Chapter 8
On the quiet terrace my footsteps echoed distinctly. After scanning the empty and deserted area I stood near the railing and gazed down. Even at this hour there was lot of hustle and bustle on the street. Maybe they were in a hurry to go back to their homes, to someone waiting for them.
Descending to my bedroom my eyes travelled across the room that was silent and empty quite similar to my life.
Silence and emptiness had always been an integral part of my being, the silence broke once on hearing her sing and I brought her into my life to fill that emptiness but I guessed, silence and loneliness were my best pals. They didn't wish to leave my side so easily thus returned as soon as they could and this time not alone, they brought along another deserted and quiet soul with them. Initially I tried hard to shun away silence with my violent outbursts and it did leave me for some time but that emptiness in my heart just refused to go. They say when the world steps out, the true friend steps in, same happened with me as well, silence once again spread in my life but this time they had competition from none other than that quiet and lonely soul.
Nothing lasts forever, same was the case with the quietness which surrounded me, it would get distracted sometimes by the bells hanging from her dupatta or by her green glass bangles which tinkled in the room and around me. With her coming in, slowly silence exited along with loneliness as her presence could be felt not only in the room but somewhere inside me as well. Things had changed not drastically but still there'd been some movement in my otherwise stagnant life. My eyes had got habitual of seeing her around, if not in the room then at the poolside and my ears no longer found her bangles and bells irritating. If she'd speak something no matter how sarcastic or bitter it'd be then not only my ears but even my heart and mind would pay full attention to her and also think over her words later on. In simple words I wasn't alone in this room and world anymore, she had managed to enter my domain, whether as per my will or not, whether as per her knowledge or not.
Life is a long journey where we stop, meet several people and then move on. Sometimes fortunately or unfortunately we bump into them again. Much to my dislike but after a very long time, today my old pals were back with me. I sighed deeply and slipped my hand in my right pocket and took out the broken pieces of her bangle. Pulling out the bedside drawer I dropped those pieces making some sound then walked to the recliner and brushed my fingers over her ironed out clothes letting the bells tinkle in the hope that my friends would get the message. But they were deaf and dumb, as they failed to understand what I was trying to suggest.
The door knocked, I turned my neck and found Payal standing with the dinner tray. Her eyes were heavy and she looked too sleepy. I smiled and said," keep it. I'll have it later." She kept the tray and left.
My eyes shifted from the plate to the porch outside and then one more time to the poolside, knowing very well that they wouldn't find who they were searching for but still they took a chance.
I had heard somewhere that the person who eats alone is the most lonely one in the whole world. Before marrying her, I'd had several meals in isolation and it didn't bother me because I had lived that way, there was nobody to share my thoughts, my feelings even this room then how could I expect to share a meal with somebody. Therefore having food alone had become a normal routine for me which I used to follow quite religiously thus when she started waiting for me, initially I had found it quite odd and uncalled for but since we hardly spoke to each other, I let it be, unaware that this might disturb me in the future, like it was doing tonight.
Taking a deep breath I took a spoonful of rice and thought, what was the big deal in having food without other family members or her in particular? I had done it in the past and I could do it again. Had she been here even then we would have had our meals separately then why should her absence or the fact that no one was waiting for me in this room affect me?
Was I somewhere wishing to have a normal life like any other guy?
I brought the spoon close to my mouth and parted my lips. I dropped the spoon. I was not feeling hungry tonight and it had got nothing to do with her.
Pushing the tray aside I sprawled my legs on the bed, leaning my back against the backrest. I tried to relax in the darkness that appeared before my closed eyes but the next moment her innocent face came up in the darkness. I attempted to avoid her image but failed miserably as once again her eyes caught my attention. I breathed in slowly and looked deeply into those eyes that were a mirror to her wounded soul. Every little change in her emotion reflected in those eyes. Although she tried hard to hide her feelings by keeping quiet and dropping her eye lids but whenever I got a chance to look in them I felt they wished to say a lot to me but her lips just didn't cooperate with them and remained tightly sealed making her heart bear the brunt of her silent lips. Even when she was leaving for her college, I felt that she had this strong urge to say something but she was holding herself back.
I pursed my lips and thought, if she could point out my mistakes clearly and fearlessly then why couldn't she pour her heart similarly? Why was she suffering silently? Why was her happiness so short lived? If she loved to study then why did the idea of continuing her education sparkled her eyes only for some time? And why on earth did she appear so restless at the time of going back to the hostel? I banged my fist in frustration and opened my eyes as I didn't have an answer to any of the questions.
Why the hell was I thinking about her so much? It was her life and she could lead it the way she wished. I did the best I could for her, rest was up to her .
I shifted on my bed to sleep and began taking my wrist watch, wallet and other things out. Dropping things in the bedside drawer my hand stopped when my gaze fell on the handkerchief. My thumb slowly traced the letters ASR and stopped at the letter S'. Sheetal came and left my life in no time, her deceit left a scar on my soul but what amazed me was that how did I end up making a place in khushi's life? What had I done that she embroidered ASR, my name on a piece of cloth?
Instead of being hated by her for being so rude and harsh to her why did I end up getting cared? How did I manage to earn a place in her life? One more time I was left with unanswered questions, silence and loneliness.
I lay in bed and spread my arms wide when my hand touched the cell phone. Just then it struck me that I had forgotten to message her that I was done with my dinner, why did she wait for me anyways?
My eyes were tired as I revised the last chapter of the book, relaxing myself I lay in bed and continued to read , straining my eyes in the process when all of a sudden his words rung in my ears," this isn't the correct position to study. Your eyesight might get affected." I sat up at once, knowingly or unknowingly we were beginning to cast an effect on each other. Though we hardly communicated with each other but whatever little we did showed our deep concern for one another. His small little gestures like messaging me that he's done with his meals or his waking me up early in the morning to study by giving me a missed call daily said more than actual words could express.
He had mellowed down a lot, rarely would I find him irritated or angry. He had even cut down on his drinking, though not given up fully but no more did he drown his miseries in alcohol. Maybe somewhere he had accepted or compromised with his past and it relieved me to see him that way.
I began reading once again when the window panes of my room rattled loudly, I looked in that direction, it was stormy outside. I walked slowly toward the window, the street lights made things visible, I wish they hadn't as my gaze covered a huge distance and stopped at the tip of a tomb far away bringing back memories of that unforgettable night. I held on to the window grills firmly and closed my eyes tightly as my mind travelled back and images of my past flashed before my eyes. I began breathing heavily as the scenes became clearer..I was in love and told him about my feelings ..wind was blowing heavily as we both sneaked out of the college fest to spend some time alone..it began raining when we reached the tomb..a place where I always wanted to visitand then ..then..what happened devastated me.. I squeezed my eyes tightly blocking those images but couldn't, my throat went dry and I wanted to scream loudly as I saw something more he had gotten drunk secretly in the fest and was driving fast his car hit the petrol tank and went up in flames.. I clutched the grills with all my strength and my heart thudded loudly inside my chest competing with the sound of lightning that struck in the sky. Tears pricked the corners of my eyes.
Rain drops fell on my face bringing me back to my present and I opened my eyes slowly. It was past, it was gone, it couldn't come back, my mind reminded me again and again.
I stared at the tomb one more time, what happened couldn't be changed, I had no choice but to face it, accept it and bury it all here itself if possible. I calmed my racing nerves and leaned my head on the grills telling myself, I had cried enough over my past, now no more tears, if I survived then, then now also I could survive, I would not breakdown.
Past no matter how bitter it was couldn't be erased neither did I wished to because it had some beautiful moments, the realization of love was an amazing feeling and I didn't want to let go that memory, the rest maybe.
My cell phone kept on the bed buzzed, I turned around and saw his name flashing on the screen. I took a step ahead when I felt a tug, I looked back and saw my dupatta tangled in the grill. Words of manorma maami echoed in my ears, " then why don't you accept what is nice?"
what future held for me, I didn't know neither did I care, the past was gone leaving just the present and I wished to live in it. I moved toward the bed with determination, my dupatta tore off a bit, I didn't stop and picked up the cell phone to read the message," khushi, have dinner." my tired and heavy eyes softened slightly, taking out the halwa box which maa had given, I messaged him back.
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"Arnav ji, tonight let's eat together. You there and I here." I smiled, smiled not only at her message but also on seeing my loneliness depart silently.
Thanks for reading
Rose
Cricket
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