Ex Gonna Giv It To Ya
The wife
Geet are you excited?'
To attend my father's wedding and welcome my step mother at this age, of course not Anni. What kind of stupid question is that?' I was frustrated beyond limits, not only was my father re-marrying but to that plant-giving cow. Who marries a gardening assistant, they were like the boring couch potatoes! But no one, and repeat no one understood that; not my dad who asked keenly for my opinion and then laughed at me, AT ME! Nor did Maan, who tried persuading, telling tales of how lonely my daddy, MIND YOU MY DAD, is or at least was back home, in a lavish country home. Well tough! It was his age to be a granddad, not to marry; and most definitely not honeymooning, what would follow next: babymoon. Eww I can't have a baby sister or brother' I cried looking at Anni. Wait was that possible? It couldn't be, could it?' I questioned poor confused Anni who grew apprehensive with each second. Ignoring her fish-out-of-water actions, I focused on the real problem: Kabir just couldn't have an aunt or uncle younger than him. Oh man this was all so messed up!
No, to go back to England you silly; this is the first time you're going alone after marriage. Your friends must be excited'. Was this her attempt to curb my thoughts?
Anni has the baby bump affected your head' I felt her forehead just to be sure while she swatted it away looking hurt, I know its mean but what can I do? Daddy's marrying that notorious weed breeder, why else would a corporate administer plant so much? Of course to grow heroine, weed, cannabis and the other class A drugs and sell them to drug dealers earning easy cash. My dads walking into a criminal territory, not walking but marrying practically. Oh why oh why were men this stupid? Even Maan who acts like the wisest couldn't see the future I was seeing, King of hotel held captive in a Thailand prison after being caught for smuggling drugs' that would be the headline, and a small pixelated picture of an old man in orange suit would follow. Maybe there'd even be a picture of me when I go to visit him in jail. Oh my blood boils just with the thought of that planting tramp running scot free. Oh cows, cows cows cows the whole lot of them
Geet, bhabi, BHABI' Anni screamed finally breaking into my thoughts but Kabir woke up too, SHHH' my eyes glared at her hearing my sweet sweet boy whimper. What followed was babying and hushing, and Walla my 6 month old son dozed off again. Yes he takes after his lazy father, who apparently isn't as lazy when it comes to running after girls. How typical?
Do you reckon you'll see any of your exes?' Anni whispered this time as Kabir sniffed me, an innocent act that swells my big fat heart. Why is my son so damn cute, just like ME? OH GOSH' I huffed placing little Kabir in the cot, and then continued packing. Whether I wanted to or not, whether I liked it or not; I was still being forced to attend my father's wedding with his assistant, Juliet. No I'm not even joking, she's really called Juliet. Who on earth names their kids Juliet, should I rename dad from Mohinder to Romeo. How ludicrous? Oh why was the world filled with evil planters who trap poor old innocent dads? Key word here OLD, like seriously old dads. He's nearly 60, then why on earth would he want to marry. The only decent thing was that he was marrying a woman as old as him, thank god he wasn't going to be anyone's sugar daddy. Imagine having a stupid bimbo as a step-mother, wait even worse a much younger than me step-mother, oh the horrors!
I hate my life' I cried throwing myself onto the bed, I was feeling extremely angry already but Anni's hushed whispering into my ear made it worse. That girl is my soul sister, but at times like this I so wish that soul was somewhere else. Anni' I thought to scold but couldn't, her soft gentle eyes just made it so hard, so damn hard. Those eyes also reminded me of her minging brother, yes my unclassified tart husband of mine. Just yesterday WE met a waitress who he also had a fling with; one night. If we go by the list, that's like the 30th woman I know he had a thing with. Obviously after that revelation I stormed out the restaurant halting Kabir's 6 month-a-versary celebration, and then made him spend the night in the study once again. Kabir you're dad is a dating cow' I whispered
I'm not like your brother, 16 and counting. I've ONLY dated a cheating freak and a school bad boy. THAT'S ALL' I answered getting back to folding clothes, highlighting my innocent love life which wasn't corrupted by several males unlike my husband's. Who'd probably break the world record when it came down to dating and girlfriends? Should he apply for the Guinness title?
A bad boy, Geet you never told me' Anni jumped all excited, a taboo she fantasised of, all her life.
Well I was 15 at the time, he was a newbie; some assumed he came from jail and others claimed he was a hitman' I must admit it felt nice, so nice that I just had to channel the inner David Attenborough in me, sounding all serious and narrator like.
The proper serious biker types, the types that smoke and look smouldering hot. Oh man his eyes, those serious stares and that smirk. People can just die' my excitement ran wild just with the memory of him. He was so dreamy' I signed as Anni brushed her shoulder with mine in glee. He never spoke, not even when I asked him out, he just nodded like a little tilt' I continued feeling Anni's hold on me strengthen, we both were in the zone again, giggling like school girls. Oh he was intense, the way he held me. The way he walked and stared'
Hayye' Anni yearned breathlessly looking every bit involved
We made every girl jealous and I loved it. You'd melt just with one look, and he made all our hearts pound' I laughed and so did Anna, totally intrigued
Then what happened' she asked with eager eyes
Well he left one fine day, my friends thought he was arrested for attempted murder and others said he ran away from home but I don't know. We never really talked much, he never really spoke but that's what makes him so desirable'
More than bhai'
Heck way more, serious men in black are like every girl's fantasy especially when they are so remote to dating' I gushed instantly with a look of certainty and Anni nodded as if she too knew what I was saying but did she, that was the question?
What was he called?
John Smith, I think', I know such a mood killer. A guy as hot as him should be Julius or Noah or some other hot name, but no John, that was like the old fat man who lived in every second street. I saw horror on Anni's face, as if doubting my choice. The name sounded so bland; so made up but as usual she plastered a smile without asking a question. Oh I love my soul sister.
The situation
Geet' the scream came before Maan and his angry red eyes, while all Geet did was act ignorant knowing every well why her desirable husband was upset and a peanut Anni stared in confusion until her brother picked her up and threw her out his bedroom, of course careful enough not to hurt the pregnant Anni. Last she heard was her brother holler, Geet laugh and Kabir cry.
The husband
Geet hurry up' I screamed taking down her luggage, what on earth was she planning. 2 weeks' vacation, should not equal to 5 luggage's and 2 holdalls yet I decided to stay shut, I mean after being married to Geet for so long, one just learns to keep quiet.
All ready?' I smile as she patters down the stairs, Kabir on her hip
Hmmm, Maan do I need to go?' she asks with those soft puppy eyes and I can't help but look away, one more second and I'd fall apart.
Geet we've discussed this, stop being selfish and be there for your dad for once' I shouldn't have probably said that in irritation, ouch' I scream next as her bag smashed against her torso with her screaming I AM SELFISH, ME SELFISH?' and then envisioned her falling to the grounds crying I'm the epitome of giving, like a true Indian wife. Always attending, always giving and forever caring for you'. Yes it has happened people, ever since Kabir's birth Geet's upped a notch on her drama. Maan did you just call my Geet selfish?' Dadi pulled me by my elbow, with a look of disgust as Geet sucked up her. Oh man!
The situation
Maan stood by the door as Geet ignored him and said her goodbyes to everyone else. She was going a week in advance to spend more time with her daddy, and maybe knock some sense into that thick skull. Men, why were they such bimbos? Like the soap Dadi watches, the smart looking fools dated a cheat and then called down all females, mate if you chose the girl then have the guts to know it was you who wanted to be deceived? Why not bother with simpletons like herself or even like Pari, Pinky, Deepika, Anni and Dadi; all her women and like her, one man woman. But no, men had to go for beautiful looking cheats, wasn't she beautiful enough?
Geet Geet Geet' Anni ran down panting like a hyperventilating child
Geet lets go, ignore my foolish sister'
MAAN' came the reprimand from Dadi once again, with Anni being pregnant she was becoming impossible to deal with, no not more than Geet but nothing less either. After all Geet was her role model, poor Arjun almost died twice and no not of shock, but actually died attending to her whimsical woes. He vowed that if the baby wasn't born soon then he shall defo meet his grave earlier than expected.
You know that John guy we were talking about yesterday' she muttered, eyes as big as saucepans well I think he's a serial killer now' she whispered after a pause, looking as white as a ghost; Geet also turned white in fright
D...on'...t be sil...ly' Geet cried in a stammer looking between her husband and his sister incredulously
No seriously I was googling him, apparently he has had enough of women and plans to avenge, Geet I'm scared' she cried as Geet too clutched onto her for her dear life. While the rest of the Khurannas watched the two girls hug and cry like the worlds ending, DOOMS DAY in the making
Don't go London, what if he kills you and then ' she stopped with wide eyes and Geet teared in fear, but Maan being Maan pulled her out and spoke of how excited her dad would be seeing her home after years. When all she thought about was How can anyone be excited in a funeral?' and that too of his own daughter. But at least this way her father wouldn't be imprisoned in Thailand for smuggling drugs. Wasn't SHE the perfect daughter? But why was the thought of wearing black and sleeping in a coffin making her cry.
Maan I don't want to go?' she immediately objected, no way was she sleeping in a coffin and being buried under ground.
Geet we've been through this, now sit' he admonished and she grew red, how dare her imbecile of a husband treat her like a pet; ordering her around like how an owner would to his dog!
Kota, bandar, ullu' she swore like Dadi and he rolled his eyes, Geet living in India was the worst decision of his life. They should have shifted to London when her dad asked, at least that way she wouldn't swear in accented Hindi.
The wife
I couldn't even fret on the plane, Kabir cried throughout the journey, probably uncomfortable or was he a wizard. Could my baby boy vision my death like Phoebe from the Charmed sister's. OMG I'm a witch too, am I?
Oh who the hell I'm a kidding?' I bawled out louder than expected
Are you ok miss?' the air hostess asked trying to be polite as passenger threw dirties at me
Well I think I'm going to be murdered, my husband is probably with one of his exes, my son just doesn't stop crying, my daddy will soon be the world's oldest smuggler, and I'm getting a druggie as my step-mother, so NO I AM NOT OK' I wanted to scream but instead I mocked a tight smile as my co-passengers stared me down. The damn stares and the tch tch tch was hell irritating, why are they so annoying? How is it my or Kabir's fault if lift travellers haven't been invented, had they; I would have gladly taken my adorable son to London in one. With just one press of a button, I would have been teleported to another country within a second and that too without the hassle of a plane and PASSENGERS. But since it isn't, I am stuck on a plane with thousands of creepy starrers. Old folks and men, are so inconsiderate! My son is uncomfortable and they are asking me to be silent; stupid mongs I am not the one wailing but the baby in my lap is? Are they blind or did they actually think my stomach is screeching?
How's my cub?' Mohinder shouted with outstretched arms
I'm fine papa' I smiled despite the murderous tension, the thoughts of John Smith heightened having reached Heathrow airport. Even before stepping off the plane, I searched for any lookalikes and continued ever since. Ofcourse it didn't help because there were millions at the terminal, many with tattoos as Anni described. Apparently he got a new tattoo for every girl he killed. Why did someone want someone as innocent, as beautiful, as cute me dead? Life is not fair, I date two, one is a traitor and the other a killer while Maan dates half the world, if not universe, I'm sure if possible he would had been smooching ghosts, vampires and goblins alike. Though I don't mean to be rude, I'm sure most of his exes are witches, starting off with Sameera. Oh I hate my life', it not fair Maan should have 3/4 slaughterers too, at least that would have taught him a lesson.
Not you but my Kabir' he said to my horrified face stopping all thoughts. How dare my daddy, use my pet name, for my son? I'm still alive! Its mine and only mine' I wanted to scream stomping my feet but then stopped as Juliet caught my eye. No she's not hot, that bowl of dishevelled wrinkles can never be anything other than a drug dealer.
How are you dear?' she asked and I so wished I could pour orange juice on her rather than her plants, but maybe it's already too late seeing as she was already orange in fake tan, eww a fashion catastrophe. Where are the cops when you need them, they should arrest the orange courgette dressed in green overalls. Oh sweet daddy, what have you done? Papa' I called the next second, waving my hand over his eyes just to check he wasn't blind. Why else would someone date such a horror? That's, not only planting drugs but also dressing like a freak.
Ok you rest darling' Papa insisted walking me to my old room once we reached home, the ride home wasn't as awkward since most of my and papa's attention was on Kabir; he's such a bright child, my child.
Do let me know if you need anything?' Juliet squawked, I wasn't deaf woman just maybe a little fat due to pregnancy but everything else was fine' I wanted to say but then stopped seeing Papa turn at the door and look at us in an endearing manner. I swear I saw her mouth twitch into an evil smirk watching him leave happily. What happened to you, swallowed by an orange?' I said the minute dad left, I know it was rude but what step-daughter likes her step-mum? So it's fair, isn't it? Remember Cinderella, Snow white and their evil step mothers', now I couldn't afford to be Snow or Ella, I sure wasn't going to work with my freshly manicured nails or in my designers jeans, and definitely wouldn't allow my golden Kabir do anything for that fashion disaster. He might just turn colour blind.
I'm tired' I said wanting her out, just the thought of me slaving behind her angered my being, I am Geet Khuranna and a former Handa, so I own her; well at least the past her who worked under my dad in our company as an assistant.
The situation
Apparently persuading was a harder task then first expected, Geet spend most of the last week trying to talk her dad out of marrying even showed studies connecting planting with drug dealing which accounted to zero, how could no professor or doctor find a link between the two. How preposterous was this world? Absolutely crazy!
So the night before the wedding, Geet was parading in her room thinking of ways of deterring the wedding, Maan lounged on the sofa with Kabir on his stomach, both father-son duo giggled and blew raspberries on one another while Geet finally fell flat on the bed. He, her good-for-nothing-calling-her-selfish-kind-of husband came the day before, finally joining her to witness the holy matrimony of her father re-marrying to a cow, make that a drug-dealing-plant-giving-mega-cow who was also orange in colour. Come to think of it, her father, her daddy was best off marrying an orange, since even that looked better than her future step-mother. I hate oranges, never buy that fruit ever again' she ordered menacingly.
Geet give up, your dad finally looks so happy' he inserted between her mumblings, she looked at him dazed for several minutes, one two three or was it five minutes that passed with her just looking squarely at him making him uncomfortable, and before he could complain 'Geet', she jumped up in a fright.
He's here' she screamed running to him and then there was a knock, BANG BANG, the person on the other side knocked twice before Maan let out a soft Come in', Geet weirdly turned around hiding behind him and Kabir was now on his hip as they stood in wonder seeing Juliet walk in with a rather handsome man; he had blonde hair, blue eyes and a well-defined face. Maan couldn't help but look behind and see his little wife, as if inspecting if she was as dazed by him as she was whenever she saw Sean Faris but luckily she had turned her head right down to the floor, looking mesmerised by the floor or better yet hiding her face.
Meet John, my nephew' Juliet proudly introduced
John, John Smith' he, the man with the deep blue eyes said shaking Maan's hand as he eyed the woman behind, from below the shirt one could see numbers and tattoos on his skin all looking fresh and new, caught my lightening Geet looked at his hand and then his face, and he smiled rather recklessly, Hello Geet' he greeted with a meaningful look and she grasped onto Maan like life depended on it.
The wife
He's back, he really is back. I heard his voice travelling from the corridor to my room even before I saw his face and suddenly black-death plagued my mind. Now don't ask how I know it's his voice, I just do. One just knows the sound of death, and I, Geet Maan Singh Khuranna formerly known as Geet Handa, knew death knocked right on my door, make that 2 loud bangs.
Good bye world and hello dark dusty compacted coffin' this is the message I wanted to send Anni who called everyday to know whether I lived another glorious day or not. Anni' I cried as Maan and John walked out the room
But suddenly at the door, John stopped Care to join me Geet' he called and I froze, as in froze to death. I AM DEAD, I AM DEAD, I AM DEAD
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CID
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
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