To all who have wondering about why I am taking so long to return, my dinner was very good (ragda patties, yum!). Then we had a couple of dinners to attend yesterday and today (peas palak, pakodi kadhi, dhoklas, and so on), so I had to wait till the effects of the food were gone.
Nair bhaiya's story continues:
As Nair bhaiya, Mr. Roja, Mr. Giri and the other men make their way back to their table, they are stopped short by the announcement by Atina, "We are introducing Vinod and Mr. Ambi as our keynote speakers for the evening. Would you both please step forward?" What is going on here, Vinod and Mr. Ambi, they ask, and get puzzled shrugs in response, as Vinod, followed by Mr. Ambi, make their way to the podium. Nair bhaiya has a better idea, he spots Mr. Atina talking to two attractive girls, and walks toward him. He tells the others that Mr. Atina may have the answers, since Atina is on the dais, he may also be less inhibited and may spill the beans. What he doesn't know is that poor Mr. Atina is being closely watched by those two lovely ladies, none other than the two Vanis, in disguise, and they pour generous helpings of vodka into his glass when they see the men approaching. Poor Mr. Atina, he takes a big gulp, and the next instant, he passes out, and is helped solicituously to a couch by the ladies, who continue to keep an eagle eye on him.
Vinod comes up to the dais, and tells Atina that he was not told about this and hence he does not have a speech, and Atina tells him not to bother. She tells him that the whole point of the talk is going to be how his family life has been affected by the serials being telecast on SunTV, so he should be able to say something. He says, Aha, that is something I can do. He says that his dear, sweet mother is constantly going around with a grim expression on her face and a karandi in hand, with a yennai chatti, talking about varuthufying someone or something, and he keeps hoping it is potatoes and he will get potato chips, but hasn't seen any chips, or any food at all, so far. Her sweet personality has been seriously affected by this unknown person. He says that his beloved wife, Netra, spends all her time updating the serials, to the point where his son has now reached the tender age of 13, but she is still under the impression that he is only 5 months old! Then Mr. Ambi says that his wife says that she is making sweets, and then she claims to be making badushah, which he always imagined to be a sticky sweet confection, but it turns out to be something with salt and spice in it, and this again has to do with the serials, he believes, because they all start by promising clean romance and good fun, but end up being merely violent clones of each other. Now Nair bhaiya understands the secret behind the spicy badushahs! He also is beginning to understand why his wife does very little cooking these days, is more likely to say Ennamo sambar, or ennamo fry, when asked what is cooking for dinner these days.
Just as Nair bhaiya thinks he should also get a chance to go to the dais, he hears Mr. Ambi calling Mr. Roja and Mr. Giri to the dais. Thinking quickly, he follows them, and beckons to the others to follow him. Mr. Giri talks of how he found himself being anointed with oil in his sleep one night, thanks to one of his beloved wife's frequent dreams about some hapless couple called Priya and Durai. He says that he found her looking at the perungaya dabbi one day, and when he asked her what the matter was, she said that her love was like the perungayam. Enna perungayamo theriyalai, enakku ore varuthama irukku, after all these years, she compares our love to perungayam. At least, oru Jack Danielskku compare panni irukalaam, he says. Mr. Roja says, You too, Mr. Giri? I found myself sitting in a puddle of water one night, because my wife was pouring a jug of water on my head, thinking it was these serial directors. At this point, Mr. eljay piped in, Yes, exactly who is this Durai guy? I kept hearing my wife talking about him, and I was getting a little anxious, but then I saw him one day and he was wearing this funny costume, all earrings and muthu maalai, and here she is raving about this weird person. Then one day he comes in a police uniform and a frown, and he looks to be about the age of our older son, and so I am confused. Then she went to India and came back with a bunch of yellow saris, and now whenever we go out, she comes looking all mangalagaram and talks of venduthal, but nothing is related to me, so what is going on here? Talking of sweets, she keeps making baklava, but I never see any of it, and I think she is sending it all to foreign parts.
There is a scuffle going on in the audience, and two young men jump on the dais, and one of them grabs the mike and says, Hi, I am trying to get the attention of a young lady named Nallu here, but she is always too busy talking about some serials and their directors. My friend here says that these days, all the young ladies are doing that, so we have no hopes of ever getting married, thanks to all these directors. Nair bhaiya gets up on the stage now, and takes the mike and says that he has one good thing to say about these serials, thanks to them, and to the unknown Mr. Durai, his wife has less time to spend on her shopping sprees, and so his bank balance has been growing, well, just a little, because even yesterday, she was in the mall, and she picked up two bracelets. He suspects that she may have lost some of her interest in the serials, because Mr. Durai has been missing for some time now. Bishop tells the audience that he has nothing to complain about, since his wife is so busy with the baby and their daughter that she has no time to think about shopping or TV or anything. In fact, he is thinking of asking his other daughter to have a baby soon, so that his wife will be busy again. (I do not know if Hosanna has another daughter, if not, this will be an imaginary daughter.) Besides, he is glad that they changed the actress who plays the lead in some serial called Kaveri or Kasthuri or some such thing. Now his wife has lost all interest in watching the show. He suggests that the other serial producers and directors take note of this.
Nair bhaiya sees someone who looks like Shahrukh Khan coming on stage. He introduces himself as Mr. Pat, and says that his wife was always known for her speed in typing, but of late,her fingers have taken to flying over the keyboard at the speed of light. She says that her updates have to posted as soon as the episode is aired, and he worries that she may damage her hands at this rate. He also says that he has had to buy two new TV sets recently because she sent her shoes flying through them.
Atina takes the mike back and tells them that the wives have taken note of all this, and they have decided to do something to alleviate the woes of their men. For starters, she tells them that Sue and eljay have found a big cache of gold coins and have decided to share it with all their friends in IF. They have come to the conclusion that if they cash the gold, there will be enough to charter a space vehicle and send it to Mars. The vehicle is waiting and ready to take off. Now Jagdu comes, leading Thava Karthik, but they are pushed aside by Thols, who is screaming, Kaappathungo, ennai kaappathungo, there is a lady waving a karandi and a yennai chatti, who claims she is going to make varuval out of me. He runs into the Mars orbiter, then karthik is pushed in, then comes vsur, dragging dot T dot G dot Thyagarajan, who is also pushed in. Wait a minute, wait just a minute, says Jas, who is running with something big and white, which she is dragging behing her. Jagdu asks her what is this, and she says this is Supramani, which must go with Thols. Jagdu tells her he may not need it but she is insistent, and he dares not cross swords with her in this mood, so he complies.
Nair bhaiya is wondering what is the point of sending these people in the Mars orbiter, but then Bon steps in and reminds him that the last orbiter died on the Martian surface, and this one has been programmed to die similarly, hence this trip. He wonders how they could have made the same mistake twice, and then Caryn tells him that it was done by the programmers at the SunTV offices. They got so confused by all the serials and by seeing Sanjeev as a schemer in one serial and a helpless person in another and a rash person in yet another, and so on, that they forgot all the programming they had learned.
Atina and Jagdu close the door of the Mars orbiter, then wave to someone, and the vehicle takes off. Now all the ladies are singing and dancing, and the music is reaching a crescendo, and suddenly Nair bhaiya finds himself being shaken by his wife. Chetta, chetta, wake up, it is time to get up, and he opens his eyes and finds his wife, wearing her Jodha Akbar necklace, matching jhumkas, bracelets (the new ones she bought at the mall yesterday!). Wha .., where are we going? he asks, and she says, Don't you remember, we are going to Roja's house for Deepavali dinner? We have to go in traditional finery, you have to wear your mundu, all the men are going to be in traditional attire, so hurry up. But can I have some tea and pakoras first, he asks, I didn't have any lunch at work today, and Sue says, No, there is no time, and he thinks, Oh what a life, I didn't get any tea in my dreams, and none in real life either. I wish I had at least eaten some more murukkus in the dream. I hope at least Vinod gets some chips, he thinks as he drives.
Wake up, folks, it is the end of Mr. Nair's travails, and yours.
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