ShiVika SS~ The Sultry Seductress (Ch 6 - Page 10 - Updt) 23.06.2017 - Page 3

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Aafrah-SA thumbnail
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Posted: 8 years ago
#21

3. The Depth of Guilt

I was sitting in my studio and strumming the chords of my guitar, not to the world, but I was trying to convince myself that I was making meaningful music, the next bestseller in the market, but my heart was not in it. This was not the first time I was having a nights stand with a woman, judge me if you want, but I am a Rockstar, who has been single for the greater part of his career until now. I had women who would give it all to me, willingly, fully knowing there was no future with me, and I? I would spend many solitary nights with them, and make love to my content. I respected them - I wouldn't ever think of a different girl when I was with one, I wouldn't ever wreck their bodies, just because I knew they would allow me, I always ensured it was a fulfilling moment for both of us - but random meaningless sex has never found its path into my heart or mind when I made music - my music is the cry of my soul, how did something so powerful hit the inner chamber of my heart, that it muffled the voice of my soul, I wondered. It wasn't my feelings for Anne that caused such havoc in my life, that was a chapter I have shut for good I know. It wasn't that - it was something far more superior than that. It was the knowledge of guilt - the guilt that was consuming me, ever since I returned from Delhi.

Here in Mumbai, I wasn't Anne' Shivay. I was Shivay Singh Oberoi, apart from being the nation's Rockstar. And Shivay was guilty of doing this to his fiance Mallika. I was guilty of making my di's best friend sin. I was ashamed at the idea of having to look at Anika di in the eye - ever again. Would she actually come for the wedding now? Or would she abandon her own sister's wedding? Would my act compel her to snap ties with Priyanka di? A few days lost to an age old infatuation, and here I was, at a loss for life.

I noticed the mug of coffee at the table next to me. It was plain black coffee that Mallika had indulgently asked the butler to leave on the table sometime back - she had come here to try out the Sangeet lehenga di had bought for her - I looked at the coffee. True, it wasn't cinnamon flavoured, because she didn't know how to make it, but it was there, kept for me, lest I wanted it. Mallika herself was like that too, she wasn't ever demanding - she was child-like and accepting - I feel somewhere that she knows that I will honour the wedding but she isn't my soul-mate. But she doesn't whine about it. She accepts it silently and silently stands in the corner of my life, like a silent spectator, waiting, lest I need her sometime.

I was lost in my thoughts when there was a knock on the door, I looked up to see my butler, he was pushing daadi's wheelchair into the studio. I looked at daadi, she looked back enquiringly at me. I realized it was one of those rare days when daadi wanted to confront me about something, her look said it all - I gulped. Maybe my daadi is paralysed now, and what she says with the movable right side of her lips are hardly coherent, but since childhood she had been my guiding light, and till date that stare scares me a bit. Once daadi came right in front of me, I motioned the butler to leave, I would take daadi back to her room, once we were done. I squatted before her, gently holding her knees with both my hands, and looked down. Somehow, the guilt in me was so great that I couldn't look her in the eye.

"What happened daadi, is there something you want to talk about?" I asked still with my head bent. She didn't say anything, she just sighed, which made me finally look up at her. She wasn't looking at me, she was looking at the mug of coffee kept untouched at the table.

"It can wait till you want it, but over time it will go cold and then it will be unnecessarily wasted." she croaked with enormous effort. I followed her gaze to the mug. I was surprised, what was the point of this, it was just a cup of coffee!

I distractedly replied to her, "Yeah daadi, I was about to drink, but you know I don't like this taste nah"

"You will never get to taste cinnamon coffee again son, forget the taste, and accept this with love"

For a moment her conversation seemed to be punned. I felt there was a double meaning - she was the only person who in her silent way had probably guessed what my true feeling for Mallika was, and maybe it was her subtle way of asking me to accept Mallika, but did she know how close she was with the cinnamon coffee metaphor? I truly would never get to be with Anne again. I sighed and looked at her. My eyes always told her the emotion in my heart - she knew I never wanted to get married, but after her health deteriorated, she wanted to see me settled with someone I can love as much as her and di - but due to her ailment, she never got to select my bride. Di, had taken the responsibility and she had chosen Anne's sister Mallika for me - I had reluctantly accepted.

My choice was clear, I wasn't in love with anybody in particular, and Mallika seemed less complicated, she knew my family well, so there was no question of breaking the ice or sour relations later, she was Anne's sister and telling her a no could dampen our equation with Anne and finally, my alliance would amply satisfy both di and daadi. But in the last two years with Mallika, did I eventually fall in love with her? My answer was no. I learnt to understand and appreciate her child-like ways, her easygoing nature, her chirpy disposition - she was pleasant company. But the thing with her company was, if it was there, it was nice, if it wasn't, I didn't care much, that was the place of Mallika in my life.

***

I was leaving the Oberoi Mansion when I looked up one last time to catch a glimpse of him. I never asked Priyanka di anything about him. One little question from me would make her tease me for hours, and that would leave me embarrassed and him amused. But once I looked up, I saw him come out of the studio, pushing daadi's wheelchair out. I smiled seeing the grand-mother, grand-son duo spending some time together. I know that Shivay loves his daadi - much the way I love ma. But what was in highlight right now was Shivay's love for me. I cannot say that it is very passionate, but it is like a beautiful fragrance in my life, it makes me want to inhale deeply and feel life, it makes me want to smile - but there is the thing with fragrances, even if kept in a close room, it wears off in sometime.

I left the studio for home, I had to go home and call di, she said the other day after my coaxing about bringing Aadi too, that she will let me know is he is coming along finally or not.

***

"You're okay? You seem a bit tired you know?" I asked him hesitantly. Hesitance - that is exactly what our relation has come to after all these years of our marriage. It wasn't this bad at the beginning of our wedding you know, even though ours wasn't a love marriage, even then. Rajveer was my manager at work. We were good as a team, we worked well and had an easy going rapport between us, but I never loved him, and I had no idea that Rajveer did either, unless of course one fine day he asked me to marry him in front of my family, and circumstances led me to say yes. But I wasn't compromising, I was happy to have accepted his proposal back then. But some ghosts of the past strike back always and with passing of time, each time they haunt us, they come back stronger.

" No, I am fine. Just tired. You enjoy yourself, we will talk later" he responded over the phone.

"Rajveer you're, well..you're coming right? Sangeet is day after, Shivay will be very dejected if you don't" I whispered shakily. I wanted to say, I would be upset too, but I was afraid that it wouldn't make much of a difference to him any longer. I sighed. He was quiet for a bit, then he spoke, "Priyanka I am coming. But maybe not by Sangeet. Mehendi is on Monday right? I will reach by Sunday. Anyway, I got to go. Goodnight" and before I could respond, the line got disconnected.

I disconnected the call and shuddered on my bed. Even the smallest of conversations with Rajveer nowadays weighs me down so much that I feel exhausted. Every time we talk, I feel the distance between us, the unspoken words, the silence, gnawing at my existence. But I was helpless. There was nothing I could do to ease his pain, his craving, and his desire - for a child. We have tried every medication possible, but nothing seemed to work. Fate seemed determined to not let me mother his child - over the years we gave up, and both sank deep into the dark corners of each other's life. I know Rajveer would never leave me, but he wouldn't live with me either. A long sigh escaped me, taking with it, a silent drop of tear.

***

I just came back to my room after dinner. Today everybody for some reason looked very forlorn. Daadi was lost in her reverie, which evidently dealt with my life, bade papa was unusually quiet and silently had his dinner, he didn't even complain when the butler came to him with his usual truckload of medication, it seemed like he was in sync with the gloom in the atmosphere. And di, she was still as stone, I debated whether to ask her about Jiju, but I refrained. I guess they had some kind of a fight, I just hoped it was light, because di wasn't her usual self today. I tried to make the mood light by cracking a joke on my impending wedding, bade papa laughed and daadi smiled, but di hardly listened. I was just out of my changing room, preparing to call it a night, when my phone rang, I looked at the caller ID, it was my impending wife smiling back at me.

"Shivayii" she screamed jovially on the phone so loudly that I had to hold the phone a few inches away from my ear to save my drums.

"You seem very happy!" I replied amused.

"Yes Yes Yes!!! Your strongest competitor is coming to town! Tomorrow night!!" she replied chirpily. I laughed.

"Any chances of a cancelled wedding? Tell me now, I can still get back my money after paying the cancellation charges you know" I joked. Mallika just laughed.

"You're too much Shivay! Yes there would have been a high chance of a wedding cancellation, only if he was a little older!" she replied. The reference to a wedlock impossibility due to age differences irked me. I knew Malli had no idea of my state but it agitated me.

"Malli you're not making sense, let me hit the bed. I have important recordings tomorrow - the very last ones before the wedding!" I was about to hang up when she spoke again,

"Oye Rockstar! Hold on to your horses! Not so fast!! And if I am not mistaken, I smell burn here! Jealous huh?" she asked silkily. I sighed, I was anything but jealous, in fact I was too indifferent to care.

"Offo don't give me the silent treatment, I called to say Aadi is coming!! Di confirmed! I called her today, and jiju had requested his school for the leave, and luckily they did allow him! So my long lost boy friend is returning!! Yeyy" she piped happily.

I stumbled on flat land. So she was coming after all. I had to give it to her mettle, this was also why I was attracted to her - inspite of all that we shared, inspite of having to face me, inspite of having to see me marry her younger sister, inspite of the guilt of cheating on her sister with her fiance, inspite of betraying her best friends trust, she was coming - that was Anika - a war horse.

"Err Shivay!! Remember Aadi? My sister Anika di, her son?" she asked quizzically.

"Of course. I er..am just surprised, thought Anne---ka di was coming alone" I replied, refraining myself just in time from calling her Anne. Then I asked her, "Isnt Daksh bhaiya coming?"

"He..er..cant. He is busy. Acha Shivay I am getting a call, talk to you later! love you byee" she squealed and disconnected in a flash. I exhaled, finally. And slumped onto the bed. Suddenly with the information passed on to me by Malli minutes back, my heart started thumping loudly and treacherously fast. What was happening? Hadn't I completely shut the book on Anika? Hadn't I closed the pages while leaving Delhi? Wasn't I even guilty of indulging myself with her in the first place? It was just random sex Shivay, you've come out of it, I told myself. She has come out of it! That's why she is coming, I told myself. But did that help one bit in reducing my excited heartbeats? Not in the least!

I got up from the bed and drank a glass of water, to help calm my senses; it worked to a subtle extent, not fully. I sat there remembering her chocolate brown doe eyes, her fragile body, her soft voice, her passionate touch and most importantly her caring nature, I was drowning in oblivion, I was in a daze, but suddenly my cell phone vibrated bringing me back to the present. it was text message from Mallika.

[I love you Shivay. Goodnight!]

I stared at the text and tears of guilt came running down my eyes. Since when did I become so vulnerable? Something as silly as an emotional text could make me cry?

How did I end up opening these fragile chambers of my heart? Why was I hurt? Did Mallika have this power over me? I knew the answer - she didn't, so did the mere news that Anika would be near, open me up so bad? I shuddered in acknowledgement at the hold that woman had over me. It angered me. She had it since childhood, she still does, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I remembered her looking at her mansion and telling me that was stability and she wouldn't ever want to lose it for me - not that I wanted her to either, but that dejection stung. It didn't sting then, it was stinging now, a day before my Sangeet and her arrival.

I sat up in conviction. "No" I said out aloud. I was falling weak, I couldn't fall weak. My weakness at this juncture could ruin everything. It could ruin Anne' family, break her relation with her mother and sister, take her away from Aadi and lose her age-old best friend Priyanka di. She would be left with nothing if I fell weak now. And I? I would lose all too, my di and my daadi - I didn't have too many people to lose anyway. No, I told myself firmly. Tomorrow will be a fresh new start, I will get over this impatience, this longing, this excitement - I will do justice to Mallika and my relation. What happened in Delhi will not have any significance what so ever in my life, I decided. I was ready to face Anika di and her son Aadi now.

farinaks thumbnail
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Posted: 8 years ago
#22
Yipee I'm the frst one to rply
It is intriguing nd interesting... Different frm othr stories though I don't like dark stories bt I love ur writing style nd wait fr ur update
Update soon
1070625 thumbnail
Posted: 8 years ago
#23
res
_________
Unres
Awesome update.
Though I don't prefer dark stories more but this is really interesting and intriguing..
Waiting for next chapter..
Edited by water9786 - 8 years ago
AparnaChinnu thumbnail
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Posted: 8 years ago
#24
awesome Loved it
it's totally tangled...
shivaay has feelings for Annika and she is married and had a son...but they had a physical relationship between them..now he is marrying her sister...and still he is not over his feelings for Annika and still he is craving for her... Annika is coming for the wedding and somewhere i am sure the feeling he is trying to surpass will come out some how and it will end up in more tangled situation
arohiarsh16 thumbnail
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Posted: 8 years ago
#25
It's awesome...amazing part...
Is Shivaay really ready to face Anika...? after all that things happened between them... really want to know...
this story is getting more interesting day by day...
waiting for next update...continue soon...
preity_d thumbnail
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Posted: 8 years ago
#26
Can't wait for the next update !~! Eagerly looking for Anika's entry again in Shivay's life ❤️ ... It's so complicated ❤️ Plz update soon ! When r u updating next?
Vetac thumbnail
Posted: 8 years ago
#27
Love your update, totally different concept . Superb ,do continue soon
Narcissist_pri thumbnail
Explorer Thumbnail
Posted: 8 years ago
#28

Amazing story Aafrah

I started reading it today and completed in one go

I loved the portrayal of leads and their inner turmoil

Can't wait for next update

Pixiepixel11 thumbnail
Posted: 8 years ago
#29
wow, indeed an interesting concept.
Mature and to the depth.
Just read all the three chapters in one go.
And just can' wait to read what is ahead of us...
continue soon.

1012277 thumbnail
Posted: 8 years ago
#30
Oh. MY. GOD. AAFRAH.
This is so good. This is so different and so well written.
Please update soon. I'm waiting. 😳😃

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