FF:MERI ADHURI KAHAANI last part pg-62& nt -64 - Page 12

Chapter 6 : Sisakti Aahein

I was reading my examination schedule, just a fortnight was left before they would commence and I realized that soon I would be going to complete my graduation, it still sounded unbelievable and that too all because of him. Appearing for the exams meant going back to the college, a place where my story ended. It wouldn't be easy for me to revisit that place and I didn't know whether I had the courage to face my past. When I had come down to attend supriya tai's wedding that time I still had a few days in hand and had thought that during these days I shall mentally prepare myself to go back but then as soon as I came here my whole life took a new turn not leaving a possibility to take a u turn. A part of me was relieved to know that now I wouldn't have to battle demons of my past. So even the thought of studying again didn't ever cross my mind but his, it did. I still wondered, why ? While the other part of me which loves to read and study was ecstatic the evening he came up with the papers, I didn't know then how to react? At that point of time I couldn't even thank him, I was absolutely speechless then. What he had done for me was totally unexpected and unimagined, just the fact that he thought about me brought a smile on my lips. Everyone knows that behind that hard cold exterior resides a soft caring heart, no wonder people of patil vadi love him so much but one day I shall get to witness the softer concerned side of him, I had never thought. For a long time I focused only on my books and pushed aside the thought that ultimately I shall have to return where it had all ended. Just the reminder of going back was enough to give me goose bumps, I shut my eyes as images of my past came back to haunt me. I began breathing heavily and held the book in my hand tightly as I saw myself as a loner trapped in the clutches of her past, I wished someone could pull me out, I raised my hand for help in the dark and squeezed my eyes to block those images, just then the door opened slowly making a creepy noise which made me open my eyes, I glanced at the entrance and saw his blurred figure come in carefully, attempting not to disturb me while studying. I pushed back my anxiety, got up from the couch and began collecting my books. He sat on the bed looking at me and asked," aur nahin padna tujhe?" I nodded a no, I had decided to call it a day and would get up early in the morning to start again," main subha jaldi utth ke padegi." He shook his head and lay in bed, it felt different seeing him care, some what nice" sahab ..main khana laati hai." He lifted his hand to stop me and said," rehne de ..main khakar aaya hoon ..tu khal le." I sighed deeply and went to the kitchen, I wasn't hungry anymore so just had a glass of water and came back. I glanced at the wall clock, it was way past midnight and my eyes were getting really heavy. I collapsed on the couch as my mind oscillated between my past and my present.

Few hours later I heard something ring very sharply, I lifted the cushion and kept it on my ear to block the sound but it didn't stop. Irritated, I squinted my eyes and tried to make out from where that shrilling sound was coming. I got up and looked around, his cell phone was ringing, he always keeps it on vibration mode before sleeping then why is it making so much of noise today? Still in my sleep I went close to his bed and called him out," sahab ..sahab ..apka phone baj raha hai." Few seconds later he moved and without opening his eyes pressed a button of his cell phone, it stopped ringing, thankfully. I turned around to go back when he said in a heavy tone," subha ho gayi ..chal padai kar le." And after saying so he pulled up his comforter, I couldn't believe he had set an alarm to wake me up, I glanced at his bedside clock, it was 4 in the morning, I had slept just three hours back and had thought will wake up around 5.30 but thanks to him I was already up. I rubbed my drowsy eyes and gazed at his sleeping form, for the first time I was really upset with him. I knew he had started caring for me which I really appreciated but if he continued to be so caring then his concern would end up giving me dark circles. Stomping my feet angrily I went to the bathroom to get ready.

I had finished a major chunk of my course and was contently sipping my hot cup of coffee when I noticed a minor storm hit the room, sitting on the swing kept in the balcony I craned my neck to look inside the room and figure out what was actually happening. The room was in a total mess with the comforter lying on the floor, morning newspaper thrown near the cupboard and all the cushions scattered on the couch. He was pacing up and down the room searching for something , I stepped in and asked," sahab kuch dhoondh rahe ho?" he shot me an irritating look and said," meri ghadi (watch) pata nahin kahan hai?" I picked up his pillows and found it lying there as usual, he has this habit of leaving his things here and there. Everyday while making the bed I would collect his belongings and keep them on the table while he took bath. Today I was so engrossed with my books that making his bed slipped out of my mind. I glanced at him, his back was facing me, he was rustling through his cupboard, I went near him and said," sahab" while handing him his watch. He narrowed his eyes and pulled the watch from my hand before saying," kitni baar kaha hai meri cheezon ko haath mat lagaya kar..acchi bhali roz table par padi hoti hain." It surprised me to see what he was thinking, today he couldn't find his watch on the table not because he had left it carelessly last night but because according to him I had happen to touch it. He was still wearing his watch when I informed him calmly," roz subha main hi apki cheezein ikkahtti (collect) kar ke table par rakhti hoon." It was difficult for him to acknowledge that daily all his scattered things were collected by me. He lowered his gaze and began folding his sleeves to his elbows, I turned around to leave and get his breakfast when I heard him ask firmly," toh phir aaj kyun nahin rakhi?" I stopped in my tracks and looked at him," bhool gayi thi." He nodded his head while I shook mine in disbelief on seeing him ignore his mistake all together and put the entire blame on my shoulders . So in the whole incident as per him I was at fault and not him. I shook my head once again and left the room thinking how can he admit so easily that he is wrong. Men will be men and hey wait a minute, did it mean that now I was allowed to touch his things?

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Lying on the swing, going through previous years question papers I ticked the questions of whose answers I had finished learning. Making a mental note that still a few important topics were left for which I needed to research, just then I heard him from behind," let kar nahin padte aankhin kharab ho jayengi." I immediately sat up in fact stood up adjusting my suit. He would come early I had not expected, he stood near the balcony grill with his arms crossed before his chest overlooking the local park where children played in the evening. I asked him hesitantly for tea, he shook his head and replied," nahin ..thodi der pehle hi pee hai maine." I bit the inside of my cheek in shame and thought," what kind of a wife are you nakku? Sahab has been home for so long and you don't even know, forget offering him tea/ water." I lifted my eyes slowly and asked," sahab ..apke liye kuch laaon?" he nodded a silent no. I knew I wasn't allowed to behave like a normal wife taking care of basic needs of her husband but still I felt bad for neglecting him because of my studies, I lowered my head and went to the kitchen to have a glass of water for my dry throat. I was going back when AS stopped me and handed over a plate of sliced apples, I smiled and looked at her. Ever since she came to know that I will be appearing for exams she has been feeding me non stop with healthy fruits and vegetables just like my aayi. I took the plate and went back to the balcony hoping he would not be there but he was. I extended my hand and offered him the apples, he shook his head and didn't have, I kicked myself mentally, how can he share anything with me? I moved my hand back when he twisted his lips in a smile and said," tu kha ..tujhe in cheezon ki zyada zaroorat hai." And walked off leaving me confused, was he making fun of me by suggesting that I needed to have such things to improve my memory because I had forgotten to take his things out today and later didn't even bother to check whether he was home or not? Or my mind wasjust overworking? Leave it, I thought taking a deep breath. I had another piece of apple and went back to my books.

Later in the evening while revising the rise and fall of the Mauryan dynasty I smiled and thought, everyone in the family is contributing in his or her own way towards my studies, madhu, whenever free doesn't lose any opportunity to make notes for me. Even Baaji is no less, poor guy completed all the formalities required for my late admission, patil vadi being a small town doesn't have good libraries, so its again Baaji who arranges old history books for me. I raised my eyes and looked at the extra lamps that had been put up on the balcony wall, it was sahab's idea, he knew I studied late at night in the balcony so got them fixed for me and when I had asked he didn't reply, simply walked off silently. The thought of giving it all up had crossed my mind several times but seeing them put in so much of effort made me change my mind every time, I couldn't let them down, couldn't let myself down, I had to face it, fight it for my sake.

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I held the calendar and crossed one more date, one more day gone and now my examinations were just round the corner, with each passing day the jitters, the nervousness increased. I kept the calendar back on the table and glanced at the watch, it was close to midnight. Dinner had gotten over long time back still sahab hadn't come up, shaking my head I began brushing through the last chapter of the book. A while later he came in holding his head and sat on the bed pressing his temples with his right hand thumb and fingers. I looked at him carefully, if he drank a lot then the next morning he would have a headache but tonight he didn't appear to be drunk, then what was wrong with him? I asked him softly," kya hua sahab..sar mein bahut dard hai?" he nodded a yes and replied," hmm sham se hi ho raha hai." He opened his bed side drawer and began rustling through it, frustrated on not being able to find what he was looking for, he pushed back the drawer loudly and said," asprin bhi khatam ho gayi hai." I stood up and opened my cupboard to take out my balm bottle, ayi often used to massage my forehead with it after I spent a long and tiring day with my books. I walked up to his bed and said," sar par balm lagane se dard kam ho jata hai." I paused for a moment and then asked," main lagaa doon?" He moved his hand in the air, dismissing my offer to massage his forehead with the balm. I kept the balm bottle and left. After keeping my books on the table, I spread the comforter on the couch and was about to get in when I heard him ask from behind," yeh kaise lagate hain?" I smiled inwardly, he's such a stubborn child.

I went back to him and took the bottle from his hands, I kept standing near his bed side for sometime then my eyes travelled from his bed to his face, following my gaze he shifted a bit to give me space to sit. I sat next to him and smeared some balm on his forehead and began rubbing it gently, he closed his eyes to relax. After a minute I laid my fingers over his forehead and drew the fingers down along his brow line to each of his temples making small circles over them. I repeated my action several times when all of a sudden he opened his eyes and stared back at me. My hands shivered as his eyes were fixed on my face, I lowered my eyes and gulped the lump formed in my throat then began stroking my fingers on his forehead once again. I could still feel those hooded eyes staring me, I lowered my head further as a result some tendrils of my hair went loose and fell on my face covering it partially and saving me from his sharp gaze. I began breathing normally once again but it wasn't long as I felt sahab's fingers move through my hair pushing them back making my face now slowly change colors visible to his eyes. I took a sharp intake of breath and closed my eyes as his finger tips stayed on my face longer than required. I could feel color rise to my cheeks and bit my lower lip hard as he tucked the hair behind my ear. His fingers brushed my jaw line while coming down, my heart pounded loudly inside my chest. After what seemed eons I opened my eyes slowly and looked back at him, eyes which used to be full of anger and contempt had now softened towards me. They no longer reflected hatred but a different emotion, an emotion that scared me. I rushed to the washroom as I couldn't bring myself to acknowledge what I had seen in those dark intense eyes.

I washed the balm off my hands nervously and slowly lifted my eyes to look myself in the mirror. My whole face had turned into a deep shade of pink, I raised my hand and touched the area with my finger tips where his fingers laid a while back. My skin was burning hot and heart raced rapidly as I recalled sahab's touch which was soft and gentle. A trembling smile spread across my face and I lowered my eyes shyly. I opened my hair and recalled the day when he had pulled down his towel from my hair, that time his action was harsh and insensitive, he wanted to hurt me but tonight he was different, his touch healed me somewhere. I began stroking my fingers through my hair just the way he had done, it gave me immense pleasure and slowly I started breathing normally. I closed my eyes thinking about him and a face appeared before me. The face was not of sahab's but of my painful past. My eyes snapped open as reality dawned on me, no, this couldn't happen, I couldn't betray him. "this is wrong..I cannot cheat on him." my mind screamed loudly. Sahab's small little touch and I melted like a candle? A candle, burns and melts itself to spread light around, even I could burn and melt myself but one thing which I couldn't do was, lighten his life, I was just not capable of doing so. I raised my hand to wipe off the imprints of his touch on my cheek but something within me stopped me and I HATED that part of myself. Anger and regret rose to my eyes for getting carried away just like that. How could I? How could I forget my past in that fraction of a moment? This was not done, I couldn't even think of moving on with him, all this needed to be stopped right here. I tied back my hair in a bun as the dam of tears broke and streaked on to my cheeks. I covered my mouth with my hand to stifle my loud sobs. Till date I was under this impression that I had no more tears to shed but I was so wrong, tonight his one little gesture burst that water bubble. I wiped off the trail of tears with the back of my hand then reached out to my other cheek and closed my eyes in distress as I could still feel his warm touch on it. Enraged with myself I banged my fist hard on the wall, the two green glass bangles broke and pricked my wrist. I glanced at the drops of blood, love though beautiful but is far more painful and when it hurts, it hurts really hard, it hurt me then and it is hurting me even now.

I stormed out of the washroom and went to the balcony carrying a book of mine. I sat on the floor resting my back against the wall and opened the book to divert my rebellious thoughts. I began reading in my mind," Maurya rajyavansh pracheen bharat ka ek…" couldn't continue further word as tears blinded my vision, pushing them back, I tried reading once again, this time louder," MAURYA RAJYAVANSH PRACHEEN…." I shut the book in frustration as images of my past came flashing back. I drew my knees close to my chest and rested my head on them helplessly.

I cried myself to sleep and when I woke up in the middle of the night I felt something warm around myself. I straightened my posture and opened my puffy eyes to find his shawl wrapped around myself. I pursed my lips and wondered, why ? why was he scratching my old wounds with his concern? Why was he attempting to kindle those feelings which were dead for me? Why was he trying to add a new chapter to my incomplete story?