FUNNY STORIES - By CIDians - Page 35

why don't u post the pizza - tomatoe sauce story here that was funny 😛

Originally posted by: visrom

Now as a predecessor to Chinnu's story, just informing everyone as to why the whole story started.

We were discussing the Murderous Affair episode and I was appreciating some of the scenes. Now we know that there are some silent members here and didn't want to give them an idea that we like this orphan concept. This led us to think what NK would do if she got an idea of making Abhijeet an orphan. Then came this story idea.

I was actually imagining what NK would do with this concept.

Here goes...

As usual a Kati Hui Laash found by a group of picnickers. CID team arrives and checks the pieces of laash. Takes it to Salunkhe.

Salunkhe does DNA test and it turns out to match someone's on the computer. Guess whose - Abhijeet's. Salunke does sculpture work and constructs the face of the woman. Abhijeet fails to recognise her.

ACP questions Abhijeet and he denies knowing her...total memory loss you know. ACP asks Abhijeet and Daya to go to his village in UP and find out. So, they catch a train to UP...not Abhijeet and Daya, but Abhijeet and Sachin. (NK style)

Then they show the village in UP, suddenly Daya appears out of thin air and starts searching for clues about the woman. Everyone denies knowing anything. Then one old man recognises Daya. becuase he had seen Daya's photo along with Abhijeet's in Abhijeet's mother's house. He starts telling the story...that Abhijeet's mother had told him the truth during her last few days, that Abhijeet was not her real son, but adopted son. And that's why he was not recognising her after the memory loss.

Daya gets the address of the orphanage and goes there. There they search all photos and find the photo of the lady. She is actually Abhijeet's sister. They get the background of the lady...she was working in a call centre and had an affair with someone and he didn't want to marry her, so he killed her.

Abhijeet finds the guy, gives a hard slap for killing his so-called sister, ACP gives phaansi and the episode ends there.


THE END.

(Please don't scold me, anyone. I wrote it for fun)

Originally posted by: visrom

Now as a predecessor to Chinnu's story, just informing everyone as to why the whole story started.

We were discussing the Murderous Affair episode and I was appreciating some of the scenes. Now we know that there are some silent members here and didn't want to give them an idea that we like this orphan concept. This led us to think what NK would do if she got an idea of making Abhijeet an orphan. Then came this story idea.

I was actually imagining what NK would do with this concept.

Here goes...

As usual a Kati Hui Laash found by a group of picnickers. CID team arrives and checks the pieces of laash. Takes it to Salunkhe.

Salunkhe does DNA test and it turns out to match someone's on the computer. Guess whose - Abhijeet's. Salunke does sculpture work and constructs the face of the woman. Abhijeet fails to recognise her.

ACP questions Abhijeet and he denies knowing her...total memory loss you know. ACP asks Abhijeet and Daya to go to his village in UP and find out. So, they catch a train to UP...not Abhijeet and Daya, but Abhijeet and Sachin. (NK style)

Then they show the village in UP, suddenly Daya appears out of thin air and starts searching for clues about the woman. Everyone denies knowing anything. Then one old man recognises Daya. becuase he had seen Daya's photo along with Abhijeet's in Abhijeet's mother's house. He starts telling the story...that Abhijeet's mother had told him the truth during her last few days, that Abhijeet was not her real son, but adopted son. And that's why he was not recognising her after the memory loss.

Daya gets the address of the orphanage and goes there. There they search all photos and find the photo of the lady. She is actually Abhijeet's sister. They get the background of the lady...she was working in a call centre and had an affair with someone and he didn't want to marry her, so he killed her.

Abhijeet finds the guy, gives a hard slap for killing his so-called sister, ACP gives phaansi and the episode ends there.


THE END.

(Please don't scold me, anyone. I wrote it for fun)

Annual Appraisals at the CID office

It was the last Friday of the first week of July, and the 'human resources' at the CID office in Mumbai were tensed.
Why?
Because it was the last day for submissions of their annual appraisals and their reporting manager ACP Pradyuman had not yet submitted their filled forms.

But who would remind the hot headed ACP of this?
Somebody had to. Cause otherwise their appraisals would move to the next level with default 'Meets Expectations' ratings.

Just then, Inspector Kajal saw Senior Inspector Daya doing bench presses in the corner. It struck her, 'Daya is ACP's favorite. He will never refuse him'.
So she went over to Daya in a confused manner. A lill afraid, that if the wrath of the Almighty and All strong Daya spills on her by mistake, she will be done for life.
But then she remembered, Daya is the kind of resource who has all the skill set but works only when the manager aka ACP Pradyuman asks him to.
'Daya sir, can you call up ACP sir?' said Kajal
'Kyon?' said Daya. Just one word cause that is all he is allowed to deliver in the CID headquarters, where most of the talking is done by either Senior Inspector Abhijeet or Dr Salunkhe.
'Sir, wo aaj appraisal ka last din hai to. Aur mera first appraisal hai. You know I just joined in 2010.' said Kajal. This fresher had high hopes from the appraisal.
Daya, being a veteran, having got just one promotion in the last 12 years knew better.

But he could not say no to a sexy young fresher! See, it does not happen in IT. It does not happen in CID either.
So he called up ACP Pradyuman.

Daya: 'Sir, aap kahan hai?'
ACP: 'What do you mean by kahan hai? Daya kaisi baatein kar rahe ho tum? Hum case par hain'

Daya: 'Par sir aap mujhe nahi le gaye'
ACP: 'What nonsense Daya, abhi hum case ke baare me pata karne gaye hain. Abhi to ek bhi sir kati laash nahi mili. Jab kuch pata karne ko hai nahi to tumhe la ke kya fayda?'

Daya: 'Nahi sir mujhe laga kahi aap Abhijeet ko na bol de ki 'Abhijeet, Pata karo', isliye poocha'
ACP: 'Achcha achcha batao, phone kyo kiya?'

Daya: 'Sir wo aaj appraisal discussion ki last date hai'
ACP: 'Kya Fredricks jaisi baatein kar rahe ho? Tumhe pata nahi ki hum sabki rating pehle hi decide kar lete hai? Phir discussion ka kya fayda?'

Daya(softly, aside): 'Nahi sir wo Kajal ka man tha discuss karne ka'
ACP: 'To pehle kyo nahi bola? Main aa raha hoon. Meeting room book kar do'

ACP(to himself): 'Ye Daya kaahin Kajal ki aad le ke khud appraisal discussion to nahi karna chahta?'
Abhijeet: 'Kya hua sir?'

ACP: 'Daya ka phone aaya tha, keh raha tha appraisal ki last date hai. Kahin isko bahar se offer to nahi mila?'
Abhijeet: Haan sir, maine bhi dekha ki ek din naukri.com khol ke baitha tha.

ACP: 'Abhijeet, wo humara subse important resource hai. Main uske khilaaf kuch nahi sunna chahta'
Abhijeet (aside, to himself): 'Sala pata nahi aisa kya hai us Daya me jo mujhe nahi hai. Dimaag chalata hoon, din bhar kaam karta hoon. Saturday Sunday bhi aata hoon. Par ACP ko jab dekh tab Daya'

ACP: 'Tumne kuch kaha?'
Abhijeet: 'Nahi sir, main bas car nikaalne ja raha tha'

Back at CID headquarters

ACP: 'Haan bhai kisko kisko jaldi machi hai promote hone ki? Aaj mera mood kharab hai, sabse pehle kaun aayega?'

Nobody moves.

ACP looks at the this woman in pink which he could not recognize.
ACP: 'Who are you?'
Girl In Pink: 'Sir I am from the HR department. I have been sent to ensure that the discussions here are transparent and clear'

ACP: 'Excuse me, but are you a fresh Management Trainee?'
GIP: 'Yes sir, but why?'

ACP: 'That is the reason you don't know anything. HR are just for namesake. Beautiful Management trainees are hired so that the resources can stay happy by looking at them. This trust and transparency is not even practiced in IT. We are in the Police force for God's sake'
GIP: 'But sir..'
ACP: 'Daya, madam ko bahar ka raasta dikhao'

ACP: 'Haan bhai, kaun aa raha hai? Hurry up, hurry up!'

Abhijeet to Kajal: Haan bhai, Miss fresher, aapko bada 'Women first' hua rehta hai. Jaiye
Kajal: 'Sir, ACP sir bade gusse me hain, please aap chale jao na'

Abhijeet: 'Arey mujhe apna appraisal kharab nahi karana.'
Kajal: 'Sir, pretty pleasseee. Mere liye'
and then she rolls her eyes in a way only beautiful freshers can.
Of course Abhijeet agrees. Who can resist the charm?

Candidate 1: Senior Inspector Abhijeet

ACP: 'Aao Abhijeet aao. Baitho'
Abhijeet: 'Thank you sir.'

ACP: 'Discuss karoge ki rating loge?'
Abhijeet: 'Ab sir main kal thode hi join kiya hoon ki discussion me time waste karunga. Rating hi bataiye'

ACP: 'Tumhari rating hai 2. Exceeds Expectation'
Abhijeet: Sir, mujhe pichle 10 saal se rating 2 de raho ho. Abhi to ek baar 1 de do'

ACP: 'Dekho Abhijeet, mere hisaab se tum hamesha rating 1 ho. You are no doubt an Outstanding resource'
Abhijeet: 'Sir phir 2?'

ACP: 'Abhijeet ye to Bell curve normalization ki wajah se 2 ho jaati hai. You know humari team kitni choti hai. Ab itne me to sirf ek hi aadmi ko rating 1 mil sakti hai'
Abhijeet: 'Aur wo hai Daya. Kyo sir kyo? Usme aisa kya hai jo mujhme nahi hai? Usse jyada lambe dialogue bol leta hoon, usse jyada tej hoon. Jyada case solve karta hoon. Yaad hai sir, is quarter me wo case jab maine pata lagaya tha ki seth ki biwi ki laash deevar me hai'

ACP: 'Par deevar todi kisne thi Abhijeet?'
Abhijeet: '…'

ACP: 'Bolo, bolo'
Abhijeet: 'Daya ne'

ACP: 'Haan. Yaad hai CID ka 1998 ka wo shuru ka episode jab maine tumhe kaha tha ki darwaaja tod do aur tumne mana kar diya tha?'
Abhijeet: 'Sir wo to kitni purani baat ho gayi. Main to bhool bhi gaya tha'

ACP: 'Wahi to. main nahi bhoola tha. Management kabhi choti baatein nahi bhoolta. In fact mai to ek XL sheet rakhta hoon in cheejo ki.
Abhijeet, case solve karna jaroori nahi, jaroori hai darwaaje deevare todna. Kitne logo ke CID sms ki rozi rotu chalti hai Daya ki wajah se'
Abhijeet: 'Main samajh gaya sir. Bas mujhe hamesha ki tarah Onsite dete rehna. Matlab pehle mujhe le jana case site pe. Dialogues are airtime Daya se jyada. Rating ka achaar daalna hai?'

ACP: 'Do not worry Abhijeet.'
Abhijeet: 'Ok sir.'

Candidate 2: Forensic Expert Dr Salunkhe

ACP: 'Salunkhe, your rating is 3, Meets Expectation'
Dr Salunkhe: 'But aapne to mera appraisal form bhi nahi padha'

ACP: 'Jaroorat nahi samjhi'
Dr Salunkhe: 'What do you mean?'

ACP: 'Dekho Salunkhe, sab jaante hai ki tum har episode me meri maarne pe tule rehte ho. Ab management se panga loge to yahi hoga. Jao rating 3'
Dr Salunkhe: 'I am a highly learned Doctor. You can not do like this to me. I will escalate this to the HR'

ACP: 'Abey ja, jisko karna ho kar le. Aaj ke baad ek episode mere maje liye to saale PDP pe dalva dunga'
Dr Salunkhe: 'This is anarchy. Just because you have been in the account, sorry department, for 12 years, you think you can armtwist anyone? An organization is run by policies and not people'

ACP: 'Abey ja'
Dr Salunkhe: 'Look at the way you talk! You are supposed to be the role model to the others in the department. I sure shall resign'

ACP(to himself): 'Ja kar lena. Abhi kal letter aayega to pata chalega ki 3 mahine ka notice period hai :P '

Candidate 3: Senior Inspector 'The' Daya

ACP: 'Aao Daya aao. Arey arey, ye kya kar rahe ho?'
Daya: 'Sir aapke pair choo raha hoon.'

ACP: 'Aur ye tumhare haathon me ye kya hai?'
Daya: 'Mujhe pata tha ki aap bhool jayenge. Aaj aapki anniversary hai sir. Bhabhiji ke liye le jaane ke liye aapke liye phool laya hoon'

ACP: 'Meri aankho me dekho aansoo aa gaye. Yahi tumhari khaas baat hai. This is why you are Outstanding. This is why your rating, once again, is 1'
Daya: 'Thank you sir. Main to bas wahi karta hoon jo aap kehto ho. Warna to mujh BA fail ko kaun poochta.'

ACP: 'Dekho Daya, ye BA fail aur fake experience waali baat baar baar na kaha karo. Main nahi pahucha yahan tak?'
Daya: 'Bas sir daya bani rahe aapki. Mujh nasamajh ko to case ka C bhi nahi samajh me aata tha. Aaj dekho kahan aap ne CID ka top star bana diya!'

ACP: 'Dekho Daya, dimaag daudane waale bahut hote hain. Darwaaje todne waale kam. Aur management ko chahiye tum jaise talented bande, jinko jab jo darwaaja todne ko bola, tod diya. Poocha bhi nahi ki kiska hai'
'Aur ye jo tum meri haan me haan milate ho na, wo baat Abhijeet me kahan?'
'Main to kehta hoon ki agar main tumse kahoon ki Database architect banna hai, to tum to wo bhi ban jaoge. Kyo daya?
Daya: 'Haan haan sir.'

ACP: 'Daya, from this year, I want you to take up more important responsibilities. Jaise mere ghar ka gas cylinder badalna, mere bachcho ko school se le aana. Wagerah wagerah'
Daya: 'Ho jayega sir. Maine kabhi aapko mana kiya hai'

Daya: 'Sir, before I go, ek baat poochni thi. 10 saal se rating 1 de rahe ho. Ab Senior Inspector se promote bhi to kar do'
ACP: 'Kya Daya, mujhe dekho, main 12 saal se CID me hoon. Top most performer. Meri promotion hui??'

Daya: 'Haan sir, aapki promotion kyo nahi hui?'
ACP: 'Hmmm, that is a very good question. Daya pata lagao'

Please take it in a ligher vein. 😊

I must say the writer is very clever one...thanx Visrom for sharing it

I can totally understand the pain of Abhijeet in the story you posted here Vis... 😆 The best part was the bell curve... I was always a shikaar of that bell curve 😆 People might think that Daya in the story is lucky... but I have been in that position too once.. then i realized its better to be in Abhijeet's position than in Daya's 😛😆

Asto, it is doing the rounds in your prev company. That's where I got it from. 😆 😛

😆 ... I liked Daya & ACP's convo. While he came for appraisal discussion ..
ACP : Aaj se tum aur serious kaam karo jaise mere ghar ke cylinder bharna .. 🤣 ..

I broke out laughing at this point !!