Chapter 09: Children of the dark
"You are awfully distracted today." Arnav noted when she lost third game in the row. Turning his head away from the window he said, "Problem?"
Khushi looked at him distractedly. "I found out stuff about Akash," she said with a shrug. Arnav looked at her and motioned her to go on. "Did you know he was the country's leading psychiatrist?" She didn't keep her voice down.
"Sure I did. Like you I have plenty of resources to spare," he grinned sardonically. "After his wife and child were murdered he killed the man he believed had killed his family. Only, the man hadn't killed. He was a burglar who had chosen the target same as the murderer."
"Did you also know that the burglar was injured when Akash found him? He nursed that man back to health and then tortured and killed him." Khushi's voice dropped several notches. Seeing surprise reign on Arnav's face she knew that Arnav wasn't aware of this information before.
"That's sweet vengeance on the wrong guy," Arnav had the gall to look impressed. But he frowned when the answers didn't add up. "Akash snapped then?" He asked unable to fathom.
"It's assumed to be guilt driven megalomania which he doesn't seem to have recovered from," Khushi explained further. "Do you know who certified him insane?" She asked leaning on the table. Arnav shook his head and mimicked her action. "Dr. Jha."
Arnav leaned back and let out a chuckle. "And the good doctor and Akash were best friends." Khushi finished.
"Isn't there a conflict of interest in such cases?" Arnav mused idly.
"Who cares Arnav? Dr. Jha is very well known in this field and probably influenced the board of mental health experts to arrive at a conclusion similar to his." Khushi explained.
Arnav stared at her for several moments. "Are you saying Akash isn't really insane?" He asked softly. Khushi waited for a moment before shaking her head.
"There is something…odd about him. He has these episodes just to ensure that people around him don't forget he is insane. I had someone look at his records - all incidents have taken place when people are around or specifically: inmates. He is fine when he is amidst orderlies while being taken to solitary or to treatment. But during lunch and recreation time, he has episodes of anger bursts." Khushi pondered.
"But that's just it, isn't it? It's us people in the facility dressed similarly like him are the ones who are indirectly mocking him of his condition? He was a good man once and a successful one at that. After the death of his family he was reduced to what we are…that could be the stressor which pokes him whenever he sees us," Arnav argued.
In all honestly she believed Arnav's point of view was quite accurate. When Khushi didn't reply Arnav peered at her discreetly. "Maybe you are right Arnav. I am just…paranoid." She said unconvincingly. He decided not to push it any further.
"So…" Arnav trailed when Khushi fell silent. "What did you find out about me?" He asked fully knowing that they were playing a dangerous game.
"Wouldn't you like to find out?" She smiled cheekily at him her eyes alert.
Arnav laughed heartily and Khushi couldn't fathom if he was enjoying their little game or was genuinely tickled at that.
*****
"Can I eat some of your lunch?" Payal asked sitting next to Khushi. "These medicines are making me so hungry," she said drawing out the 'so'. Khushi didn't know how to respond to the girl who had recently slit her wrists. When Khushi didn't respond for moments Payal took a roti from Khushi's plate and cut them into several pieces. "You are quieter than usual today." She said.
"Why did you do it?" She asked Payal. It was the first time Khushi had broached the subject of Payal's suicide attempt. The patients weren't allowed to discuss such things but more than half didn't really know what was happening around them.
Payal chewed her food thoughtfully. "The sound of blood trickling down, the thick red liquid oozing out of your body makes you feel light: as if you are flying. You get drenched in its warmth and it makes your eyes droop. It flows out of you while you scramble to suck air in. There is darkness, a hole hidden amidst the bright lights. With passing moment that hole widens and starts consuming you. You embrace the darkness which is soothing, welcoming and most of all….non-confusing."
Khushi swallowed. She had fair clue about what Payal was on about but she had refused to accept that even for herself.
"But you wanted to come out of that darkness, yeah?" She asked.
Payal nodded. "I just wanted to spend some time with a frame of mind where light is light and dark is dark and there are no grey areas. The horizon of dark and light is merely a sliver of disbelief which can be easily overcome." She said turning to look at Khushi who was listening to her words carefully. "You know exactly what I am talking about, don't you?" Payal grinned.
Khushi maintained her face to be neutral but strangely she felt a compulsion to respond truthfully. She wondered if Dr. Jha's treatment was really getting into her or the medications were f**king with her brain.
"My sister and I used to play lot of games, Payal and one of them was to see how long one can stay under water. She always beat me in that one." Khushi replied. It took Payal several moments to cotton them together.
"Is that why you killed her - because she beat you in all your games?" Payal asked taking a bite of roti. Khushi whipped her head sharply to see Payal eating her lunch in pure nonchalance.
"Maybe." Khushi gave a wooly response and shoved down food down her throat to avoid choking on her own bile.
Tara wasn't anything like Payal. She was more complex than her and had a streak of brashness and disregard for the rules of morality and mortality that it boggled her mind often.
"I wonder why you never answer with affirmation," she heard Arnav say. She hadn't realized or seen him sitting nearby and listening in on their conversation.
"I answer just fine," Khushi said ignoring the blatant accusation in his words and dove into her food once more.
"Your answers are politically correct and weighed in. But when it comes to accusation you are facing, your answers are irrational, confounding and hazy. I am beginning to wonder if you really did it." He said clearly. "Because clearly, you are capable of it."
Khushi felt she couldn't breathe. She stared at him open mouthed for several seconds watching him eat his food looking at his plate calmly. He had no idea about the effect his words were having on him and she clutched her plate tightly. She relaxed immediately when she realized the situation she was in.
"I am insane after all," she shrugged. Somewhere in her heart she wanted Arnav to catch that obvious deceit and turn it against her by arguing otherwise. She wanted him to certify her stating that she was perfectly sane. But there were time, instances, when she doubted her own mind.
"You are very good in pretending that you are sane," Arnav said nonchalantly. Without waiting for a response, he took his emptied plate and walked away from the table.
Khushi sat there watching his retreating back. Her heart hammered in her chest when he ascertained what she didn't want to believe or even acknowledge. No, she wasn't insane. But she couldn't escape her reality which reflected instances of her life which no normal person would or could find interesting.
Like how she sat next to her sister with the murder weapon, scissors, in her hand without botheration that the blood was soaking her clothes. She had done the thing that her heart had dictated and now in retrospect, she knew that it had started all the trouble in first place.
It was all Tara's doing when she escalated their childhood game a notch.
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