ETT Lessons: 10 things NOT to do as a spy

New Delhi: Salman Khan must be entirely spent, smashing records and minting money from his spy caper 'Ek Tha Tiger'. Known as 'bhai' to legions of devotees, Khan has carried on his beefy shoulders the burden of films that were remarkably low on the IQ but packed with goofiness. And now 'Ek Tha Tiger' is not only a hit, it's a massively successful film that is already snapping at the heels of '3 Idiots', the most successful movie ever made.

If you've seen 'Agent Vinod' this year, you will realize that the basic premise of both the films are similar; a government agent on a mission at exotic foreign locations, sipping cocktails, living the good life with pretty women and making slow love to a Kalashnikov.

Last heard, the Research and Analysis Wing (RAW) of the government is not rushing to set up recruiting booths outside cinema theatres yet, but seriously, some of the stuff Khan does in the film is potent enough to get you killed if you are a spy on covert op.

Usually, it's a given that if there is Bhai in a film, there will be upper body nudity and anti-gravity combat, end of discussion. By comparison, 'Tiger' was actually a break from the excesses associated with recent Khan films such as 'Dabangg', 'Ready' and 'Bodyguard'. The man actually shows some restraint here.

But Khan, playing Tiger, has to be the world's most clunky secret agent. He's as subtle as a sledgehammer. Here are 10 lessons that will probably save your life if you are planning to apply for RAW, inspired by Agent Tiger.

1. For a spy, stealth is strength. Charging through a crowded market in Iraq like a bull in heat, chasing a double agent, will get you killed quicker than you can say Research and Analysis Wing of the Government of India.

2. Don't make a ceremony of taking milk from the milkman every morning, flaunting your muscles, looking around suspiciously - you've seen too many Hollywood spy films. If you want to draw attention to yourself, it will be easier to paint a big, red skull on your front door.

3. Don't romance a girl on a mission, or at least check her background. For heaven's sake, where's your training? Thirty-three years of trudging through muck, the first pretty girl you see, you fall head over heels in love and take her out to see the meteor showers. Corny. Also, don't spend time and energy establishing an alias for a job that simply needs an open window.

4.You want to let a city know that you have arrived? Go stomping through it like Hulk, smashing people's skulls and stopping trams with your jacket.

5. A reconnaissance mission DOES NOT mean sitting in front of the target's house in a park bench and staring at it. Neither does it mean harassing target to death (although, come to think of it, that might do the job), following him around everywhere like an annoying first crush, trying to befriend him as he cycles to work. Once inside his home, don't wait forever to copy his hard drive, wasting time romancing a woman you've met just three days ago.

6. When in serious trouble, your six pack abs and killer smile will not save your life. Keep a gun. Also, while you are whiling away time dancing on the streets and attending the social events of Dublin with your girlfriend, your target might have left the country with the incriminating evidence.

7. When you go out with a woman, for heaven's sake don't have a fellow secret agent sitting across from you in another table under a hood like a frat boy. It's downright ridiculous.

8. If you are an ISI or a RAW agent with access to data that can potentially harm your respective organisations, skip the UN conventions even if they have a great eat-all-you-can buffet. If you attend one, don't make a spectacle of yourself trying to dance with an agent from a rival country at the ball. This might not get you killed but it sure as hell will get you fired.

9. Don't withdraw over Rs 20 lakh from an ATM at one time. (Is that even possible?) Great. Now you've a left a paper trail the size of a toilet roll.

10. If you are going to kill a man in a street fight, that bleeping thing overhead is a security camera. Seriously, look up. Your disguise should be such that it doesn't draw attention to yourself and not leave you looking like a recovering hippie.