Ankita, this one's for you... I hope you like it...
Tum bin kya hai jeena...
Kya hai jeena...
Tum bin kya hai jeena...
"Do you know how it feels?" Dev was sitting on the floor, flooded with tears... He had poured his pain out, and it certainly wasn't easy... Sonakshi understood this...
But this isn't true either that she didn't know how it feels... If she couldn't feel his pain, who else would? She may have missed knowing some of his pains, but she certainly knew many of them... Only that they were never addressed...
"Dev, I know how it feels..." Sonakshi put a hand on his arm... A tear escaped her eye seeing him looking at her with swimming eyes... What were his eyes searching? The similar kind of pain he felt? Or the different pain he wasn't aware of?
Tum bin jeeya jaaye kaise,
Kaise jeeya jaaye tum bin...
Sadiyon se lambi hain raatein,
Sadiyon se lambe hue din...
Aa jaao laut kar tum,
Ye dil keh raha hai...
"Dev, I know how it feels... I know most of the time, how you must be feeling. I know, I should have been a better wife to you to address your pains, and I am sorry for it... But, there are things I went through, and I know how it feels... It feels terrible and sad... I know how you must be feeling right now, and I will not try and demean your pain, trying to show if mine is bigger... But I think it should be right to address both our pains since the wounds are open..." she spoke sincerely.
He turned and sat facing her, trying to listen to what she will say... Just like he should have done it like a good husband back then, he would do it now also, even when they are each other's exes. Though he tried wiping his tears with the sleeve of his jacket, yet his eyes were moist... He knew it is of no use trying to wipe the tears, he was sure when his own pain made him cry so much, her pains are anyway unbearable to him. He let his eyes have their own liberty.
"I will start from the starting..." Sonakshi told. "Dev, my life has been very boring, I have been an academic kid, and always tried to remain a good child before my parents, since Dada has always been a free-spirited person... The onus of expectations naturally came to me, and I accepted it whole heartedly, though somewhere down my heart, I fantasized the fairytale love stories that Dadi would read to me every night when I slept as a small kid... Not that I wanted someone to come and rescue me, but more like being my support, that never fails" Sonakshi spoke out of her faraway look...
Dev gulped down the lump in his throat... He had listened to this fairytale kind of love story so many times, and he knew where things were going... She wanted her strong prince charming, and he was anything but that prince charming for her... He knew very well... "I am sorry Sonakshi, I wasn't that prince charming for you..." He apologized earnestly.
"Who told you that you weren't my prince charming...? You gave me the best fairytale love story that I could ask for... You were that prince who sat on the middle of the road on a day of strike, holding me in your arms, trying to stop my bleeding until the doctors took over... You were that friendly prince who would approach me whenever I was in a state of confusion... You were that intense lover who could not wait for the rise of the sun to confess his feelings, but to drive away straight at 2 am to let me know that there's a man who loves this boring girl like his woman, and he can do anything to keep me happy... You are that fussing husband who would carry me in his arms in front of the entire family and neighbours on the Diwali night, leaving everything aside because I got my feet burned... You are that fulfilling companion to sit by my side, feeding me my breakfast because that is what I wanted as a part of my fairytale love story... You are that passionate partner who could drive me out of my agitation on a chilled winter night in Shimla, where we were ordered to conceive, but he instead made it a crooning love song of a couple who found their solace in each other's arms to make love out of the intend of each other rather than a mission to make a baby... You were my prince charming Dev, and I can never ask anyone else to ever be any better prince charming for me..." Sonakshi comforted...
"Then what went wrong?" he asked dejected.
"We did not do the right, that went wrong Dev..."
"We? Wasn't it just my fault?" he asked trying to make sense to himself.
"How can that be? If it were only your fault and I was right all the way, the relation wouldn't have broken... But it did... Somewhere down the line, I must have done some wrong that broke our relationship... I too was at fault." She confessed.
"And how do you even know that it is so?" he was shaking his head negatively. Some minutes ago, he had been hurling her accusations for hiding their kid, and now he is taking the entire blame of the failed marriage upon himself.
"Dev, if I had been right all the way, I would have been verbal about my feelings all the way- You complain about the same na, that I never told you how I felt hurt, until things were nothing but a huge pile of garbage? Had I told you only earlier, maybe I had a reason to say that I tried explaining you, but you never listened... But that certainly is not the case..." she confessed... Then continued again- "Dev, it was also my fault that I left you when you asked me to... I feel today seeing Soha as a single alone kid, that had I tried it and stay put by your side, things might have been different. Even during our first breakup, I let you alone quick, and I had promised myself post our patch up that I will never leave you ever again, but things got so piled up in me, that I just couldn't think anymore... I needed a break..." and there lies my pain...
"Want to tell me about it?" both never knew when her palm was in his hands, and his thumb was comforting the back of her palm...
Phir shaam-e-tanhayi jaagi,
Phir yaad tum aa rahe ho...
Phir jaan nikalne lagi hai,
Phir mujhko tadpa rahe ho...
Phir mujhko tadpa rahe ho...
Iss dil mein yaadon ke mele hain,
Tum bin, bohot hum akele hain...
Aa jaao laut kar tum,
Ye dil keh raha hai...
"Dev, it has never been easy... Right from the start I knew your mother might not accept me... But you never believed me, and considered my insecurity, when it was she who was insecure..." she told him... She didn't call him an unaware spineless man, who understood just his mother's language... Today was not the day to deliberately hurt one another... "I could have conveniently remained your wife, for the relation you and I made. But I chose her insecurities to be dealt rather than romancing with you at the drop of the hat. I wanted her to believe that despite our marriage, her son would not be literally snatched... But her insecurities never took a back seat..." she told him...
He slightly nodded his head... He knew what she was saying was true, his blind love for his mother was the root cause of everything happened.
"Then one day she suspected my pregnancy, and the entire family was rejoicing... Nipping down my wish to have confirmation test, I began being happy in their happiness... It wasn't just a happiness of carrying a life in me, but even more, the insecurities in her suddenly vanished... The way she was taking care of me that day, I wondered who was my mother? The Bose one or the Dixit one... Dev, I could have put my everything on stake for that acceptance and love from your mother... And I did put everything on stake, including my wish to let the father of my unborn child get to know first..." she told him with a faraway look.
He knew nothing comforting to tell her... Thus, he chose to listen quietly.
"But then, one day, I came across the fact that you were lying all along... I never was pregnant... Again, the stake of your mother's happiness was on my happiness taking a back burner... I had no time to reminisce the pain of losing a baby that I never had, I was worried for maa's reaction... And my worries were so genuine, I knew a few days later, when she came to know..." Sonakshi shuddered...
Dev moved closer to her, comforting enough in her sad times...
"Dev, it is such a shattering moment, that you are worried sick of the fact that you can never be a mother, and the mother of the house just walks out, because I lied... Is that how an elderly does?" she asked confused as well accusing... "The one who should have acted the most maturely turned out to be the most immature person of the house... Going and sitting in a temple in one corner of this huge city. Did she for once think, what I went through?" she asked.
Was his tongue tied, or he didn't want her train of thoughts to take an abrupt halt; in any case, he did not say a word. He let her speak.
"I was never been asked my whole hearted consent to opt for treatment or not... You just came like on a bullet train, almost ordered what my response to be, and you rushed back... Not that I really blame you for already taking my consent as your right, like you knew me in and out, I would never deny for maa's happiness... But you forgot to see those questions in my eyes, my fears if I failed... You saw none..." she wasn't accusing, but she was definitely hurt.
"I am extremely sorry Sonakshi... You were so right, I am a good brother and son, but I was a terrible husband... And I am really sorry for taking you for granted..." his eyes held sincere apologies.
"Then that forced Shimla trip... I was so upset with the entire resort knowing about my medical condition... Your mother was barking orders and you still did nothing... You were trying to please both of us when you knew both our pleasures were poles apart... Yet, you kept going along, not realizing my humiliation at being seen by the eyes like we have come with an absolute intention to make a baby, and then only return... Do you know how embarrassing was it for me?"
He was repeatedly getting very quiet... Either he did not want to disturb, or he felt too ashamed to even try justifying himself... He had nothing to defend himself.
"Forgetting everything we return happily to see both our families fight like cats and dogs... You knew what the truth is, you knew who is right and who is wrong... Yet you never cared to for once tell you maami that she should not be speaking to my father the way she was... If not considering him my father, consider him the father in law of her own son... But no, she kept barking and you were thick skinned to keep on explaining to your mumbling mother your point, which you never could... How Dev? The man I knew had the power to shut the entire mansion with one roar... The person I fell in love with, could snub each and every one with his anger... But how come the entire house was under chaos, and yet you couldn't do anything... And to top it over, the slap... Dev, how could your hands raise on a father figure?"
"Sonakshi I have apologized about it umpteen number of times to you and your father as well... But none of you forgave me..." he wanted to make her believe...
"If, I had mistakenly slapped your mother, would you have understood it the way you are explaining me?" she asked him.
His mouth opened and closed several times, yet he had no answers...
"Do you know how I was to swallow that humiliation my family suffered that day, with you taking absolutely no stand about them and me, despite knowing our innocence... You tell me, how I must not have thought to pay you off...? Dev, we were middle class people back then... We had nothing but our self-respect... We could have sold our last belonging, but we could never let our esteem to be sold out in the market at such cheap rates as your maami though we had." She told him truthfully.
"But Sonakshi, you always knew that I would never take that money ever from you... You were my wife, whatever I had belonged incessantly to you as well... I was so hurt when you had come to return me money, mortgaging your own house... MY WIFE to pay back my money, sold out everything she had... How would I have felt?" he told.
"Don't you think this should have explained your family at the right time? I trusted you with the money matters and let you give loan to Dada... But what was the result?" Sonakshi asked. She continued- "And then came a time, when the man who screamed his lungs out forever that he can never spend a day without me, pronounces me to "GET OUT" of his house... The one who brought me to that house with full respect and honour did take no time to throw me off... I kept asking you repeatedly, and you never cared to again shut your maami off when she was parroting your words..." She told him...
His eyes held extreme sorry that he could never tell her, the words that he had been regretting for the last 7 years, and yet could not correct his life like before... They were those words that were stuck in his throat, he had no strength in him to utter them again...
"And then you threw us out of our own house, and we had nowhere to go, but shift back to the city that held our roots..." she spoke with a retired voice.
Kya kya na socha tha maine,
Kya kya na sapne sajaaye...
Kya kya na chaaha tha dil ne,
Kya kya armaan jagaaye...
Kya kya armaan jagaaye...
Iss dil se toofaan guzarte hain,
Tum bin toh jeete na marte hain...
Aa jaao laut kar tum,
Ye dil keh raha hai...
Tum bin jeeya jaaye kaise,
Kaise jeeya jaaye tum bin,
Sadiyon si lambi raatein,
Sadiyon se lambe hue din...
Aa jaao laut kar tum,
Ye dil keh raha hai...
"For days and weeks at end in Kolkata, I tried getting over the pain without you... The more I thought, the more I missed you... Even after the hate I felt for you for the various things you did that made us end on such bitter notes, I couldn't help cry all day and all night for you... Trying hard to set up my business, I tried diverting my mind... Yet I felt sick remembering you, until one day I got to know that you haven't left me, you left yourself in me... Your tiny little part, that now was growing into a new life inside me... I was pregnant..." she told him... She had her eyes twinkling, yet she had a pained expression...
Dev couldn't help but imagine all that, because he had no reality to connect to his daughter's existence except for the words that the mother of his child shared with him...
"Dev, I couldn't control anymore... I cried even harder... I missed you terribly Dev... What not had we thought about our tiny Sonakshi and Tiny Obhodro... What not had been planned... When I had you, I didn't have our baby... And when I finally had a baby, you were nowhere around... I was sick crying, thinking how you must have felt had you been there with me..."
Dev wanted to imagine how it must have felt had she told him that she was pregnant... Really pregnant... Tears welled up his eyes...
"It was until my next visit to the doctor that I was told that if I don't stop crying, I could lose my baby... And trust me Dev, that was the last thing I wanted to lose related to you... So, from that day on I tried remaining genuinely happy... For the sake of our baby..." she told...
Dev was lost in his own world listening to whatever she said... His eyes washed tears, and he wasn't even aware...
"The next time I cried was when I went for the first ultrasound after the foetus was growing to be detected under the sonogram... I so wished to see that breathtaking happiness on your face seeing the living proof of your love budding inside me... You must have been on the top of the world... I knew every step of the way how you would have felt... And I cried each time in your absence..." Sonakshi told...
He did not know when he had kept his head on her shoulder. He wanted to cry his loss before his companion, and he found it in his soulmate ex-wife, without even a conscious thought.
"Each time baba and dada asked me if I craved for something to eat, I would want you desperately after me, feeding me like the baby girl I was yours, making me feel like the little kid that gets her each desire fulfilled... I didn't even feel like craving when you were not the one who would fulfill my demands... It just didn't feel right to demand my father and brother at midnight for puchkas, when I knew I would have driven you dead had you not fulfilled my wishes since I am carrying your child... But nothing of that sort happened." She told him wistfully.
His tears were silently leaking... Wetting her brocade long kurta... His tears hid amongst the print of the dress...
"Every time maa and dadi kept a hand over my bulging tummy to feel the baby, I missed your tickling touch that could not have resisted by you to see if your little one didn't trouble me much... The paranoid father you would have been, you would have driven me crazy talking all times of the day to your baby, ignoring me royally... And then I would have got angry with you for having lost interest in me, and then you would have made sure to make me believe that nothing is more lovable to you than me... I would cry everytime this happened Dev." Sonakshi had kept her head over his resting head on her shoulder.
His hand was subconsciously on her flat tummy even after delivering a child, trying to feel, how he must have felt the way she described it to be... He was sure it felt incredible...
"Despite my complications, I had a normal delivery. Every time I was moaning in pain during labour, it wasn't just the efforts to expel a restless infact out of my body, but also the absence of those strong hands I wanted to tightly hold on to while the had my hardest contraction... I missed you giving me that support that everything will be alright, though you must have been sick seeing me howling in pain... I missed that awed expression you must have had seeing your daughter screaming her first cry soon after she came out of me... The yearning arms that you must have opened to take her in them, the very first time, after she was handed in a towel, still being a bit dirty in my post-natal blood, awaited to be bathed... I missed you in everything that had the baby growing in me till she was out..." Sonakshi told him...
He wasn't sobbing, but the seamless tears that were flowing were the testimony of how much this man was affected by the absence he felt in the most crucial period of his wife's life, and the start of the life of his only living part outside his body... He missed everything so much, so terribly... His face was hidden on her bosom, he was shaking with the silent cry that nobody heard... He was grieving his absence in his daughter's life that she shared right now...
"But the moment I took her in my arms, I had no more tears... Everyone says that Suhana is my replica... Through and through my baby... BUT, only I know that it isn't true. She took some of my features, but she was just like you... The same light brown eyes, the same fair complexion, and the same Aubhodro attitude... She was a fussy angry kid, when not given proper attention... She would want me everywhere... She was so you... And I took respite in the fact that you have been with me all through these months and still are with me in her form, and nobody could take that away from me..." she had determination on her face...
"I missed having all this Sonakshi..." he told.
"It was in none of our hands Dev." She explained.
"Can this not happen all over again? Can you not give me another chance to live all these Firsts for the first time, in your second time?" he asked hesitantly.
"But there's nothing left between us Dev..." she explained...
"Even after talking all this time, do you think we cannot build it all over again?" he asked.
She nodded this time- "I hope I can give you your fatherhood in the most loveable manner I can, with seeing your first child grow, and the second one come sometime soon..." she told...
"Thank you so much Sonakshi..." he had hugged her tight, like he would keep her like this for eternity...
~~THANKS FOR READING~~
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