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The Tere Sheher Times team is proud to announce the launch of their latest feature - The Love Guru feature. We ran a trial of the column and asked the people of Benaras to send in their questions to loveguru@tereshehermeintimes.com regarding love and we are overwhelmed by the response we received. Since the third day of the wedding match being played between the Mathur-Chaubey clan and the Guptas was reserved for light hearted entertainment, we chose this day for the launch of our new column! The best queries and responses are noted below.
From: Angryyounglover@benaras.com
Dear love guru,
I love a girl but I don't think she loves me and I am mad at her for not loving me. I am good looking, young, handsome, smart, intelligent, I have long, thick hair and I know how to fix computers, light bulbs, cook, everything. The weird part is whenever I look at her, I feel like she loves me too. But I am sure she does not love me. And if she does not love me, I will not tell her that I love her either. That would be hurting my self respect, wouldn't it? At least that is what my best friend says. But I love her and I go about breaking into stores in the middle of the night to save her from trouble. But I don't want her to know any of this because.. Actually, I can't even remember why I am not supposed to pin her against a wall and kiss her senseless, or maybe take her to that tabela we were stuck at one night and lay her down on the hay and do some desi tango all night long or sneak into her bedroom in the middle of the night and show her the stars, the moon, the whole freaking galaxy for that matter. But I can't and I don't know what to do. Please help!
Dear Angry Young Lover,
Maybe for starters, you should throw that best friend of yours in a deep well and forget she ever existed. Then I suggest that you do exactly as you suggested yourself, go pin your love against a wall, tell her you love her, then proceed to kiss her. Mind you, please follow the instructions step by step. Missing a step can lead to painful consequences. Once you are done with these two steps and she hasn't slapped you across your face, rest assured she loves you too. Now, you may proceed with the rest of your fantasies in whatever order you wish.
Best of luck,
Love Guru
***
From: desperatelover@hamarebabakidukaan.com
Dearest Love Guru,
I love my Rachitaji so much. I can't stay away from her for a minute. We are getting married in 6 days but I cannot stay away from her for even 6 minutes. I am so lost in my love for her that I am deaf and mute to the way my mother and relatives are insulting her family. I have a porcelain doll at home that I imagine to be Rachitaji and talk to all the time. I cannot wait for Rachitaji to come play with her too. The other day, my baba caught me daydreaming and I was embarrassed as hell. Please tell me how to control my pheelings!
Madly in love
Ramashrey Gupta (Because I have no trouble declaring to the world that I love Rachitaji!)
Dear Mr. Desperate lover Gupta,
I suggest you get rid of the porcelain doll immediately. Grown men playing with dolls is creepy. Please use a picture of Rachitaji to talk to instead. I also suggest that you practice yoga and meditation three times a day to control your pheelings. Whenever you get said pheelings, take a long deep breath and think of your father and his chappal. Release the breath. If that does not work, I think you should move into Ms. Rachitaji's house as well. I have learned from my sources that all your wedding guests have been put up there anyways; one more added to the mix should not be a problem.
Good luck,
Love Guru
********
From: confusedinlove@kasmevaade.com
Dear Love Guru,
I love a guy but I placed a bet with the guy's best friend who also loves him that I would not tell him that I love him till he tells me that he loves me. Because I am bound by my word, I have ignored him and stopped interacting with him and now he is doing the same to me. That stupid, idiot does not realize that I am ignoring him because of my promise that he knows nothing about. But I still love him so much, I constantly have dreams about him and some of them.. Errr.. Are rather.. you know.. Naughty. Just today, I was dreaming of me dancing to Morey Piya while he watches me and he *blush blush* holds my hand and even touches my waist! I even help him out in his time of need but don't let him know because.. I don't want him to know that I care for him and love him but I want him to know somehow and then just tell me he loves me so we can go ahead with our romance. because frankly, I am getting impatient. I have been sneaking chances to touch him all the time, like wiping my lipstick off his lips or smearing haldi on his chest (too bad he was wearing a shirt) and I am afraid someday I will lose control and lose that stupid bet which I don't know why I placed in the first place. Please help!
Dear Confused In Love,
You genuinely seem rather confused. I have a question for you. What is more important to you? Your love or your bet? If your love is more important to you, please proceed to push your lover's best friend into the deepest well in the whole of Benaras and forget all about your kasme-vaade to said person. Then go and tell the guy you love that you love him and let your imaginations run wild. If your promise/bet is more important to you, all I can say, please continue with your tactics of sneaking glances and touches and keep praying and hoping that some day, he will lose control enough to kiss some sense into you.
Stay in touch,
Love Guru
*******
From: Idontbelieveinlove@gettingmarried.com
Dear Love Guru,
I don't believe in love anymore because the guy I initially fell in love with turned out to be an absolute jerk. But now, I am getting married to a guy who is really nice and loves me but I am marrying him for sake of my family who think that I love him because I told them I did but I really don't and I am only doing it for their happiness which is in my happiness and they think my happiness is in marrying him but it isn't. Its all because of a stupid picture someone clicked of him and me together. And now I am getting married and I am not really happy. What do I do?
Dear I don't believe in love,
After reading your query, I had to take a five minute break to wrap my head around your problem. Are you by any chance related to Ms. Confusedinlove? I have only one advice for you. Love! Love everyone and everything will be alright. Love your family, love the guy you are marrying. love his family. If there are certain people you find difficult to love, throw them in a well and close it with a lid and move on with the rest of your life.
Good luck,
Love Guru.
*****
From: savemyizzat@gundagiri.com
Dear love guru,
One woman washed her hands behind me. I afraid my izzat will get loot. Please help!
Dear Save My Izzat,
It took me time to figure out what you have written. I've translated it as - Ek aurat haath dhokar hamare peeche padhi hai. Humme darr hai ki kahin hamari izzat na lut jaaye. Please help. If this is indeed your problem, I suggest you bathe in cow dung every morning. Considering the lady is so hygiene conscious (she is pursuing you after washing her hands) this should turn her off.
***
From: 17yearoldHimalaya@iwantfood.com
Dear Love Guru,
Main tho ek seedha sa saadha sa nanha sa munha sa 17 years ka bachcha hoon. But for the first time in my life, a girl bought clothes for me other than my Amma - Amaya! Not only did she buy my clothes that looked like I had just been hit by an asteroid, but they were the perfect fit too. I think I am in love with her. She seems significantly older than me though. Will that be a problem?
Dear 17 year old Himalaya,
How about we concentrate on what we know best, ie, eating non stop? The girl you seemed to have fallen in love with is already booked for Mr. Mantu, aka, our local Mahadev. If you are Himalaya, do not forget that Mahadev lives in Kailash on top of the Himalayas.
P.S - It isn't Amaya who got you your perfect fit. I know for a fact that Barfi miyaan has worked that magic. Maybe you want to turn your attention towards Barfi miyaan instead of Amaya. Even his name is edible!
Take care,
Love Guru
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