Chapter 16: Mayhem in our hearts
They were way past exchanging small talk and gossip about common people but they did end up talking about old friends. Khushi made sure that she didn't bring up Akash as it would give birth to a string of confounded questions which Arnav didn't want to face right now. He showed her family portrait of Suman smiling at the memory of her children; he spoke about running into few friends in different parts of the country and certain times out of the country too. He had once again caught her palm and helped her cross the road and insisting on giving her a ride home saying that it was too hot. She didn't remind him that she was used to heat but accepted it without any argument.
She walked around the house in a dizzy spell of wind surrounding her and the weight on her shoulders as heavy as before but the talk with Arnav had made it bearable. There was added strength in her spine and strange calmness in her mind which she attributed to his presence.
She walked into kitchen where Garima was fluttering around and Pankaj sat on platform with feet dangling and talking mundane things. That's exactly what she had wanted from her life too; simplicity of relationship and an old love story. But there was a part of her which knew that it wasn't going to be easy for her. A cloud of angst constantly hovered above her head and the banal attraction towards foggy craziness which perpetually surrounded her.
She realized what had happened only when her nose revolted at foreign bodies entering its crevice and started to sneeze violently. A moment before she had bent down to pick up errant vegetable waste and her mother had deposited an entire bowl of atta on her head. Garima was the first one to laugh and Pankaj followed her almost immediately. A minute later, Payal had arrived in kitchen to investigate the root cause of such loud and boisterous laughter from her parents and she couldn't help but laugh at the sight.
"Here, let me help you," Payal said and started to dust off the lumps of flour. Khushi's sneezing abated a little as Payal wiped flour from her face using her veil. "Khushi, you need a bath. Come on," Payal guided her to their shared bathroom. "Dust still bugs you, huh?" Payal asked.
Khushi nodded making flour stuck on her head disperse around her and made her sneeze again.
"I am sorry to laugh but you look hilarious," Payal said chuckling.
Khushi had issues with watching where she was going and had an unhealthy dose of bruises, scrapes, scars and wounds on her always. She would hit on door or slip and fall or just slam her body to the wall et al. As a part of "How was your day?" conversation, Payal had a follow up. "Which part of the body today?"
"I hate dust allergy," Khushi grumbled as Payal gently pushed her to the bathroom. Khushi's eyes widened as Payal followed her inside.
"Why don't you take off your top and wash your face and hands while I get a stool for you to sit on. I will help you wash your hair." Payal didn't wait for a response and walked out of the bathroom closing the door behind her.
Khushi placed her hands on sink and held on to it tightly as if it was the only thing helping her afloat in an otherwise roaring sea. Her knuckles turned white and her lungs screamed at lack of oxygen as she held her breath and closed her eyes tightly. Payal's normalcy was supposed to come as a breath of fresh air but it had unknowingly crushed her ribs, reached out to her heart and squeezed it harshly.
They had experienced their share of sibling rivalry and heated arguments while growing up. After a while Payal would start behaving as if the said fight or argument never occurred. Her agony and her anger were always on simmer and definitely below surface. But she would make it a point to bring it up in future when both would have moved on and Khushi would have almost forgotten. Then, Payal would explain how she really felt. There were times when Khushi felt that there was a cold vengeful streak in her older sister but she couldn't bring herself to believe that; it was Payal's way of dealing with things.
No, Payal was simply making an effort to move on from this stalemate of bottled pain and pickled agony. It would be only a matter of time when she would open them again.
"Why are you standing like this?" Payal asked seeing Khushi bent over sink. Khushi snapped her head up and saw Payal closing the door behind her with a small plastic stool in her hand. Khushi unbuttoned her shirt and threw it in hamper and entered the shower stall.
"Stop it," Payal said looking at Khushi's vacant eyes. She was shampooing Khushi's hair and had noted how Khushi had unconsciously leaned towards Payal as if she was savoring the touch.
"Stop what?" Khushi whispered.
"You are over thinking what is going on now," Payal replied.
"No," Khushi protested strongly. When Payal didn't respond, she sighed. "Yes," she said feebly.
Payal didn't respond immediately.
"It was so easy to hate you..." Payal said softly. Khushi had to strain her ears to listen. "There was just confusion and agony the day you left. Ma and papa didn't know what was going on, actually none of knew what was going on but things had changed so much in those few hours. And after Dev died..." Payal stopped lathering Khushi's hair and stood still. Khushi knew that she was composing herself and willing herself not to cry. She gave Payal the space and sat quietly without uttering anything.
"After Dev died, I had to blame someone. I needed to blame someone to pour all my anger on. It was easy to use you to get distracted from the torment of my heart and divert all self-consuming ruckus my mind was creating. I would scream at you for hours till my voice was hoarse and heart empty. I would give way to darkness when it consumed me during exhaustion. It was wrong to blame you for Dev's death, I know, but...it was convenient." Payal began lathering Khushi's hair again while she recounted the past from an observer perspective.
"The hatred was so tangible, so seducing and overshadowed my own guilt. This hate for you made me forget that I had forced Dev to drive us to the farmhouse. If only I hadn't...if only we had left we left the city a little early or little late...if only we hadn't stopped for food...if only..." There was a hum settled between the siblings. Payal's soft voice was recreating the most agonizing moment of her life to Khushi - her younger sister and her best friend. Payal knew that she had to tell her everything not for Khushi's sake but for her own.
She had been waiting for closure for a long time now.
"However in my most lucid moments I cried for you." Payal's voice held sadness of half a decade and longing for the love of her life. Dev had been such a great guy and loved her so much that the tragedy of his loss couldn't have looked bitterer.
"I was comforted by my friends and family...we all had someone to hold on to no matter how broken the others were but we all ignored the fact that you were probably alone too. You would be alone, faraway and hurting for the pain you have caused. And not to mention the severity of your heartbreak..."
Khushi whirled around and hugged Payal's stomach and broke down sobbing. Unlike old times she let go of the tightness in her stomach and the constriction in her heart as she hugged Payal's waist tighter. They weren't silent sobs but heart wrenching and guttural sounding ones.
"I knew you weren't with Akash though few speculated. You love Arnav too much to leave him for some other man. I never believed that I never will." Payal said holding Khushi's face close to her stomach. Soap suds, water and tears made her clothes wet but she didn't care.
"I was so alone...so scared...and all alone..." Khushi hiccuped.
"I know," Payal said softly.
"But you are home now. I am here. We are all here. You aren't alone anymore." Payal said.
There would be time in coming days when she would be angry at her sister's choice all over again. She would fight with her, yell, argue, exchange heated words and shower her with her ire. But then she wouldn't be concentrating on the anger of her loss. She would be questioning her sister's choice and the thought process behind her decision.
For now, they both needed peace.
Next Chapter: Chapter 17, Evidence of things not seen
Hello everyone...hope your weekend is going well...
Have you ever had this moment where in you are completely drowned in chaos - be it midst of a wedding or a market where every vendor is yelling or a concert but for few moments you feel that everything is very quiet and complacent. Amidst chaos, you would feel momentary peace.
Comment and let me know!
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