
Previously On...
Armaan & Riddhima talk. They both apologize to each other for their behavior in the past.
Armaan talks to Padma and makes her realize that she shouldn't blame Shilpa for what happened with Karthik.
Riddhima asks to see Shilpa.
Track 27 - Brothers and Sisters, Coldplay
To say that Armaan was surprised at Riddhima's request would be an understatement. He'd thought that Riddhima would toil over the decision for at least a few days before coming to a conclusion. But, she was asking now. He was bowled over.
"What?" Armaan asked, shocked.
"Can I see her now?" Riddhima repeated.
Armaan's words had made her realize that blaming Shilpa was wrong. Really, what was the poor girl's fault that her father was an asshole? And, if she was being completely candid, she loved that Shilpa had given up on him because of her. She hadn't even known Riddhima then, but knowing that she had a sibling somewhere, who her father had abandoned, was enough for her to know that Shilpa genuinely cared.
Blaming Shilpa for what had transpired between her mother and Shilpa's father (that man would never be Riddhima's father. Never.) was wrong. Because, of course, it wasn't her fault. Riddhima just needed someone to take her anger out on, and Shilpa had been the easiest target. So, she'd done exactly that and then started blaming Shilpa for everything, even though none of it was her fault.
If, she blamed Shilpa for carrying that man's blood in her veins, she'd have to blame herself too, because much as she hated it, she shared that man's DNA. And nothing could change that. He'd never be her father, but he'd always be her sperm donor.
"Um... Yeah. Sure," Armaan answered skeptically. Riddhima grinned at him.
The two of them set out to find Shilpa, leaving all the people in the room baffled at what had happened in just in the span of a few minutes.
"Hey!" Armaan greeted Karan. "Is she okay?"
Karan scrambled up from his place on the floor and stood up. "I think so, he replied. "But she hasn't said anything, no matter how much I knock.
He looked to see Riddhima standing behind Armaan and was shocked.
"What are you doing here?" He asked. "Was what happened at breakfast not enough?"
"I... I just wanted to apologize for saying that to her," Riddhima replied in a small voice.
"Apologize?" Karan confirmed.
"Yes," Riddhima answered, nodding frantically. "I didn't think. It was just a shock and took all my anger out on her and that wasn't fair. So, I want to tell her that I'm sorry."
"Please don't say anything to upset her further," Karan pleaded.
Riddhima smiled at him and nodded. "I won't."
She turned and knocked on the door. "Shilpa," she said, "it's me. Riddhima. I... Look... I... God, this is difficult. I just... I'm... Sorry! I'm really, really sorry for... I'm sorry for calling you... God, that was so wrong. I'm sorry for calling you that, essentially equating you with garbage. And, I understand if you don't want to talk to me, but... Um... I would... I'd really like it if we could try to have a civil conversation. I'm not... I can't make any promises, but... Uh... Can we at least talk?"
Shilpa opened the door when she heard that. Her eyes were swollen and there tears on her face. It looked like she'd been crying for hours. She pulled Riddhima into a tight hug, still crying. Riddhima was taken aback by the gesture, but hugged her back nonetheless, as Armaan and Karan looked on, smiling.
A few minutes later, Shilpa stepped back and pulled Riddhima into the room.
"So, why don't you guys talk while I get you two something to eat? Neither of you have eaten anything since morning and that's not healthy," Armaan announced.
"I'm not hungry," both of them replied at the same time. Armaan and Karan chuckled at that.
"Well, I'm sorry, but that wasn't a choice. I'm getting some food in the two of you," Armaan insisted.
"Armaan... I'm really not hungry at the moment," Riddhima answered.
"I'm sorry, but I thought we were doing this my way," Armaan told her. "And my ways says that you need to eat now."
"I never said anything like that!" Riddhima cried.
"Yes, you did. When you agreed to my suggestion. So, you're going to eat. And that's the last I'll hear of this," he said, his voice ringing finalty.
"Fine," Riddhima and Shilpa chorussed.
"Good girls," Armaan replied, smirking. "Chal, Karan."
Armaan pulled Karan out of the room and the two women watched them leave. Riddhima turned to look at Shilpa, but Shilpa was still watching the door from where the two had left.
Riddhima had noticed the way Shilpa stared at Karan when she thought no one was looking. She looked at Karan with so much love and longing, that Riddhima was reminded of herself, 7 years ago when she (Riddhima) looked at Armaan the same way.
"You love him, don't you?" She asked Shilpa.
Shilpa was brought out of her thoughts by Riddhima's voice and looked at her startled.
"What? Who? Armaan? No way!" Shilpa denied vehemently, thinking that Riddhima was talking about Armaan.
Shilpa knew that Riddhima suspected her feelings for Armaan to some extent when she was interning in Mumbai. Maybe it was because Riddhima herself had similar feelings for Armaan, which was why she was able to see through Shilpa so clearly, or maybe it was something else, but Shilpa always felt that Riddhima knew more than what she was letting on.
So, Shilpa thought that Riddhima was talking about Armaan now too, assuming that Shilpa still had feelings for him, when she didn't.
"Not Armaan," Riddhima answered, laughing lightly. "I was talking about Karan."
"Oh," Shilpa muttered, taken aback. She didn't know what to say.
"Um... I... Him... I... We're... It's not... We're just friends," Shilpa fumbled.
Riddhima grinned. "But you want more."
"It's never going to happen," Shilpa answered. She didn't know why, but she felt comfortable sharing this with Riddhima.
She still couldn't believe it. Riddhima had apologized. She'd said she wanted to try. It was all Shilpa had dreamed off for 8 years and now it was finally happening! It still felt like a dream though.
And, after what had happened in the morning, Shilpa had lost any hopes of Riddhima accepting her. Riddhima's words had hurt Shilpa deeply. She couldn't believe that Riddhima could be so callous and venomous, but she had been. But, now, here she was, just a few hours later, talking to Riddhima, bonding with her. And it really did feel like a dream.
She knew that this conversation didn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things, because who knows what would happen afterwards. The chances of Riddhima, or any of the Guptas, accepting her were really slim. But, she would be content with what she got. Even if it was being labelled an acquaintance.
"Why won't it happen?" Riddhima asked.
Shilpa sighed. "Karan... He doesn't believe in love or romantic relationships. Marriage, kids, family. He doesn't want anything of that sort. And, I can understand where he's coming from. He hasn't had the best childhood and his mother suffered a lot because of his father. So, he is totally against all these kind of things. I don't blame him."
"But..." Riddhima tried to say something, but came up empty.
"I'm not sure I even want something to happen," Shilpa continued.
"What? Why? Don't you love him?" Riddhima asked.
"I do, Shilpa admitted. "But, Karan is a workaholic. And, work takes him all around the world. Ghar pe toh woh mahine mein 10 din rehta hoga. He's always so busy with work and clients and meetings. I've already lived that life with my parents. You know, they were rarely ever home. They missed plays and musicals, PTA meetings. Everything. I knew they loved me. My nanny would record my performances for them to see and they'd always watch and praise me. For the few days they were home, I was the centre of attention. But, none of that reduced the pain of being away from them. I wanted them to be there for it all and not watch it through a lens. I hated it. Absolutely loathed growing up the way I did. Ab, I can't go through that again. And, I can't ask Karan to give it up for me. So, where does that leave us?"
Riddhima didn't know what to say, so she just pulled Shilpa into a hug.
"It'll be okay, Shilpa. Don't worry," she murmured in Shilpa's ear, trying to give her strength. Shilpa smiled and hugged Riddhima tightly.
"Thank you," Shilpa replied. "Meri love life chodiye. Apni baare mein batao. Are you and Sid happy?" Shilpa asked.
Riddhima's smile vanished when she heard that. She didn't want to lie to Shilpa, they were only just beginning their relationship, but she couldn't tell Shilpa the truth either, because she couldn't be sure that Shilpa would understand her motivations behind it and tell Armaan everything.
Riddhima knew, deep down, that hiding the truth from Armaan, and in turn everybody else, was not the right thing to do and she also acknowledged the fact that if she told Armaan, there was a chance that they might get back together. But, that was all it was. A chance. One she couldn't take. Not now. Armaan was happy in his new life. Telling him would change everything in his carefully crafted world and she couldn't do that to him. Not again.
But, what if it didn't change anything for him? A small part of Riddhima wondered. She didn't even want to give that any thought, because the only reason that this news wouldn't affect Armaan would be if he was so removed from her and their past and he was past caring about her. And, if that was the case, there would be no way that Armaan would be interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with her. And, that she wouldn't be able to handle. She herself had rejected Armaan and his affections many times before, but the thought of Armaan rejecting her was something she couldn't stomach.
Yes, Riddhima was aware of what a huge hypocrite and coward she was, but there was nothing she could do about it. She couldn't risk telling Armaan everything and ask for a chance for him to say no because he had moved on and wasn't interested in Riddhima that way. The notion was unfathomable, and yet, Riddhima could paint a clear picture of what would happen should this conversation transpire between the two of them. She would break. And nothing would ever be able to put her back together.
Armaan was the one love of her life, her only love. And, he would be, till the day she died. But, her actions in the past, coupled with Armaan's own stubbornness had torn it all apart and there was no way to mend it back. Not just yet, at least.
Armaan had only just agreed to be her friend. They'd had a huge argument this morning and things had settled only a few minutes ago. What if, she told him and he took his friendship away too? That wouldn't do. She just couldn't let that happen.
And, if she had to lie to the world to keep her friendship with Armaan, she would do it happily, because nothing mattered more than having Armaan in her life, in whichever capacity possible.
"Hello! What are you thinking? Remembering hubby dearest or what?" Shilpa joked, brining Riddhima out of her reverie.
Riddhima looked at her, confused. "What?" She asked Shilpa.
"I was just asking about you and Sid," Shilpa told Riddhima. "But, I don't think I should worry about anything. The way you got so lost in thought at just the mention of his name tells me everything is good between you two." Shilpa couldn't resist teasing Riddhima.
"Ye... Yeah," Riddhima replied. "We're good."
And, they were. They were absolutely great friends. So, she wasn't technically lying to Shilpa, only misleading her and letting her draw her own conclusions. So, it wasn't an outright lie. She could live with that.
"Good," Shilpa answered. "I'm glad."
Riddhima smiled at the genuine happiness in Shilpa's tone.
"Shilpa? Can I ask you something? About your dad?" Riddhima asked.
Shilpa nodded mutely.
"Armaan... He said... Um... He said that you're not on good terms with your father. Uh, why?" She asked.
Shilpa looked at her confounded. Wasn't it obvious why?
"I mean... So what if he abandoned me. And my mom. He was still your father. And... We... We hadn't met. You didn't even know me. So, why?" Riddhima clarified after looking at the expression on Shilpa's face.
Shilpa smiled without humour. "It's not... It's not that easy to explain," she admitted. "It was a lot of things, really. Disbelief coupled with contempt isn't really a good thing.
You know, when he first told me? I couldn't even believe it. There he was, getting operated on, because of his heart attack, and here I was, sitting outside the OT, and the only thing on my mind wasn't the fact that he could die, it was that I had a sibling somewhere, who was in God knows what condition, because my father chose to abandon them.
It's not something easy to deal with, you know? I agree, he wasn't the best father. He was absent for most of my life. He's seen my accomplishments through a camera lens. Most of them weren't even a big deal to him. If I participated in a play, or won a race, it didn't really matter. I needed to get good grades, because that was of utmost importance. He never discouraged me, but, well, he never encouraged me to do stuff I liked either.
So, yes, he wasn't that great a father, but he was all I knew. And, I loved him, as much as I was capable of.
Then, mom passed away when I was 19. She'd been a chain smoker, and well, coupled with her lifestyle, it wasn't a good combination. After crossing 40, she started keeping ill all the time and then one day, she went to sleep but never woke up. Of my mom and dad, I'd always been closer to mom, so, of course, her death hit me hard. But, dad? He seemed to be the least bothered. The day after we cremated mom, he went back to work and started living as if his wife hadn't just died. Nothing changed for him, except, maybe a body to keep his bed warm. And, I suspect that he started seeing other women a couple months after mom's death anyway. So, for him, nothing changed.
And, I hated that. I mean, people mourn for the loss of their pets longer than he did for mom. Since then, our relationship hadn't been the best. I resented him for forgetting mom so quickly. But, he was my dad. And he was the only family I had. Without him, I'd be all alone, so I just became complacent about everything related to him and just carried on.
Then, he had that heart attack. And I found out about you. Woh, kehte haina, pairon tale zameen khisakna? I actually, for real, experienced that feeling when he told me. But, at that exact moment, there wasn't much I could do, because he'd just had a heart attack and I needed to be there for him.
I didn't mention it again for sometime and then he was discharged and he didn't say anything either. But, after about a month, I asked him about it again. I told him that I wanted to find you, to get to know you, in any capacity possible. And he just laughed at me. He outright laughed. After that, he said let bygones be bygones. Those were his actual words. Like it didn't matter that he'd left behind a fiance and an unborn child. He didn't even regret it. He told me that it was a part of life and he did what he had to, and he was sure that your mother would do what she needed to do, what she thought was best for her. He told me that whatever happened with you or your mom didn't concern him any longer because he had left you behind. And he didn't care about it either. The only thing he regretted was telling me, because now, I knew what he'd done.
And, in that moment, all I could think of was, what if it had been me? What if it had been me instead of you in your mother's womb. He'd just have forgotten about me too. He'd have moved on with his life like it didn't matter. Like I was nothing. How could... How could I live with him after that?
But, I tried. I swear I did. He wasn't a good father, but I was a good daughter. And, it was my responsibility to be there for him, so I was. But, I couldn't help my resentment. I tried so hard to control it, to not let him know the turmoil inside me, that he not find out how much I was struggling since I found out that my father didn't mind abandoning his own child if he felt like it. But, I couldn't. I couldn't hide it. And, that was causing a lot of friction between the two of us. The doctor had advised that he should he kept away from stress because his body was still recouping from everything that happened.
So, I decided that maybe keeping some distance would help. That's why I left him. I hired an on call doctor who would be available anytime he needed one, and a nurse to look after him. The house help was already there to look after his daily needs. So, I knew he would be taken care of in my absence.
And, once I left that house, the first thing I decided I wanted to do was find you. So, I came to India. Lived in Panchgani, looked for you. When I found you, I came to Mumbai and joined Sanjeevani. But, in all this, I never forgot about him. I checked in with the doctor and the nurse everyday. I would even speak to dad at least once a week. It was going as good as it could.
And then, I got a call from the doctor that his health was deteriorating rapidly. Dad had been asking me to come back home a lot in those last few weeks I was in Mumbai. So, after I found out he wasn't keeping well, I quit and flew back to Florida.
But, even in all these years, all that happened in the span of those two years still haunts me. And I haven't been able to forgive him for it. Still, knowing he doesn't have anybody else, I look after him. We live separately, but my apartment is just a 5 minute walk from his house. I go see him as often as my schedule allows. I go to all his doctor's appointments whenever he's sick. I make it a point to look after anything he might need.
But, I can't do more than this. Not now. Maybe someday I'll be able to forget it all, maybe someday, the thought that he could have easily abandoned me too won't haunt me. And then, I'll be able to make the amends he so desperately wants. But not now," Shilpa said.
Riddhima looked at Shilpa amazed. Knowing all this, getting this insight into Shilpa's life, it changed a lot of things for Riddhima.
Shilpa herself had been through so much. Absentee parents, an unconcerned father, a mother who left her too quickly. No one should have that. At least Riddhima knew that all her parents loved her - her dad, her Smriti Mom and her Padma Mom. All three of them had always loved Riddhima with everything they had.
But, apparently Karthik Malhotra was incapable of being a father. Not just to Riddhima, but to anybody.
"Wow... I just... I don't know what to say," Riddhima admitted.
Shilpa shrugged. "You don't have to say anything, Dr. Riddhima. It's been a long day, and you've found out a lot of stuff you were unaware of. It'll take some time before you can make sense of that."
"I guess you're right," Riddhima agreed. "But, I just want to say that what happened at breakfast shouldn't have happened. I was out of line. I shouldn't have said that to you."
Shilpa gave Riddhima a small smile. "No, please. Don't apologize. I totally understand where you're coming from. If I would've been in your place, I probably would have said things far worse than what you said. It wasn't your fault."
Riddhima grinned. "It was really nice talking to you, Shilpa. I can't make any promises, but maybe we could... I don't know... Talk again? I would really like to know you a little better."
Shilpa nodded. "I'd love that."
And, in that moment, nothing else mattered, because, they were all moving forward, no matter how small the steps.
xxx
So, the Shilpa - Ridz convo! I know it didn't have much of Armaan, but ab kya karein? These chapters are also important. I hope that Shilpa's reasons for leaving her father made sense and you don't think too badly of her. :)
Now, the next chapter I'm planning is some Padma - Armaan interaction. Riddhima won't be in it and the one after that will be Riddhima - Padma & maybe Riddhima - Nikki. I've decided that these two are really important conversations so they won't go in outtakes. But, uske aage, any Shilpa/Karan and Shilpa/Armaan, maybe even AR convos can be a part of outtakes. Good? Please lemme know!
Ab next update will the weekend after the next. Next weekend I'm gonna update ILYLTF. :)
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