Letters- PMFF Upd, Ch8,Pg11. Girls' Night In - Page 8

Amazing update! Thanks so much for dedicating the part to me! Prem's getting better! Update again soon!

Girls' Night In

"How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a naughty world!"

-William Shakespeare

"She's still here."

Prem spoke softly but his words reverberated in the room. Kasak glanced at her mother, wondering how she would respond.

"She's dead, Prem, you were there. Don't you remember?"

Prerna spoke with the air of a parent relentlessly drilling into her child's head the truth about Santa.

"I don't mean- I don't mean she's not dead. She's just not gone. She can't leave. It's just not possible."

"Prem, we all loved Mukti. None of us is going to be the same again. But she's not here."

"You don't get it. It's not just simple love. It's as if- like I am her. And she is me. We just can't- not be-" Prem's hands grappled in air as he grasped for words. "It's impossible to explain."

"Mukti lives inside all of us, but Prem, she's not here. The sooner you realize that, the easier it's going to be."

Prerna walked out of the room. Kasak heard her sister talking to her mother outside the room.

"Did you have to be this hard? He just came back to reality. Do you want to push him back to where he was?"

"I was not being hard on him, Sneha." Prerna's voice was hard. "I told him it would get easier. It won't. It will just hurt, everyday, for the rest of his life. It will torture him at nights. If he passes even a day without thinking of her, he will make up for it by spending hours trying to recall her frown. Every time he will smile, he will wonder if she would have laughed. One day, he will wake up thirty years later and it will still hurt the same. It's impossible to get over death. My son will live in pain for the rest of his life and there's nothing I can do to stop it."

Kasak looked at her mother. This was what her mother had lived with for the past thirty years.

"Kasak."

Prem was calling her.

I know nothing about him He shared atleast something with Sneha. But I left before he really became part of this family.I never wanted to get to know him.

"I need you to do me a favor."

"What sort of favour?"

"I need you to find this girl for me. Her name's Melissa McAvoy."

"Do you know anything else about her?"

"We went to the same high school."

"Prem, I-"

"This is important. And nobody, including Mother India, can know about this."

Kasak smiled. Some things just ran in the family. She finally believed that they shared DNA.

"

*********************

Dear Mummy

Today was awesome!! Visk Di, Kuki Di and Sneha came back for vacations. It had been getting a bit boring lately. Not that Kasak isn't great, it's just that I was spending so much time studying for my exam that I guess she was feeling a bit bored with everything. But today, all us sisters were united again. We spent the entire day playing monopoly. Kuki Di cheated Kasak out of Mayfair. Kasak threw a huge tantrum and I spent the rest of the afternoon convincing her of the merits of fair playing. I don't think I got through, though. But at least she didn't run off with her new boy-crazy friend who has been hanging out a lot lately. I keep forgetting her name- oh right Tanisha.

Anyway, I later went to Choti Ma's room. She looked so happy. Of course, Kuki Di would say it's only because Sneha is back. But I don't think that's true. She's happy because all her girls are back. I bet, in her mind, she keeps dreading the day when she has to see us all married and stuff. You know, she dreads an empty house that's not filled with us. But it can't be that bad; I keep joking and telling her that she can have a second honeymoon with Sir. I mean they raised six kids; it has probably not been the most relaxing time for them.

I found her lying on her bed, just smiling to herself. She told me that nothing can bring joy to a mother's face faster than seeing her children happy together. She said that she hoped all of us can be happy like that, always. Obviously, she hadn't heard Kasak sniffling in the next room.

Does seeing me happy make you happy too, Mummy? I lost you before I could even remember what you looked like, but do you still remember what I looked like? You can, right? People love after death. They stand next to you and watch you smile and cry.

I think if the entire world believed that every time we do something, people we love would know and smile, it would be such a better place. We all want to take giant steps to improve the world. Why can't we ever concentrate on making just one person happy at a time?

Choti Ma and I went back to Sneha's room where we were all playing. Even Kasak stopped sulking when Choti Ma gave Birju Kaka the night off and we all made dinner together. Of course, it was a total fiasco. None of us knows how to cook, well Visk Di and Choti Ma know but they were too busy laughing at Kasak and me make the worst pizza in the history of the world. And Sneha was in some sort of dream zone and Kuki Di had taken the position as the official taster. And let me tell you, Kasak got her revenge all right. I don't think Kuki Di will ever completely recover her taste buds.

Then Choti Ma got all sentimental and got the camera out and had us posing while we ate the horrible under-cooked pizza. And of course, Kasak figured out what was wrong with Sneha. She has this huge crush at some guy she met somewhere. She won't tell us anything about him. Except that his Dad's a politician. And we all got on her case. She won't budge for now, but Kasak and I have our ways. I mean, hello, we invented anonymous letters, right?

At the end of the day, Choti Ma got all teary-eyed again and wished her son was here with us. Only I thought she had said 'sons'. I must have misheard. She only has one son, Tushar Bhaiya. But when I asked about it, she went secretive again. Well, I am just not thinking straight. Choti Ma only has one son. Can you imagine if she had another one? We would have grown up together. I wonder if I would have liked him?

Love,

Mukti

Prem touched the signature. "Love, Mukti" How many different ways of saying the same thing?

He closed his eyes. He knew what he had to do.

*******************

Kasak took out her laptop from her bag. Prem had not given anything to go on. She sighed. Who was this girl he was so intent on finding? She knew it wasn't an ex-girlfriend. Prem had not exactly been the boyfriend type.

"Kasak."

Prem had just walked into the room.

"Forget about the girl. I have something more important for you to do"

"More important?"

"Yeah, I need you to find me a Monopoly set."

"Monopoly, the game?"

"Yes, of course."

"I think we have an old one lying here but why do you need it?"

"I will tell you later. Do you have Kuki and Vishaka's numbers?"

"They are in my cell. Here take it."

She threw him the phone

"Thanks"

"You are supposed to be taking it slow."

"I know"

"Prem" She hesitated "What are you doing?"

"Planning a reunion"

And he disappeared from her sight.

*********

Prerna walked into the storage room. Someone had left the door open. The old board games were all lying on the floor. She shook her head and bent over to pick up the Scrabble board. Polaroids fell out from the box. Her girls, captured, frozen, and happy. She knew what the future would hold. Miscarriages and failed marriages. Death. But they were so happy here. And she had known it would not last.

Sounds of shrieks and laughter penetrated the room. There had not been any laughter in this house for a very long time.

She walked upstairs and stopped outside Sneha's room. Her girls were sitting there playing Monopoly.

"Mayfair is sooo mine this time."

"Dream on. You could never get Mayfair."

"The only time you ever got Mayfair was when you cheated."

"Whatever you say, baby of the family."

"I am telling you, Kuki Di, I will not hesitate from feeding you curry pizza topping again."

"Ouch, Kasak, you just reminded me what that had tasted like. I am going to get my revenge. I am going buy Mayfair and Park Lane and build hotels on it. You just wait."

Prerna smiled. All her girls were together, with one jarring exception.

"I called them over."

Prem was standing behind her

"What?"

"I called Vishaka and Kuki over. Told them it was important."

"You planned this?"

"Yeah."

"It's something she would do."

Prem just handed her a camera.

Prerna took the camera.

"She's not going to show on this, you know?"

Prem still said nothing. Prerna took the picture and waited for the Polaroid to develop.

The picture showed four women, toughened by life, but still smiling. There was a glittering quality in the picture. As if the room was sparkling. Prerna stared at the picture. There were no bright lights in the room, yet the room glistened with a light that she could not describe. It didn't have a source or a colour. It was just there.

And staring at the picture, Prerna felt something just for an instant: the beginnings of a desire to smile.

She turned towards Prem, holding the inexplicable picture out to him.

Prem glanced at the picture.

"Your happiness meant more to her than anything else. She stands next to you, watching you smile and cry. "

He turned to leave

"Prem, where are you going?"

"Mukti and I- we have some stuff to do"

The End

Guilt

"guilt is the cause of more disorders
than history's most obscene marorders."

- e.e. cummings

Melissa Catherine McAvoy (b. 15^th August 1983) passed away on Tuesday May 14^th 2002. She had been a member of the cheerleading squad at the private school, James Madison High School. She was currently attending Boston College. She will be missed by her mother Lisa McAvoy Gomez, her father James McAvoy, her stepfather Alfredo Gomez and her little brother Tony McAvoy.

It was a short obituary.

Kasak clicked on the next window. It was a page from an anti-suicide website.

Losing Lissa

My best friend and roommate committed suicide on May 14^th last year. Today marks the first anniversary of Lissa's death. She would have turned twenty in August. She should have been selecting majors with me at the end of our sophomore year. Instead, she is lying in a cemetery Her family was devastated. So were her friends. Melissa left behind many people who loved her, who could have helped her. For all those of you who are considering suicide. Please know that living this life is worth it. Please get help. Suicide is never the answer.

(Claire Andrews lost her best friend Melissa McAvoy on May 14^th last year. Melissa had been suffering from clinical depression since she was a victim of a sexual assault five years ago. If you too have been a victim of sexual abuse in any form, please do not hesitate to get help.)

Kasak stared at the computer screen. She had finally succeeded in finding the girl.

Why had Prem had been asking about this girl?

Her eyes moved over the excerpt again. They paused at the phrase "sexual assault". This must have happened while Melissa was still in high school. Poor girl; she was a teenager. She must have been even younger than Mukti when she was-

Kasak took a sharp intake of breath. Her mind was racing. She looked up Boston University, it was only an hour away from where Prem and Melissa had gone to school. Her mind made rapid calculations. He had been Sneha's age. It meant he would still be in college when this girl was raped in 1998. Why hadn't anyone of them noticed how strange was it that he and Prem had known each other despite the age difference? Why hadn't anyone wondered if Mukti Deshmukh was the only victim of Sharad Gupta?

And Kasak clicked on the last window and an article about rape and drug filled her screen.

************

Prem touched the smooth white headstone. How strange that this boy, who he had always pictured as a five year old, would have been older than him; older than his sister. If he had lived, Prem would have never existed. He plucked a rose from the bush.

"She loves me"

"She loves me."

"She loves me."

He carried on in a strange monotone till every petal was gone. What was the next step? What would have she done? How did he go about repenting his mistakes? Righting every wrong? She would have known what to do. She had always known to do the right thing. He missed her in different ways every day. Sometimes he missed the beautiful woman walking away from him. Sometimes he missed the focused ambitious career girl. But right this instant he was missing the girl who would know instantly what to do, and yell at him till he did it. He was missing his friend.

He was left holding the skeleton of a rose.

*******

May 14^th 2002

Dear Mummy,

Can you believe I will start my last year of my school soon? God, it only seems like days ago when I was fretting over whether I would get accepted into Sneha's school. Now it's my school. I really could not believe it when I got the letter that said I had won the scholarship. It was like, seriously, the best moment of my life. Choti Ma was so happy that she was almost crying. Sneha was as usual away so I couldn't tell her right away but Kasak and I were dancing together. We were that happy. Sometimes I wonder which sister I am closer to, Sneha or Kasak. All my serious moments are with Sneha while all my fun ones are with Kasak. I love them both so much. I guess Sneha is technically my best friend. But that's because Kasak has so completely attached herself to Tanisha. Even though Tanisha is really Visk Di's cousin from her other mother's side but since she is almost the same age as Kasak, they hang out a lot. I guess that's only fair. They have a lot in common. They are both completely crazy as only a couple of sixteen year olds can be. But they are far more crazy than I was at their age. I was so serious, so ambitious. Yeah, I try to be all perky and happy all the time. Yeah, I am glad I have had to work for everything I have got so far in life. But I wonder what it would be like to the other way round. If I was just handed things the way the other Bajaj children are? Would I have been me, Mukti? Did the trials in my life make me who I am? If so, what other trials will I face? Will I do what I have done so far and survive everything that life will throw at me? Or will I collapse? What is the difference between people who get through and people who don't, anyway? Just that after a certain point you lose too much to want to live. I wish I would never have to go through that point in my life. Where dying seems like a better option than living.

************

Prem crept inside the dark house. It was late and he did not want to his mother knowing where he had been or what he had been doing. He had a feeling it would interfere with her plan to make him healthy again. As if healthy, like happy, was not an option cancelled a long time ago.

A figure rose from the dark and switched on the lamp. Prem found himself face to face with his little sister.

"You knew, didn't you?" Kasak hissed.

"What did you find out?"

"That you are a coward! This whole family is filled with freaking cowards and you are one of them!"

"I don't know what you are talking about."

"Oh really? Melissa McAvoy was raped. At a party, after she was drugged. Sounds familiar, UD?"

"You could have saved her." She was not talking about Melissa anymore. "If you had the guts to do something right years ago, my sisters would not have to go through unbelievable torture. Maybe both of them would even have been alive, right now. Instead of dead and slowly dying."

"Mukti forgave me." He muttered his only emotional salve.

"Mukti forgave everyone. She forgave people for being crappy friends. She forgave people for running away and not caring what happened to her. She just forgave, especially when it came to undeserving people in this family. She would have probably forgiven you for this piece of – she would have sat next to you at the girl's wake for God's sake. It doesn't make the guilt go away. Nothing ever does."

"the girl's what?"

"That's right, UD, Melissa McAvoy committed suicide after four years of being treated for depression. Congratulations for ruining another girl's life. I hope you didn't love this one."

As Kasak stalked off, Prem remembered the end of Mukti's last letter. Where dying seems like a better option than living. He knew what it was like to live like that. So had Melissa. But had Mukti? And what about Kasak?

Although this brought no pleasure to his pain, he knew what he had to do next: Save Kasak; Save her sister.