I wrote this OS because, well, I've been in the mood to write something and this idea came to me when I was listening to Nickelback and it was so damn angsty and being a hardcore angst lover, I couldn't help but write it. I hope it came out right. Please comment. 😊
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I've never been the type to believe everything they say. Yet, I found myself waiting for it to happen. After the deafening crash and pain, so much pain, I expected the lights to go out and briefly see my life flash in front of me. It was expected, wasn't it?
Ofcourse, I'd seen pain. Like everyone else, I've had my share of ups and downs - now that I look back on it - more downs than ups, mostly. It all started with an accident about 6 years ago. 6 years. How much the times have changed.. I used to be so happy, so carefree. I was in love with the most beautiful, caring and compassionate girl in the world. Riddhima Gupta. After months of convincing Riddhima's dad, we got engaged. Everything was going great. It felt like my pathetic excuse of a life finally had a meaning. But, ofcourse, when something is too good to be true, it usually is. Riddhima and I got stuck in the middle of a terrorist attack and as fates would have it, they didn't let me die an early, merciful death. No. Have they ever been that kind? They kept me alive, they kept her alive, yet they made sure that we couldn't be together. I got diagnosed with one of the most rarest medical conditions known to mankind. I was going to go mental. Literally. In a few months, I'd be fit to be serving the rest of my ridiculous life in some equally ridiculous mental asylum. Being the selfless lover that I was - I am - I left Riddhima. I left her so that she could move on and marry some decent guy who would love her the way she deserves, not some to-be-mental-in-a-few-months.. No, I couldn't subject her to that. She simply deserved more.
The fate wasn't that cruel, or so I had thought. After miraculously surviving , I came back, expecting to see Riddhima running back in my arms like it was supposed to be. We were the Armaan and Riddhima, it just wasn't fitting for her to be with some other guy. But, guess what ? She was married. Married. She was married to someone who could have been me, could be me if it wasn't for that goddamned accident and that goddamned illness and that goddammned righteous selfless husband of hers who gave her a lot of chances to come back to me. But my stubborn ex-lover wouldn't budge, no, she was too pure for that. Too moral. Too bound - by society, by her morals, by her traitorous feelings for her husband. And for the first time in my life, I cried. I cried because I didn't deserve this - any of this. I deserved to be by her side, I deserved to be married to the only love of my life and have kids and live a perfect life and not rotting around on the sidewalks crying like a f**king loser because this wasn't me at all.
Then came Shilpa. Like some f**king angel who could make everything in my pathetic excuse of a life suddenly make sense. Someone who could make me see how everything happens for the better. Someone who could make me realise how I'd find someone who'd love me for my f**ked up past , my f**ked up present and my f**ked-hopefully-not-up future. And, ofcourse, I had to ruin it all. I had to be an annoying wounded stuck up prat to the only girl who'd tried to stick with me through it all, she'd bravely endured everything I threw at her - every push, every insult, every shove, every glare - and she stood up to me and outmatched me completely - every prank, every look, every game, every fight. But I was too hopelessly wounded and too ridiculously heartbroken that I couldn't bother with it anymore, couldn't bother with hearts and love and life and smiles and laughter and everything that makes life worth living. I broke down, turned into a reckless boxer and punished Shilpa for every ounce of hurt Riddhima had caused me. She took it all. It amazed me how much f**king patience and courage and hurt and loneliness and sorrow and determination she hid behind those gorgeous eyes and that smile - that smile that could make everyone want to live and smile and breathe again but not me - I was too far gone for that, too far gone to accept her hand to live a new life, to start afresh with no regrets, to accept the past and move on. Move on. I couldn't. I refused and punished and fought and tried so hard, so hard, but the news of Riddhima's engagement just brought it all crashing down on me all over again. This time, the darkness confused me altogether. I couldn't even see her happy anymore, I ruined her f**king perfect married life and made sure that the little part of her heart that still beats for me overpowered her senses completely and made her commit something so traitorous against the one guy I'd come to love as my own brother. Since I'm dying, I'd let you know his agony and his cry of despair and betrayal still haunts me in the night. He was just like her - my perfectly imperfect and misguided angel. People like them - so f**king right - always sent me into a whirlpool of self-loathing and the nights after I got together with Riddhima, it was the same thing that kept me awake.
Self-loathing.
The only reason why I haven't married Riddhima yet. It's been 4 years since the day I saw Shilpa leaving and I broke Sid's heart and ruined his life and possibly ruined hers too, 4 years since I reunited with Riddhima and even though we'd certainly been through a lot, I couldn't just marry her - not after all the sins I'd commited. Not after I'd willingly betrayed the people who wanted to genuinely help me. And at the moment, I couldn't believe that all that loathing and despair and agony had been for this person in front of him - she was the price. And she seemed so small and insignificant in front of all that he'd done that he had just fled. Fled like the coward he always was. After every fight, he had fled and Riddhima would follow him and then they'd make up because that was how it was supposed to be but this time he fled. He knew he was just adding another name to the list of two people who have haunted him every night ever since 4 years. Every night, he heard Sid's cry and Shilpa's sorrow and Riddhima's loneliness and he knew that he'd been the reason for all of this - his little misguided existence had ruined the lives of people who deserved to live and be happy and smile and not cry and feel betrayed and never be able to love again. But the person that haunted him the most was Shilpa. Her eyes looking up at him, begging him to change, to let go, to smile and he regretted every shove he'd thrown her way, he regretted every glare he'd guided at her, every offensive word he'd said to her. He hated himself for letting her go and he hated her for leaving him when he needed her the most. At times, he hated her for giving up on him and that just made him hate himself more because he was too goddamned selfish and ofcourse Shilpa didn't deserve him, nobody did.
And he certainly wasn't surprised when the last face he saw before he died was Shilpa. He'd been driving recklessly, partly hoping he'd die and partly hoping Shilpa would turn up out of nowhere like the angel she was and heal him and make everything better again. Somehow, it was always easier to smile and breathe and laugh whenever she was around. Right when he felt his last breath, he noticed a van of paramedics stopping nearby and she came out. Shilpa. She looked at him with those big eyes and that concerned look and he knew that his life was complete - that his existence wasn't so pathetic afterall - and even though he'd hurt a lot of people - just looking at her made him feel so much better. And when she rushed over and he noticed a tear slowly creeping out of her eyes, he wanted - he so goddamned wanted to reach out and touch her and wipe her tears and apologise for every wrong thing he'd ever done to her but he couldn't. He could feel his life leaving him and he knew he was going to die and he knew she knew it too. He welcomed his last breath because it was only fitting that he died in the arms of the one person he'd hurt beyond repair.
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