Chapter 5 //Virago//
[ (n.) A strong, brave or warlike woman; a woman who demonstrates exemplary and heroic qualities ]
Dev was soon brought out of his thoughts and continued on.
“We had just finished school and were going to Raavi’s house, I had thought that it was only Krish and I, but Shiva was secretly following behind us, well in retrospect it was expected that Shiva would be following us, when it comes to Raavi that guy has no restraint at all. Krish and I were very concerned for Raavi at that time, it was almost as if we were seeing a different Raavi. Let me tell you one thing Rishita, Raavi is someone who doesn’t back down, aur toh aur she is the kind of girl ki even if anyone hurts her on purpose, she will forgive them, she’s the kind to love everybody. Par the Raavi then, she was almost a shell of herself, something drastic had had to happen, otherwise the ever cheerful Raavi wouldn’t have behaved like that, so that week Krish and I kept watch on Raavi the whole time. Even if Raavi didn’t come home during those times she would make sure to talk to Dhara Bhabhi everyday, sometimes even Gaumbi and Maa as well, but that week she did not talk to anyone, in fact she was so closed off she had begun to scare all of us, Shiva was the most worried out of all of us, he would usually cover up any concern he had for Raavi, but in this case even he could not stop himself. In fact it was on his instance and meddling that Dhara Bhabhi had made us promise to keep watch on Raavi at all times, and we did, she would almost never be able to pay any attention in class, barely used to eat her food, did not play during recess times and on the last day she did not bother coming to school at all, the whole week none of saw anyone from Maami’s family as well, and Mama who does not miss even a single day of work did not go to work the whole week. Everyone at home thought that something was going on in their household or that they were just busy with something else and hence they stopped worrying too much, even if Dhara Bhabhi was tensed she didn’t act on her fears. Although I tried convincing myself that everything was fine, something was bothering me a lot, even if she didn’t come to school her behaviour over the past couple of days was very unusual, Raavi was a studious girl and almost always paid attention in class, but that week she was looking very disturbed. By the time school ended and we reached Raavi’s house it was late evening. No one was home, Mama had to go for work due to an emergency at the mills, Maami and Anita were at the temple for evening prayers, the house was eerily silent and we went up to Raavi’s room to see if she was there. When we stepped inside she was packing things into multiple suitcases that were laid out. Her room looked bare, the bright posters and drawings, pictures that she had stuck up lovingly and the row of wind chimes by her window had disappeared, we were very tensed, and I immediately went up to Raavi and spoke to her.”
“Raavi, yeh tu kya kar rahi hai? Are you going somewhere?” Dev asked, agitation and fear clear in his voice.
“Dev, tum yahan kya kar rahe ho?” Raavi counter-questioned. Everyone in the room knew that Raavi chose not to answer Dev’s question on purpose. But they were determined to know as well. What had happened in the span of a week?.
“Raavi are you okay?” Dev asked hesitantly, he did not want to agitate her at any cost, the Raavi he was witnessing was someone whom he had never seen before in his life. He was very apprehensive of about the outcome of this conversation.
That single question was enough for Raavi to burst into tears, she fell to the floor, crumbling as though she could no longer bear the weight of herself, and the weight of the problems of that seemed to plague her existence. Raavi had always been a happy child, carefree of the problems of the world, innocent and gullible, she always had somebody to shoulder her, from conflict and hatred, she always had a support system, even in the form of hatred, there was a constant in her life, but now she felt as if she had no one. Dev and Krish hastened to hug her and console her, Shiva who was right outside her room almost ran in, but restrained himself. He knew for a fact that if Raavi saw him, she would close up and not speak a word.
As Raavi felt warmth surrounding her she looked up, registering that she was on the floor and that Dev and Krish had joined her on the floor as well, holding her on either side as if to try and comfort her physically. For the first time in a very long time she finally felt the warmth encompass her, genuine warmth and love. She continued sobbing, but this time there were people who would wipe her tears away, the pillow would not soak up her tears this time, the silent witness to her pain and hopelessness. Although she was surrounded by warmth, she was craving for someone else’s arms to hold her, cradle her to himself and wipe her tears, she wanted to feel the imprint of lips that she always felt at the end of a hard day, she wanted Shiva to hold her. Even if it she knew it was not possible, even if she felt that he would come running at the sight of her tears, she had to hold herself back. Sobbing and hiccuping she was about to tell Dev and Krish to leave but then held herself back, knowing that if they left they would come back with their entire family and right now she could not handle anyone else seeing her in this state.
“Raavi, what is even going on? Tu aise ro ro ke kya haal bana rahi hai apna?” Dev asked, the urgency and hint of panic in his voice prompting Krish to speak up as well.
“Raavi, please bol na humko, kya hua, please? Krish spoke. Although Raavi wanted to tell them everything she was unable to open her mouth, her throat felt heavy, as if something was there holding her back, the thoughts were haywire, she didn’t understand what she was feeling, how would she explain that to someone else? The grief threatened to overwhelm her, yet she did not understand where the grief even stemmed from, she felt a myriad of emotions. Trying to calm down she took a couple of deep breaths, her sobs reducing to whimpers, slowly accepting the water Krish passed hers she leaned back heavily, Dev and Krish mimicking her movements.
They sat in solidarity and silence for a while, Raavi’s whimpers being the only sounds penetrating the tense silence, the time that Raavi was silent, she thought, what would happen if I open up? Would it be worth it? Would they understand her, or like her MaasiMaa and Anita Di they would simply say that she is being a teenager and ask her to let go? She didn’t know what to do. Closing her eyes she laid her head on Dev’s shoulder and felt Krish’s head come to rest on her own, both their arms holding her, trying to comfort her and reassure her. Taking a deep breath she decided to open up, for once not thinking of consequences or the aftermath like she had been since the past couple of weeks.
“I was packing to go away to hostel, and before the both of you start protesting, hear me out, please.” Raavi pleaded, her voice strangely heavy and defeated. Dev looked at Krish, his gaze conflicted, a few seconds later both of them nodded unanimously.
Meanwhile Outside Raavi’s room, Shiva felt as if the ground beneath him was quaking, she wanted to leave him, and Somnath. Maybe not forever, but she wanted to leave, the mere idea of her doing so was causing his heart to pound heavily. Shiva wanted to barge into her room and tie her to himself, exactly the way he used to as a kid. The way he used to. He held back one more time, hoping that maybe Krish and Dev would knock some sense into her head. Raavi’s voice brought Shiva out of his thoughts and he strained his ears to try and listen to everything she spoke.
“Pata hai, mai na 10 dinn ki thi jab mere mummy-papa ne mujhe chod diya, woh dono chale gaye mujhe chod ke, phir MaasiMaa aur MausaPaa ne mujhe paala, mujhe bada kiya, mujhe kabhi bhi maa-papa ki kami mehsoos karne nahi diya. Par na kabhi kabhi khalti hai mujhe unki kami, kya karoon mai?. Duniya ke hisaab se sab kuch hai mere paas, aur toh aur mujhe apna dukh dikhane ki ijaazat bhi nahi. Kabhi kabhi sochti hoon ki na iss saab se bhaag jaaun. Mujhe na samajh mein nahi aa raha kuch bhi.” Raavi spoke, she started sobbing once again.
By this point Shiva had had enough, he had enough of his baseless hatred towards Raavi, even if to his younger self she was the person that was connected him and his family to Maami, he knew that she was more than that, she was not just Maami ki Behen ki beti, she was Raavi. Her own self. He could not hold himself back any longer. She mattered more to him than anyone else, he pushed her away but he himself could not bear to stay away, some nights his decisions weighed on him, pushing him down. He barged in, Dev and Krish looked startled, but Dev gave him a knowing look, a few seconds later he nodded. The three of them shared a knowing look. Soon enough Dev and Krish got up. Raavi was still sobbing incessantly, she did not notice Shiva enter. Dev and Krish got up and left silently, understanding that they were not needed there any more.
“Aur phir hum wahan se chalegaye, hume nahi pata kya hua tha” Dev finished. Rishita looked at Krish and Dev and wondered what actually happened between the two of them.
Shiva saw her sobbing, and hugging herself, trying to comfort herself, he immediately sat by her, grabbed her and put her on his lap, his arms coming around her in a tight hug, holding her to his chest. He expected her to push him away, especially after everything. He was hesitant but knew that she needed him. He sat there with her when he felt her arms come up, her tiny palm fisting his shirt and the other snaked up to and into his hair. Holding him tight. She held on. Then his grip tightened.
Raavi felt the warmth that had surrounded her slip away, she wrapped her arms around herself, to hug herself and comfort herself, when she felt him lift her up and place her on his lap, his arms holding her tightly to himself, she was tucked away into his chest. She finally felt the warmth she needed. The fire that had scorched her previously, soothed her now, the fire that threatened to burn her then, now provided inexplicable warmth, that was slowly melting away the walls she had tried so hard to build around herself. His hold was tight but also hesitant, as if he was expecting her to push him away. Oh, and she wanted to push him away, but she couldn’t. How could she, she was not that strong. She held onto him, her arms binding them to his torso and neck, clutching him in a death grip, she could not afford to let go of him now. She felt his arms grip her tighter. She relaxed into his hold. Her sobs quietening down, dying down to soft sniffles and light whimpers. She snuggled deeper into his body and felt him kiss the top of her head.
Oh thank lord, they thought.
Gathering some courage, both of them looked up at each other. Her arms tightened around him on instinct, she scooted further into his lap, burrowing her head into the crook of his neck. His arms held her waist tighter, vowing to never let go of her ever again.
“Tu yahan kya kar raha hai?” She asked hesitantly, almost as if she was worried he would get up and leave. Shiva did not fail to notice how her tone seemed different, the once chirpy and bubbly voice seemed so small and tensed. His grip around her tightened.
“Tere liye aaya Raavi” he spoke, his voice firm as if trying to reassure her.
“Pichle ekk hafte se tu ghar nahi aayi, na Pandya stores pe, I got worried, tu theek hai?” She looked up at him, her eyes teary once again, surprised at his soft tone, she had not had him speak like that to her in a very long time. She looked away from him not wanting to open up to him, worried that he may find all of her woes to be pointless and superficial. She felt his warm hands on her face wiping away the tears that fallen and coaxing her to look up at him once again. The soft smile on his face made her hide her face in his shoulder. The look she had longed to see on his face was there, but she was scared. What if he went back to being the way he was? Raavi did not have enough capacity in her to face such a situation again.
“Shiva kya tu bina koi sawaal kiye meri puri baat sunega?” She asked hesitantly, He nodded.
“Aaj kal na mujhe bohot akela akela sa lagne laga hai, pata nahi kyun. Doston ke saath hoti hoon, MausaPa, MaasiMaa ke saath hoti hoon mujhe phir bhi tanha sa lagtha hai. Sab ke saath hasi mazak kar leti hoon, par jab akele hoti tu to muskurana bhi bohot mushkil lagta hai. Itne saare apnon ke beech hoti hoon par phir koi apna nahi lagta. It almost feels as if I have no sense of belonging to anyone, although I know ki MausaPa aur MaasiMaa love me to the ends of the world, and Dhara Di aur Gaumbi bhi hai mere saath. Bohot ajeeb lagta hai Shiva. Bohot dukh hota hai par uss dukh ka wajah nahi pata mujhe. Kisi ko aise baathe bolun ko sab mejhe ye bolte hai ki is umar meh to ye saari feelings hote hi hai aur inpe mujhe dhyaan nahi dena chahiye, but I can’t help it.”
She looked away from him once again, taking a deep breath, she gathered herself and began speaking again, her tone slightly accusing and questioning.
“Bohot baar sochti hoon ki agar MaasiMaa ne waisa nahi kiya hota toh kya shayad hum abhi bhi waise hi hote? Jaise hum bachpan me the. Pehle mein toh samajh mein nahi aata tha ki tu kyun mujhse itni nafrat karta tha, phir na samay ke saath samajh gayi. Bohot dukh hua, pehle toh mai tere liye teri Raavi thi, par Maasi ke wajah se mai Maami ki Behen ki beti bann gayi, aisa kyun? Kyun mujhe tune khud se door kiya. Dinn bar sochthi rehti thi, aur na phir mujhe lagne laga ki shayad tujhe mujhe dekh ke teri Maami ke bure kaam hi yaad aate the. Toh maine bhi socha ki kyun pareshan karun mai tujhe. Par nah, tujhse door nahi reh paati thi, bachpan se kabhi rehne ki zaroorat nahi thi, toh ladayi jhagde ke bahane tere paas toh aahi jaati thi main. Par abhi toh vaisa kuch bhi karne ka mann hi nahi karta hai. Shiva, main kya karoon? Tu chahiye mujhe meri life mein, par na tujhe takleef nahi deni, peri family ne tumhe aur tumhare pariwaar ko bohot theez pohochai, main tujhe aur Dard nahi dena chahti, jitni bhi koshish kar lun shayad tere liye main hamesha Maami ki Behen ki beti banke rahungi, waapas teri Raavi kabhi nahi banungi.”
Raavi had started sobbing once again, her tears choking her, she wanted to say so much more, but she could not. She began hyperventilating, and then she pushed Shiva away from her, immediately getting up from his lap and walking as far as possible from him. She sat down by the bay window in her room, curling into herself, her arms going across her chest, the tips of her fingers coming to rest on her shoulders her palms began to lightly tap her shoulders as she rocked back and forth in a motion too smooth to be done for the first time.
Shiva on the other was just standing trying to process what Raavi had told but was also very concerned for her. He wanted to pull her back into his arms as soon as she got up and went away from him, but he also knew that she needed some space, it was not always that he could be all up in her face, he understood that she needed to collect herself. So he waited until her fast paced rocking motion slowed down. He slowly approached her, noticing her calm down visibly. He contemplated whether or not to hug her, he did not want to overwhelm her. Slowly he placed his hand on hers, covering her palm. Upon not facing any resistance from her he sat down behind her, speeding his legs and pulling her into the space between them, her back resting on his chest, his arms came across her chest laying over her own, his palms tapping her shoulders lightly, his chin came to rest on her shoulder.
“Raavi, breathe saans le” He tried to get her to calm down and match his breathing. Slowly his and her breathing reached a relaxed pattern. She leaned back onto his chest closing her eyes, allowing herself to seek his warmth and comfort once again. She wanted to start talking to him once again, to tell him about all her pain, yet something was holding her back, she did not want to trust him that easily, being vulnerable around him was something she did not want to do, at least not yet. For once she was hesitant around him and he was not unknown to that. He knew that he could not essentially get mad at her for that, he was partly the reason for that, he pushed her away and despite her trying to come closer he did not allow her to, even if he knew that it was not entirely her fault he pushed her away, kept calling her Maami ki Behen ki beti to remind himself that she was the thread that connected him to Maami, the bane of his existence. He knew he had to apologise to her.
“Raavi, sorry, please maaf kar de, bohot koshish ki maine ki main terese door reh paaun, pann aur nahi hopayega mujhse. Bachpan se bohot sataya hai maine tumhe, har bar maine tumpe Maami ka gussa nikala hai, bina wajah ke tumhe apna dushman banaya hai. Tumse bohot nainsaafi ki hai maine, jab maine tumhe khud se door kiya tha, phir bhi tu aayi mere paas, har baar. Tujhe pata hai, jab tu pehli baar aayi na waapas mere paas, mujhe jaise waapas thoda sa sukoon mil gaya, tumse lad kar jhagad kar kaise toh bhi kar kar tere paas reh gaya. Pichle ekk hafte se jo tumhe nahi dekha, Itna bechain hogaya main, seh nahi paa raha tha teri kami, ghutan si hoti thi. Reh hi nahi paaya teri surat dekhe bina. Maaf karde na, door nahi reh paunga abhi. Sorry.”
Shiva kept whispering muted apologies to her. Raavi was elated but still scared. Her Shiva came back to her, her best friend was back with her. She didn’t know whether to cry or to laugh. Leaning back into him further she spoke.
“Shiva, main na waapas teri Raavi bann gayi, par pehli baar itne saal baad mujhe tumpe aitbaar nahi horaha hai. Mujhe abhi bhi darr lagraha hai, door hojayega tu mujhse, aur agar aise ekk aur baar hua nah toh main seh nahi paaungi, pehle maa-papa chalegayi, unka pyaar kabhi mehsoos nahi kar payi, maasi aur mausapa hai toh unki kami itni nahi khalti, pann na, tera pyaar dekhkar, tera ghussa aur nafrat seh kar na maine khudko thoda thoda sameta, durr jaana chahti thi tumse, tu na mera best friend tha, in fact best friend seh zyaada. You were my person Shiva, aur phir tu mujhe chodd ke chala gaya. Abhi vaapas aana chahte ho toh dil hi nahi maan raha hai. Kal agar maasi ne koi aur galath kaam kardiya toh? Phirse main Maami ki Behen ki beti bann jaungi na. Nahi karna mujhe tumpe aitbaar.”
Shiva who knew that she would be reluctant was ready with an answer.
“Tu na hamesha Maami ki Behen ki beti rahegi, pann na nafrat main nahi, tu mujhe hamesha yaad dilayegi ki Maami chahe jitna bhi gir jaaye, ussne uski puri zindagi main ekk acha kaam kiya, aur woh hai tujhe paalna aur humari zindagi mein laana, rishte mein shaayad tum hogi Maami ki Behen ki beti par tu hamesha meri Raavi hi rahegi. Please ekk aur chance dede. Ekk last, main vaada kartha hoon ki main tujhe khudpe aithbaar karne ki wajah doonga.”
Shiva spoke pleadingly, his arms holding her tight, head pressed into the crook of her neck. Raavi finally let herself go, trusting him to hold her. Once again. This time she let herself hope that he will always hold onto her.
A few minutes of amicable silence later, Dev spoke again. “Hum toh wahan se chale gaye the, aur aaj tak hume pata nahi chala ki unn dono ke beech kya baath hui thi, par uss dinn se unn dono ke beech waapas sulah hogaya, par usske baadh bhi Raavi ko bohot time laga waapas pehele ki tarah banne mein, uss dauraan na Shiva ka hum sab ne bohot alag roof dekha.”
Just as Dev was about to elaborate the landing announcement came and they all snapped back into routine, looking around to see if they had forgotten anything. Dev too forgot to finish whatever he was saying and busied himself with his carry on luggage. Rishita’s eyes strayed to Shiva and Raavi, Shiva was trying to wake Raavi up softly, she was still asleep, her head on Shiva’s shoulder and her arms wrapped around his. Shiva was trying to shake her awake. Krish noticed Rishita look towards Raavi and Shiva again. Patting her on the shoulder he said,
“Arreeyyy, aapko yeh dekh ke shock laga na? Jab Shiva ko pehli baar dekha na mujhe toh jhatka hi lag gaya, aur sunni hi uss time ke barre mein?"
Excited Rishita said
“Haan haan kyun nahi, mujhe toh sunni hai!”
“Toh na aate wakqt mere saath baith jao, aaj aapko Bhootnath-Chipkali puraan sunaonga!”
Rishita nodded happily in excitement. She just couldn’t wait to know more, she had barely landed in Hyderabad but was super pumped for the trip, not just because she could watch all the cutesy cutesy things that Shiva and Raavi did, but also she could finally find out more about their story.
Arjun
Cricket
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