Hi guys! This has been a very difficult chapter for me, in terms of conceptualisation. It is special for me because I came out of my comfort zone to put this together. This one is a dedication to Rani (puttarani) because she liked the NeilIya track as much as I like it. I am a bit apprehensive about how it turned out, and I want to hear so much from you guys about this one~
And this is a comparatively short chapter - I wanted to keep this exclusive. More coming up soon-ish
Please drop by your feedback her and on that note, Happy Reading! 😊
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Chapter 10
Ali was sitting in the center of the football field. It was dark and deserted here at this late hour, far ahead he could see the white goal post, and there was an identical one right behind. Both had the same function, and at some point of life or the other, he has defended from both the posts - but today, when there was no match, and he was sitting right in the middle of the ground, which one was his post? The one before him, or the one behind him? He looked down and sighed, still clutching his knees to his chest - the soft grass below her were damp from the slight shower of the evening.
Ali was in the cross roads of life, he needed to make a clear choice, both his identities played out before him like the two goal posts - the one in front of him was Ali, the one behind was Aliya - until now he had chosen Ali, but after what happened an hour or so back, he wasn't sure of his choice anymore, he felt like he was literally stuck in the middle of the field and Aliya was the post right behind him - so far Aliya wasn't visible, but now she is - Ali shuddered at the realization. He shut his eyes tight and a lone tear escaped him - it brought him back to the fresh memories of an hour back, when he came here with Neil.
Flashback begins
He was sitting right here, with Neil beside him. He was very agitated, Pragya's words were eating him inside - on one side was the lucrative offer that if he proved it that he wasn't a girl, all would accept him as Ali, how he wanted things to be, but that would come only at the cost of forcing himself to be intimate with a random man? How could he bring himself to that? How could he oblige anyone? Who would understand? Wait did that mean, somewhere he had persuaded himself to go through that temporary hell? What was rape, he wondered, literally what did it mean? Wasn't it forcing someone to a sexual act without his consent? Wasn't he doing the same to himself? Wasn't he forcing himself to an act of intimacy which his heart didn't give consent to? But the dream of being accepted as who he really was, it was too powerful, it kept nagging him - how was he to go about it, he wondered.
Neil was sitting quietly next to Ali noticing him. Ali was very disturbed, much more disturbed then he could gauge, he had agreed to come to the football field with hope of some answers, but he wasn't sure how to ask them now. Ali seemed too far - too lost in his own world.
"Ali, what is it mate?" he whispered. It brought Ali back to his present; he looked back in shock to realize Neil was still beside him. He gave him an agitated look and opened his mouth to explain, but nothing came out - where was he to begin from? Neil understood the dilemma.
"Buddy, you can count on me. I will understand" he gently encouraged him. He was right, thought Ali, only Neil could come close to understanding - close to - but that was the best hope he had, after all this guy had always understood him and accepted him as he was - he fought for Ali, to instill Ali's believe in others too - that Ali was a guy! Not a girl!
Ali smiled helplessly, a little teary eyed. Neil was alarmed, in his fifteen years of friendship with Ali, he never cried, what could have possibly happened? He automatically got close to Ali and hugged him consoling him. "Hey mate, it's okay, I have your back, you know right?" he soothed him gently. Ali only hugged him tighter, holding him tightly in his embrace, Neil held on, though admittedly he felt a little strange - Ali was feeling different today, he couldn't quite place how. Ali on the other hand was silently holding onto him like he was his strongest pillar, Ali opened his eyes to see her face was near Neil's neck, the posture felt oddly comforting. He had never hugged Neil like this before - admittedly it was different from a man-hug. Ali smiled, but Neil had always been a strong source of comfort for him. He was such kind of a man.
Wait - Neil is a MAN. How did he not realize this? He always knew, and he was straight, and he understood Ali the most! Surely he would understand! Surely he would help! Hadn't he always helped? Ali knew this was asking to much, but he knew Neil wouldn't be too mad at him for long, if he didn't ask for it, technically speaking. Asking would probably freak him out, and he would run away for a while - eventually Neil would have agreed anyway- that Ali was confident, but it would delay the process and Ali wasn't ready to wait.
Ali broke Neil's embrace and moved slightly back to face him, Neil looked at him with a comforting smile - seeing his ignorance, a wicked smile flashed in Ali's face.
Neil saw his smile, it looked different from Ali's usual sly grin - it looked softer, his eyes looked warmer, her cheeks there was a slight tinge of a well hidden shade of pink, and her lips..WAIT! HER!?! This was Ali, Ali was him!! He forced himself to notice her cropped hair, the undone eyebrows and the un-pierced ears, but there was a tinge of felinity in even those, maybe he had never noticed Ali before, not this up close - her face was a masque trying very hard to hide someone, but who? Neil took in a deep breath and decided to move away from this embrace, it was doing funny things to him - this was his buddy Ali! And Ali would probably castrate him, if he knew what was going on in Neil's mind. He was just about to pull away when Ali pulled him closer, and before he could understand what was going on, his lips were on Neil's. Initially it was plain shock that paralyzed Neil, as he stayed numb while his lips touched his.
Ali in a moment of calculative overdrive, did push forward to kiss him, but once he touched his lip, Ali realized, he was stuck - what to do next? Lick Neil's lip? Bite it? Push his tongue through his tight lip? What if he didn't open his mouth? Should he punch him in the gut so he opened his mouth to say Oww? But then his thoughts were evading him slowly, as all his senses for directed to his lips that were on Neil's. It felt strange he thought - good strange! Warm and soft, he unconsciously nibbled them a little.
Neil had no idea what took over his senses when he felt Ali nibble at his lips, yes the shock did fade, and he could move - but instead of moving away from him, he moved closer to Ali - he softly took in his lower lip - they were soft and delicious - maybe it was sheer biology, but soon they both were actively responding to each other's move. Neil slowly took his hands near Ali's waist and put his hand under his lose tee-shirt, as his hand circled on the skin of his well toned waist, Neil gently nudged his tongue into entering Ali's mouth, The kiss was getting passionate - but Ali could feel the familiar smell of fags - Ali's clove scented fags, and the waist, though the curve was perfect, it wasn't soft, it was tough and muscular, like a man's who played football, like Ali's thought Neil with a soft laugh - it was this laugh that brought them out of the trance and they both opened there eyes in outrageous shock. "ALI" Neil screamed out in realization and jerked away in shock. Ali was staring back at Neil in equal shock - wasn't this going to be rape-like for him? "Neil" he stammered. As he saw Neil struggle to stand up on his feet.
"What the hell was----" Neil chocked, he couldn't finish his statement as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Ali" "Guy?!?" were the only audible words Ali could catch. Then before almost running away, Neil looked back at Ali, rage clear in his eyes, "See you around mate - in another billion years or more maybe" he said through gritted teeth and made a dash from there, staggering at the memory of how attracted he was to a guy all of a sudden.
As he watched Neil run for life, Ali stared at his retreating figure, he was amused, shocked, enraged, and dumbfounded to say the least.
Flashback ends
Ali opened his eyes and realized he was still sitting in the same place he was ever since Neil left. A lot of thoughts aroused in him ever since - the most dominating one was a fleeting thought of a line Pragya had told him,
"Go close to a man, really close, get intimate, maybe kiss him? Then see, if your body reacts differently than a man's should. Then come and talk to me"
Was Pragya right? NO, she isn't, Ali was a guy. He thought this was going to clear the doubts in other's mind that he was a guy, never could he imagine that this could actually instill a tiny doubt in his own head - is he a guy? Is the existence of Aliya a possibility he was too stubborn to acknowledge? Ali was clearly facing an identity crises - Pragya's plan had horrendously gone wrong on him - he was a boy he screamed inside his head, but he couldn't deny that he loved the sensation of Neil's lip on his - ugh - but true, there was simply no point denying that.
It was an internal conflict like no other Ali had faced so far - his reality, his perception and his understanding about his true nature felt shaken, and he was not ready to accept it - his brain was working super fast, in order to come up with a suitable solution to accept his behavior, given the ground that he was a guy, but so far none came.
As he slowly got up and decided to go home, it struck him like lightening - the perfect reasoning that justified his behavior. He stood there amazed at the realization, it was massive in itself, but when compared to the identity crises he was slipping into, this seemed easier to accept. Ali heaved a sigh of relief, "So, I am gay."
***
Neil was sitting in his bedroom with a bottle of beer in his hand, he was still in shock - holy cow! How the f**k did it happen? Why did Ali kiss him? Why did he kiss him back? Crap crap crap!! This was surely to complicate things - why the hell did he take his hand under his tee-shirt? YUCK. What was he thinking? Was he possessed?!?! Damn it!
How couldn't meet Ali in the eye now. Neither could. He wouldn't want to face him ever - ever in his life - FREAK
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