Chapter 9
Name to my pain
Manik's pov
I know who patted my shoulder hence I hugged him to get some support, to get some strength, to gulp down the facts infront of me. He was Cabir. I can visualize those facts feeling pity on me that they are far beyond my expectations. Yesterday when I met her parents I was partially sure about this, but I hoped that this time my medical knowledge should betray me. I would be proven wrong about my medical knowledge. I would have happily accepted my failure. But no, my straight A grade in the subjects again proved that my result.
I am still not able to believe she is suffering from BIPOLAR DISORDER.
(Don't panic with the name, I will explain everything but slowly, gradually. At the end of the update you will come to know about it.)
"Manik are you done?" Cabir Sternly stated as I was still crying hugging him. About what?
I looked at him with questioningly as I was not in a state to comprehend what he wants to say.
"Bro you are acting as if she is going to die" He joked so casually and as a reward I gave him a nice blow in the stomach. He knows how important she is to me, yet such a pathetic line! How can he joke about such a thing.
"See manik we both know that this disorder is not some major like cancer that if we don't operate she will die, though not as casual as headache, it is all about how she looks at it, see will be okay with treatment, all we need to do is tell her, make her aware of what actually is she going through, right now she is the one who needs support, she is the one to know that she will be alright, already its too late because as said by her father she has tried to commit suicide two times because of the darkness that she is facing. Bro you need to be with her, I know you are capable of that" Cabir explained. I know she is not that serious, but still how can I not be shaken? The girl I was going to bring in my life is struggling for herself.
"Bro, you need to go for your regular rounds, and meet her at the end" He said. I have to go on my regular rounds to check every patients report. But how will I tell her all this?
"Be strong. All is well" he said and dramatically put his hand on heart like Aamir khan from 3 idiots. I rolled my eyes at his never ending drama.
I prepared myself for the Mission TALK WITH HER.
Nandini's POV
When I recovered consciousness, all I felt was an incredible sense of calmness. There was a dull pain in my jaw and I had a very slight headache. My throat was parched, as if I had not drunk water in a year. But the panic was gone, so was the rage. For a few minutes I could not recall where I was and what had happened to me. I was a little confused. It seemed like a dream. Had I fallen down? What was this strange green colour that I was seeing? Which room in my home had this colour? I could not recall any room having these walls.
Then it began sinking in slowly. I was in hospital. Mental hospital' a voice inside my head reminded me, taunting me and I winced, feeling a deep sense of shame. The ever popular, much adored, outgoing, smart, bright, promising young star of St. Agnes was now a patient in a mental hospital.
"Hello Nandini. I'm Sister Rosaline. How are you feeling? Do you want some water?" asked a nurse.
"Hello Sister. Yes please and sorry about the yelling earlier," I said. I felt genuinely ashamed now at losing control like that and yelling at her. I noticed her now. She seemed to have kind eyes. She was pleasantly plump, must be in her fifties and seemed to be very experienced.
"Oh, that is perfectly okay, child," She said smiling as she handed me a bottle of water. As I drank thirstily, she added "Patients generally respond well to ECT"
That took the wind out of my sails. Not that there was much wind left in the first place, but I wondered if I heard right. ECT? Electroconvulsive therapy? I was dumbfounded. I staggered under the enormity of the realisation of what she had just said. Why in the world? And how is it that nobody had told me about it? Had I been administered Electric shock? Oh God. How in the world could this happen to me?
(ECT is given after injecting anesthesia. So the injection in last update that she got was of anesthesia. Let me explain ECT in simple language just in case any of you don't know. It is the electric shock given to the patient. Mostly you must have seen in movies, doctors try that to bring the patient back to life. Still if you have doubt PM me I will surely explain)
I was silent for the rest of the day.
Dr. Malhotra came on his rounds in the evening. I don't know who he is and I am not in a condition to ponder on it. Right now for me he is just a doctor whom I have to take a class of. Like how, they can give me ECT. I am not mad. More or less I was ashamed to admit him that I am the same nandini he met.
"Hello Nandini," he said, smiling in a cheerful voice. I bet that smile won't remain for long "How are you feeling?"
"Angry and cheated, doctor. Was I given ECT? And why was I not told about it? How come no one mentioned anything?" I replied sullenly.
"Oh," he said, taken aback at my direct response. He looked hurt. I hope he gets to know that I am not mad. I can understand. He took a minute to think. Then he said that he wanted to have a talk with me and asked sister Rosaline, and two more junior doctors accompanying him to go out of the room and give us a few minutes. I noticed that the young doctor who had earlier questioned me and made detailed notes was with the group that went out of the room.
He waited till we were alone in the room. He pulled up the chair, placed it next to my bed and sat down. "Nandini," he began, "You have a severe case of bipolar disorder."
It was the first time in my life I was hearing that term.
"Let me explain how it functions. It comes in cycles. Like this," he said, as he drew a graph on the paper, which was in the writing pad that he was carrying. It looked like a wave which went up and down, much like a physics diagram that plotted some values. "Do you understand?"
"Right now, you are here," he said as he marked a point right at the bottom of the curve. "That is why you have attempted to kill yourself twice."
I was silent.
"It is an illness like any other illness. See, when you have a fracture, you go to an orthopedic, right? And when you have a toothache you go to a Dentist? In the same way, when you have an illness of the mind, you come to us. People have a stigma about it. They do not understand the severity of it. People simply cannot snap out of it, they need to be treated in order to get better," he explained.
I was silent again, but he was looking into my eyes, trying to gauge if what he was saying was registering. He could see that it was beginning to sink in.
"Look, Nandini," he continued "ECT has got some very bad press but it is not at all like that. It is not how they show it in the movies. Please do not be afraid. It can be life saving and can produce dramatic results. Right now Nandini, you are at the rock bottom of the curve. In these circumstances, it is very likely that you will attempt to harm yourself again, unless we administer this. We could have put you on anti depressants but it would have taken three weeks for it to work. I really did not want to risk that. The main thing about ECT is that suicide attempts are rare after administering it. Only thing is that it has to be done twice a week. After a week we will evaluate if further treatment is needed or not."
I did not know what to say. It was the first time in days that somebody was explaining what was happening to me and assuring me that it was okay. It was the first time in days that somebody was talking to me like I mattered. It was the first time that I was being assured that I need not feel guilty for something that was out of my control.
I had agonised over not being able to snap out of it' and blamed myself, telling myself that it was all in my head' and if I wanted I could just change my thoughts and be fine again. I was being told that it was not like that at all and what I was facing now had a name, there were several people in the world much like myself who were being treated for it. It was beyond my control and I was in safe hands and would be taken care of. I feel this is my manik.
The relief I was beginning to feel was like the first drops of rain on a drought filled parched earth that was beginning to crack up with the heat.
"It is going to be hard, Nandini. The feeling of worthlessness and extreme depression coupled with forces that you cannot control and that tell you to kill yourself will recur and come back to you, again and again. They are going to come in waves. You must not give in. You have to co-operate and help us to fight it. We are with you, not against you."
At that point if he had told me that holding a coconut and dancing around on one foot would make me feel better, I would have gladly believed him.
He was offering me the last vestiges of hope and I was clinging to it with the desperation of a drowning person.
"Manik" Suddenly I called him when he was about to leave my room. Till now he was doctor to me but not now. I think he is the same manik that I know.
He turned around all surprised. I can see the glint in his eyes. I think he forgot me. I should cover up the damage. I don't want to miss this chance when he has tried to take me out of this darkness.
"Umm.. can I call you manik?"I tried to cover up.
"No" He said sternly. Fool! Now toh you cant be my manik
"You can call me manik, the same way you called me in childhood" He playfully said and I cursed myself for judging him wrongly. I really feel that I am in safe hands now and would extra taken care of. I noticed he was in deep thoughts.
"Come with me" he spoke after coming from his, whatever land he went and allowed me to walk first as if deeply following the rule LADIES FIRST'. I don't know where he is taking me.
************
Hassh!!! Finally done! I finished 3 cups of tea while writing this.
Okay I know u all will be still confused but next update haina yaar..
Next update full of Manan moments + reveal of manan mystery
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