While there are many blogs dedicated to the plight of Indian women stuck in the hell of an arranged marriage, few cases exist in which a man goes through this. Hence I was shocked when I came to know of this horrible thing that happened to my very good friend. It was so terrible what he endured that I feel compelled to share his story with everyone.
He is a young Indian man who married a typical Indo American girl with hopes of a happy married life but instead experienced a nightmarish life in a foreign land.
It started out pleasantly enough. He was an upbeat, happy go lucky 26 year old residing in Gujarat. (Let's call him Vivek.) He had been meeting girls via an arranged marriage setup but hadn't finalized a match. She was an Indian girl raised for the better part of her life in USA. Their mothers were friends back in college, however Vivek had trepidations about marrying someone who was well settled in a different country altogether and he expressed his concerns to her. "I won't have a job when I land in the USA...I won't have a car...I'll try my best to give you a perfect life but I will need some time to adapt to a different culture...Doesn't that worry you?" he asked her. She assured him that it didn't matter to her. She wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. Their marriage preparations began in earnest. While things were good on the surface, certain incidents raised red flags in Vivek's mind but he pushed past his doubts. For example, even though Vivek had met with an accident and fractured his hand, she threw a tantrum about not getting a birthday gift. (Vivek had already explained to her in advance that he didn't have an international credit card at the time). He was verbally berated on the phone by her uncle and Vivek, keen to make things right with his fianc made arrangements to have a diamond pendant sent to her. (This involved him borrowing money from a friend in America and asking his parents to do a wire transfer, all this while he was still undergoing physiotherapy treatment for his broken hand). Incidents like this added up. She had flown to India for her wedding shopping and Vivek was so excited to take her to different shops, he didn't even question how much she wanted to spend, Vivek just wanted to see her happy. However, in the store, she made a point to ask her cousin how she looked in so and so dress but didn't ask for Vivek's opinion even though he was standing mere inches from her. Vivek took her out to buy jewelry and she and her mother picked out the most expensive pieces only as if they were interested in the monetary value alone, leading to embarrassing Vivek in front of his friend.
However, the biggest shock of his life came on the day they legally wed. After completing the religious ceremony, Vivek and her went to get a legal marriage certificate. It was here when he happened to notice her birth certificate. She had told him that she was of his age i.e 26. However, glancing at her birth certificate he realized she was 30! Vivek looked at his new bride aghast. She brushed off his shock airily. "It's just something we had to do for immigration purposes," she lied. It wasn't the age difference that bothered Vivek, it was the fact that someone he was going to spend the rest of his life with had deceived him about such a basic fundamental thing. But Vivek's hands were tied. Determined to honor his marriage vows, Vivek didn't even fight with her about this issue and let it go. He thought that maybe once he moves to America and they start living together, things will improve. However, little did Vivek know that waiting for him in Chicago was someone who would ruin his life - his wife's brother-in-law.
A month after their nuptials, Vivek landed in USA, but not before having several more fights with his wife over the phone about him not coming soon enough, caring too much about his pet dog etc. Unfortunately, Vivek was the last in queue for immigration and couldn't come out of the airport till several hours. "Can I just call my wife and let her know I'll be out soon?" he asked the officer finally, but the look on the officer's face made it clear that would not be possible. Vivek came out into the boarding area, exhausted but ready to take his waiting wife into his arms, however she immediately saw him and snapped. "What took you so long?" Her sullen look at that moment would come to represent their marriage in a nutshell. Vivek anxious to make her happy despite his circumstances and she, always disappointed and upset.
In the following months, instead of exploring a new city with his newly wedded wife, Vivek found himself essentially trapped in a house with his wife, his wife's sister and his wife's brother-in-law. What made things worse was that day by day his self esteem was annihilated by a stream of criticisms. "You're not American enough," his wife would remark. Vivek had to feign interest in basketball just to please his wife's brother-in-law. "Why do you go to the park and talk to those retired people instead of sitting with us"... "Why aren't you getting a job soon enough?" she'd nag him. "You don't have enough money." "Why do you wear long sleeved t-shirts." Several times, Vivek found himself shivering in the biting Chicago cold, because his wife's brother-in-law would decide when he needed to wear a hoodie. Vivek was legally allowed to take any job possible and tired of sitting at home all day, he was eager to find some means of unemployment, even if it wasn't related to his field of study. But his wife's brother-in-law didn't agree and made it clear that he wasn't going to leave the house until he had a proper job.
In the meantime, Vivek slowly realized that the relationship between Vivek's wife and her brother-in-law wasn't entirely normal. His wife had been living with her sister and her brother-in-law prior to marriage and her brother-in-law or Jiju as he is referred to in Indian vernacular, was completely obsessed with Vivek's wife. For example, Vivek had made elaborate plans for his wife's birthday. He had even made reservations in one of the top tier restaurants of Chicago. One afternoon, his wife's Jiju came into his bedroom and when he found out about Vivek's plans, he demanded Vivek to show him the confirmation message from the restaurant as if Vivek wasn't even capable of a simple task like reserving a table. Then when they actually went for dinner, Vivek instead of spending quality time with his newly wedded wife, found himself disturbed by an incessant stream of messages from his wife's Jiju. What are you guys doing? Is she enjoying it? The pasta is really good here. Make sure you order the small donuts for dessert, she really likes those. Vivek wondered, who was the husband here? He or his wife's Jiju?
What was more disturbing was, that instead of resenting her Jiju's interference in her married life, Vivek's wife seemed to actually enjoy the attention from her Jijaji. She consulted her Jiju on the smallest of decisions. When the whole family would go out for a dinner somewhere, she would sit next to her Jiju while Vivek sat across from them. Fluttering her eyelashes like Lolita, she would look at her Jiju and say, "Jiju what do you think is good here?" When she would finally remember that her husband is also present, she would ask Vivek what he would like to order. But again, she would turn to her Jiju and confirm whether Vivek was ordering the right thing!
Often times, Vivek would see her going to her Jiju's bathroom. He asked her what's wrong with taking a shower in their bathroom. Perhaps sensing Vivek's discomfort, she explained, "Jiju's bathroom has a much bigger bathtub that's why." However, Vivek could see her cheeks blushing. All this did not sit well with Vivek and he felt very uncomfortable.
He was even lectured on physical intimacy by his wife's Jijaji. Vivek listened with pure disgust as his wife's brother-in-law once asked him, "How often do you sleep with her?" Vivek couldn't believe his ears. His stomach recoiled in disgust. Was there a line this man wouldn't cross? Oblivious, his wife's Jiju continued, "Make sure you are doing it frequently. I hope you are keeping her satisfied." Vivek wanted to vomit. He really started to have doubts as per what was going on between his wife and her Jijaji.
There is a saying in Hindi, "Saali hoti hain aadhi gharwaali". But in this case, it appeared that for Vivek's wife's brother-in-law, she was as good as his wife only.
Moreover, every night before going to bed, Vivek's wife would spend time talking to her sister and her brother in-law in Vivek's absence. Such chats were almost often followed by her barging into their bedroom and having a fight with Vivek, over things like he wasn't taking her out often enough, not being loving enough and so on. Vivek was getting tired of the constant interference of her family's side in his married life and being alone without a car, a job, friends in a new country made everything worse.
One afternoon, they all ganged up on him. Vivek stood by the foot of the bed, his hands folded, while his wife's brother-in-law proceeded to tell him that he was like a beggar, coming to USA without enough dollars. Vivek's wife's sister chimed in, "He doesn't know how to treat his wife, doesn't get enough gifts for her.." Even his wife's brother-in-law's mother who happened to be visiting joined in the insults. "He should have come with at least 20,000 dollars in hand." "Don't you have a family home in India? Why don't you sell that?" Vivek looked up, unable to believe that he was being asked to sell his parent's house where he had spent his childhood. He glanced at his wife, looking for some kind of comfort or hoping to exchange a reassuring look with her, but she stared resolutely ahead. Things escalated and, Vivek was literally kicked to the curb by his wife's brother in law. With nothing but a phone in his hand, Vivek rested his head on the door and texted his wife. "Please..open the door. Please..." The cold wind whipped in his face and standing there alone, begging his wife to let him in, Vivek had never felt worse in his life.
Finally a respite came in the form of an offer from a job in a different state. "We're going to Texas!" he announced happily to his wife, who unsurprisingly was most upset about being away from her brother-in-law. But Vivek knew that all they needed to fix their marriage was time together. He knew that he would make her so happy and without the constant negativity from her family, she would finally be able to see in him the man she loved enough to marry. Little did Vivek know however, that while they would physically leave Chicago, she would never really mentally leave her family and her brother-in-law's obsession would only get worse with distance.
The next few months in Houston were a blur, a period Vivek could summarize as "Time to blow away every penny earned to keep his Indo American wife happy." Within days of moving in, they had all the furniture they would ever need and even a big screen TV. All of this, including even a vacuum cleaner, was not bought without the approval of her brother-in-law. Vivek felt like he was an outsider, merely carrying out the decisions of his wife's brother-in-law. Meanwhile, things with his wife were not improving. There was a day when he rushed home from work in the middle of the day, because his wife after a heated argument threatened him with suicide.
He would burn through his salary almost as soon as it arrived because his wife insisted on eating out everyday. If Vivek and his wife had an argument about sometimes eating at home, he would get a call from his wife's sister. "You are newly weds. Surely you can't expect her to eat at home." If Vivek would talk about curbing expenditures, he would get a call from his wife's brother-in-law, "Boss," he'd say, employing a common Bombay slang, "You can't even spend money on your wife. She is used to a certain lifestyle."
Meanwhile, despite having a job, his finances were in dire straits. Vivek wouldn't even mind not having enough savings if it made his wife happy, but he found that no matter how much efforts he put in, he was never good enough. His parents who had thus far been mute spectators to everything, saw how their son had lost weight, his gaunt features broke their heart. They decided it was enough and told Vivek that they were coming to live with them.
Vivek's wife's brother-in-law lost it. He accused Vivek of pre-planning everything. According to him, it was Vivek's plan all along to bring his parents to stay with him. "Send me their itinerary now," he ordered Vivek, wanting to confirm when and how their tickets were booked. Vivek's wife too made her displeasure apparent. "How is it my home when your parents stay here?" Vivek couldn't believe it, after everything he had put up with from her side of the family for her sake, she couldn't even treat his family with a basic modicum of respect.
Vivek's parents arrived in the hopes of sorting out all issues, and being a helping hand, but things got worse. His wife resented their very presence. Meanwhile, Vivek was getting tired of being told, he wasn't loving enough, earning enough, American enough. Their fights escalated, and at one point, Vivek's wife's brother-in-law even made deathly threats to him.
Finally, one afternoon while Vivek was at work, his wife decided to leave the house. She took every single thing Vivek owned, especially calling movers to get the bed, couch, fan etc. She didn't even spare the charger that he used to use for his hair trimmer. Vivek returned to an empty apartment minus his wife, and when the shock subsided, Vivek slumped on the floor, feeling sadness but mostly relief. It was over. It finally sunk in.
Later on though, it turned out, that his wife wanted to reconcile, but this time it was Vivek, who had had enough. He did not want everything in his life dictated by another man. He still loved his wife very much, but he also knew with certainty, that he would never be a priority for her and she was too ignorant to see how her family was manipulating her and ruining her marriage.
After a period of separation, when she understood that Vivek was no longer going to be their puppet, she filed for divorce and even after taking everything Vivek ever had, she filed for temporary spousal support.
Their case is currently in process. This is a cautionary tale and a testament to how family interference and control can ruin someone's life. Vivek had heard a lot about the great American dream but he got to experience a nightmare. It became clear to him that the only reason he wife sponsored him and uprooted his life to bring him to the United States was so that she can extract money out of him. That was the only thing she was ever interested in. Money. Control. And more Money.
Cricket
Debate Mansion
Bigg Boss 19
Iss Pyaar Ko Kya Naam Doon
