Chapter 23
Shanthivan Delhi 2011
The cooker whistle brought Kushi back to earth. She always lost touch with the present whenever her mind took these forays into the past. Today she made another realization. Whenever she reminisced the past it was only about ASR or Arnav & never Shyam except to compare him with Arnav. How could she have gone wrong with that creep. How could she have ever loved him. The very thought made her cringe with disgust. No wonder Arnav hated her. Who wouldn't? She wondered if Arnav felt as repulsed as her every time he touched her, imagining that Shyam must have also once touched her like this. Maybe that's why he shrunk from her advances except for that fateful night when he had taken her in rage. Something clicked in her mind. Before their farcical wedding Arnav had never felt uncomfortable getting physically close with her a case in point being that confetti episode but ironically after marriage he was not that bold or forth coming. Did he have some mental picture of her & Shyam & that's why…. Her miserable thoughts trailed away. It was too gross & yucky to imagine & she had an urge to actually throw up. Oh god so many things became clear to her now. She felt like crying & screaming at the same time. She wanted to shake Arnav & tell him that she had never cozied up with Shyam. Not out of lack of trying from Shyam's side but somehow she had always held back during their courtship & she realized now that it was again her sixth sense or instincts which had cringed from his advances. She felt miserable. Why dint she go by her instincts. Why dint she trust it.
She herself felt repulsed every time she thought of that slime ball. Why dint she trust her instincts. From the day she joined AR Industries her heart had always been tugging her towards Arnav but still she had dismissed those feelings as mere physical attraction, as shameless lust from her side. But all the while it had been her Devi Maiyya guiding her towards her destiny, smacking her on the head saying this is the man for you not that slime ball.
The doorbell made her jump. These flash backs always made her jittery. She opened the door & stood there not moving a muscle. Both of them kept staring at each other for what seemed eternity. It was Kushi who finally managed to speak.
"Anjali Ji"
When Anjali dint speak she gave a nervous half smile & invited her in.
"Can I get you something. May be tea?"
Anjali merely nodded & Kushi rushed to the kitchen.
Anjali's sudden arrival & her prolonged silence was making her extremely jittery.
"Can I help?"
Kushi jumped a few inches & was thankful that she wasn't holding anything in her hand.
Otherwise she would have definitely dropped it.
"Dhruv told me that chote was not well. I was worried & hence thought I will drop by."
"He forgot his medicines & then dint eat anything. As a result his sugar level dropped & he also fell sick. He is better now & resting. I have pleaded with him not to work. Hopefully he takes a much needed break from work. He works too hard & never takes care of himself. Sometimes he behaves like a kid. He…"
Kushi's voice trailed off into silence. She realized that she was actually blabbering in her nervousness.
"Kushi are you ok?"
She turned & looked at Anjali & Anjali was taken aback by the haunted look in her eyes.
"Kushi?"
"Anjali ji I know that you hate me & that's y u don't come here to visit but Arnav's heart gets broken every time you refuse to come. You will not understand the pain that he goes through seeing you like this. I know that I can never make you guys forgive me for all the agony & misery that I gifted you but please Anjali ji please try & make an effort at least for Arnav's sake. I swear that I won't even come before you. I will do anything just to see you & Arnav together smiling like before & talking heartily. Please do this one favour."
She couldn't continue & collapsed onto a stool.
Anjali took a deep breath & walked to her.
"Kushi. You have misunderstood my absence. I have avoided coming here not because I want you to suffer but because I want Arnav to let go the past. As long as he sees me he will always remember what you & Shyam did to us & he will never be able to forgive you & I dint want my presence to cast a shadow on your present. I want this marriage to work. That will never happen while I remain in the same house".
Kushi was stunned.
"Di" her voice broke.
"You are using that word after a long time."
"Di please forgive me. That day on your wedding night I dint know about Shyam's plan. Please believe me. He said he wanted to meet me & threatened to sabotage your wedding if I dint let him in. I did that only because I was scared he would harm you. I misunderstood his intentions. I dint realize that all along you were his target & not me. Please Di, please believe me."
"I TRUST YOU".
Three words that took Kushi's breath away. She just stared at Anjali & then started talking very fast.
"Di I would never ever do anything to hurt you. I accept that I have hurt Arnav many times & god may never forgive me for that. But I never intended to harm or hurt you. In fact it was meeting you that first made me pause & rethink about Shyam. You were the one who first planted the seeds of suspicion in my mind regarding that pervert. I realized that you are definitely incapable of hurting anyone, thinking evil of anyone & hence there was something wrong with Shyam's version of the story".
"YOU ARE WRONG" Anjali yelled.
"Di?"
"I am not a good person Kushi. I am equally evil. Earlier I used to wonder why god punished me by giving me this handicap but I finally have the answer to it. I AM EVIL. I don't deserve love or sympathy. I am a horrible woman Kushi."
"DI"
"Kushi I had always trusted you. I believed you & somehow knew that you were telling the truth"
"BUT Di"
"I hated you on knowing that you loved Shyam & did all this for him. Then I realized that he had misled you but I dint tell it out openly. Do you know why? Because I was jealous of you. Yes Kushi I was jealous of you. When the truth about your betrayal came out I saw Arnav break down. He hated you & for what you had done to him & me. Then I slowly watched his inner turmoil. He was trying to protect me but at the same time he couldn't let go of you. I was stunned to realize that despite all this he still loved you. This was a cruel stab aimed at my heart. All my life the only person who had truly loved me was chote & now even he was torn between me & his other love, YOU. He had to choose between the two of us. It torn him apart, killed him but I still dint lift a finger to help him. Instead I chose to be a silent spectator & watched both of you die a million death every day. I hated myself at that moment. How could I be so cruel. Chote's love for you made me a crazed animal. Why dint I deserve a love as pure as his. But I know the answer now Kushi. You are a better person than me. You are ready to destroy yourself at the altar of love. You did that first for Shyam & now for Chote. I know that you would die rather than let something happen to Chote. You are a genuinely good person & hence you won the love of Chote while I am a horrible, selfish hypocrite & hence my life is empty bereft of love".
Anjali broke down completely, collapsed on the floor & started crying.
"I am sorry Kushi I am extremely sorry. If your crime was to betray Arnav then my crime is even worse. At least you believed Shyam & were in love with him at that time but what about me. I claimed to love chote but all I gave him was untold pain, misery & tears. He gave me only selfless love & never expected anything from me. But I betrayed his love, his trust more than you. I am the guilty culprit not you. I deserve his hate not you. I let him down Kushi I let him down."
Kushi couldn't stop her tears. She had never seen Anjali Di like this.
She rushed to her & pulled her closer.
Anjali laid her head on her lap & continued to sob all the while whispering Sorry. After a long time she hiccupped into silence.
Kushi was caressing her forehead & hair tenderly.
"Kushi can you & chote ever forgive me?"
"Please Di don't insult me like this. All this only proves what a lovely person you are & the depth of your love for Arnav. Anyone in your position would have murdered me but you have the magnanimity to actually blame yourself for all this fiasco when your only sin was to have loved Shyam like me. I still cringe thinking how both of us fell for that sleazy B*"
"Kushi Love of a creep like Shyam is like Fool's gold. We initially get fooled by the shine & the glitter thinking that it's real gold while all the while it's just trash. Whereas love of a gem like Arnav is like diamond. It takes years & years for a piece of coal to withstand astronomical pressure to finally turn into diamond. But it's worth all the pain & wait. What you finally get is precious, invaluable. That's my chote. Tough cookie but worth all the trouble. Please understand Kushi. Chote's anger is not because of your betrayal but because despite that he is still unable to hate you. That's what infuriates him & makes him turn an animal sometimes."
Kushi smiled & then that hunted look returned. Anjali noticed this & shook her.
"I have lost him Di. I don't think he will ever love me again".
"Then you are a bigger idiot than chote. If he is blind enough to not realize your love for him, you are even worse for not understanding the intensity of his love for you."
"But Di it's like I am dealing with more than 1 person. Reminds me of the famous story Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde. Sometimes he is the tender Arnav who breaks me with his love & sometimes he is the snooty ASR hell bent on torturing me. Not to forget that in between all this he also slips into your childhood chote mode behaving like a silly school kid. I am not sure what is the best technique to handle him, a passionate kiss for Arnav, a tight slap for ASR or a solid caning for chote".
Anjali burst out laughing.
"Oh Kushi no wonder chote loves you madly. Only you can see the humorous side in even the most miserable situation" She continued laughing heartily & Kushi hugged her.
Arnav heard the laughter & for a minute he was confused. This sounded like Di but she never came here. His legs moved towards all the noise & the scene that greeted him made his jaw drop.
Kushi & Anjali were hugging each other & laughing heartily just like the old days. It had been ages since he had seen both of them laugh like this. He wanted to just freeze this scene, dint want it to end at all. He stood there not daring to even breathe lest this moment ends. This is what he had always wanted. The happiness & laughter of the two women that he loved & cherished more than his life.
Anjali was the first to notice Arnav.
"Arrey Chote what are you gaping at?"
Kushi turned so fast that she cricked her neck.
"Di you here?"
"Come on chote I don't need an invitation to walk into my brother's house."
She saw that he was still not convinced.
"Dhruv told me that you were sick. He was actually more worried about Kushi because in his words she looked like a ghost. He said she was frantic with worry & was on the verge of a breakdown."
Arnav looked at Kushi who was avoiding his eyes. He felt a warmth inside him. She was actually worried about him. It made him feel good. On top of that Di coming here made him happy.
"OK Chote you take rest. I am leaving."
Without giving Kushi & Arnav a chance to protest she moved towards the door.
"DI". Anjali turned on hearing Kushi's voice.
"Please come more often. I really miss you". Kushi whispered in a soft murmer.
Arnav waited with bated breath.
Anjali came towards them silently & then simply hugged Kushi, nodded silently & then left quickly.
Arnav was just lost for words. Kushi looked at his face for the first time & noticed that his eyes were slightly misty.
"Arnav?"
"Sshhh"
He came near, planted a feather light kiss on her forehead, went to his room & closed the door. He leaned against the door with his eyes closed & then the tears rolled unhindered down his cheeks.
Here were the two women of his life. He was trying to protect Di from Shyam & win over Kushi from Shyam but he had failed miserably on both counts. His Di's life lay shattered before his eyes & he was still giving only pain & tears to Kushi. He had let them both down. While Di was his soul, his conscience, Kushi was his life, his breath. How can a man choose between the two. How can he survive without one of the two.
He clenched his fists. Kushi confused him. One second she broke his heart with her concern & affection & one second she broke his heart with her cruel betrayal. Why couldn't she forget Shyam & learn to love him. Why did he still love her. Maybe this is the dilemma that Kushi was also facing. Maybe just like how he is unable to hate her after all this, she is also unable to hate Shyam after all his betrayal. May be that's what love was. But he would not give up. Not yet. He will keep trying to win her love. He will try & make her forget that creep, get over him. One day may be she will learn to love him. May be one day all his dreams would come true. He would not give up hope as long as he lives.
"One day I will finally win your love Kushi. One day..." He whispered.
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