Read it!!

I AM SO STUPID!

How could I have been so stupid?!?

Everyone else saw it coming... Midnight, Vix, Penguin, Emma... everyone, it seems, but me.

I feel like a total idiot.

So there I was, standing behind the counter at Heavenly, counting the minutes until I could go meet Mark when... and OMG I can't believe I didn't see this coming... the strange blonde girl walked in. Except instead of being timid this time, she walked straight up to me and said, "he loves me, get it?" and then just turned and walked out the door.

Without thinking, I ran around the counter and followed her. She seemed surprised that I would actually confront her... so surprised that she stopped, looked at me and said...

Her: What?

Me: What do you mean, what? You just walked into Heavenly said "he loves me, get it?" and walked out. Who ARE you?

Her: That's not important.

Me: (sarcastic) Listen, I know it's your favorite little weird, psycho game to walk into coffee shops and act all weird, but now you're involving me. What's your deal?

Her: (smirking) You might want to ask Mark about that.

And then... she turned and ran off, leaving me standing there, feeling sick and completely alone.

Oh Lilly... I fear that you're right!

After class I walked out and found Mark sitting in the quad. When he saw me, he turned away for a second, thought better of it, and turned back. He got up, walked over, and said, quite purposefully,
"I definitely think we have a few things to talk about tonight." I agreed, and we decided to meet at "our" cafe later in the evening. I have to work at Heavenly for a few hours this afternoon, so I won't really know the resolution to all of this until Iate tonight.

My stomach hurts.

and now... for the rest of the story about Halloween night...

After we finished with our parade duties, Scott and I met up with Chloe and June, who were hanging out on a corner with a bunch of friends from school. Not surprisingly, they both decided to wear outfits that totally fit their personalities. Chloe was dressed as an angel... all in white, with a very sparkly, very cute halo. June was a devil (no surprise there)... but more like a devil who doubles as as a stripper in her off-time. June's outfit was so skimpy that I almost felt like she needed a bodyguard to protect her from all of the scary, drooling men that were circling her like vultures.

When we got to the corner, I looked around for Mark... but I didn't see him anywhere. I checked my mobile and saw that I had missed three calls from him. I tried to listen to my voicemail, but I could barely hear anything because the noise from the street was so deafening. So, because I was (of course) desperate to hear what Mark had to say, I convinced Chloe to walk up the street with me to a find somewhere quieter. Three blocks later, I was listening to Mark's messages. I can't remember exactly how they went, but I'll try and remember because I know you'll ask:

Message #1: "Hey, hon, it's me... I'm on my way down to the Parade. See you at the end!"

Message #2: "Hey, it's me... wow... it's really packed down here. It might take me awhile to find June and Chloe."

Message #3: "Listen, babe... I can't find June and Chloe anywhere and June isn't answering her mobile. I've got a headache and I need to study so I'm going to head back. Have fun! I'll see you tomorrow night."

Needless to say, I was suuuuuper bummed and also kind of annoyed at June. She knows how confusing things have been with Mark lately... why couldn't she bother to check her mobile? When I told Chloe about the messages, she looked concerned. "It's kinda weird that he left," she finally said... and to be honest, I had to agree. Couldn't he have waited a little bit longer?

So, we walked back to the corner to check in with June and Scott. At first, we couldn't find either of them anywhere. Then, Chloe and I looked down the alley at exactly same time to discover... SCOTT AND JUNE MAKING OUT. For a moment I was super stunned and so was Chloe. Then we both looked at each other and just burst out laughing. Scott and June?!? Ohhhhkay. Then again, June does make out with everyone.

We all hung out and for awhile, and thankfully I was able to mostly get over the fact that Mark did not meet up with us. Most likely because I was completely thrown by the Scott/June thing. They totally held hands ALL night. It was really strange. I just can't see them together, you know, as a couple. They are completely opposite in every single way imaginable.

So I stopped thinking about Mark for awhile. But I guess he must have been on my mind, because I thought I saw him as we walked away from the parade route. Of course it wasn't him, it just looked like him, walking alongside a tall, thin, blonde girl dressed like Paris Hilton. (Costume of the year, apparently!) Chloe noticed the Mark lookalike too, but neither of us could really gauge from behind whether he actually was Mark. We both decided to just pass it off as not enough sleep and a little too much Halloween.

I think I need to get more rest, because I am definitely starting to see things.

I hope.

BTW, thanks for all your comments regarding Mark and the ring. I am reading everything you write and am definitely closer to making my decision thanks to your help. There were a few things about last night that linger in my mind, making me think I might know what I want to do... don't have time to talk about it now, but will soon.

(And hey... Shiny... thanks for always being so thoughtful with your comments, I really appreciate it!)

I have a bit of time before class this morning, so I finally have time to update you on last night's dinner with Mark. (!!)

Basically, we chatted about normal stuff (school, friends, weekend) through most of dinner. In a way, it was kind of frustrating because, let's face it, I didn't want to go on and on making small talk the entire time. So finally... I casually asked Mark why he had asked me to dinner a week in advance (last Sunday) and he suddenly got really nervous. He smiled and said, "just wait a second."

Two minutes later, the waiter came over with a dessert... some sort of chocolate cake thing. I was a little confused, because we hadn't ordered any dessert. When he set the plate down, I noticed something else... a small, red box. I looked at Mark with a confused expression on my face and he just smiled again and said nothing.

So (of course) I opened the box.

Inside was a simple yet elegant silver ring.(It turned out to be white gold, but I couldn't tell at that point). I took it out and looked at it for a long moment. On the inside of the band were the words... "never far apart when I look inside my heart." I could feel my heart beating ridiculously fast in my chest as I read the words and stared at the ring. The conversation went something like this:

Mark: So... I know my going away is a big deal. I'm going to be gone for six months, which I'm sure seems like a pretty long time.

Me: (totally dumbstruck) Yes.

Mark: And while I have only been seeing you for a few months, I feel a strong connection with you.

Me: (tongue-tied) Yes.

Mark: So here's the thing... that ring...

Me: (mouth dry) Yes?

Mark: It's not an engagement ring. (nervous laugh) If that's what you were thinking.

(Of course that's what I was thinking. Wouldn't you have been thinking the same thing? To be honest, I was a bit relieved because I am wayyyyyyyy too young to get engaged!!!!)

Mark: It's more of a promise ring. As in... and I know we've never really discussed this... but I want you to be my girlfriend. I want us to make this work. I know this last week has been rough... but the whole situation has helped me realize how much I love having you in my life. We can make this work... I'll come visit, you'll come visit. Six months will be over before you know it.

To be honest, I kind of missed the rest of what he said because my mind was racing. I was about to say something when he said...

Mark: Look, I know this is a big decision. Think about it, okay? Let me know at the Halloween Parade on Tuesday.

And so... I have a couple of days to think about things. Obviously my intial instinct is to say yes! yes! yes! But... I agree with some of your thoughts on this subject... long distance isn't always the best thing. How do I know if we'll work out? I am only twenty-one-years-old... do I really need to tie myself down with something so serious? What if he meets some girl in England?

The ring is sitting on top of my desk right now, still in the box. I am going to call my Grandma Rose later tonight... she always knows the right thing to do... she helps remind me of the bigger picture. I hope that I grow up to be even half of who she has become. She's amazing!

Anyways, thanks for listening. It feels good to tell someone all of this. It may seem small and unimportant to you... but all of this is a big deal to me.

First of all... I'm sorry I haven't written until now... last night was one of the longest nights of my life. I don't think I even got to bed before four in the morning, which is really unlike me. There is so much to say, I don't even know where to start. To be honest, I would like to forget about everything as soon as I finish writing this post.

1. Mark never called me back. I checked my mobile for messages so many times that June, in her drunken state, took my phone from me and threw it over the balcony. She's taking me to get a new one later this afternoon.

2. Twelve other girls came as Paris Hilton, which made me feel kinda silly. I should have gone as the dead bride- at least that would have been original. My Paris costume was the best though, because I decided to follow Gort's suggestion of carrying a stuffed chihuahua in my purse. Everyone agreed that was the right touch.

3. Since I was bummed about Mark, I ended up flirting with a guy from my IR class, which was a huge mistake because now he thinks I want to go out on a date with him. I didn't do anything but talk to him, but June said I was giving him "that look." I am not sure what "that look" is, but I am totally embarrassed. I think I just wanted to feel like someone else thought I was attractive at that moment. I must have been channeling my inner Paris Hilton or something.

4. June got so drunk that she started dancing on one of the coffee tables. Problem is, the coffee table couldn't support her weight, so June fell through and ended up with this huge gash in her forehead. I spent most of the early morning with her at the emergency room, where she got five stitches. And, ever so June-like, she managed to score a date with one of the ER residents.

In total, the night is going to seriously cost June... $150 for my new mobile and $200 to replace the coffee table she broke. (She's lucky the table wasn't that nice!)

As for me, I feel bad because I shouldn't have been flirting with anyone, especially since I was just doing it to get attention. Also, I don't understand why Mark didn't call back.

Oh wait... my home phone's ringing... maybe it's him!

... went straight to voicemail. :(

I left him a message.

So... okay, Emma and everyone else... I'll invite Mark to the party :)

I'm on my way back from my lesson with Scott, but I think I can call in between subway stops. I have a lot to tell you about my lesson BTW. Turns out big things are happening in Scott's world as well! I think there must be something crazy in the universe going on right now... everyone is going through such big changes. My grandmother Rose always says that the universe is in control of our destiny... we just need to pay attention.

Anyhow, I'll call and invite him right now... :) June might be mad, though, cuz she was thinking this was going to be a girl's night out. Oh well... she'll get over it!!!

Sorry to have waited so long to write... I have a lot to think about. It's Saturday morning and I'm still going over everything that happened at the cafe last night.

When I first saw Mark, I just felt this rush of... attraction? Interest? Love? Fear? I don't know how to explain all of the feelings I had at that moment. He walked over to me and gave me the longest hug. For some strange reason, I just started to cry. Maybe it's just the stress of the past few days or maybe I'm just being overly "girly." I hate crying in front of anyone... especially without waterproof mascara. I had to go to the bathroom and clean up before we could sit down. How embarrassing is that?!? :(

We both ordered some desserts but neither of us even took a bite. There was this huge, ENDLESS silence and then Mark apologized. Seriously, it was the first thing he said. "Sorry for not telling you about Oxford. I wasn't sure I was going to get in. When I found out a few days ago, I didn't know how to tell you." I listened, mostly, as he went on about the semester, how we can make things work long distance if we try, and how he really misses talking to me every day. Of course, we kissed and made up... the best part of any fight if you ask me.

But the thing is... I'm just not sure. Something is bothering me about how Mark has been acting lately. I think I just some time to mull things over. I'm glad June and I are going to a party tonight... it will definitely take my mind off of everything. Plus, I have my guitar lesson with Scott in a couple of hours, so that will be a nice distraction. Mark and I are still having dinner Sunday night, so I'll put more thought into the situation then.

More later... I'll tell you about the Halloween costume I'm wearing tonight!

just saw your note of encouragement, Ally. Thanks so much. I'm heading over to the cafe right now!

So... I've decided to listen to everyone's advice (thank you so much for caring!) After work, I am going to meet up with Mark. It's already late (after nine) and I'm exhausted. The weird blonde girl didn't come by today... though someone mentioned that she had been by the day before and had left within five minutes. Very odd behavior, considering she always sticks around for at least an hour. Maybe she's getting sick of us.

Mark and I are meeting at a little cafe called Red Den, which is located almost exactly between my dorm and his apartment. I am starving, but I don't think I'll be able to eat. I feel like we're becoming very neutral and this disturbs me. I just feel so sick about all of this and very, very confused.

BUT... I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt before I jump to any conclusions. Okay, before I jump to any more conclusions.

Mark's text says he wants to meet up later tonight to talk about "what I've heard." Should I go?

I'm on a break at work and wanted to just vent some of the things I am feeling right now. So, basically what I said before is true: Mark has been accepted to go overseas to study for a semester at Oxford. Both he and Chloe leave right after Christmas break and won't return until next summer. Besides the oh-so obvious fact that I am completely bummed that he is leaving, I can't help but feel a little bit... upset? annoyed? bothered? by the fact that he never even told me that he applied. This seems like a pretty big thing to avoid talking about for the last few months. I remember when Chloe applied... it was like the middle of July (!).

I think Mark tried to catch my attention after class, but I was running late and didn't really feel like talking just yet. Wait... hold on... he just sent me a text.

I only have five minutes to type so I am typing as fast as I can before I go to my next class so please ignore punctuation and spelling because I am in the biggest hurry! I met Chloe before class and she had this terrible look on her face and honestly I thought she was going to vomit on her new white shoes and then she said the worst possible thing ever. The other student that is going to Oxford for the semester is MARK. My MARK. She found out last night and tried to call me but my phone was off while I was studying and then I didn't call her back because I was playing games and not calling anyone. Stupid stupid stupid! I sat in class and couldn't even look at mark. He's got to think that I might know and… ahhh! I have to get to class. I will write more during my break at heavenly tonight. THIS SUCKS!!!

Mark called this morning, as promised. We chatted for just a sec... but it made me feel so much better about everything. We're still planning on going out Sunday night.

By the way, Snowflake... thanks for the advice. I plan on being a little more open with Mark on Sunday when we meet up. I don't know if I agree with Max that he's "probably cheating on me" but I definitely don't want to be with someone who might be seeing someone else! I'll pay attention to what he says at dinner and see if I pick up anything out of the ordinary.

Off to class ?

I blew off June and didn't try on Halloween costumes. I still don't know what I want to be, but really... I have more important things on my mind. Instead of hanging out with her, I went over to Mark's to find out why he has suddenly disappeared.

I have to be honest... I was reeeeeeally nervous when I showed up at the door of his apartment. His roommate Craig answered the door and seemed surprised to see me. A couple of minutes later, Mark appeared, looking really tired and almost kind of... sad. He gave me a hug and told me that he has a lot going on right now and has missed talking with me. That made me feel better... but... here's the weird thing... he didn't invite me in. He said he was going to bed and would call me tomorrow morning. I thought he'd at least want to hang out for a bit. Then again, I did show up unannounced.

So... I guess I feel a little bit better, but to tell you the truth... not that much better. I'm going to go to bed and hope that I feel a little less insecure in the morning.

Okay... so I just read Caroline's comment and I totally think she's right. If I see him face to face I know I will feel infinitely better. Besides... he lives right down the street from me... I could just pop in, right? I'm going to do it. I'm a girl on a mission.

I woke up this morning in a great mood. I had an amazing dream about California and visiting my family... okay, okay... so there were hot lifeguards involved... it wasn't like I was just sitting around having a nice pot roast with Mom and Dad, but... it felt nice to be home... even though I wasn't.

So... thanks for your comments and well wishes. I know that he'll call (they always do, right?) but I hate the waiting part of everything. I woke up really early this morning because I couldn't sleep and decided to study for the past two hours. I'm going to leave my mobile at home today so that I'm not constantly checking it. Maybe when I get home, there will be a message. Who knows. I'm at Heavenly all afternoon, so I won't be able to check until later.

Cross your fingers.

...he still hasn't called me back and it's 11:23 p.m. He usually goes to sleep at eleven, which means... he's not going to call tonight.

I hope that I'm able to sleep.

Okay. I know I shouldn't be worried about this, but I haven't talked with Mark since our conversation on Sunday. I know, I know, it has only been two days, but we usually talk every morning before class and every night before we go to sleep. Pretty cheesy, but to be honest, I love it. It makes me feel special. Well, this morning, I was actually late to class because I kept waiting for my cell to ring and for Mark's face to appear on my phone.

Nothing.

I was antsy all day, waiting for him to call. I hardly listen to Chloe when she told me about the hot guy in her International Law class who might ask her out. I don't think I even ate anything. When I got back to my room, I finally gave in and called him. The phone rang twice and then went to voicemail. With my phone, that's what happens when I hit the "ignore" button, which makes me feel sick to my stomach because... what if he's ignoring me?

Mark called last night… he wants to go out on Sunday night. I was confused, at first… then he said he meant next Sunday. I was a little thrown… he never makes plans with me a week in advance. Maybe this is something really special. I can't think of what, though. We haven't been dating long enough for something like, say, engagement.

I can't believe I just wrote that.

I am such a girl.

I need to stop watching chick flicks.