his answer, and he left her all the more wide eyed, when patting her cheek he asked her, to let him take her there and settle her in and then, he would explain everything to their families. They could keep in touch over the phone. Gathering her in his arms, taking in her sweet intoxicating perfume, lips savouring the softness, he whispered against her cheek, that he loves her and he knows that she loves him. He knows, that she would realize it too and come back to him. For that, he was ready to wait. When Khushi whispered back, what if she does not come back? Arnav with a small smile tugging his lips told her, then he would build a cottage near her window and spend his life looking at the piece of moon by that window, and try to quench his thirst from afar. Khushi nudging him in the stomach, mock censured by asking him to remember, that he is Arnav Singh Raizada, not a weakling like Devdas, making Arnav crack up and his mirth made her join him. What Arnav meant was by even greater force of logic and all the more so because of it with 'me-time', she would be able to find by herself, who she was and where she stood in her life. It would be as his other half, the better half and she stood incomplete without him as he would be. For, they were bound together for their lifetime and by marriage she was his ardhangini. But that, the meaning of the vows she took with him, she had to find it out by herself. Only then would she be able to satisfy both her heart as well as her mind and come to him.

That is why this is titled A FORTIORI, from a yet stronger reason.

"Someday everything will make perfect sense, so for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason"

~ John Mayer.

That's it from me. Hope you enjoy it.