Sharam:
“Tujhe toh sharam aati hai apne pati ko apne dosto se milwane mein. Mere inn tel masalo se saane hue kapado se sharam aati hai,” Shiva gritted out for what seemed to be the millionth time. They had been having the same conversation on loop for the past two weeks and Raavi’s patience was dwindling. He had begun to sound like a broken record – tel, masalo, zabardasti ki shaadi and her replies had become repetitive as well – aadat, adjustment, compromise. She had tried her best to maintain a calm composure, to fight his malicious taunts with kindness, to bridge the gap between them – but all her efforts were in vain, and she had, had enough.
“Aati hai na sharam. Bahoth aati hai. Par tere tel masalo ki khushboo se nahi Shiva. Sharam aati hai ke teen mahine hogaye hai hamari shaadi ko lekin abhi tak tere dil mein ek choti si bhi jaaga nahi bana payi hoon main. Sharam aati hai ke main aaj tak tujhe mere aur MaasiMa ke beech ka farak nahi samja payi hoon. Sharam aati hai jab dusre couples ko dekhthi hoon toh khushiyan nazar aati hai aur jab hamare rishte ke baare mein sochti hoon, toh sirf khamiyaan hi nazar aati hai. Sharam aati hai ke main jitna bhi koshish karu, tujhe samaj nahi pa rahi main aur tu mujhe samaj na chahtha bhi nahi hai. Sharam aati hai ke mein chup chap teri saari badtameezi sehthi ja rahi hoon, apne dil par pathar rakh ke. Sharam aati hai ke main kuch bol nahi paati jab ghar mein kuch galat ho raha hai kyunki main jaanti hoon tu mujhe ussi waqt nikal dega. Sharam aati hai ke jis Raavi ne aaj tak tujhe aise harkate nahi karne dia, vohi Raavi har din tere taane aur gusse ke saath adjust karahi hai. Sharam aati hai ke jab tu mere saath janwaro se bhi badtar saluk kartha hai, main tab bhi tere peeche peeche bhag thi hoon, tujhe manane ke liye. Sharam aati hai ke besharamo ki tara main tere age peeche dol thi hoon aur tu sirf aur sirf mujhse dur bhaag tha rehtha hai. Sharam aati hai ke mujhe lagne laga tha ke maine tujhe bachpan se galat samajha, ke maine tujhe junglee aur janwar bolke galti ki lekin tere harkatho ne phirse sabeth kardia ke main kahin na kahin sahi thi. Sharam aati hai ke jab bhi mere dost tere baare mein kuch ulta seedha bolte hai toh mera maan toh bahoth kartha hai ke unko vahi noch dalun par teri iss behavior ke wajhe se main confuse hojati hoon ke kya voh itna bhi galat bol rahe hai. Sharam aati hai ke main tere liye stand nahi le pathi par tu bhi meri sab ke samne bezatti kardeta hai. Sharam aati hai ke baar baar tu mujhe mandhandle kartha hai mere maana karne ka baad aur ab toh main tujhe kuch bolti bhi nahi hoon. Sharam aati hai ke mujhe samaj mein nahi araha hai ke aisa kya badal gaya hai hamare beech ke jin baatho se tujhe koi farak nahi padtha that, aaj un hi baatho se tujhe itni takleef hoti hai. Sharam aati hai ke aaj tak maine tera kabhi bura nahi chaha lekin aaj kal sirf teri burai hi nazar aa rahi hai. Sharam aati hai ke main khud muskurana bhul chuki hoon lekin tere ek muskurahath ke liye mere aankhe taras jaati hi. Sharam aati hai ke tujhe paane ke liye main aapne aap ko khone lagi hoon. Haan Shiva bahoth sharam aati hai, itni sharam aati hai ke kabhi kabhi main sochti hoon ke kash uss din mujhe thodi aur sharam ajati aur tere saath shaadi karne ke bajay, apna adhura kaam khatam kardeti aur phanke se…”
She trailed off in shock, her own thoughts scaring her. She hadn’t realized the extent of the pain that Shiva’s words had caused her – the mental and emotional torture that she had been suffering through for the past two weeks. Not a single time had she thought about repeating what she had done after Dev’s rejection, but these past few weeks had pushed her right back to that state of mind. Except this time, she felt even more broken, more hopeless, more lost. It was as if the will to fight, to live, to exist had been ripped out of her heart and been stomped on repeatedly. She stared back into his eyes, and she could see the guilt and fear swimming in his eyes, but it did nothing to appease the ache that was spreading all over her body. For the first time since they had gotten married, she had borne her heart completely – not leaving a single stone unturned but it only made her feel worse. The weight that she had expected to be lifted from her shoulders was now pushing her down into the ground. She crumbled onto the floor, hugging her knees to her chest – the tears she had been holding in, finally rolling down in waves. She clutched her head in pain, pulling at the roots of her hair – anything to overpower the internal pain.
Shiva stared at her in horror, tears running down his cheeks as he reached out to grab her but quickly retracted back. He had done this to her, he had completely broken her to this point. There wasn’t a single thing he could do right now to console or reassure her. He had crushed her underneath the weight of his own insecurities, his anger, his pain, his sharam.
