You've Got Mail- 09/01/15- The Co-Written Harry Potter Special- Pg 117 - Page 56

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From: Singh Raizada, Khushi
To: Raizada, Manorama
Subject: Help

The advice you gave me? To pretend like I didn't even know what it was in order to avoid it is starting to unravel at the seams Maamiji. I know it helped you out for the first 10 years of your marriage but Arnavji is a little more- how to say this- pro-active than Mamaji (also, Arnavji's business trips seem to be significantly shorter than the eight month absences Mamaji frequents).

What do I do?

Impatiently awaiting your advice,

Khushi

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From: Raizada, Manorama
To: Singh Raizada, Khushi
Subject: Step Two

Sadly, this requires compromise. And by compromise I mean surrender.

You need to give him an Aakash.

Then you're free to hold that card against him for the remainder of your married life. I certainly do.

And I'm not sure. He seems to spend a lot of time in Amsterdam these days...

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From: Singh Raizada, Khushi
To: Raizada, Manorama
Subject: An Aakash?

I need to give him a bespectacled pushover?

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From: Raizada, Manorama
To: Singh Raizada, Khushi
Subject: No

You don't have the genes for that. I'm just lucky.

Just give in. Once. Then that's it forever.

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From: Singh Raizada, Khushi
To: Raizada, Payal
Subject: You

Your nightgowns suck.
Your saas sucks more.

And I got the better brother.

Neener-neener.

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From: Raizada, Payal
To: Singh Raizada, Khushi
Subject: You Got The Better Brother?

I'm waiting for the Bazinga.

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From: Raizada, Anjali
To: Mathur, Aman
Subject: The Rooster

He has escaped from the coop leaving the hens undefended.

The other hens have gone to roam the yonder for two days.

The goat-guards have taken the goat for a walk.

I think it is time for you to come and 'fix Arnav's room' now.

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From: Mathur, Aman
To: Raizada, Anjali
Subject: Message Received

On my way to the farmyard to come and keep the lone hen happy.

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From: Raizada, Anjali
To: Mathur, Aman
Subject: Farmyard

The lone hen will be waiting for you by our tree.

I love that tree.

Remember when people thought I was actually talking to a tree?

Or even worse- that creepy Constipated Cobra?

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From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Raizada, Dhruv
Subject: Where Are You?

I'm waiting in your foyer with my meat cleaver.

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From: Raizada, Dhruv
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Subject: I Thought You Might Say Something Like That

So I have a little surprise for you.

Might take your mind off things somewhat.

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From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Raizada, Dhruv
Subject: Nothing

I repeat. Literally, nothing would take my mind off of this.

Except perhaps selecting my weapon of choice.

Tell me, which hurts more- being hacked to death or pummeled?

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From: Raizada, Dhruv
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Subject: Serious Question

Hacked to death vs. being pummeled to death? Or just a casual pummeling?

Because you punch like a girl so pummeling me till I was dead would take you about fifty years.

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From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Raizada, Dhruv
Subject: 50 Years

I would enjoy every second.

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From: Raizada, Dhruv
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Subject: You Might

But my new wife won't.

Yeah.

That's right.

I got married.

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From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Raizada, Dhruv
Subject: You Getting Married

Not possible.

Nobody could be that stupid.

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From: Raizada, Dhruv
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Subject: Yes They Could

I simply took a leaf out of your book, dear cousin.

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From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Raizada, Dhruv
Subject: My Book?

You mean you threatened to break her sister's wedding and destroy her life if she refused?

Class act, Dhruv. Class act.

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From: Raizada, Dhruv
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Subject: Is THAT What You Did?

You disgust me and make me want to be sick on your face.

Then the stomach acid would burn your eyes and you'd have to hack/ pummel me blind. Hopefully you'd trip over one of the inconveniently placed decorative floor vases and end up impaling yourself, you blackmailing bast.

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From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Raizada, Dhruv
Subject: STOP

I WALKED MY PATH TO REDEMPTION, OKAY?

I rebuilt bridges. I redid old memories. I EVEN apologised. It's not MY fault if an external viewer who may or may not be watching my life playing out on a screen thinks my attempts were lackluster or that I was tired. I was spending most of my energy trying NOT to jump my wife and applying copious amounts of oil to my hair- Grease style.

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From: Raizada, Dhruv
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Subject: Your On-Screen Life

Who in all seriousness would watch that?

You're a massive dick... Every woman alive would absolutely despise you.

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From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Raizada, Dhruv
Subject: You'd Think So...

But you forget.

I look like this:

You'd be surprised what women are willing to forgive when it's done by a man who looks like that.

Back to the point though, who is this woman?

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From: Raizada, Dhruv
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Subject: Who Is She?

You'll see.

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From: Singh Raizada, Khushi
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Subject: Come Upstairs

Yeah.

Like the subject line said.

I guess it's high time we finished our marriage rituals.

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From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Singh Raizada, Khushi
Subject: Are You...

Are you talking about our suhaag raat?

You're not going to mistake it for a saag raat like last time and feed me a shit-tonne of spinach again?

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From: Singh Raizada, Khushi
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Subject: Saag Raat

You loved it.

But no.

Suhaag raat it is.

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From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Maiyya, Devi
Subject: (no subject)

THANK YOU.

Seriously.

Took your sweet time though, didn't you?

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From: Maiyya, Devi
To: Singh Raizada, Arnav
Subject: Taking My Sweet Time

How easily you forget: I'm a woman who does not find you physically attractive.

You hurt Khushi.

I hurt Little Chotte.

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From: Singh Raizada, Arnav
To: Maiyya, Devi
Subject: 'Little' Chotte?

I think we both know he is anything but little.

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Part Twelve- 'Subpar'