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Chapter Forty Four
She was trying to turn to the other side but something warm and very heavy stopped her from doing so. She wasn't sure. She tried to open her eyes. But it seemed determined to stay shut. She realised she was not alone in the bed. Million different thoughts came to her mind. But what made her open her eyes finally was him. She realised it was not her room. Her bed. She's in another man's bed. She felt she was not naked, and was praising the Lord for that little mercy.
What am I gonna say to him? How will I face him? Oh dear lord! What have I done? She immediately got out of the bed. She couldn't see anything, the room was in total darkness. She realised she was in a man's sweat shirt and no pants. But it was up to her knees. She was still trying to make sense of where she is. And the last thing she wanted to do was wake what ever was sleeping under the quilt. It looked huge.
She trained her eyes to the darkness and managed to see a door way with a dim light. She slowly made her way towards it. Her head was pounding and her throat felt groggy due to vomiting. Mouth tasted bitter but she was feeling hungry. But that seemed to be the least of her worries for the time being.
Her Heart started to beat faster as she approached the light. What if I was kidnapped and raped. But she wasn't feeling any pain. What does that mean? Did I enjoy it? Was it consensual ? No it cannot be? I may have been drugged and under something. I know I would never have slept with another. It seemed impossible for her to accept the fact that she may have after all had sex with another.
She stopped suddenly and realised where she is. And words could not have expressed her relief and happiness. She's with him. But how? So it's him on the bed? No it wasn't him. She would've known if it was him even with her eyes closed and without even having to touch him. So who ever was on the bed was not him, not her Lovemehotri. Oh! no did I come to him with another man. Did I sleep in his bed with him? New wave of fear worst than the previous ones engulfed her. She wished she could turn back the clock and never had gone out with her colleagues for her assistant Trishas's 21st birthday party at a nightclub. It was the first time she's gone to one and she swore it'll be the last time as well.
She just had one glass of wine. The fact that she was on an empty stomach added to her misery. She knew she was not doing too well. Without playing spoilt sport she excused herself after calling for a lady driven cab. But what she didn't know was how did she ended up in his bed. With an unknown.
She slowly walked to where the light was coming from. It was his office and it was empty. She noticed the door was opened leading towards a roofed extension She walked towards the door. And what she saw was not what he wanted to see. It was him. Then who was she in bed with?
He was sitting on a removed back seat of a car. He had a coffee mug in hand. She could smell the aroma. And it made her stomach growl. She took short steps closer to him. He looked up and she didn't read him. She sat next to him. Not knowing what to say. Hoping he won't chase her away.
She looked at him he kept looking straight. She was trying to cover her legs as much as he can by pulling the sweater down. Her stomach growled. Hearing the sound he was reminded of the time they made love for the first time and her stomach made the same sounds. He Got up went inside. After few minutes he returned with a glass of water and aspirin and packet cookies.
He just put it down next to her and went inside. She was more than grateful for his care. He didn't have to but he did it anyway. She realised he wasn't going to come out again she went inside.
She saw him sleeping in his bed and she realised it was Pancy that was sleeping next to her not another man. She wanted to hug and kiss Pancy. She had come to him alone. So that means he changed her. How could he? But she was in no position to complain about anything.
She wondered where she's gonna sleep, then she noticed the couch with a clean Sheet and a fleece blanket with a pillow. She just settled on the couch but sleep seemed to have evaded her. She was tossing and turning without hope of getting any sleep. She checked the time and it was 3.45. She gave up on the idea of sleeping.
She opened her eyes to the sound of Pancy barking. She tried to hide her head under the pillow and block the deafening sounds that seemed to be threatening to blow her head. She could feel every single nerve in her head. And they all seemed to be pumping blood with more vigour. As if they were having their own Grand Prix. For her head was aching even more than what it was last night. She wasn't sure how many hours she was able to sleep. But it was not enough. Every time Pancy barked her head threatened to explode. She slowly lifted her head and shooed him. But Pancy was in no mood to let her sleep. He came to her and was urging her to wake up. But all she waned to do was hide her head under the pillow and sleep for an eternity. At least for few more hours.
She saw him coming towards from the pantry with what looked like a glass of juice. She stood on the couch with the blanket still wrapped around her. Specially her legs. She was conscious of the fact that she wasn't wearing any pants.
"Thank you" she whispered.
"What the hell do you think you're doing? Sky boy too busy to come and get you" he finally said it. Not having the patience to keep his anger within himself any longer.
"Last I checked I'm free to do as I please" she said not wanting to own up to her mistake. She knew he'll be furious with her. It was dangerous and stupid. But in her defence she was not in her right senses. That's what makes her decision to come all the way away from the city even more dangerous. She may not want to accept the real reason why she came to him.
He's her home. Her sanctuary. Her subconscious knows where she really feels safe. He was left wondering why she came to him in her most pathetic form. Then he realised its because she feels most comfortable with him. Not Sky boy or her friends. But him. What does that mean for him? Does that means she loves him? Is that why she came to him? He was puzzled. He couldn't ask her. He knew she won't give him a direct answer.
"I don't need anyone's permission. Certainly not yours Mini Cooper. Besides do you seek anyone's permission before you go on your drinking sprees" the claws were out and she was scratching with vigour.
"I'm very aware of your free sprited living. But keep me and my bathroom out of it. I have to bare the consequences" saying he walked away. She was angry and frustrated at her. She didn't have anyone but herself to blame.
"Don't worry it won't happen again. I don't know what was I thinking. I wasn't that's why. I'll be out of here soon as possible" she was thinking if she wants to go away in the first place. She liked it here. Better than her empty posh apartment. Even with all the back biting and the insults she still preferred to stay in his shadow than alone under the spotlight. This was home for her. That's it. She knew why she came to him. This is where her heart belongs. With him. Even if he didn't want her around and and even if he didn't want to speak to him she realised that moment why she's came to him.
He didn't even look at her. She wasn't sure if he was mad at her or just plain ignoring her. She didn't want to get into a verbal tussle with him. Specially not now. Every sound seemed to be magnified by many folds. The pulling of the drawer the closing of the door. Even Pancy's footsteps on the wood panelled floor seemed to irritate Astha. But she was not in any position to complain.
She took hold of the glass with both hands and slowly started to sip the sour juice. It wasn't just lime juice. Not that she was going to ask him what's in it? She was just falling for him all over again. Why is he being the way he is after all that she said? She humiliated him in front what he thinks as his competitor. She's been looking at him bleeding yet refused to stop the poking nor put a bandage to stop the bleeding. Yet here he is taking care of her.
She didn't even want to think the state of her when she landed at his doorstep. The pain and grogginess In her throat and bitterness in her mouth assured her she was less than elegant or composed. She knew she may have emptied her stomach more than once. The image of her head in the commode hair all messed up and wet as well. Was not a picture she wanted to cherish at all. But the fact that he endured all that for her. Cleaned her, changed her clothes and most probably carried her to his bed was something she was trying to comprehend. Only someone who really loves you would do a thing like that to you. She remembered how he cared for her when she used to get morning sickness. He would clean the bathroom until the odour is completely gone. Spray it with his perfume even at times just so that if she needs to use the bathroom again she wouldn't feel the discomfort. He cared for her so much. Yet he didn't trust her enough to believe her of her innocence. It always keeps coming to that. That's what's keeping them apart.
Even with everything that he's doing for her she can't overlook that one singular fact. He didn't trust her. He believed what he saw not what she said.
She was able to take only few sips of the hangover remedy when she had to make a dash to the bathroom once more. In her hurry she knocked over the glass of water that she had kept on the floor. She just ran towards the bathroom.
Pancy followed her barking. Shlok was watching all thats happening very calmly. He took a glass of water to the bathroom and kept it on the wash basin and walked out. He didn't want to. She was struggling but he didn't want to be rejected by her. She looked up and he wanted to hold her close to him wipe away the tears that's popping out of her eyes due to the strain. He knew how painful it is vomiting on an empty stomach. Your whole abdomen fights to come out. And your already sore and burnt throat struggles to help you.
She was in the bathroom for more than half an hour. She looked at her image in the mirror. Hair all messed up. She tried to comb her hair with her hands. But they seemed to be having a life on its own. She washed her face many times but that didn't take away the frown nor the disgusting look from her face. She looked around and saw her clothes hanging on the shower curtain rail. She couldn't wear them even though they have been washed. She could still get the unpleasant ordour. He washed them. Her dirty stinky clothes...
There was a knock on the door and she opened it. "Are you done admiring your handy work last night? Some of us needs to use the facility for other purposes as well you know" he said clearly irritated and angry with her while heading over a fresh toothbrush.
"Ain't you well prepared for unexpected overnight guests. I'm sure they are lot prettier and in better condition than i am" she started it again without even planning to do so.
"Oh believe me they are. And they give me pleasure not stomach sickening odour" he was trying not to open his mouth. Because he wasn't sure what he would say. He's been fuming with anger for her carelessness. For coming in a taxi alone in the night not in her senses. For not calling sky boy if not him.
"I suppose extra set of fresh clothes would be wishful thinking"
"It is. They usually like to be sober to remember all that I do to them. So no dresses"
"I'm sure you may have weighed in your possibilities with me last night"
"Necrophilia is not my style. I'd like to be able be able to look in her eyes and see the excitement" he said feeling the changing atmosphere inside the bathroom. He Was looking straight into her eyes. They both realised what the other was thinking. For a moment they both forget what they were arguing about and remembered exactly what he said. The excitement, passion and the tenderness they always shared.
Pancy came in between them and broke their eye lock.
"I've seen corpse looking far better than you were last night. Since when did bile stench was considered to be an aphrodisiac?" he was giving her a taste of her own medicine.
"I'm sure you have. What was I thinking. Forgive me for my mistake" she was trying to stop herself from feeling the pain and hurt his words was inflicting on her bruised heart.
"I'm sure you didn't take any undue liberties with when changing my clothes"
"Did I enjoy? I wish I can give you a positive answer. But I did see the effects of ageing very clearly. They are not as firm as they used to be. Why isn't sky boy into side dishes he just goes for the main course?"
"You just worry about getting your Mini Cooper started when needed. I'll make sure they don't touch the waist" she was furious.
"I know ageing is a bitch. Not all can age gracefully. I'll tell you what? I know a plastic surgeon. He Customise women's body's parts. I'll talk to him. Will probably give you a discount as well"
"Don't bother I've got my own contacts. Tell me how much do I owe you?" She asked taking out the daggers.
"I know you have money. It pays no role here" he was disappointed at her thinking. Even after he told her how he feel about her she still continues to keep cutting. She belittled his feelings for her. But he was not one to let her his true feelings. He refused to give her that satisfaction. She was as always oblivious to his hurt.
"Money talks baby. You know it better than anyone else" she thought she was being brave
"But there are things even money can't buy. I'm sure you know it better than me"
"Of course. You showed me with examples. How could I ever forget. A Lost life can never be bought or replaced with money" she was at her vicious best.
"There goes my hope for redemption" if only she could see the pain her words caused him she would never be able to forgive herself.
She stepped out of the bathroom and he entered. She realised he had cleaned the broken glass as well. He does all that and she keeps cutting him bit by bit.
"What are you still doing here. I thought you couldn't wait to get out of here" she was taken off guard by his question.
"You don't expect me to walk out of here dressed like this" said she pointing at her legs.
"You think I give a shit? I Stopped wearing skirts long time back" saying he walked towards his wardrobe. Took out a sweat pant. Threw it at her. She caught it luckily.
She walked upto the pantry cupboard and pulled the drawer and took out a pair of scissors. Came back to the couch laid the pant flat and was about to cut the legs short when he pulled the pant saying "what the hell?" She pulled it back from him and told him "you add it to the final bill or I'll get you the same pant. I can't wear this as it is". She just cut off the legs of the pant.
"Astha that's it. Get out of here"
"Gladly" saying she marched into the the bathroom. Stepped out with her clothes in a bundle and dressed in his baggy pants up to her ankles. She looked like s ragged doll.
She was in no state to walk out on to the road. She was hungry, head still pounding, miserable and shown the door by the one she loves. The day couldn't get any better. She didn't have a choice but to walk out. She grabbed her clutch put on her flats and walked out. He was no where to be seen.
"Have a good life" she shouted as she stepped outside the warehouse. It was extremely cold and she was glad for the warm sweatshirt and the pants. She was calling for cab when she heard him calling out to Pancy and closing the warehouse doors. She was standing out side wall hugging her clothes. Looking out into the road leading up to the warehouse.
She heard him starting the truck. She started to make her way towards the main road. He stopped near her and said "get in. I still have bit of decency left in me".
"I don't need your help. I'll get a cab just as I came. Thank you for your generosity" she said continuing her walk.
"Astha! Stop being a brat and just get in. I don't have time to play house with you" he was getting irritated by her stubbornness.
"If you don't I will just shove you into the truck" he said getting out of the truck. Seeing he means what he says she got inside. He too got back inside.
"I'm being a brat? And don't worry I have no intention of playing house with you. I remember what happened when we did last time" again her spiteful words stabbed him and it was too late to take back the words.
He stepped on the gas and Astha knew she's done it again. She held on to Pancy. He seemed very quite too. As if he understood what was going on between them. She asked for forgiveness for her hurtful words. Why can't she just keep her mouth shut for once. After all he's done for her this how she treats him. Stabbing him repeatedly. She cursed herself again and again.
He knew she's still not forgiven him for his betrayal. And he didn't blame her for that either. He felt he deserved it. It was his mistake. So he must pay for it.
She suddenly opened her eyes. Shit I've done it again. Why can't I just keep my eyes open in his car. She was trying to look dignified and composed. He was looking at her without any expression. She wished he'd say something. It is said words can sting like anything but silence breaks the heart. She knew what it meant.
Before she got out she took few notes from her valet and placed it on the dash board and made her get away. He just grabbed the money and threw it at her. The notes fell at her feet. She picked it up and looked on as he sped away from her. Embarrassed and miserable. Her heart nor her head was able to think rationally. Make sense of it all. Why? But deep down she knew the reason. It always comes to that. She was like a wounded a animal. Afraid to be saved. Sits by the roadside not allowing any one to come and help her. She was ready to bite any one that tried to come close to help her.
He was angry at himself and her and the situation. When is it all going to end. He was loosing hope. Will she ever forgive him? Do they have a future? His suspicions about her and sky boy seemed to be fading. He felt it's just an act. She's not in love nor in any relationship with anyone. He hoped he's right this time.
She was going through days like a zombie. Nothing seemed matter. Make sense to her. She hated going to her empty apartment day in and day out. She didn't have an alternative either. She did but that was out of the question. She was asked to leave the last time she was three. She didn't enjoy going out either. Her interaction with the few friends too became less. Earlier she used to go out and have dinner, lunch, ice cream and movies. She declined every offer.
She was sitting in her room doing a crossword puzzle on a Friday evening when her phone rang. It was him. The one that she's been to hear the voice of. "you're car is ready. It's parked outside your building" he said. He's here. She ran out to the balcony and looked down. He saw the car parked as he mentioned. But he wasn't anywhere to be seen.
"Your highness!would you be so kind to come down from you're castle and take the keys or should I leave the keys with the security guard?" She was unable to think clearly. She just ran towards the door. She didn't want to miss him. She hoped he'd stay till he makes it to the lobby.
She walked hurriedly towards the main gate. She was dying to see him once more. As she stepped outside through the small door she saw him. Clean shaven. Denim with white shirt. Brown moccasins. He looked delectable. Is he purposely doing this to her. Looking desirable knowing fully well I can't have him. I won't. He's punishing me. Men...
"Enjoy" saying he tossed the car Keyes towards her. She caught them. Before she could say anything he was making his way to a cab on the other side of the road. And then just like that he was gone.
She wasn't even bothered if the car was all she hoped it would be. She was totally dumbfounded. She was trying to make sense of what just happened. It all happened so fast she wasn't sure if it happened at all. But she had the Keyes in her hand. That means he did actually come here and retuned the car back to her.
She got in the car and touched the steering wheel. And she could still smell his perfume inside the car. She took a deep breath. She just closed her eyes and leaned back on to the seat.
The next day Pancy was at it again. It was barley 7.30 in the morning and he was barking as if he's in some distress. Shlok got up very reluctantly. Pancy was scrapping the door. He thought he wanted a bathroom break. So he quickly let him out. He was barking at the outer door as well. Shlok opened it as well.
Then he realised what he was trying to say to him all the while. It's her. She's come to him.
He ignored her and went inside. She got of the car and came after him.
"Shlok! You have to tell me how much I owe you. You kept your end of the deal now it's mine. Besides I don't need any charity. Not even from you" saying she kept a blank signed check on his desk.
"I don't need your money. It was never about the money, I didn't do it for the money" saying he tore the check in two and gave it back to her.
"Then why did you do it? To show me how great and how big you're heart is? Or how big your ego is? If you had told me in the beginning then I would've taken it to some other place. You're not the only one you know"
"That's it I did it for my own sick satisfaction. You just never let me forget that I'm a sick heartless bas***d. I know you never wanted to see me again. So now you don't have to ever again. So just take you're bloody car and just get out of my life"
"That's not what I meant and you know it as well me. Don't twist things." She was hurting with thinking of the way she's made him feel. She didn't know what else to say. She didn't want to hurt him more than she already has. So she just walked out of the warehouse. Shlok came after her. Stood in front of her. "Astha don't go. This end today. For once be honest"
"No it ended long time back" she said looking at him.
"What do you want from me? What do you want me to say?"
"You can't give me what I want" she said
"Nothing's changed. I'm still the same" he wanted to get this cleared today.
"I'm not. Nothing is the same as they used to be" she was being honest. But she wasn't sure if she likes where this whole conversation will lead to.
"I know you have" he was trying to be supportive.
"No you have no idea" she hated being pushed to a corner.
"Then Why don't just tell me"
"What's the point, it didn't stop you before"
"My love for you is the same. It's not as weak as you think"
"Love was never the problem trust was" saying she moved towards her car.
"Astha, talk to me. What do you want from me?
"Just let me go. Get out of my way. I don't have anything to say to you" she said avoiding his eyes. Because she knew her eyes would betray her.
"Astha for gods sake tell me what's in you're mind. No more games. This has to end today" he was determined to get some answers from her. To stop the pretentious act by her. But she was in no mood to let him have his way. Let him off the hook.
"I can't live like this. If you can then teach me too. You want to punish me? How can I assure you you have. When will it be enough? When do you plan to stop! When I die? Don't you wanna live too? With or without me? I thought this is living. But it's not. This is just endless torture. Tell me. Tell me what you want to hear. I'll say it all. You want me to tell you that I was a jerk. I was. I left you. I betrayed you. I didn't deserve you. You hate me. Tell me. I killed our baby. I know that too. Damn Astha just open you mouth and say what you think and what you want. What you want me to do?" She refused to talk to him, give into what he wanted.
"You want me to beg? Will it help you. Give you peace!" Saying he grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her. She was not ready to be touched by him. She closed her eyes and cringed with fear. Fear of the unknown. "Take your hands of me" she said still with her eyes closed. He saw the discomfort in her and quickly let her go. Seeing her reaction to his touch made him even more irked with her. He took one step back. She opened her eyes.
"Die? Will it help? Tell me something. You want me to shag you? Leave you alone? Will anything help? Just say something Astha." He was at a loss. She just looked away. She even refused to look at him. What was he trying to achieve here. She's not going to say anything. She's never gonna forgive me for my sin. I f*****d up and now I'm f*****d for life. He was thinking with immense GUILT.
"That's it. I'm done trying. I'm done gussing. Go. Don't comeback until you have anything to say. I need the real Astha. Not this zombie." Saying he walked back to the warehouse.
She followed him instinctively. She wanted to talk after all. He was back inside in no time. She had to hurry after him. He was in the middle of the warehouse when he heard her voice.
"I don't know what will help" Shlok heard her voice finally, he stopped and turned towards her. "Yes you betrayed me. Left me when I needed you the most. Yes, I want you to suffer. Yes, I want you to die and live at the same time. Yes I want you. I hate you for thinking that you can just touch me like that. I'm untouchable for you. I think I'll die if you do so again. I want you to feel the way I felt lying in that prison cell and after. Alone and miserable unworthy, undesirable. You didn't even want to look at me. You said I was dead to you. And now I should let you touch me and talk to you so that it'll make you feel good" she finally managed to let it all out.
"You didn't want to look at me. You were lying with your back to me. I didn't touch you because I thought I lost that right. That you didn't want me to" he said walking back to her.
"Not then... When everyone else doubted me you did too"
"I was trained to doubt. That was my job" he said trying to justify his actions. But he knew it was not acceptable. He didn't want to accept it either.
"Not when you love. You said you loved me. If you truly loved me you would never have doubted me. Love believes. Love doesn't doubt" they were having their first ever honest conversation since she walked out of his apartment.
"You doubt on me too now. Nothing I say to you means anything to you. You doubt on every word I say. That can mean one thing and that is you never really knew me and you never really loved me"
"Of course I didn't. That's why I wished your child most of all" she was hurt hearing his words. How could he ever doubt her love for him.
"Don't mock me Astha"
"Standing here it's easy for you to preach on love and trust. You should've tried it while lying alone in a dirty prion floor bleeding to death not sure if you're unborn child will make it let alone you" she saw the agony in his face with the mention of that day.
"You have no right to talk to me about trust and love. You lost that right the moment you stopped believing me.
"Good lets get it all out in the open now that we have started it. From the very beginning. Don't leave anything out. You're implying that I was a heartless bas***d. A traitor. That I already know. What's next? I raped you. Because you were never into me. It was always me that was after you just for the sex" he was pouncing her with his words.
"Don't I deserve to be heard? You're not only a lier but blind and stupid too. Didn't you know you were all to me. You distort my words. How can you say I never loved you? You know my past. You know you were the only thing worth living. You were the reason being alive seemed like a blessing. I could tolerate the world cause you were part of it. And then you took it all away from me. In an instant all was lost. And I still pay. With my health, my happiness and my life. I still suffer for loving you. I can't sleep because of you. I have nightmares and fears cause of you. I won't tell you how to live. It's not my life. Not my business. Didn't they train you for this too. I thought they train you to face anything. You know Shlok the sad part of it all is that if you had trusted me you could've had a wife and child. A normal life. But now all you have is Booze and a dog. And I don't even have that. I have absolutely nothing. I have no one. Just an empty apartment. So don't you dare ask me to tell you what you should do cause anyways you don't do as I ask. You do what you're trained to do" saying she just left him standing and walked up to her car and drove off.
He stood where he was. Unable to move. Trying grasp all that she said. All that she revealed about her. She's as miserable as he is. May be more. She had no one. No sky boy. It was all just an act. His heart ached for thinking of the kind life she wad leading. Alone in an apartment day in and day out. Waking up frightened with nightmares. No one to hold her and say it's ok. It's just a dream. All will be ok. I'm here. Like he used to tell her when she wakes up in the middle of the night after watching a horror movie. He has been so wring about her. He wanted to make everything like they used to be. She needs him as much as he needs her.
As painful as it was to hear her say those words he was glad she finally talked to him. Now he knows where he stands. What she feels.
Fan Fictions
Anupamaa
