FF: Ankahee | Completed - Page 28

Madhu ran out of her bed to the washroom. It was dawn, and she was woken out of a disturbing dream she could no longer remember by an interminable urge to throw up. As she bent to throw up, she felt a protective arm hold her by the waist and a hand hold her hair back. Relieved that she no longer had to support her own body weight, Madhu finished vomiting and washed her face. RK supported her back to her bed and made her sit.

"Are you okay, honey?" he asked, looking very perplexed.

"Yeah, I am fine. Thanks. It's just morning sickness."

"You look really pale. I am worried. Let's go to a doctor."

"No. It's not needed. I saw a doctor 4 days back. I just need my medicines."

"Are you sure? You look really weak. I am getting worried. Maybe let's just call a doctor."

Madhu looked at Rishabh and saw genuine worry on his face. Perhaps he was worried for the baby - he was a new father after all - she thought to herself. Or perhaps, this was the same concern Rishabh had always had for her, she countered. Maybe things hadn't changed that much. Maybe, it was only in her head that their relationship had changed, because even in the early days of their relationship, it had been the same Rishabh and the same concern in Rishabh's eyes that she saw right now.

"No...I am really fine. This happens on many mornings." Madhu spoke as she settled back on her bed, but didn't miss the tinge of guilt and regret on Rishabh's face. He didn't know because he hadn't been there. Although, was that really his fault?

"Okay. Do you need anything? Can I make you some breakfast."

"No, I am just really tired. I think I will sleep for another half an hour and then get ready for work."

"You're not going to office today!" Rishabh instantly blurted, his voice filled with the same protective possessiveness Madhu recognized in her husband. Their eyes met, and a moment later, Rishabh seemed to understand. "I am sorry. I mean...you look really pale and tired. I don't think you should exert yourself. Could you...I mean...it's your decision, but...if there is no urgent work...could you not call in sick today? I will take you to the doctor in some time." RK said, somewhat guiltily.

"Okay." Madhu said after a few moments of silence. "I will stay in. It's Friday - there's not that gets done on Fridays anyway."

"Thanks." RK smiled a little as he helped tuck Madhu in the bed and watched her gently doze off to sleep. He kept sitting by her side for a long time though, staring at his life and thinking about the painful struggle of rebuilding, yet grateful to simply be here.

***********************************

Madhu was standing in the small balcony of her apartment, overlooking the city. It wasn't much of a sight and it was a rather chilly afternoon, but it still felt comforting to Madhu to stand here for a bit and try to make sense of the noise within her. A mug was held out to her from behind, and she looked into to see hot chocolate with marshmallows. She turned behind and saw RK holding another mug in his hand.

"Where did you get this?"

"Went to the grocery store downstairs when you were sleeping. You don't want it?"

"No...I mean yes. I want it. I don't know why but I was thinking about exactly this."

"Well, while you were sleeping you were mumbling about chocolate."

"What? That's not true."

"That is so true! Or at least it sounded like chocolate to me. So I went and got hot chocolate, chocolate bars, chocolate cookies and chocolate croissants."

"You did not!"

"Check the kitchen. I figured you'd like at least one of those." RK grinned.

"Oh really! And what if I didn't? I don't even like chocolate that much."

"Since when! You eat chocolate like a 2 year old...as much inside your mouth as much on your hands and lips and clothes." RK quipped, and they both laughed. It seemed like they had somehow traveled back in time to their home where they lived together and enjoyed little moments of teasing each other every day.

RK stopped and looked at his laughing wife, remembering the past when he used to lick chocolate off her lips. How much had he missed this laughter! How much had he missed feeling like this...just being with Madhu! How light this moment was! How could he have screwed everything and lost this? How did he take away this laughter? And what would he give to hold onto this whiff of a chance he had right now to keep this alive for the rest of his life?

Noticing RK, Madhu suddenly stopped laughing as well. She had forgotten for a while the reality of their present moment. She looked down as the air between them suddenly became heavy with their silence.

"Let's go inside." RK said. Madhu nodded and moved in, RK closing the door behind her.

"Madhu, we need to talk." He said as Madhu sat down on the couch.

"Hmmm. Do we have to?"

"Yes. Otherwise we can never move past this. We can wait a few days if you want, but we have to talk. I want to put the past behind so we can build a future."

"Hmm" Madhu said after a pause. "I don't know where to start."

"With Maya."

"Rishabh, I don't want to..."

"No Madhu, we have to talk about that night. And everything else. Maya and everything that happened around her is a big part of why we are here today and w we wouldn't be able to understand the small things without confronting the big ones."

"Hmm"

"Okay. I know this is going to be difficult Madhu, but please trust me. The only way out of this is honesty. I don't want to hide anything from you - I never wanted to even in the past, but still, I want us to start today with a 100% transparent conversation. And it will only work if we say what we really feel."

"Hmm"

"So...ok...I will start with the night of my birthday. What you saw was..."

Tears slowly streamed Madhu's eyes as RK narrated the events of his birthday night, starting from when his friends came over that evening, to the conversation between him and Maya, the alcohol, the kiss and the events after Madhu left. Guilt and anguish were written all over RK's face, and Madhu sensed the quiver in his voice that was proof of both his fear and the courage that lay beyond it which was helping him narrate something so clearly difficult on him. Madhu's heart stopped when RK spoke about Maya's confession to him. Hearing RK speak the words about how Maya had told him she had been in love with him made Madhu sick at the pit of her stomach. Even though she knew, and even though she by now assumed that RK knew, just listening to that conversation and anticipating RK's response made her restless. RK then explained how he asked Maya to leave and how he told Rohan about the truth. He didn't say it in as many words, but Madhu sensed a deep pain as RK paused while talking about Rohan. Was Rohan unhappy with RK?

Before he could say more, Madhu spoke up, unable to keep the question silent inside her. "Why did you ask Maya to leave?"

"What?"

"That night...when she told you...why did you ask her to leave?"

"What else would I do, Madhu! Trust me, I didn't know Maya had any of those feelings before that very moment when she told me. She shouldn't have had any feelings because at least she should have known how I felt. I was shocked, but there was no other response I had. Madhu, trust me, for me Maya was nothing more than my close friend. I didn't know what she felt. I have only loved one person and that is you. For God's sake, I am married to you!" RK kneeled in front of Madhu and held her hand as he spoke looking into her eyes.

"But what if you weren't?" Madhu asked, her voice shivering.

"What if I wasn't what..."

"What if we weren't married? Would you have turned her away? Just because you had to marry me, doesn't mean that you are now bound in some prison and you're no longer free to..."

"Hang on Madhu. Let's get some things clear. First of all, I didn't have to marry you. Nobody forced me. If anything, I was the one who forced you to marry me in a way, even though I didn't think I was forcing you against your will at the time. If I did, I am sorry..."

"No you didn't..."

"Right. Point is, I asked you to marry me because I wanted to marry you. I married you because I love you and I want to spend my entire life by your side loving you. That was true then, and that is true now. I love you Madhu. And as per Maya, I did not know that she had feelings for me. Maybe I should have, but I didn't. But if I had known earlier, my response would have been the same. I couldn't reciprocate her feelings because I didn't share them. Look into my eyes Madhu, please, because this is important. I only and truly love you, and I will always love you, because I cannot live without you. You are my life."

Madhu looked into RK's eyes and saw beneath his tears what some part of her heart had always told her - the honesty and purity of Rishabh's love for her. Gradually, she closed her eyes and let the realization sink in so that the knowledge of this truth could fight her insecurities that had always made her doubt if RK really wanted her or if she was merely intruding.

"Biwi...open your eyes please. Please believe me."

"I trust you." Madhu softly said as she opened her eyes and clenched RK's hands tight. It was probably getting a bit more time, but she already felt lighter than she had felt in a long time. She bent forward till her nose touched RK's forehead, and then closed her eyes again, feeling RK's breath on her neck. Slowly, RK sat next to her and held her lightly in an embrace.

"Can I ask you something Madhu?" RK asked after a while.

"Yeah." Madhu said, pulling apart and facing Rishabh.

"Why did you not tell me?"

"About what?"

"About Maya's feelings. Nisha told me that you heard Maya confess her feelings to her long before our marriage. Is it true? And if it is, why didn't you ever tell me?" RK asked as surprise morphed into a guilty struggle on Madhu's face.

"I..."Madhu lowered for gaze and struggled for words "...I...I didn't know what to say...what it meant...if it was true...I didn't how to say and when to say..."

RK held Madhu's chin "Look at me honey. You didn't believe that I would listen to you, isn't it? That's the real reason, right..."

"Would you have?"

"Yes Madhu. I would have. I would have been surprised, and I would have probably confronted Maya in front of you to figure out the truth in case you had misheard or misunderstood, but we could have handled it together. Have you ever lied to me or let me down? No right, then why wouldn't I trust that you were saying the truth? Maybe I am not the best listener. I guess I have let you down too many times in the past for you to trust me that I have faith in you. But I always believed that even if we disagree on something, we were transparent with each other and trusted that each of us was saying what they really felt. I was so wrong. I never earned that trust from you I guess that you could be confident in my faith for you."

"No Rishabh, that's not the only reason. I was afraid, and the first reason was that I didn't know if you would believe me - what if Maya denied it - you'd believe her and then I would have no credibility. You always thought I was jealous and over-possessive...after this you'd have..."

Madhu's words felt like a rude awakening to Rishabh. Over the last month, he had suspected this but hearing it now really made it real. Reflecting on his own behavior, he realized that even though in his mind Madhu and Maya were very different and nobody was more important than Madhu, his behavior especially from Madhu's point of view may not have shown that. Maya was close to him and important to him. He did trust her just like he trusted Madhu. What would he have done if they both said the opposite things? Would he have really thought Madhu was being paranoid and possessive, like she feared? He hoped the answer was no, but he struggled to put himself in those shoes and deny the dilemma. It was a lose-lose situation, and no matter which of Madhu and Maya were lying, he wouldn't be able to support one of them without breaking the heart of the other. And when he himself was so conflicted, was Madhu's insecurity unjustified? How did things get so complicated?

"I am sorry", Madhu spoke after a few minutes of pensive silence.

"No, don't be. You're right. I never did enough to inspire confidence in you about my faith. I...I am sorry Madhu. I now realize I had been the problem all along. Ever since the beginning, I demanded your faith but never gave you enough of mine. I made you insecure...I didn't even know. I wish you had slapped me or something. I am so sorry. I hate myself."

"No Rishu...it's my fault too. I should have shared how I felt earlier. This would have been a tricky situation no matter what and on top of it I never said anything, so by the time something this big came up, there was no chance..."

"What was the second thing? You said there was more than one reason you were afraid to tell me." RK asked.

"Umm...I guess..."Madhu looked into RK's eyes for courage, then gulped and stood up before she spoke "...I don't know...I was being selfish because I didn't want to lose you. The truth is...the truth is that once I knew she loved you, I realized that had I not come in your life, you and Maya would have ended up together. Even though I did believe at the time that you didn't love her, the truth is that I came between the two of you. Without me, you would have realized sooner or later that you loved her too. And I know, I should have told you and let you go to her the day I got to know, but something in me stopped me...I was too selfish...I couldn't lose you...I am sorry" Madhu spoke between sobs standing a few feet away from Rishabh, who was stunned at Madhu's words. He had never imagined Madhu would think like this and understanding Madhu's reluctance to claim the love that was rightfully hers absolutely broke his heart.

Madhu continued. "...I should have done the right thing. But I kept it to myself, and hoped I could keep you to myself...but things between us just got worse... but when you came to me and said you loved me , I thought maybe life was giving me a chance. I just took it. I even married you. Just because I loved you, I stole your and Maya's love story thinking I could get away with it, but when I saw you kissing her, I realized I was wrong all the way. I...I ruined your life in some way Rishabh. And Maya's. I am...I am so sorry. You should go to her. She is probably your true love. " Madhu faced away from Rishabh as she spoke the last few words, unable to look at Rishabh anymore as she laid bare the harsh truth of her life. She loved him insanely, so she couldn't watch him walk away, but she couldn't be selfish and deceitful any longer either, could she?

RK walked up to Madhu and held her shoulders from behind, making her turn to face him.

"Madhu, biwi, look at me and listen to me very carefully." RK spoke each word slowly but clearly, his voice heavy with emotion. "You are not the least bit selfish. You are the opposite of selfish. In fact, I WISH you were a little bit more selfish than you are, so you would demand your rights from me and from the world, instead of trying to give up your love and your happiness. I am yours, just like you are mine, and the world be damned if it tries to come between us, ok? We have to be selfish enough to fight it out, together.

Instead, Madhu, what you actually are is crazy. You are insane and crazy. How could you ever think that Maya was or could have been my true love? She was my friend and I liked her. We understood each other upto a point, but never to the extent that your life partners would. Nobody, nobody in the world knows me like you Madhu. There's nobody I need more than you. Maya and me...it was fun to hang out, but hanging out together or discussing work or life problems is not the same as spending a lifetime with someone. We are very different people who would be great as friends but would never work out if we lived together 24x7. I never thought that way about Maya, and for the record, I don't believe that even if I ever dated her that would have been a sustainable relationship. But the point is, all these hypotheticals and crazy ideas don't matter. If it had meant to happen, it would have happened, but it just wasn't meant to be. You're using them as excuses to run away.

What's meant to be is this - you and me. Hold my hand and tell me honestly that you can't feel it. This right here, even with all the pain, this is still magic. Rishu and Madhu is magic. I don't know what life would have been like if I had never met you, but I am confident it wouldn't be as bright as it is, today. You showed me what happiness really meant. You showed me what passion meant. You gave me everything you had and everything I ever needed. Do you think I can live even a second without you?" Rishabh broke down and Madhu hugged him tight.

"I love you Rishu. I am sorry." Madhu spoke even as she broke down herself in Rishabh's arms.

"I love you too. And you did not ruin me by coming into my life, biwi, you saved me."

"You saved us, Rishu. You saved us."