For Barun and Sanaya
You do not see me
I'm watching you. Is that you? Are my thoughts and desires directed only to you? That worries me. I don't want to wake up tomorrow and think I haven't seen you. I'm looking at you ... Again that feeling that I was wrong somewhere. We've been together for so long, and yet I have this feeling that I'm missing something. I love you, I know that, and I feel that's not it. My confusion is growing as the days, months, years go by. Did I feel like I could love someone else? Yes. And that feeling of emptiness, when I sit next to you and when I watch you play with our son ... A thousand questions, and no answers.
How much do the two of us know? Do I know you, you as my love, as someone I met a long time ago and who is still there. They say that a man can hide his right from another person for 35 days, and the two of us have been together for ten years. And yet somehow I feel like it’s not my life.
This morning I woke up next to you and thought: you, me and our son, who snuck between us and who is everything in the world to you and me. I look at you, and it's like you're a stranger. What's happening to me? My son, who can get everything when he looks at me with those green eyes, and the feeling of emptiness never passes.
I have to do something. I have to see you to see myself. And I have to accept this reality. I live someone else's life. I'm not me. I miss myself. That is the essence. I don't see myself. When I'm me, I'll probably think of you too.
When you proposed to me, it was strange to you that I fell silent, that I did not answer immediately. Now I know the reason. I was afraid I would lose myself and it happened.
I have lost the part of myself that I miss. The most beautiful part. The one I admired and the one you admired. A little wild, but full of faith in something better and more beautiful. I loved walking barefoot on the hot asphalt while the summer rains were falling. To sing with the company in the wee hours in front of the building, to play between two fires. I watch our son grow. He walks with us, rides a bicycle with us, he doesn't have the real one, our childhood. I was free, like a bird, and now ... Our son is not free. I keep him in a cage. It's my fault, I don't want to worry. And my freedom is now somewhere far away from me. I watch our son with trepidation, so that he doesn't get hit, so that he doesn't get hurt, and I think that's the reason why I lost myself. I don't let him be free. And that's why I lost myself somewhere, and you too. We dedicated ourselves to our career, home and child, and we lost ourselves. I would like us to meet and not spend the rest of our lives searching for ourselves.
I'm watching you. You wake up slowly and I see you, and you don't see me. You see what I'm projecting, but I'm not there.
Please, let's try to see each other. Although I love you more than anything in the world I am lost and I need you to see me.
Cricket
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